Went to my therapist today and I thought this may help someone. My ah related again and is two weeks sober this time his moods are hyper sensitive and he has episode of whatever a lot lately. Example is I got a text from him with graphic picture of dog poop, yep dog poop. I ignored it and just drover home. As I am getting out of my car my ah has a look of utter disgusts and says just when it couldn't get any worse. I walk in the house and he shows me the poop and now it is off our back porch. All I said was why didn't you just flushed it down the toilet. This completely pissed him off and he cleaned it up and I proceeded getting baby blackberries out of my garden. He got so mad bc I didn't respond the way I normally would (I would feel bad for making that comment, follow him and clean up the mess and try and calm him down). He tore out of the house ran over a drain cover and squealed tires. All this time I couldn't figure out why I have been feeling like I was on eggshells again and then when I went to my therapist she explained how it is a form of control he is doing and I need to change the way I react to "His emergencies" I mean it was just dog poop. I apologize for the example but you just can't make this stuff up! ;)! ahe told me I am not responsible for the way he acts and that his mood should not impact mine.. I am very grateful for my therapist today, she helped me clear the confusion and see what is really happening. I have been doing this emotional blackmail so long that I didn't realize what it was and that I can say things and have feelings about things without feeling guilty. Have an awesome day!!!
SerenityRUS said
Apr 26, 2017
LOL .. good for you figuring that out I know it can be very hard not to take everything the A does personally. I found that leaked all over my daily life as well. Part of my attitude had to do with playing the victim martyr card which honestly was not fair on my part. YES .. you know it's ALL MY FAULT the A drinks ... NOT! The 3 C's really cover that so why should I allow someone else to dictate my mood. My current boyfriend is very baffled when he's having a moment and I'm like ok .. you have fun with that or I'm sorry you feel that way and move on. What I don't like is being dismissed when I have stated clearly something is not ok. OR being ignored when I state .. I don't like that and the other person continues. I have learned to remove myself from those types of situations.
Hugs :)
hotrod said
Apr 26, 2017
Hello Help Angel, thanks for sharing this important new awareness that you achieved. One of the reasons Al-Anon program insists that we focus on ourselves, is the simple fact that we have been so busy taking care of others and trying to anticipate their needs that we have neglected ourselves in our own feelings.
Using Al-Anon tools, learning to keep the focus on ourselves and live one day at a time writing gratitude and asset lists truly helps in this process
Thank you for being here
Iamhere said
Apr 26, 2017
Great share and awareness HelpAngel....I can relate as well. I used to allow my moods and outlook to be directly affected by the moods, words or actions of those I love. The program has helped me realize it's really not about me but about them. It's lovely to see you growing and healing and I too am glad you're on this journey with me/us!!
Bo said
Apr 26, 2017
Helpangel wrote:
Went to my therapist today and I thought this may help someone. My ah related again and is two weeks sober this time his moods are hyper sensitive and he has episode of whatever a lot lately. Example is I got a text from him with graphic picture of dog poop, yep dog poop. I ignored it and just drover home. As I am getting out of my car my ah has a look of utter disgusts and says just when it couldn't get any worse. I walk in the house and he shows me the poop and now it is off our back porch. All I said was why didn't you just flushed it down the toilet. This completely pissed him off and he cleaned it up and I proceeded getting baby blackberries out of my garden. He got so mad bc I didn't respond the way I normally would (I would feel bad for making that comment, follow him and clean up the mess and try and calm him down). He tore out of the house ran over a drain cover and squealed tires. All this time I couldn't figure out why I have been feeling like I was on eggshells again and then when I went to my therapist she explained how it is a form of control he is doing and I need to change the way I react to "His emergencies" I mean it was just dog poop. I apologize for the example but you just can't make this stuff up! ;)! ahe told me I am not responsible for the way he acts and that his mood should not impact mine.. I am very grateful for my therapist today, she helped me clear the confusion and see what is really happening. I have been doing this emotional blackmail so long that I didn't realize what it was and that I can say things and have feelings about things without feeling guilty. Have an awesome day!!!
That is great for you!!! Healthy for you!!! Hearing this makes me feel good. Thank you for sharing...Keep up the great work and progress.
Helpangel said
Apr 27, 2017
He said he assumed I was mad because I said why didn't you just throw it in the toilet. Something snapped in me tonight. I coukd no longer take the it's your fault because blah, blah. I asked him to move out he said no so I packed my daughter and my stuff and left. I don't want to fight with him about who was right or wrong or how he has been acting and making the whole house feel because he always twist it into something I'm doing I was he is assuming I'm doing... say what?? Assuming I'm doing?!? Or feeling but when directly tell him he won't/can't listen. I just drove to my sisters. He's not making any sense he's got our dogs scared, my daughter scared and me and I can't tel him bc of whatever. I decided that enough was enough and just left him alone. We shouldn't have to feel this way in our in home... twisting my words, feelings into something I can't even recognize. He can be alone with his meanness, negative and anxiety ridden self. I'm going to have fun at the beach and hang out with my family... assume that butthead (sorry everyone I'm fiesty! Tonight!) one thing that sticks in my mind is him saying u r going to have to explain to your daughter why I'm gone. She told me when we stopped and where at a gas station it's sad but she is glad that he won't be scaring the dogs or her anymore. We will be ok :). Very blessed indeed. Good night everyone
PosiesandPuppies said
Apr 27, 2017
{{{Helpangel}}}
I hope you and your daughter stay strong in your belief! You all deserve to be someplace where he won't be scaring the dogs or yourselves!
hotrod said
Apr 27, 2017
Sounds as if you processed the situation and acted in a healthy manner. Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way. Keep coming back.
SerenityRUS said
Apr 27, 2017
Hugs HA,
I am sorry it came to that however it sounds like you have processed what you needed and taken a big step forward .. be aware that with those big steps come the next wave of feelings so just stay focused I really hope you are attending alanon meetings and taking care of yourself emotionally. When my X left I needed it more then than ever.
Hugs S :)
Iamhere said
Apr 27, 2017
Self-care comes in many, many forms. Choosing a break to realign your sanity, emotions, etc. is always a good thing in my program. Empowering ourselves to 'walk away from insanity' felt hard at first but got easier as I continued in recovery.
Enjoy the beach, the break and keep working your program! It does work when we work it!
Hugs :)
Hello Help Angel, thanks for sharing this important new awareness that you achieved. One of the reasons Al-Anon program insists that we focus on ourselves, is the simple fact that we have been so busy taking care of others and trying to anticipate their needs that we have neglected ourselves in our own feelings.
Using Al-Anon tools, learning to keep the focus on ourselves and live one day at a time writing gratitude and asset lists truly helps in this process
Thank you for being here
That is great for you!!! Healthy for you!!! Hearing this makes me feel good. Thank you for sharing...Keep up the great work and progress.
I hope you and your daughter stay strong in your belief! You all deserve to be someplace where he won't be scaring the dogs or yourselves!
Sounds as if you processed the situation and acted in a healthy manner. Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way. Keep coming back.
I am sorry it came to that however it sounds like you have processed what you needed and taken a big step forward .. be aware that with those big steps come the next wave of feelings so just stay focused I really hope you are attending alanon meetings and taking care of yourself emotionally. When my X left I needed it more then than ever.
Hugs S :)
Enjoy the beach, the break and keep working your program! It does work when we work it!