It has been almost a year now since we set our adult son and his wife free to live their own lives. They had been living with and off of us for a long time and were quite comfortable expecting all the comforts they want while he waited for the 'perfect' job to come along. A long time in which we became emotionally, financially and physically drained while they sat around and enjoyed life. Lots of angst, lots of worry, loads of stress. We finally realized that we were enabling him because we loved our little grandson and that we meant nothing to them except as a money line.
So we said enough is enough, gave them a time to leave and they were angry and bitter and said we would not see our grandson again and that we would rot in hell for deserting them.
Since then, no contact and they moved out of the country. But, social media being what it is, we saw pictures of our beloved grandson and we also saw that they were both working and had made a stable life. Still drinking of course but at least able to cope.
Today we got an email from our son- very limited and cool- with a video of our grandson. So he is, I guess, reaching out a bit to us. And, I hate myself for this, but I am not sure I want really close contact with him again. He almost destroyed us last year and, when I look back, I can see that we never really meant a whole lot to him. He just wanted monetary and emotional support when he needed it and the rest of the time... just stay out of his picture until he needed us again. I think he was ashamed of us because we were not cosmopolitan enough for him.
I think I need some counseling because I must be a terrible mother but my life for the last 35 years has been in turmoil due to him mostly and, after he left, after we realized that we must move on and make a life for ourselves, it has been so much more peaceful. It's been a very pain filled year but we are in a better place. And now I just don't want to relive the drama. And yet, I am his mother, I should be willing. I just don't know.
shrnp said
Apr 30, 2017
Hello Deacon, I am sorry you are feeling this way now. I have a grandson, and I have financially enabled my son and his girlfriend in the past. It is so easy to slip into that role. My son does not drink, but I can easily relate to the things I have learned in Alanon for our relationship. It sounds like you did the best you could and they took advantage of you and your husband. It sounds like they were able to find a place to live and take care of themselves. So, now comes the mending time. That is nice you got a video of your grandson. It is a start. You aren't a terrible mother, your child has some different kinds of challenges.
Alanon can help you learn how to detach in a healthy way. You can have boundaries that involve having no drama in your life. Other members can probably give you some other Alanon experiences that will help. I hope you feel better, you are not alone.
-- Edited by shrnp on Sunday 30th of April 2017 10:15:38 PM
SerenityRUS said
May 1, 2017
Hugs deacon.. I'm so sorry you are experiencing this .. Sending love and prayers your direction .. Keep coming back.
hotrod said
May 1, 2017
((Deacon))) You are a loving supportive mother and your son is fortunate to have you in his life. Please write out an asset and gratitude list daily so as to reinforce this idea. Remember he is agrwn up and needs to learn to show up for himself. It appears he is doing that GREAT . Enjoy the picture of your grandchild.
Iamhere said
May 1, 2017
Deacon - I can so relate to what you posted. Al-Anon gave me the grace and the words to explain to my children that I am extremely uncomfortable when I feel used and discarded. It took me a long time to be able to say what I needed to say without tossing shade/blame towards them and to just let go of the outcome/results.
When I closed the "Bank of IamHere", they both went radio silent for a long while. When they were in need, and made contact because of the need, I remained firm. I too found peace by working on my recovery and allowing them to be/do what they needed/wanted to do. Over time, I've adjusted my boundaries as needed to continue my serenity and self-care. It's not easy and they are slowly maturing and growing up but it's a process.
I agree with those above me - lean into the program and your own recovery. A part of me wonders if our relationship will be forever 'take/take/take/ignore' and then the program reminds me that projection is unhealthy and God's got a plan that I am unaware of. Asset lists and gratitude lists have helped me a ton and I do know today that I'd rather not have a relationship with them if it is as it was. That was beyond unhealthy - it was destructive and exhausting and insanity.
I am sending you tons of positive thoughts and prayers. It's never easy when it's the offspring we gave birth to. (((Hugs)))
deacon said
May 1, 2017
Thanks everyone. Part of this last year has been living each day with a grateful heart for what we do have and not dwelling on what has been lost. I needed the reminder that projection is unhealthy as I am the queen of worrying about what is coming down the road instead of living in the day as best I can. And yes, we will treasure the video of our grandson who appears to be healthy and happy. That in itself is such a blessing.
Iamhere said
May 1, 2017
Hey deacon - I hear you about projection......love that you've spent quality time healing and working your program. Keep working it as best you can - one day at a time!
_bunny_ said
May 1, 2017
((Deacon)) I'm sorry you are in pain. You are a loving mother and a loving grandmother. Al-Anon teaches us a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity. For me miracles happen when I lean on my program and HP. I'm sending loving energy your way.
LinSC said
May 1, 2017
Unfortunately I believe in the saying "you can pick your friends, but you can't pick your relatives" People in our family are just like any other people roaming this earth, they have there ups and downs, great personalities, dull personalities etc. They are special because they are your kids, or brother or sister, but they do not always make the right decisions just like anyone else. My son drank and drugged from the age of 13 to 26, and I feel like I was in hell at the time, not all his fault my fault too. But as a result our relationship is not a healthy one, and I don't always see him or my grandchildren. He and family live 500 miles away, I could go visit more often but I chose not to. Too me the less I know of his affairs the better. But the Grandchildren are innocent and I do miss them. I am hoping and praying he will mature and have some hindsight of what happened during his time of addiction. Although they say a person stops growing mentally at the same time they pick up that drink or drug. I believe this. It bothers me that him and I don't have a good relationship, but nothing I am doing is causing it anymore I hope time will help heal wounds that are deep. No it does not make you or me a bad mother. You and I have learned a lesson, and it takes a lot of trust to become vulnerable again for fear of being hurt once again.
I am still waiting for amends from my son, but they may never come.... I keep hoping he'll say "I love you" and mean it, but I am not holding my breath. It is what it is, and I will keep working on myself and try to be the best person I can be, if only for a possible future I may share with my grandkids. Keep in mind the famous poem by Gibran
On Children
by Kahlil Gibran
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.
hotrod said
May 1, 2017
Hi Lin Thanks--That is a favorite of mine. I have it framed and on my desk and it is true.
Summerlady said
May 1, 2017
I wanted to reply to your post, Deacon.
My two adult children, ages 37 & 39, are not alcoholics;(that I know of anyway) but they do treat my husband and I very poorly.
My husband is over 26 years sober, but they still blame us for all their problems and poor choices; seems like especially me. They were 10 and 12 when he quit drinking, so I know they were affected by his drinking and my codependency. We knew our son had issues and got him counseling and took them to what passed for Alateen in our small town at the time.
But we had no idea our daughter had issues till she got married and Whoo-Boy!!
We have payed for counseling for both married couples a few times (guilt complex) Now I know it wasn't our place because it wasn't our marriage. Our son is now divorced with 3 kids and we are in the waves of all that goes with that.
I have learned so much on this board; the enabling has stopped; detaching with love has been implemented. And Alanon meetings and working with a sponsor.
I wanted to share something I read on this board that was posted a few years ago. It was so great, I wrote it in my journal.
I don't remember who posted this, or even under what topic I found it, but here goes!
"Self forgiveness came for me when I realized I never intentionally harmed my children. I always loved them and wanted to help them.
When I realized my character defects and started working on them, I made amends. I also realized I was not benefiting my kids or myself with my guilt and shame - that caused me to be focused on me and to become an enabler. A lady mentioned that on this issue, God told her, "Look at my children! Are they all doing everything right and in a loving way all the time? Are they always doing the right thing? If my children are not always loving and kind and doing the right things in the way I would like to see, what makes you think you'd make a better parent than me?"
That did it. I let it go."
Another thing i wanted to share is one day when I was ruminating on the thought that I must have been a terrible mother, the thought popped in my mind, by God, I do believe, "You suited up and showed up everyday with your children. You didn't stay in bed and pull the covers up over your head; your were a good mother." I truly believe I did a lot more things right than I did wrong and I love the saying "when you learn better, you do better." And that's what I have done, and I bet you have too!
So far, my kids have shown no interest in the 12 step program, but I am praying that someday, they will. I love the saying, "Attraction, not promotion." That is how my husband and I try to run our lives.
I hope I have given some encouragement to you!
SerenityRUS said
May 1, 2017
Summerlady .. Big hugs .. Thank you so much for sharing this!!! S :)
deacon said
May 1, 2017
Thank you Linc, Summerlady and everyone else. So much wisdom and experience on this board. Just knowing other people go through the same stuff and still manage to remain sane and accepting is such a lesson for me.
It has been almost a year now since we set our adult son and his wife free to live their own lives. They had been living with and off of us for a long time and were quite comfortable expecting all the comforts they want while he waited for the 'perfect' job to come along. A long time in which we became emotionally, financially and physically drained while they sat around and enjoyed life. Lots of angst, lots of worry, loads of stress. We finally realized that we were enabling him because we loved our little grandson and that we meant nothing to them except as a money line.
So we said enough is enough, gave them a time to leave and they were angry and bitter and said we would not see our grandson again and that we would rot in hell for deserting them.
Since then, no contact and they moved out of the country. But, social media being what it is, we saw pictures of our beloved grandson and we also saw that they were both working and had made a stable life. Still drinking of course but at least able to cope.
Today we got an email from our son- very limited and cool- with a video of our grandson. So he is, I guess, reaching out a bit to us. And, I hate myself for this, but I am not sure I want really close contact with him again. He almost destroyed us last year and, when I look back, I can see that we never really meant a whole lot to him. He just wanted monetary and emotional support when he needed it and the rest of the time... just stay out of his picture until he needed us again. I think he was ashamed of us because we were not cosmopolitan enough for him.
I think I need some counseling because I must be a terrible mother but my life for the last 35 years has been in turmoil due to him mostly and, after he left, after we realized that we must move on and make a life for ourselves, it has been so much more peaceful. It's been a very pain filled year but we are in a better place. And now I just don't want to relive the drama. And yet, I am his mother, I should be willing. I just don't know.
Hello Deacon,
I am sorry you are feeling this way now. I have a grandson, and I have financially enabled my son and his girlfriend in the past. It is so easy to slip into that role. My son does not drink, but I can easily relate to the things I have learned in Alanon for our relationship. It sounds like you did the best you could and they took advantage of you and your husband. It sounds like they were able to find a place to live and take care of themselves. So, now comes the mending time. That is nice you got a video of your grandson. It is a start. You aren't a terrible mother, your child has some different kinds of challenges.
Alanon can help you learn how to detach in a healthy way. You can have boundaries that involve having no drama in your life. Other members can probably give you some other Alanon experiences that will help. I hope you feel better, you are not alone.
-- Edited by shrnp on Sunday 30th of April 2017 10:15:38 PM
((Deacon))) You are a loving supportive mother and your son is fortunate to have you in his life. Please write out an asset and gratitude list daily so as to reinforce this idea. Remember he is agrwn up and needs to learn to show up for himself. It appears he is doing that GREAT . Enjoy the picture of your grandchild.
When I closed the "Bank of IamHere", they both went radio silent for a long while. When they were in need, and made contact because of the need, I remained firm. I too found peace by working on my recovery and allowing them to be/do what they needed/wanted to do. Over time, I've adjusted my boundaries as needed to continue my serenity and self-care. It's not easy and they are slowly maturing and growing up but it's a process.
I agree with those above me - lean into the program and your own recovery. A part of me wonders if our relationship will be forever 'take/take/take/ignore' and then the program reminds me that projection is unhealthy and God's got a plan that I am unaware of. Asset lists and gratitude lists have helped me a ton and I do know today that I'd rather not have a relationship with them if it is as it was. That was beyond unhealthy - it was destructive and exhausting and insanity.
I am sending you tons of positive thoughts and prayers. It's never easy when it's the offspring we gave birth to. (((Hugs)))
Unfortunately I believe in the saying "you can pick your friends, but you can't pick your relatives" People in our family are just like any other people roaming this earth, they have there ups and downs, great personalities, dull personalities etc. They are special because they are your kids, or brother or sister, but they do not always make the right decisions just like anyone else. My son drank and drugged from the age of 13 to 26, and I feel like I was in hell at the time, not all his fault my fault too. But as a result our relationship is not a healthy one, and I don't always see him or my grandchildren. He and family live 500 miles away, I could go visit more often but I chose not to. Too me the less I know of his affairs the better. But the Grandchildren are innocent and I do miss them. I am hoping and praying he will mature and have some hindsight of what happened during his time of addiction. Although they say a person stops growing mentally at the same time they pick up that drink or drug. I believe this. It bothers me that him and I don't have a good relationship, but nothing I am doing is causing it anymore I hope time will help heal wounds that are deep. No it does not make you or me a bad mother. You and I have learned a lesson, and it takes a lot of trust to become vulnerable again for fear of being hurt once again.
I am still waiting for amends from my son, but they may never come.... I keep hoping he'll say "I love you" and mean it, but I am not holding my breath. It is what it is, and I will keep working on myself and try to be the best person I can be, if only for a possible future I may share with my grandkids. Keep in mind the famous poem by Gibran
On Children
by Kahlil Gibran
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.
I wanted to reply to your post, Deacon.
My two adult children, ages 37 & 39, are not alcoholics;(that I know of anyway) but they do treat my husband and I very poorly.
My husband is over 26 years sober, but they still blame us for all their problems and poor choices; seems like especially me. They were 10 and 12 when he quit drinking, so I know they were affected by his drinking and my codependency. We knew our son had issues and got him counseling and took them to what passed for Alateen in our small town at the time.
But we had no idea our daughter had issues till she got married and Whoo-Boy!!
We have payed for counseling for both married couples a few times (guilt complex) Now I know it wasn't our place because it wasn't our marriage. Our son is now divorced with 3 kids and we are in the waves of all that goes with that.
I have learned so much on this board; the enabling has stopped; detaching with love has been implemented. And Alanon meetings and working with a sponsor.
I wanted to share something I read on this board that was posted a few years ago. It was so great, I wrote it in my journal.
I don't remember who posted this, or even under what topic I found it, but here goes!
"Self forgiveness came for me when I realized I never intentionally harmed my children. I always loved them and wanted to help them.
When I realized my character defects and started working on them, I made amends. I also realized I was not benefiting my kids or myself with my guilt and shame - that caused me to be focused on me and to become an enabler. A lady mentioned that on this issue, God told her, "Look at my children! Are they all doing everything right and in a loving way all the time? Are they always doing the right thing? If my children are not always loving and kind and doing the right things in the way I would like to see, what makes you think you'd make a better parent than me?"
That did it. I let it go."
Another thing i wanted to share is one day when I was ruminating on the thought that I must have been a terrible mother, the thought popped in my mind, by God, I do believe, "You suited up and showed up everyday with your children. You didn't stay in bed and pull the covers up over your head; your were a good mother." I truly believe I did a lot more things right than I did wrong and I love the saying "when you learn better, you do better." And that's what I have done, and I bet you have too!
So far, my kids have shown no interest in the 12 step program, but I am praying that someday, they will. I love the saying, "Attraction, not promotion." That is how my husband and I try to run our lives.
I hope I have given some encouragement to you!
Thank you Linc, Summerlady and everyone else. So much wisdom and experience on this board. Just knowing other people go through the same stuff and still manage to remain sane and accepting is such a lesson for me.