my relationship has been in a state of quiet crisis for some time. my partner had an extended relapse for about 3 years. we live in my place. he's sober now about 5 months.
over time, my patience has been pushed to my limits and my faith (in him/us) has been compromised. my ABF/fiance knows it. we are at a new place of brutal honesty, with each of us working our own programs (AA and AlAnon).
i am in a state of major confusion and indecision. based on past experience, i am thinking i may have to leave. either temporarily or permanently. but this is based on past experience.
however, since recently engaging in dry drunk behavior, he has renewed his efforts at recovery and healthiness, and we are using every resource available to us both individually and as a couple. i agreed to a three month period to see how i felt at the end of that time. i am NOT enjoying this feeling of limbo, but it is where i am. he is not violent. he is mentally and emotionally unhealthy, with significant depression, anxiety and related dysfunctions, most of that turned on himself. it affects me because his insecurity and lack of trust get turned against me. he's a master of self-sabotage.
i am trying to take one day at a time with the hope/belief that i will know - whenever i know - what feels right for me.
any ESH will be appreciated. thank you.
Jerry F said
Apr 27, 2017
Juneine that is a tough one and the experience that comes to mind for me was did I have a goal in mind just for me that I wanted to see happen as a result of my own work. When I found the goal and followed thru on it there wasn't much that could topple it. It is still standing up right and strong. The alcoholic/addict fulfilled her own. (((hugs)))
Junenine said
Apr 27, 2017
thank you, Jerry F. i like that point of having a goal. i'm just starting to work with a sponsor. will be keeping that in mind, thanks again.
shrnp said
Apr 27, 2017
Hi Junenine,
My Ex-A did not have a lot of coping skills when he stopped drinking. He really never learned any, his mother was an alcoholic. I felt bad for him for awhile, but then it was not fair that his behaviors were effecting me. I felt like I was constantly under scrutiny, and could not relax. I wish I had been in Alanon sooner, I would have realized that the problems were his and it did not matter how I acted, nobody could fixed him except himself. Being around him sober was just as uncomfortable as when he was drinking.
2HP said
Apr 27, 2017
I have always kept Eckhart Tolle's book, A New Earth, close because it is full of recovery themes. In the book he asks, "What does it mean to be confused? 'I don't know' is not confusion.
Confusion is, 'I don't know but I SHOULD know or I NEED to know.' When you let go of the belief that you should or need to know, what happens to confusion.....? "
Also, your post reminds me of our steps 1-3 which can be summed up as LET GO AND LET GOD. One definition of detachment (letting go) is giving up control. Does it feel like the 3 month deadline on the relationship is an attempt to control...? Do you find the deadline bringing more PEACE or is it bringing more STRESS for you? Is it bringing more peace or more stress to the relationship?
What would happen if you just stayed in the moment and let the path show itself in its own time? What would happen if you just decided to enjoy life today? What would that look like for you?
I remember before my divorce, we started doing things that we did together before we had kids and life had gotten so "complicated." we both wanted to give the relationship a chance, enjoying activities we used to do when we first met...
I'm glad we did that. I had a calm "knowing" when I filed. Clarity came from relaxing. I had started meditating during the final years of our marriage, it began with sitting for only 5 minutes a day. Meditation allows me to experience peace.... detachment from my own restless, fearful mind.
You can wait if the way is not clear.
-- Edited by 2HP on Thursday 27th of April 2017 11:46:58 PM
-- Edited by 2HP on Friday 28th of April 2017 11:13:52 AM
Junenine said
Apr 28, 2017
hi, sharon. i understand that. glad to know you reached a decision that was right for you. thanks for sharing.
Junenine said
Apr 28, 2017
hello, 2HP. many thanks. i love the clarity you have about "confusion" ... very smart.
i think the deadline has brought both peace and stress. but there would have been stress, regardless. it doesn't feel like an attempt to control... i think it was the right thing to do for both of us, overall. i am trying to live in the moment and have heard similar messages along your lines in the rooms, which i fully appreciate but have trouble internalizing.
i am not really a "black and white" thinker... well accustomed to the grey areas... i think this is causing me anxiety and difficulty because first, it's important... and second, i'm worn out after years of stress. tired has piled on top of tired. meditation would be wise. am trying to rest and then take steps toward replenishment.
thank you for sharing your experience.
2XW said
Apr 28, 2017
For me whenever I focus too much on the past and live in worry about the future it's a pretty sure bet that I'm missing the present. We only have today. These are one day at a time programs. If someone is living in recovery today, then they are living in recovery. Tomorrow is in God's hands. I can not control or know whether tomorrow will bring unimaginable joy or sadness. Whenever I find myself worrying about a future outcome, I only find peace when I "let go and let God" and embrace the present one day at a time.
SerenityRUS said
Apr 28, 2017
Junenine,
Big hugs .. you remind me of my daughter with what she deals with when she's trying to look to far into the future and wants a guarantee .. I think that is common for people who have lived a life of big disappointments. There are days trying to figure out what kind of coffee to order from starbucks can literally send her into a 15 min panic of what should she get and if she picks one she'll miss out some how. LOL .. bless her heart is all I can say .. she really tries and the constant dialog that we are having is just for today does a decision need to be made? The reality is no. Yes, she has to decide what kind of drink she wants .. there is always another visit to try something new. The world won't end if she orders the same drink and NO .. there was no unicorn frap happening .. LOL!! That much sugar is not good for anyone!
After having a broken picker .. I want that guarantee I'm making the right decision in relationships .. lol. My BF and I have that the discussion of "the guarantee" .. reality is there is none .. and I tease him from time to time that today I choose him .. oh boy .. he's a lucky guy. ;) It helps me deal with the expectation of he's suppose to be the one .. he's the guaranteed one .. it lets me be IN the moment vs worrying about what MIGHT happen.
Yes .. having "the guarantee" this is the right relationship, the right marriage, the right whatever .. my kids won't grow up to be addicts if I make this decision .. the irrational thoughts of what is and is not fair .. that's part of that guarantee package. The price is way to high on that one.
Again I go back to two things .. today I choose (fill in the blank) .. and today I can allow tomorrow to take care itself without worry and projection. I just find I know when I know and I can decide when my mind is clear what is the best course of action is .. my HP has not taken me this far to drop me on my butt.
Hugs S :)
Junenine said
Apr 29, 2017
so much yes, 2XW. thank you. and today i am living in recovery of his recovery. trying to find my own recovery. and somehow still feeling sort of at the beginning although i am not. much appreciation!
Junenine said
Apr 29, 2017
(((SerenityRUs))) thank you so much for your wisdom and humor. i find that my feelings are a muddle of conflict. sometimes i want solitude or a fresh start. guilty of being exhausted by this ride i've been on. but i also am aware of the positive aspects of this partnership. just for today, things are peaceful and we're both doing what we need to do. just for today i'll do my best to drop the anxiety and worry. i do know there's no guarantee... ever. it's the past that's kicking my ass, and the "past" was active just a couple weeks ago, so this "just for today things are good" is pretty much brand spanking new. i feel like i have ~~emotional whiplash~~ and need to sit down at the side of the road for a while. stop the world, i wanna get off. so... better self care and voluntary quiet and peaceful activities are necessary. work in progress (not perfection).
many thanks for your words! and for making me LOL w/ that last paragraph of yours!
my relationship has been in a state of quiet crisis for some time. my partner had an extended relapse for about 3 years. we live in my place. he's sober now about 5 months.
over time, my patience has been pushed to my limits and my faith (in him/us) has been compromised. my ABF/fiance knows it. we are at a new place of brutal honesty, with each of us working our own programs (AA and AlAnon).
i am in a state of major confusion and indecision. based on past experience, i am thinking i may have to leave. either temporarily or permanently. but this is based on past experience.
however, since recently engaging in dry drunk behavior, he has renewed his efforts at recovery and healthiness, and we are using every resource available to us both individually and as a couple. i agreed to a three month period to see how i felt at the end of that time. i am NOT enjoying this feeling of limbo, but it is where i am. he is not violent. he is mentally and emotionally unhealthy, with significant depression, anxiety and related dysfunctions, most of that turned on himself. it affects me because his insecurity and lack of trust get turned against me. he's a master of self-sabotage.
i am trying to take one day at a time with the hope/belief that i will know - whenever i know - what feels right for me.
any ESH will be appreciated. thank you.
Juneine that is a tough one and the experience that comes to mind for me was did I have a goal in mind just for me that I wanted to see happen as a result of my own work. When I found the goal and followed thru on it there wasn't much that could topple it. It is still standing up right and strong. The alcoholic/addict fulfilled her own. (((hugs)))
thank you, Jerry F. i like that point of having a goal. i'm just starting to work with a sponsor. will be keeping that in mind, thanks again.
My Ex-A did not have a lot of coping skills when he stopped drinking. He really never learned any, his mother was an alcoholic. I felt bad for him for awhile, but then it was not fair that his behaviors were effecting me. I felt like I was constantly under scrutiny, and could not relax. I wish I had been in Alanon sooner, I would have realized that the problems were his and it did not matter how I acted, nobody could fixed him except himself. Being around him sober was just as uncomfortable as when he was drinking.
I have always kept Eckhart Tolle's book, A New Earth, close because it is full of recovery themes. In the book he asks, "What does it mean to be confused? 'I don't know' is not confusion.
Confusion is, 'I don't know but I SHOULD know or I NEED to know.' When you let go of the belief that you should or need to know, what happens to confusion.....? "
Also, your post reminds me of our steps 1-3 which can be summed up as LET GO AND LET GOD. One definition of detachment (letting go) is giving up control. Does it feel like the 3 month deadline on the relationship is an attempt to control...? Do you find the deadline bringing more PEACE or is it bringing more STRESS for you? Is it bringing more peace or more stress to the relationship?
What would happen if you just stayed in the moment and let the path show itself in its own time? What would happen if you just decided to enjoy life today? What would that look like for you?
I remember before my divorce, we started doing things that we did together before we had kids and life had gotten so "complicated." we both wanted to give the relationship a chance, enjoying activities we used to do when we first met...
I'm glad we did that. I had a calm "knowing" when I filed. Clarity came from relaxing. I had started meditating during the final years of our marriage, it began with sitting for only 5 minutes a day. Meditation allows me to experience peace.... detachment from my own restless, fearful mind.
You can wait if the way is not clear.
-- Edited by 2HP on Thursday 27th of April 2017 11:46:58 PM
-- Edited by 2HP on Friday 28th of April 2017 11:13:52 AM
hi, sharon. i understand that. glad to know you reached a decision that was right for you. thanks for sharing.
hello, 2HP. many thanks. i love the clarity you have about "confusion"
... very smart.
i think the deadline has brought both peace and stress. but there would have been stress, regardless. it doesn't feel like an attempt to control... i think it was the right thing to do for both of us, overall. i am trying to live in the moment and have heard similar messages along your lines in the rooms, which i fully appreciate but have trouble internalizing.
i am not really a "black and white" thinker... well accustomed to the grey areas... i think this is causing me anxiety and difficulty because first, it's important... and second, i'm worn out after years of stress. tired has piled on top of tired. meditation would be wise. am trying to rest and then take steps toward replenishment.
thank you for sharing your experience.
Big hugs .. you remind me of my daughter with what she deals with when she's trying to look to far into the future and wants a guarantee .. I think that is common for people who have lived a life of big disappointments. There are days trying to figure out what kind of coffee to order from starbucks can literally send her into a 15 min panic of what should she get and if she picks one she'll miss out some how. LOL .. bless her heart is all I can say .. she really tries and the constant dialog that we are having is just for today does a decision need to be made? The reality is no. Yes, she has to decide what kind of drink she wants .. there is always another visit to try something new. The world won't end if she orders the same drink and NO .. there was no unicorn frap happening .. LOL!! That much sugar is not good for anyone!
After having a broken picker .. I want that guarantee I'm making the right decision in relationships .. lol. My BF and I have that the discussion of "the guarantee" .. reality is there is none .. and I tease him from time to time that today I choose him .. oh boy .. he's a lucky guy. ;) It helps me deal with the expectation of he's suppose to be the one .. he's the guaranteed one .. it lets me be IN the moment vs worrying about what MIGHT happen.
Yes .. having "the guarantee" this is the right relationship, the right marriage, the right whatever .. my kids won't grow up to be addicts if I make this decision .. the irrational thoughts of what is and is not fair .. that's part of that guarantee package. The price is way to high on that one.
Again I go back to two things .. today I choose (fill in the blank) .. and today I can allow tomorrow to take care itself without worry and projection. I just find I know when I know and I can decide when my mind is clear what is the best course of action is .. my HP has not taken me this far to drop me on my butt.
Hugs S :)
so much yes, 2XW. thank you. and today i am living in recovery of his recovery. trying to find my own recovery. and somehow still feeling sort of at the beginning although i am not. much appreciation!
(((SerenityRUs))) thank you so much for your wisdom and humor. i find that my feelings are a muddle of conflict. sometimes i want solitude or a fresh start. guilty of being exhausted by this ride i've been on. but i also am aware of the positive aspects of this partnership. just for today, things are peaceful and we're both doing what we need to do. just for today i'll do my best to drop the anxiety and worry. i do know there's no guarantee... ever. it's the past that's kicking my ass, and the "past" was active just a couple weeks ago, so this "just for today things are good" is pretty much brand spanking new. i feel like i have ~~emotional whiplash~~ and need to sit down at the side of the road for a while. stop the world, i wanna get off. so... better self care and voluntary quiet and peaceful activities are necessary. work in progress (not perfection).
many thanks for your words! and for making me LOL w/ that last paragraph of yours!