Stopped Communication...has anyone ever dealt with this?
vvv said
Apr 27, 2017
I have finally cut off communication with my ExABf. However, he does have my work number (thankfully I'm self-employed so I don't have to deal with my employer) and will call that number, I do ignore it and do not answer. However, has anyone ever experienced scary behavior from your qualifier when you do cut off communication? I have unblocked him from my cell phone a few times to see if he is still trying to contact me and I will receive texts about him coming to my work, blaming me for not going to rehab (I do know this has NOTHING to do with me nor is it my fault!), then he will try other tactics "have you heard from the property management company?" (he got evicted and both of our names were on the lease :() I feel like these are all attempts to contact me, but the thought of having to see him in person and confront him terrifies me not sure if I'm actually scared he will do something or just the pain I will have to see in his face and what he has done to himself or everything involved in this situation. Has anyone else ever dealt with that? If so how have you dealt? I think it's best to just not unblock to see if he's trying to contact me because it just stresses me out and like I read somewhere eventually he will say something and I will respond and I know I cannot, because the cycle will start all over again. Thank you!
SerenityRUS said
Apr 27, 2017
Hugs vvv,
I am truly sorry you are dealing with this, yes I have .. when my XAH and I split ironically he was the one who wanted it and I agreed, we went back and forth for a bit. Once I decided I was done .. I was D.O.N.E. to complicate things we were in the middle of a divorce with children. He seemed to be freaked out over the loss of control and still is .. however just not my issue.
When his behavior got so out of control that he was having people follow me around town (I lived in the country at the time small town), I had my Dr., 2 sheriff's and a counselor at the DV office tell me it was time to stop messing around. I got a temporary TRO and he managed to violate it within a 4 week span about 4x .. he couldn't help himself. Once he went to jail over a violation (there's a LONG story I have shared in the past) the communication stopped, he finally got it.
I had a situation with my first X who was also a drug addict .. yes .. sigh .. pattern much? Anyway, he would threaten and he honestly scared me because I knew he had guns and would say some scary things .. I was 20 miles from him .. and for some reason I KNEW he wasn't going to waste his effort to come and get me (he threatened my mom although she is unaware of that one). He was just to lazy to do so.
Between the two situations the one with my kids dad scared me far more than the other one. So I did take action ironically it was the first X who beat me one time and he also went to jail over that one. I made a very clear decision NOT to communicate with my kids dad while he was on the crazy train and as long as he's on the crazy train it will continue that way. It also escalated because he was reading things that were not there at the time. It's very scary to deal with that and the kiddo situation. Plus add to the fact that during that time the TRO was as much for me as it was for him .. it helped me have a clear break and it sent a clear message that I was not fooling around with him any more. He absolutely has zero contact with me now .. which you would think as grown adults we could do and I think I could however .. ehe .. I can't be a grown up for two people.
Give it over to your higher power, take a breath and see what you feel after that, usually the A's in my life have used fear as a weapon of control to get me to react without thinking to the situation that was going on. It was a change back message for me to go back to old behavior .. neither of them liked the new behavior and that was I'm taking MY life back.
Hugs S :)
vvv said
Apr 27, 2017
Hi S,
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I will and am trying to give it to my higher power (what methods do you use to do this? I am new to "giving it over to my higher power" and don't really know how to, so taking suggestions on that as well :) ) and just live my life and accept what comes and be strong enough to take control of MY life. I definitely know he says certain things to scare me into communicating with him or doing or not doing something. It really is hard to know which direction to go, because I feel as A's a lot of things they say are threats to protect them and their addiction, but it's like when do you know if a threat will be real?
SerenityRUS said
Apr 27, 2017
I just knew when there was an issue and when there wasn't.. It was my intuition. Giving things over to my higher power involved praying and then being quiet and listening to what feels right to me. Straight up I don't do well with the cumbya everyone gets along because that has not been muy past.. I take action as I see it necessary to my safety that circle includes my kids .. As an example .. 3 day weekend 2013 I believe January my x was suppose to have the kids .. There was no parenting agreement and it was up to me regarding the kids seeing him. I looked at my oldest and just said .. Hmmm .. I'm not feeling it I really think y'all need to reschedule visitation. I mean I was feeling off. She reluctantly listened .. I get a call Tuesday and guess who totaled a car left the scene of an accident and was messed up. After that every visitation was the discussion lol .. Mom how you feeling about this ... That was a God thing for me. Another one was I dropped the kids off for visitation and just looked at them .. Hey kids I have a feeling your dad is going to tell you he's getting married .. I got the eyeball roll from my oldest .. And I said I may be wrong it's not going to shock me. He hadn't seen the kids for 8 weeks and divorce had been finalized for 4 weeks maybe .. They hadn't met the woman yet. She wasn't there and I had to laugh I get a call 1 hour 45 min later hey mom visitation is over. Ok .. So I pick them up .. Saw the look on my girls face ave said crap .. I'm so sorry honey. Are you two ok? She looked at me and said yeah .. You are kind of scary .. Can you stop that!? Lol. The man waited until 5 to10 min left of visitation and word vomited the news. I was only angry because I was cleaning up his mess. At least they were prepared my youngest still says that freaks him out. So for me it's a knowing a feeling of what is best. When I don't fight it and I ask for my highest powers highest good I know the next thing I need to do for me. When I jump and I'm not ready or it's to early .. Ehe doesn't work well lol .. Hugs s ;)
shrnp said
Apr 27, 2017
I have blocked my phone number all the time. It was the only way I would get any peace. My ex would call me up hollering one minute and crying the next. I did not want that in my life. I have a family, my son lives with me and my five year old grandson stays with us sometimes. It is one thing for me to be exposed to his alcoholism but I was not going to do that to my grandson. My son had already been through it, and it got old real fast. I grew up in the craziness of alcoholism, I do not want that at my house even if it is just through the telephone. If he makes you nervous you can always call the police and see what your options are. You do not have to do anything. It might make you feel more secure.
Bo said
Apr 27, 2017
vvv wrote:
I have finally cut off communication with my ExABf. However, he does have my work number (thankfully I'm self-employed so I don't have to deal with my employer) and will call that number, I do ignore it and do not answer. However, has anyone ever experienced scary behavior from your qualifier when you do cut off communication? I have unblocked him from my cell phone a few times to see if he is still trying to contact me and I will receive texts about him coming to my work, blaming me for not going to rehab (I do know this has NOTHING to do with me nor is it my fault!), then he will try other tactics "have you heard from the property management company?" (he got evicted and both of our names were on the lease :() I feel like these are all attempts to contact me, but the thought of having to see him in person and confront him terrifies me not sure if I'm actually scared he will do something or just the pain I will have to see in his face and what he has done to himself or everything involved in this situation. Has anyone else ever dealt with that? If so how have you dealt? I think it's best to just not unblock to see if he's trying to contact me because it just stresses me out and like I read somewhere eventually he will say something and I will respond and I know I cannot, because the cycle will start all over again. Thank you!
I agree -- absolutely, positively, 1000%.
Think about him being your drink or drug -- and you need to be clean and sober. Period. You cannot just have one drink, or one pill, etc. Clean and sober is simply clean and sober. You want to get better, healthy -- get clean and sober. One day at a time.
vvv said
Apr 29, 2017
Thank you all for your advice and sharing your stories with me. I have not unblocked since I wrote here and it has helped!
Bo said
Apr 29, 2017
vvv wrote:
Thank you all for your advice and sharing your stories with me. I have not unblocked since I wrote here and it has helped!
I have finally cut off communication with my ExABf. However, he does have my work number (thankfully I'm self-employed so I don't have to deal with my employer) and will call that number, I do ignore it and do not answer. However, has anyone ever experienced scary behavior from your qualifier when you do cut off communication? I have unblocked him from my cell phone a few times to see if he is still trying to contact me and I will receive texts about him coming to my work, blaming me for not going to rehab (I do know this has NOTHING to do with me nor is it my fault!), then he will try other tactics "have you heard from the property management company?" (he got evicted and both of our names were on the lease :() I feel like these are all attempts to contact me, but the thought of having to see him in person and confront him terrifies me not sure if I'm actually scared he will do something or just the pain I will have to see in his face and what he has done to himself or everything involved in this situation. Has anyone else ever dealt with that? If so how have you dealt? I think it's best to just not unblock to see if he's trying to contact me because it just stresses me out and like I read somewhere eventually he will say something and I will respond and I know I cannot, because the cycle will start all over again. Thank you!
I am truly sorry you are dealing with this, yes I have .. when my XAH and I split ironically he was the one who wanted it and I agreed, we went back and forth for a bit. Once I decided I was done .. I was D.O.N.E. to complicate things we were in the middle of a divorce with children. He seemed to be freaked out over the loss of control and still is .. however just not my issue.
When his behavior got so out of control that he was having people follow me around town (I lived in the country at the time small town), I had my Dr., 2 sheriff's and a counselor at the DV office tell me it was time to stop messing around. I got a temporary TRO and he managed to violate it within a 4 week span about 4x .. he couldn't help himself. Once he went to jail over a violation (there's a LONG story I have shared in the past) the communication stopped, he finally got it.
I had a situation with my first X who was also a drug addict .. yes .. sigh .. pattern much? Anyway, he would threaten and he honestly scared me because I knew he had guns and would say some scary things .. I was 20 miles from him .. and for some reason I KNEW he wasn't going to waste his effort to come and get me (he threatened my mom although she is unaware of that one). He was just to lazy to do so.
Between the two situations the one with my kids dad scared me far more than the other one. So I did take action ironically it was the first X who beat me one time and he also went to jail over that one. I made a very clear decision NOT to communicate with my kids dad while he was on the crazy train and as long as he's on the crazy train it will continue that way. It also escalated because he was reading things that were not there at the time. It's very scary to deal with that and the kiddo situation. Plus add to the fact that during that time the TRO was as much for me as it was for him .. it helped me have a clear break and it sent a clear message that I was not fooling around with him any more. He absolutely has zero contact with me now .. which you would think as grown adults we could do and I think I could however .. ehe .. I can't be a grown up for two people.
Give it over to your higher power, take a breath and see what you feel after that, usually the A's in my life have used fear as a weapon of control to get me to react without thinking to the situation that was going on. It was a change back message for me to go back to old behavior .. neither of them liked the new behavior and that was I'm taking MY life back.
Hugs S :)
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I will and am trying to give it to my higher power (what methods do you use to do this? I am new to "giving it over to my higher power" and don't really know how to, so taking suggestions on that as well :) ) and just live my life and accept what comes and be strong enough to take control of MY life. I definitely know he says certain things to scare me into communicating with him or doing or not doing something. It really is hard to know which direction to go, because I feel as A's a lot of things they say are threats to protect them and their addiction, but it's like when do you know if a threat will be real?
I agree -- absolutely, positively, 1000%.
Think about him being your drink or drug -- and you need to be clean and sober. Period. You cannot just have one drink, or one pill, etc. Clean and sober is simply clean and sober. You want to get better, healthy -- get clean and sober. One day at a time.
Keep up the great work...on you!!!