Lately I have been struggling with trying to keep my focus on myself and letting AW do her own thing and manage her own recovery in her own way, and feeling ... I'm not sure. Almost betrayed by the choices AW is making in her recovery. I let her move back in with the understanding that she would work full time and help clean the house, especially litter boxes. Over the last year, I can trace instances where she's inched away from her part of the deal, a little at a time. And, I didn't notice it was happening, or I decided it was not important. (Working a full time, physical job, I understand she might be exhausted at the end of the day and not up to helping with dishes, so as long as the cat boxes were clean, that was ok. Then, I go tired of arguing about the cat boxes.)
Recently, she cut her work hours down to part time (which I told her was her decision) so that she could focus on her education, applying for better paying jobs, and engaging more deeply with her recovery. Sounds great on the surface. She even followed through for three weeks. But the last two weeks, she's been just sleeping and watching tv on her days off, as well as on the weekend. She hasn't gone to any AA meetings recently, doesn't have a sponsor, and refuses to work the steps. She's missed or cancelled her last two counseling sessions as well. I recognize this pattern of behavior, and in the past, it resulted in leaving work entirely, sitting at home, and/or drinking at bars while I was at work. I know (and the courts know) that she is not drinking now, but the behavior pattern is the same.
So, I'm trying to focus on myself and what I am doing. I tell myself that I need to leave her to her own devices and that I am frantically washing dishes before work in the morning because I want a clean kitchen and no ants this summer. I am doing laundry at all hours when I happen to be in the basement because I want clean clothes. I am dusting, etc. because I want a clean house. All true. And I had a clean house when she was not living with me. I remind myself that the amount of upkeep and housework that I am doing is not significantly more, and that I am not doing more work than I would be if she were not there.
And still, I am upset because I feel like I have the burden of everything and she could at least be going to meetings or otherwise trying to make progress instead of sinking back into her pit of depressed sofa-sitting. And, I am unsure of what to do or say about it. I fear that I am again enabling her by not saying anything about her lack of holding up her end of the bargain, and I fear being pulled back into codependent behavior patterns. I'm also certain that anything I say would have a bit of anger or resentment in it at this point, so I'm deciding not to say anything right now.
We did talk about it last night. She wanted to blame lack of fresh air in the house for her state of tired, despite having all the windows open. I suggested that there could be a medical reason for her lack of energy, and that she might want to discuss things with the doctor. I suggested as well that she keep an energy-level journal and note sleep patters, food, and what she did during the day so the doctor would be able to see patterns, if there were any. What I did not broach was how I am feeling about things. I don't think a productive conversation can result from that right now, and I was certain that I wasn't ready to talk to her about where I am at.
Thanks for humoring me and my rather long share. Writing things down helped me reach more clarity on this issue than I've had in a while!
hotrod said
Apr 27, 2017
((Skorpi))) I appreciate your honesty and clarity. It does sound as if a pattern is unfolding. I do agree with your assessment about the house keeping and know how important keeping the home tidy and clean is.
Accepting powerlessness was difficult until I found that being powerless did not mean" helpless". Increasing meetings, reworking the Steps and deciding on what boundaries I needed and then having the courage to express them worked for me
It is a process so I suggest that you make a list of what boundary you need in order to maintain this living arrangement and share it here or with a sponsor before you engage.
Positive thougts and prayers on the way
_bunny_ said
Apr 27, 2017
Sending positive energy ((Skorpi)). I can relate to your share, I too sometimes feel I'm contributing more to the relationship than my AH and my co-dependent victim mentality sets right in. What has worked for me is explaining what I'm feeling and why (never when he's been drinking of course) and setting a boundary. I find when I'm honest about my feelings to myself as well as my AH, not only does it build trust but it replaces resentment and angry feelings with more time to love myself and a higher self esteem. Thank you for your share, it really helped me and I'm happy you received more clarity from sharing too :)
SerenityRUS said
Apr 27, 2017
I like the term honoring my feelings .. that was something that was shared here with me on one of my shares.
Am I honoring my feelings?
I agree that sharing with a trusted friend is the way to go I can't tell you how many of my divorced friends will send a quick blurb and say ok .. is that ok to say and I usually respond will how much of a war are you looking for .. LOL .. we laugh and they then are able to take a look at it from a different perspective.
Sometimes I do more sometimes I do less .. am I asking for help or am I being a waffler and not stating my needs clearly. That's another big issue I have .. being clear about what I want.
Hugs S :)
2HP said
Apr 27, 2017
I love the title of your post and the great significance of it in my recovery.
It does sound like you have a resentment...?? I wanted to chime in to share that my sponsor taught me to do a 4th step inventory on every resentment that pops up every. single. one. I'm so grateful because this method was very helpful in my recovery.
and then to share it with her to help ME uncover the real problem. I find it helps to write the inventory out because otherwise its just a bunch of negative thoughts circulating around in my head and my emotions always follow... it is like a mental prison.
Freedom comes when I see the part that I myself am playing in my own suffering. As long as I see myself as victim, I remain helpless to overcome my problems and miss out entirely on the opportunities God is bringing me to change my character and grow. Ours is a spiritual program not a program to get others to knuckle under, lol
Even when I did leave relationships, failing to do a fearless, searching inventory... I took myself and my defects/ shortcomings/behavior patterns along with me... into the next relationship and I do it all over again.
Perhaps the biggest reason I keep coming back to Al-anon is because I find if I dont, suddenly people are once again not acting the way I want them to act. I sit with others in Al-anon to fill up on detachment fuel for myself.... less attached to what my loved ones are doing/not doing.
I must find ways to keep my focus through my ACTIONS and my brain always follows.... more meetings more meditation time more prayer time. get outside in nature.. this is the action of LET GO AND LET GOD. I hope you feel lighter soon, you deserve it.
Iamhere said
Apr 27, 2017
(((Skorpi))) - I too can relate. What I've learned in recovery is ... everyone in my family loves to live in a clean house but nobody likes to clean house (but me). I've gone through boycotts, and I am the only one who get's stressed about it. It took me a long while to accept that which I can not change and did as Betty suggested - created boundaries that really mattered to me.
Mine include simple things like I don't chase dirty laundry but will freely wash what is delivered to the laundry room. Very simple things that help make what I do a bit simpler. I do all the cleaning and all the cooking and just fit it in when I have time. I am the dish washer as well so if I'm not wanting to deal with dishes, we use paper plates or take out.
I basically set out to 'change the things I could' and slowly but surely, I'm OK with what is and what is not complete each day. It's difficult to split up chores and household duties without the damage of this disease and really hard with it in our lives. I do know for me that when I am starting to feel uncomfortable or resentful I do need to 'talk it out and reason it out'.....that so helps me figure out what it is that is bothering me within my area of direct influence vs. not.
I am also still a simple person - always looking for what has improved vs. what's wrong with this day/person/week/? I was so slanted towards the negative when I arrived that it pops up if I am 'left of center'....keep leaning into the tools, program, etc. and the answers will come!!
Skorpi said
Apr 28, 2017
Thanks everyone
Upon further reflection, the cleaning, etc. is not the real issue. (Ha, surprise. Frustrating, but just a scapegoat.) The real issue is AW's current descent into depression, self-loathing, etc. and her desire for me to "Make her feel better about herself" - which I cannot do. Not because I think she's a horrid person, but because I am not in her head and I cannot "make her" anything. Nor do I want to. I want her to be responsible for dealing with her own self and her own emotions, and not dump them out onto me, or insist that I am being a terrible person with my "coldness," or obsess about what it means that I left the house without coffee, or bait me into a fight about how unsympathetic I am being just when I am about to go to sleep, or ...
So, a new boundary is needed. I think the first is that if she wants to discuss issues with our marriage, the time to do that is NOT when I am going to sleep. The second might be something like: I cannot be responsible for your emotions, or how you deal with your depression. I will listen to how you are feeling, but it is not my responsibility to make you feel better or change my plans for the day.
hotrod said
Apr 28, 2017
Great processing Skorpi Stay focused on yourself and more will be revealed
SerenityRUS said
Apr 28, 2017
Hugs Skorpi :)
I really think that people do not get the concept that no one can "make them feel" better, worse whatever .. yes .. life situations can suck, be happy and so on .. however "I" am responding to my circumstances/situations vs anyone "making" me.
Funny story, and it's honestly amazing I left my house with all of my teeth as a kid. My mother did the EST program and I forget what it stands for it was all the rage in the late 70's early 80's .. Dr Phil is a graduate of that program Robert somebody came up with it and I never met the man however as a kid I literally hated the man and his program. Everyone needs a kindergarten weekend emotional makeover when there are some huge issues out there specifically with people who don't take responsibility as an adult .. now .. that's how I thought as a kid .. LOL .. my poor mom had her hands full. Anyway, my mother when I would say "you make me mad" would respond appropriately looking back although probably could have used a better sense of wording because of my intelligence level at that age and say "I don't make you mad .. you make you mad." Now I'm 10. I'll tell you how it worked for me when she spouted off about 3 days later how I made her mad, .. my response was sorry I don't make you mad .. LOL. I am a pro at dogging shoes! LOL.
The older I get the more I understand it truly is about words and words are a powerful tool .. I can build others up or I can tear them down that choice is mine to make.
Anyway, point is you are doing GREAT .. wonderful processing and wonderful boundaries. Keep doing you!! Recovery looks wonderful on you!! :)
Iamhere said
Apr 28, 2017
Agree with above - great processing and great ideas for boundaries. It's hard to watch those we live get stuck with their demons. I've spent some time this week with my sons and I am truly worn down/worn out. Keep processing and as we've been told, clarity and answers will come forward.
Lately I have been struggling with trying to keep my focus on myself and letting AW do her own thing and manage her own recovery in her own way, and feeling ... I'm not sure. Almost betrayed by the choices AW is making in her recovery. I let her move back in with the understanding that she would work full time and help clean the house, especially litter boxes. Over the last year, I can trace instances where she's inched away from her part of the deal, a little at a time. And, I didn't notice it was happening, or I decided it was not important. (Working a full time, physical job, I understand she might be exhausted at the end of the day and not up to helping with dishes, so as long as the cat boxes were clean, that was ok. Then, I go tired of arguing about the cat boxes.)
Recently, she cut her work hours down to part time (which I told her was her decision) so that she could focus on her education, applying for better paying jobs, and engaging more deeply with her recovery. Sounds great on the surface. She even followed through for three weeks. But the last two weeks, she's been just sleeping and watching tv on her days off, as well as on the weekend. She hasn't gone to any AA meetings recently, doesn't have a sponsor, and refuses to work the steps. She's missed or cancelled her last two counseling sessions as well. I recognize this pattern of behavior, and in the past, it resulted in leaving work entirely, sitting at home, and/or drinking at bars while I was at work. I know (and the courts know) that she is not drinking now, but the behavior pattern is the same.
So, I'm trying to focus on myself and what I am doing. I tell myself that I need to leave her to her own devices and that I am frantically washing dishes before work in the morning because I want a clean kitchen and no ants this summer. I am doing laundry at all hours when I happen to be in the basement because I want clean clothes. I am dusting, etc. because I want a clean house. All true. And I had a clean house when she was not living with me. I remind myself that the amount of upkeep and housework that I am doing is not significantly more, and that I am not doing more work than I would be if she were not there.
And still, I am upset because I feel like I have the burden of everything and she could at least be going to meetings or otherwise trying to make progress instead of sinking back into her pit of depressed sofa-sitting. And, I am unsure of what to do or say about it. I fear that I am again enabling her by not saying anything about her lack of holding up her end of the bargain, and I fear being pulled back into codependent behavior patterns. I'm also certain that anything I say would have a bit of anger or resentment in it at this point, so I'm deciding not to say anything right now.
We did talk about it last night. She wanted to blame lack of fresh air in the house for her state of tired, despite having all the windows open. I suggested that there could be a medical reason for her lack of energy, and that she might want to discuss things with the doctor. I suggested as well that she keep an energy-level journal and note sleep patters, food, and what she did during the day so the doctor would be able to see patterns, if there were any. What I did not broach was how I am feeling about things. I don't think a productive conversation can result from that right now, and I was certain that I wasn't ready to talk to her about where I am at.
Thanks for humoring me and my rather long share. Writing things down helped me reach more clarity on this issue than I've had in a while!
Accepting powerlessness was difficult until I found that being powerless did not mean" helpless". Increasing meetings, reworking the Steps and deciding on what boundaries I needed and then having the courage to express them worked for me
It is a process so I suggest that you make a list of what boundary you need in order to maintain this living arrangement and share it here or with a sponsor before you engage.
Positive thougts and prayers on the way
Am I honoring my feelings?
I agree that sharing with a trusted friend is the way to go I can't tell you how many of my divorced friends will send a quick blurb and say ok .. is that ok to say and I usually respond will how much of a war are you looking for .. LOL .. we laugh and they then are able to take a look at it from a different perspective.
Sometimes I do more sometimes I do less .. am I asking for help or am I being a waffler and not stating my needs clearly. That's another big issue I have .. being clear about what I want.
Hugs S :)
It does sound like you have a resentment...?? I wanted to chime in to share that my sponsor taught me to do a 4th step inventory on every resentment that pops up every. single. one. I'm so grateful because this method was very helpful in my recovery.
and then to share it with her to help ME uncover the real problem. I find it helps to write the inventory out because otherwise its just a bunch of negative thoughts circulating around in my head and my emotions always follow... it is like a mental prison.
Freedom comes when I see the part that I myself am playing in my own suffering. As long as I see myself as victim, I remain helpless to overcome my problems and miss out entirely on the opportunities God is bringing me to change my character and grow. Ours is a spiritual program not a program to get others to knuckle under, lol
Even when I did leave relationships, failing to do a fearless, searching inventory... I took myself and my defects/ shortcomings/behavior patterns along with me... into the next relationship and I do it all over again.
Perhaps the biggest reason I keep coming back to Al-anon is because I find if I dont, suddenly people are once again not acting the way I want them to act. I sit with others in Al-anon to fill up on detachment fuel for myself.... less attached to what my loved ones are doing/not doing.
I must find ways to keep my focus through my ACTIONS and my brain always follows.... more meetings more meditation time more prayer time. get outside in nature.. this is the action of LET GO AND LET GOD. I hope you feel lighter soon, you deserve it.
Mine include simple things like I don't chase dirty laundry but will freely wash what is delivered to the laundry room. Very simple things that help make what I do a bit simpler. I do all the cleaning and all the cooking and just fit it in when I have time. I am the dish washer as well so if I'm not wanting to deal with dishes, we use paper plates or take out.
I basically set out to 'change the things I could' and slowly but surely, I'm OK with what is and what is not complete each day. It's difficult to split up chores and household duties without the damage of this disease and really hard with it in our lives. I do know for me that when I am starting to feel uncomfortable or resentful I do need to 'talk it out and reason it out'.....that so helps me figure out what it is that is bothering me within my area of direct influence vs. not.
I am also still a simple person - always looking for what has improved vs. what's wrong with this day/person/week/? I was so slanted towards the negative when I arrived that it pops up if I am 'left of center'....keep leaning into the tools, program, etc. and the answers will come!!
Upon further reflection, the cleaning, etc. is not the real issue. (Ha, surprise. Frustrating, but just a scapegoat.) The real issue is AW's current descent into depression, self-loathing, etc. and her desire for me to "Make her feel better about herself" - which I cannot do. Not because I think she's a horrid person, but because I am not in her head and I cannot "make her" anything. Nor do I want to. I want her to be responsible for dealing with her own self and her own emotions, and not dump them out onto me, or insist that I am being a terrible person with my "coldness," or obsess about what it means that I left the house without coffee, or bait me into a fight about how unsympathetic I am being just when I am about to go to sleep, or ...
So, a new boundary is needed. I think the first is that if she wants to discuss issues with our marriage, the time to do that is NOT when I am going to sleep. The second might be something like: I cannot be responsible for your emotions, or how you deal with your depression. I will listen to how you are feeling, but it is not my responsibility to make you feel better or change my plans for the day.
I really think that people do not get the concept that no one can "make them feel" better, worse whatever .. yes .. life situations can suck, be happy and so on .. however "I" am responding to my circumstances/situations vs anyone "making" me.
Funny story, and it's honestly amazing I left my house with all of my teeth as a kid. My mother did the EST program and I forget what it stands for it was all the rage in the late 70's early 80's .. Dr Phil is a graduate of that program Robert somebody came up with it and I never met the man however as a kid I literally hated the man and his program. Everyone needs a kindergarten weekend emotional makeover when there are some huge issues out there specifically with people who don't take responsibility as an adult .. now .. that's how I thought as a kid .. LOL .. my poor mom had her hands full. Anyway, my mother when I would say "you make me mad" would respond appropriately looking back although probably could have used a better sense of wording because of my intelligence level at that age and say "I don't make you mad .. you make you mad." Now I'm 10. I'll tell you how it worked for me when she spouted off about 3 days later how I made her mad, .. my response was sorry I don't make you mad .. LOL. I am a pro at dogging shoes! LOL.
The older I get the more I understand it truly is about words and words are a powerful tool .. I can build others up or I can tear them down that choice is mine to make.
Anyway, point is you are doing GREAT .. wonderful processing and wonderful boundaries. Keep doing you!! Recovery looks wonderful on you!! :)
(((Hugs)))