My on/off alcoholic partner is very dishonest when it comes to alcohol. He's always pinching drinks from me - I have caught him many, many times. I used to get angry, now I just try and set boundaries and minimise the opportunity for it to happen.
Lately he has disclosed some things that he has done that have shocked me - including that he has put his uniform on & pretended to be working so that he could go in & steal bottles of wine (he works at a large function venue). He has also admitted to lying about his hours at work when he has been short of cash. I am shocked and horrified by these admissions, but at the same time wondering about why he's suddenly being so transparent?
He's still drinking but at the moment making a lot more effort towards getting well. He's not in denial about his illness and is actively trying to "get better". He's drinking far less and not as often and went to an AA meeting - although he found it too overwhelming because lots of people tried to talk to him.
I'm trying to be supportive and not judge him, but it makes me concerned about his character that he is doing these things. Or is it a common part of the disease?
He's not dishonest when it comes to our relationship - I have no doubts about his fidelity or anything of that nature.
shrnp said
Apr 30, 2017
Saralin,
It is common to figure out a plan to get something to drink if they cannot buy it. Not everyone does it the way you explain it is hard to steal bottle out of a liqueur store. It is easy to tell a lie to someone to get a few more dollars. That is usually when their disease has progressed to the point where they have to have alcohol all the time. For me that would be a change in the degree of their alcoholism. Stealing it and telling a lie to get paid more is dishonest. It is his disease and he needs to decide if he wants to work a program or not. You can work through the Alanon 12 step program and attend meetings. Attended a face to face meeting and getting a sponsor might be helpful.
SerenityRUS said
May 1, 2017
Hugs and welcome .. the lying is directly related to the drinking. As far as why he's being transparent .. My cracked crystal ball can't say nor can anyone else's. I do suggest meetings .. program work .. And the same .. It's more important you get settled into healing you regardless of what he is or isn't doing. Hugs s :)
Enigmatic said
May 1, 2017
Hi SaraLin...AlAnon describes alcoholism as a cunning and baffling disease, and I and so many others have seen that to be painfully true.
Also in AlAnon, however, when I turned the focus to myself, I found many areas that my behavior was dishonest, that my intent and motives behind my words and actions were not as altruistic as I thought. I discovered with the guidance of the program that I had character defects that were just as unattractive as my qualifier's, perhaps even more so.
Glad to hear he is working toward recovery, I hope you are able to seek out AlAnon meetings and literature. These were both crucial to helping me focus on my own recovery rather than the shortcomings of the disease, and finding peace regardless of what my qualifier did or did not do.
Hang in there, glad you're here
Iamhere said
May 1, 2017
Open AA meetings can give you insight into the effects of alcohol on an alcoholic. Many end up doing immoral/illegal things that would never have been a choice without the disease. We have to remember that mind altering substances affect every element of a person - physical, thinking, emotional, etc. It's not uncommon to hear about extremely poor choices to keep the disease alive or because of being under the influence.
Al-Anon would serve you really well at this stage. Two of my qualifiers are my sons and they've disclosed things that have made my hair gray. While a part of me is grateful they feel they can share their deepest darkest secrets with me, another part prays they seek recovery so they have a sponsor to dump on vs. me. I know things that most mothers would not want to hear....so - I have a couple hats I can wear - mom hat, program hat, etc.
Whether mine are active in the disease or active in recovery doesn't affect me nearly as much as it used to. I am now trying to focus on me no matter what they are/are not doing and I am grateful that Al-Anon gave me the tools to do that as best I can. (((Hugs)))
_bunny_ said
May 1, 2017
((SaraLin)), you received excellent advice and support from above. Yes it is part of the disease, an active alcoholic will do anything to get the alcohol necessary to feed their addiction, including theft. I can relate in that before I began my own recovery, I would obsess over my AH and his disease and it was EXHAUSTING! It was my way of controlling a situation that I now know I have no control over. And you know what, I had zero time for my life and I suffered. What helped me to find peace was to hand him over to a power greater than me. This allowed me the space to focus on myself and gave my AH the respect and dignity he deserves to live his life. Al-Anon teaches us that by working the steps and attending meetings, we are all capable of detaching with love from our alcoholics because a HP is available to be their guide, we can make the choice to stop obsessing. Keep coming back and I'm sending positive energy your way.
-- Edited by _bunny_ on Monday 1st of May 2017 11:32:29 AM
It is common to figure out a plan to get something to drink if they cannot buy it. Not everyone does it the way you explain it is hard to steal bottle out of a liqueur store. It is easy to tell a lie to someone to get a few more dollars. That is usually when their disease has progressed to the point where they have to have alcohol all the time. For me that would be a change in the degree of their alcoholism. Stealing it and telling a lie to get paid more is dishonest. It is his disease and he needs to decide if he wants to work a program or not. You can work through the Alanon 12 step program and attend meetings. Attended a face to face meeting and getting a sponsor might be helpful.
Also in AlAnon, however, when I turned the focus to myself, I found many areas that my behavior was dishonest, that my intent and motives behind my words and actions were not as altruistic as I thought. I discovered with the guidance of the program that I had character defects that were just as unattractive as my qualifier's, perhaps even more so.
Glad to hear he is working toward recovery, I hope you are able to seek out AlAnon meetings and literature. These were both crucial to helping me focus on my own recovery rather than the shortcomings of the disease, and finding peace regardless of what my qualifier did or did not do.
Hang in there, glad you're here
Al-Anon would serve you really well at this stage. Two of my qualifiers are my sons and they've disclosed things that have made my hair gray. While a part of me is grateful they feel they can share their deepest darkest secrets with me, another part prays they seek recovery so they have a sponsor to dump on vs. me. I know things that most mothers would not want to hear....so - I have a couple hats I can wear - mom hat, program hat, etc.
Whether mine are active in the disease or active in recovery doesn't affect me nearly as much as it used to. I am now trying to focus on me no matter what they are/are not doing and I am grateful that Al-Anon gave me the tools to do that as best I can. (((Hugs)))
((SaraLin)), you received excellent advice and support from above. Yes it is part of the disease, an active alcoholic will do anything to get the alcohol necessary to feed their addiction, including theft. I can relate in that before I began my own recovery, I would obsess over my AH and his disease and it was EXHAUSTING! It was my way of controlling a situation that I now know I have no control over. And you know what, I had zero time for my life and I suffered. What helped me to find peace was to hand him over to a power greater than me. This allowed me the space to focus on myself and gave my AH the respect and dignity he deserves to live his life. Al-Anon teaches us that by working the steps and attending meetings, we are all capable of detaching with love from our alcoholics because a HP is available to be their guide, we can make the choice to stop obsessing. Keep coming back and I'm sending positive energy your way.
-- Edited by _bunny_ on Monday 1st of May 2017 11:32:29 AM