Ive heard people say to let the feelings flow and pass. What does that mean?
For me, I can let the feelings dominate me and grow and then Im confused and any action I take in this mode is usually a disaster. Ive learned to 'Stop' and 'Think' and I am aware that my feelings are in charge and rational thought is not yet available. Its during this period that I get annoyed with myself, in fact Im quite hard on myself for feeling feelings. Usually I can trace back my feelings to self pity and resentment or fear. Are feelings useful? whats good about them and How do you handle your feelings?
Cathyinaz said
May 2, 2017
Oh the feelings you can't let go of..... makes you sick sometimes.
I had an encounter the other day. I was driving behind a woman ( one lane ) and the lane turned into two so I moved to the right to get by her. She turned on her signal to get in my lane while I was right next to her. She had to slow down and pull in back of me. We continued on and both of us stopped at the bank to get money out of the ATM. She got there first by the way. After she was finished she turned to me and said " Nice car....does it have turn signals " " WHAT??" I looked at her and finally said.. "THANKS I like a nice car " I thought to myself I'm not going to dwell on it because she was such an A** and in my mind I let go of the feelings and can think I put it on her for being so mean and she can have the feelings that I didn't engage.
Everyday is a challenge on how your going to think and feel.....mine is to be happy and not worry about what others are not doing for me, to me or with me.
SMILE....that's a feeling you can cope with when you practice practice practice.
Freetime said
May 2, 2017
I've learned that feelings are neither good nor bad in themselves, it's how I use them that could get me in trouble. For example, fear is nature's way of telling us there is danger nearby. But when we keep on feeling that fear even when there is no real danger then we can be crippled from living our life. Some emotions come from a part of the brain that is not rational, so I have to use the thinking part of my brain to see what is really happening. Is there really a monster under the bed? It can be hard to see this by myself when I am caught up in emotion, so that is where talking to another rational person can help. I think there is a positive intention behind our emotions, but we have to discern when that emotion is not working for us, but rather against us. Talking it out can help. I use slogans to help me derail emotions that are starting to get me off track.
Aline said
May 2, 2017
I have this feeling at times, too, that feelings muddle up my thinking, but there is no way getting around them. I try to let myself feel them and wait for them to pass (like sadness). If they dont do that on their own, like resentment, I remind myself firmly that negative feelings will only harm ME in the long run and manage to let go. Positive feelings are trickier for me in a sense - when I'm excited, for instance, it becomes harder to keep myself in enough check not to stray from the principles of the program that are keeping me sane. But I've had mild depression for years, not anymore, thankfully, and that was when I mostly didn't have any feelings at all, I felt empty much of the time... It was a hard time. No feelings is not pleasant at all, and, looking back, it seems worse than even many negative feelings, because those can be changed and do change with time.
_bunny_ said
May 2, 2017
Hi el-cee, I'll explain my process as best I can. First I needed to intellectually understand that my feelings are my body's physical reaction to my thoughts and that my thoughts can take me to the past (pain, hurt) or the future (anxiety, fear). When I'm feeling uncomfortable, it's a big neon WARNING sign that my thoughts have taken me to some past/future event that I have no control over and this can lead to my compulsive thinking and negative feelings that seem to get me stuck. When I become aware and accepting that I'm stuck, the chatter in my head subsides and the feelings pass, I become less tense, my blood pressure drops, I get a sense of relief because my mind is no longer fueling the feeling. This process brings my focus back to the present moment (peace, serenity). Ahhhhhhh big breath, in and out, I sound like a yoga instructor lol! For me feelings are useful because I can use them to gage where my mind is at, if I'm feeling yuck my ego is in control of my thoughts but if I'm feel calm and relaxed I can be sure I'm practicing "one day at a time" and staying in the present moment where HP is. I handle my feelings by sharing with my Al-Anon family, it helps me to be grateful of them so I can learn and grow. I've read a couple of deep and spiritual books on the process of feelings that I wouldn't have even began to grasp without the help of Al-Anon and the 12 steps.
Aline said
May 2, 2017
Great share, bunny, makes excellent sense!
SerenityRUS said
May 2, 2017
Hugs EC .. I swear we are running on the same path at the moment .. I had a counseling session with my oldest today and I'm sooo grateful because my HP always puts me exactly where I need to be .. LOL .. the poor counselor is all I'm going to say. I type like I talk so you can imagine the conversations at times between my kids and myself. They are productive conversations thank GOD .. sometimes they aren't easy because I just feel like we are all emotionally constipated .. UGH .. there is no laxative for that nor do I want there to be .. LOL.
There are times I really don't know what I'm feeling and I KNOW she doesn't either .. the old family joke is you hurt my one feeling. It's tongue and cheek however it's also kind of sad and true at the same time. It's hard to communicate what you don't know is happening. That's why for me at least it is so important to take that step back and say ok .. this is how I'm feeling and do that mental check and I equate it to .. HALT .. what can I control in terms of my self care .. it's a feeling not a fact .. it's just so important to recognize how that impacts everything I feel and if I am not doing self care .. it's kind of brutal.
Hugs and all I can say is it gets easier .. LOL .. the struggle is real ... worth it .. just real. :)
Iamhere said
May 2, 2017
For years and years before recovery, I denied my feelings. I judged myself harsher than anyone could and thought I was silly for feeling as I did. Step work helped me understand that my feelings are real yet they are not facts. In healing and dealing with the disease, I trust myself more than before - if I am sad, there is a reason for it. If I am happy, there is a reason for it. In both instances, I know it will pass because all things pass.
My best tool to process is talking it out or writing about it. I can say, I am _________________ and I think this is why. I then examine how 'realistic' my why is and talk it out. I am sad right now for my boys - this disease is truly wrecking havoc around here. My AH is really mad at them. I've said it before, and I'll say it again - he and I process at different rates and differently. He's very stuck and it's because he was in denial way longer than I. I care enough for him to allow him to be where he is and no longer even try to get him to get to my place.
I don't know any way around my feelings and I have learned they will spill out inappropriately if I try to deny them. I do all that I can to remember always that I do have a higher power that wants me to be happy, joyous and free. No journey is smooth and no detour is wrong. It just is what it is.
(((Hugs)))
el-cee said
May 3, 2017
Thanks everyone. I am here it's so hard wit your children. I know how it feels when the disease is in them and it's acting up. It sounds like your boys have a good chance though they have ever a savvy family unlikely to enable and cushion their path. X
hotrod said
May 3, 2017
Hi LC I too once allowed feelings to run my life until I picked up on an important slogan regarding "Feelings" early on , It advised us to" "Face Them, Trace them and Erase them".I use all my alanon tools to do this, I examine my motives, expectations, share about it in order to see my part, find the defect within and ask HP to lift it-- 7 th Step.
I no longer expect others to change or comply with my "Needs or unrealistic fears. I now know that "Feelings are not facts" .That being HUman I will always have feelings and that I need to process them. They are not right or wrong as it is what I do with the feelings that count in the long run. You are doing great
KT2015 said
May 4, 2017
Hi El Cee I will jump in. I was pretty shut off from my feelings for a long time. I wasn't aware of them until they had taken control of me and my actions and were running away with me. I used to push them down a lot and deny them but that never stopped them from eventually bubbling up. I had a very negative view of feelings. I beat myself up for having them, letting them get the better of me etc. When I started to learn to identify them that helped me a lot. My sponsor taught me to accept them. Not beat myself up for having them and learn to not let them overwhelm me. She validated why I might feel a certain way but at the same time didn't let me use it as a justification to act towards other people. My feelings are what make me realize how alive I am. My feelings make me human. It's ok for me to feel angry, sad, happy frustrated etc. Now when I have feelings I try my best to accept them and in accepting them I am essentially accepting myself. If I do something negative like start a fight with my AH because I was mad I apologize for my actions....but not my feelings. Now that I don't try to supress them I notice them more. I have learned a lot about myself by being more in touch with my feelings. I know the things that seem to make me mad and annoyed, I also know the things that bring me joy and I'm learning more about myself every day. I also know that being in a negative emotion is temporary "this too shall pass" and I will not stay in this state forever but I will learn from it. Feeling my feelings again was a real gift for me from this program.
Ive heard people say to let the feelings flow and pass. What does that mean?
For me, I can let the feelings dominate me and grow and then Im confused and any action I take in this mode is usually a disaster. Ive learned to 'Stop' and 'Think' and I am aware that my feelings are in charge and rational thought is not yet available. Its during this period that I get annoyed with myself, in fact Im quite hard on myself for feeling feelings. Usually I can trace back my feelings to self pity and resentment or fear. Are feelings useful? whats good about them and How do you handle your feelings?
Oh the feelings you can't let go of..... makes you sick sometimes.
I had an encounter the other day. I was driving behind a woman ( one lane ) and the lane turned into two so I moved to the right to get by her. She turned on her signal to get in my lane while I was right next to her. She had to slow down and pull in back of me. We continued on and both of us stopped at the bank to get money out of the ATM. She got there first by the way. After she was finished she turned to me and said " Nice car....does it have turn signals " " WHAT??" I looked at her and finally said.. "THANKS I like a nice car " I thought to myself I'm not going to dwell on it because she was such an A** and in my mind I let go of the feelings and can think I put it on her for being so mean and she can have the feelings that I didn't engage.
Everyday is a challenge on how your going to think and feel.....mine is to be happy and not worry about what others are not doing for me, to me or with me.
SMILE....that's a feeling you can cope with when you practice practice practice.
There are times I really don't know what I'm feeling and I KNOW she doesn't either .. the old family joke is you hurt my one feeling. It's tongue and cheek however it's also kind of sad and true at the same time. It's hard to communicate what you don't know is happening. That's why for me at least it is so important to take that step back and say ok .. this is how I'm feeling and do that mental check and I equate it to .. HALT .. what can I control in terms of my self care .. it's a feeling not a fact .. it's just so important to recognize how that impacts everything I feel and if I am not doing self care .. it's kind of brutal.
Hugs and all I can say is it gets easier .. LOL .. the struggle is real ... worth it .. just real. :)
My best tool to process is talking it out or writing about it. I can say, I am _________________ and I think this is why. I then examine how 'realistic' my why is and talk it out. I am sad right now for my boys - this disease is truly wrecking havoc around here. My AH is really mad at them. I've said it before, and I'll say it again - he and I process at different rates and differently. He's very stuck and it's because he was in denial way longer than I. I care enough for him to allow him to be where he is and no longer even try to get him to get to my place.
I don't know any way around my feelings and I have learned they will spill out inappropriately if I try to deny them. I do all that I can to remember always that I do have a higher power that wants me to be happy, joyous and free. No journey is smooth and no detour is wrong. It just is what it is.
(((Hugs)))
Hi LC I too once allowed feelings to run my life until I picked up on an important slogan regarding "Feelings" early on , It advised us to" "Face Them, Trace them and Erase them".I use all my alanon tools to do this, I examine my motives, expectations, share about it in order to see my part, find the defect within and ask HP to lift it-- 7 th Step.
I no longer expect others to change or comply with my "Needs or unrealistic fears. I now know that "Feelings are not facts" .That being HUman I will always have feelings and that I need to process them. They are not right or wrong as it is what I do with the feelings that count in the long run. You are doing great
One day at a time is for you today my friend.