10 years ago I got divorced from an alcoholic. It was the best thing to happen to me even though after 13 years together, I it felt like my world was crumbling at the time. I went to a lot of counseling, did a lot of reading and received a lot of support from here. In fact, this board was one of the reasons I had the strength to not try to go back.
So, fast forward and my life has gotten progressively better with the exception of life's ups and downs - losing my grandparents, my mom, etc. My life and my new relationship is not controlled by alcohol and I am so thankful. Though I occasionally feel sadness that my ex and I couldn't figure it out, I know it was not to be and that his problems were destroying my life even when at times I didn't realize it. He didn't think coming home slurring 5-6 nights a week for years indicated any problems and most of his friends agreed with him (I found out later some of his friends changed their minds once they opened their eyes). He blamed me even for his drinking and said our problems were of course all me. It was a painful time but through time and counseling I was able to get some perspective and realize he was using a typical Alcoholic tactic.
I was going about my life when my dad called me hysterical while I was on my way to the funeral of a family friend. He was sobbing and crying and telling me that my brother was in jail...again. This would be his third time. It seems to happen about once a decade starting in his 30s. My brother has addiction problems but he justifies it by saying now he is only doing marijuana for many years. I am actually for legalization but in my brother's case it has done him no good besides just the arrests. I know he used to do a lot of other drugs but he swears just marijuana now and he spends his life justifying and "proving" how good it is for you. I can tell you that when he smokes, he is not right in the head. His thinking is off and I am not sure what other psychological issues he may have. He is definitely immature since the drugs stunted his emotional maturity. Plus, we did have some family problems growing up including a very sick mom - almost 30 years of a debilitating illness. It was very hard growing up but he has never dealt with the pain or issues - just smoke a bowl and feel better.
My dad has been enabling him for years! My father is resistant to counseling and therefore hasn't done enough to encourage my brother to seek help. He attempted to bring my brother to a therapist but that was over 15 years ago. Since then my brother has been living in my dad's basement like a hermit. He goes to work and basically that's it. My dad is also in denial. He is the classic rescuer over and over. He's not eating or sleeping well. It's a mess. I have done so well separating myself from their codependent behavior but I got sucked back in because my dad is in such a crisis and he is older now so I worry about his health. I feel that I have to listen to him. I mean, he was calling me almost every day crying after the latest arrest. Plus, the current arrest is not for marijuana but a sex sting. My brother walked right into it. He had a pipe in his car. After reading through the evidence I figure he was probably high- poor judgment.
My dad is basically insisting I come for sentencing. He bought me a ticket. I really don't want to go and subject myself to this drama. If he goes to jail for a long time my dad will collapse. My brother would never come for me if I got in trouble. For instance he left all of the burden and problems on my shoulder in regards to my mother's care and emotional support. I keep reminding myself that I am going for my dad. All of that to say, what can I do to protect myself? How involved do I get? Is there anything I can do to help? I am heartbroken over my brother too. Plus I keep telling my dad that he is leaving me with my brother's problems when he is gone someday. I warned him to handle this now but he is still resistant though he says things like, "I know." I am completely lost as to what to say and do. I worked hard to get to an emotionally healthy place so I feel it's unfair to get dragged into a problem I didn't create and can't solve. What do I do?
SerenityRUS said
Apr 27, 2017
Hugs Sunny,
I truly am sorry you are dealing with this .. I guess what strikes me is this is your brother .. he's a grown man who is legally responsible for himself .. I had to learn to step out of the way and allow my loved one's to be responsible for their bad choices. My ability to love someone to death is what I bring to the picture.
Can you go and not get sucked into the drama of it all?? Do you have support around you to keep you grounded?? IF you go can you then attend alanon meetings to keep your focus? For me I have begin to measure my mental/emotional health against what everyone else thinks I should do .. is it good for me .. if I am doing it because I want to or because I have to .. the have to's get me into resentments.
What kind of support are you getting and are you making decisions on what other people think? Starting there will help filter out the other stuff .. and then move from there .. my mom has a tendency to do the drama of it all and I tend to give push back and say yah that's not going to work for me. I have found ways to be more kind about it. We are currently redefining our relationship so we'll see.
Hugs S :)
Iamhere said
Apr 27, 2017
I did 'hear' you say you desire to support your father. I believe that's awesome and I would want to do so as well.
What we do hear/learn in Al-Anon is we are powerless over other people, places and things. For me this means I need to walk into any/all situations knowing my Plan B - how do I get away, get a break, etc. It's never easy with family - I would certainly encourage you to attend some meetings so you've got recovering people to contact during your journey.
It's so hard to detach when you're thrown into the middle but it's possible with program effort, tools and support. When I'm engaged in these types of scenarios, I ask God to keep me focused on my intended mission and not distracted with the peripheral 'stuff'...
(((Hugs)))
shrnp said
Apr 27, 2017
I am sorry you are going through this with your father. Most people that get arrested for possession of marijuana, usually get arrested for something else. Then the police find the pot. Sometimes people straighten up after going to jail. It is not going to hurt your brother to be there. Maybe, you can persuade your dad to get some help. Talking to other parents with the same things in common would be good for him. I lived with my father when he got older. I hated to see him alone all the time. He went to the doctors and took care of himself that way pretty good but he was not eating right. He would not spend money on groceries. Some of the food in his refrigerator would go bad. I hope things get better for him and you.
DavidG said
Apr 27, 2017
hmmm... I suppose my short answer to your question is ~detach~.
Much easier said than done!
Just the commercial break here... ... you will know this one, anyway...!!! We don't offer advice, just give opinions... ...
But ah just love being asked for advice!!! Always have... ...
couldn't help myself... but could I help you-? showing care and empathy, in your situation?
knowing you are not alone is part of the first step... priceless... ...
sunny123 said
May 19, 2017
Thank you everyone!! I have been reflecting on your comments and appreciate the support and some personal anecdotes. Sometimes I feel like I am complicit in the addiction since I am detaching and keeping my feelings to myself and not expressing how I feel about the situation. I am torn but I have learned from all of you that getting so involved won't fix or control anything. My dad is just as dedicated to the dysfunction even though he says he wants it to change. He just doesn't want to do the things he needs to do to make a change. I think he is terrified and in some ways my brother likes having him in that state. He gets to continue on and have my dad support him emotionally and financially.
Next week in sentencing so I am going to go but remain detached as much as I can. I can't control the results and frankly I am not sure what results would be best for my brother. I am going to leave that up to HP.
SerenityRUS said
May 19, 2017
GFU .. I'm very glad you found a balance that works for you. :)
Hugs and safe journey,
S :)
Iamhere said
May 19, 2017
Sounds like you're doing what makes sense for you and that is recovery! I know from personal experience it's hard to stay grounded and not get sucked in - my favorite, quick reminder is Bless Them, Change Me......I have to practice keeping my mouth closed and my ears/heart open - to hear what's best for me from a power greater than myself.
10 years ago I got divorced from an alcoholic. It was the best thing to happen to me even though after 13 years together, I it felt like my world was crumbling at the time. I went to a lot of counseling, did a lot of reading and received a lot of support from here. In fact, this board was one of the reasons I had the strength to not try to go back.
So, fast forward and my life has gotten progressively better with the exception of life's ups and downs - losing my grandparents, my mom, etc. My life and my new relationship is not controlled by alcohol and I am so thankful. Though I occasionally feel sadness that my ex and I couldn't figure it out, I know it was not to be and that his problems were destroying my life even when at times I didn't realize it. He didn't think coming home slurring 5-6 nights a week for years indicated any problems and most of his friends agreed with him (I found out later some of his friends changed their minds once they opened their eyes). He blamed me even for his drinking and said our problems were of course all me. It was a painful time but through time and counseling I was able to get some perspective and realize he was using a typical Alcoholic tactic.
I was going about my life when my dad called me hysterical while I was on my way to the funeral of a family friend. He was sobbing and crying and telling me that my brother was in jail...again. This would be his third time. It seems to happen about once a decade starting in his 30s. My brother has addiction problems but he justifies it by saying now he is only doing marijuana for many years. I am actually for legalization but in my brother's case it has done him no good besides just the arrests. I know he used to do a lot of other drugs but he swears just marijuana now and he spends his life justifying and "proving" how good it is for you. I can tell you that when he smokes, he is not right in the head. His thinking is off and I am not sure what other psychological issues he may have. He is definitely immature since the drugs stunted his emotional maturity. Plus, we did have some family problems growing up including a very sick mom - almost 30 years of a debilitating illness. It was very hard growing up but he has never dealt with the pain or issues - just smoke a bowl and feel better.
My dad has been enabling him for years! My father is resistant to counseling and therefore hasn't done enough to encourage my brother to seek help. He attempted to bring my brother to a therapist but that was over 15 years ago. Since then my brother has been living in my dad's basement like a hermit. He goes to work and basically that's it. My dad is also in denial. He is the classic rescuer over and over. He's not eating or sleeping well. It's a mess. I have done so well separating myself from their codependent behavior but I got sucked back in because my dad is in such a crisis and he is older now so I worry about his health. I feel that I have to listen to him. I mean, he was calling me almost every day crying after the latest arrest. Plus, the current arrest is not for marijuana but a sex sting. My brother walked right into it. He had a pipe in his car. After reading through the evidence I figure he was probably high- poor judgment.
My dad is basically insisting I come for sentencing. He bought me a ticket. I really don't want to go and subject myself to this drama. If he goes to jail for a long time my dad will collapse. My brother would never come for me if I got in trouble. For instance he left all of the burden and problems on my shoulder in regards to my mother's care and emotional support. I keep reminding myself that I am going for my dad. All of that to say, what can I do to protect myself? How involved do I get? Is there anything I can do to help? I am heartbroken over my brother too. Plus I keep telling my dad that he is leaving me with my brother's problems when he is gone someday. I warned him to handle this now but he is still resistant though he says things like, "I know." I am completely lost as to what to say and do. I worked hard to get to an emotionally healthy place so I feel it's unfair to get dragged into a problem I didn't create and can't solve. What do I do?
I truly am sorry you are dealing with this .. I guess what strikes me is this is your brother .. he's a grown man who is legally responsible for himself .. I had to learn to step out of the way and allow my loved one's to be responsible for their bad choices. My ability to love someone to death is what I bring to the picture.
Can you go and not get sucked into the drama of it all?? Do you have support around you to keep you grounded?? IF you go can you then attend alanon meetings to keep your focus? For me I have begin to measure my mental/emotional health against what everyone else thinks I should do .. is it good for me .. if I am doing it because I want to or because I have to .. the have to's get me into resentments.
What kind of support are you getting and are you making decisions on what other people think? Starting there will help filter out the other stuff .. and then move from there .. my mom has a tendency to do the drama of it all and I tend to give push back and say yah that's not going to work for me. I have found ways to be more kind about it. We are currently redefining our relationship so we'll see.
Hugs S :)
What we do hear/learn in Al-Anon is we are powerless over other people, places and things. For me this means I need to walk into any/all situations knowing my Plan B - how do I get away, get a break, etc. It's never easy with family - I would certainly encourage you to attend some meetings so you've got recovering people to contact during your journey.
It's so hard to detach when you're thrown into the middle but it's possible with program effort, tools and support. When I'm engaged in these types of scenarios, I ask God to keep me focused on my intended mission and not distracted with the peripheral 'stuff'...
(((Hugs)))
hmmm... I suppose my short answer to your question is ~detach~.
Much easier said than done!
Just the commercial break here...
... you will know this one, anyway...!!! We don't offer advice, just give opinions... 
...
But ah just love being asked for advice!!! Always have...
...
couldn't help myself... but could I help you-? showing care and empathy, in your situation?
knowing you are not alone is part of the first step... priceless...
...
Next week in sentencing so I am going to go but remain detached as much as I can. I can't control the results and frankly I am not sure what results would be best for my brother. I am going to leave that up to HP.
Hugs and safe journey,
S :)
Keep coming back!!