My AH has been an alcoholic our entire marriage and has definitely progressed the past few years, he has rarely strung more than a few months of sobriety together and goes out on bingers for what used to be weeks is now months. In the past 2 years, he has spent a cumulative 2 months at home, only 10 days in 2017. He has the ability to be very charming and compassionate and he also a good looking guy. When he goes on bingers, he doesn't work or have anywhere to go so he hooks up with women. Usually its a woman who has the ability to buy him clothes, drive him around and is so thrilled at having his attention, buys him alcohol. I have lost track of how many times he has strayed in our marriage. These relationships seem to last for awhile, I guess until they realize they are being used and cut him off. he will come home, go to rehab and do ok for a little while, then go back out and call them and pretend he left me and wants to be with them.... I hae been sent a video of him cheating by one of the jilted women angry he wanted to come home. I don't know why I have made this acceptable in my life. Its like a knife every time, my hands go numb, my heart feels icy, its a horrible feeling. I honestly feel its his disease and don't think if he was truly sober and working a program he would be the kind of man to do this. I honestly believed he loved me but his disease kept him from being a husband and father. Lately, though, I'm feeling that maybe Im wrong and I am, in fact, just another "living situation" for him, for the times he feels guilty or decides he wants to be a family. I guess i want to know I'm not alone in this. Logically I know I'm not but I feel that way. AFter being on a binger for months he showed up on Easter and said he was willing to go rehab and asked me to hold off on filing for divorce. He was scheduled to get out yesterday but when I called in the morning, I found out he had already left...I have no idea where he is, who with or what he is doing. I usually don't but I let myself believe this would work because thats what I wanted. What are your experiences with infidelity? I'm so damn dysfunctional I spent yesterday texting one of the more recent women he has cheated with. She claims he is not with her and she hasn't seen him blah, blah, blah but she asks so many other questions that I get the feeling she is. She was so desperate the binger before last that she would pretend to be at work, while her kids were with her husband (yes husband), and driver around inner city with my husband hanging out with all the addicts and alcoholics. She bought him a new wardrobe (on her husbands credit card) and put him up in hotels and bought a brand new phone. i'm just shattered and am having trouble putting myself back together.
free4today said
Apr 26, 2017
Welcome Trying!
You have made one big, very important step (well done!) by reaching out to Alanon and even this forum. I am new to it , but posted once about a week ago and one of the service members did reach out and send me some comfort and gentle guidance by Sharing his story ( experience, strength,& hope). Even though the post was like three years old! When I read it last night I realized I need to be coming here more often, reading posts, and learning this language of hope, healing, and health offered so freely by Alanon champions who have gone before me.
Reading topics that apply to my situation , Finding out where I am Powerless then admitting I need help to stop 'managing': I can then use Alanon guidelines to name the dysfunction and focus on the solution (I am the problem:I am the solution); try believing God can restore me to sanity; then attempt to put His job out of my control and back Into to His hands where it belongs. ...this a measurable example that I can see for myself of my willingness to participate in my own healing. There is something about the love of alanon members that teaches me how my Higher Power can fill any void, and I mean any missing thing! He really can and really wants to! He does it again and again as I take and apply these ,siimple but not easy, steps! Your A is not capable of fulfilling the need you are really reaching for, but one day at a time in The Alanon Way, you will find these needs met above and beyond what you could have ever hoped or asked for.
Let me be the first to say to you in this place: Welcome Home to your real family, you are not alone anymore, and please for your own sake and ours too...keep coming back! (((((((Hugs))))))).
SerenityRUS said
Apr 26, 2017
Hugs T2H,
I really don't know what to say except to say I am glad you are here and hope you will attend face to face meetings to find support.
My XAH was both a binger as well as had affair/s one I did know for sure the others I speculate and it doesn't feel good.
What I have discovered in my own journey of the cheating and what he was doing, he needed his "feel" goods and it was centered around his ego. I had to remove myself to find my peace because while what he did was "wrong" for me I put myself through hell over that behavior and allowed it to dictate my self worth as well as my self esteem.
His cheating/drinking is not about you and while it feels incredibly personal it's really not .. it's not about what you were not .. it is about what he is .. and taking the focus off of why he does whatever is what helped me move past that issue and work on me.
He does what he does because he's an alcoholic .. it really doesn't matter because it only matters what you are going to do and I really hope it's going to get help for you and let him do him.
Hugs S :)
Bo said
Apr 26, 2017
Trying2heal wrote:
My AH has been an alcoholic our entire marriage and has definitely progressed the past few years, he has rarely strung more than a few months of sobriety together and goes out on bingers for what used to be weeks is now months. In the past 2 years, he has spent a cumulative 2 months at home, only 10 days in 2017. He has the ability to be very charming and compassionate and he also a good looking guy. When he goes on bingers, he doesn't work or have anywhere to go so he hooks up with women. Usually its a woman who has the ability to buy him clothes, drive him around and is so thrilled at having his attention, buys him alcohol. I have lost track of how many times he has strayed in our marriage. These relationships seem to last for awhile, I guess until they realize they are being used and cut him off. he will come home, go to rehab and do ok for a little while, then go back out and call them and pretend he left me and wants to be with them.... I hae been sent a video of him cheating by one of the jilted women angry he wanted to come home. I don't know why I have made this acceptable in my life. Its like a knife every time, my hands go numb, my heart feels icy, its a horrible feeling. I honestly feel its his disease and don't think if he was truly sober and working a program he would be the kind of man to do this. I honestly believed he loved me but his disease kept him from being a husband and father. Lately, though, I'm feeling that maybe Im wrong and I am, in fact, just another "living situation" for him, for the times he feels guilty or decides he wants to be a family. I guess i want to know I'm not alone in this. Logically I know I'm not but I feel that way. AFter being on a binger for months he showed up on Easter and said he was willing to go rehab and asked me to hold off on filing for divorce. He was scheduled to get out yesterday but when I called in the morning, I found out he had already left...I have no idea where he is, who with or what he is doing. I usually don't but I let myself believe this would work because thats what I wanted. What are your experiences with infidelity? I'm so damn dysfunctional I spent yesterday texting one of the more recent women he has cheated with. She claims he is not with her and she hasn't seen him blah, blah, blah but she asks so many other questions that I get the feeling she is. She was so desperate the binger before last that she would pretend to be at work, while her kids were with her husband (yes husband), and driver around inner city with my husband hanging out with all the addicts and alcoholics. She bought him a new wardrobe (on her husbands credit card) and put him up in hotels and bought a brand new phone. i'm just shattered and am having trouble putting myself back together.
You are in the right place...I have been there, been exactly where you are, and I get it. I really do. The first thing I bolded and underlined above...that is exactly where you will get better...the question you asked...this is about YOU. Not him. YOU. Why has this become acceptable in my life? Find a sponsor and start doing the work right there. The second thing I bolded and highlighted...is about him. Stop focusing on him. This is about you. That statement -- are you making it true? Do you want it to be true? Is it your denial? Again, work with your sponsor right there on that.
You getting better, your recovery is working on why you are accepting unacceptable behavior. I'll tell you all the things I hear -- when you are sick and tired of being sick and tired, you'll stop and change. If you are tired of being a doormat, get up off the friggn' floor. Are you a victim or a volunteer. Now, I am not asking these questions so that you answer them -- but what I am pointing out is that this is about YOU. Focus on YOU and you will get better.
When my AW was cheating, regularly, I did all the work, on me, and arrived at a point where I was able to say -- "is this the way I want to live my life?" -- and for some, pain is the most motivating factor. When the pain of continuing to accept this behavior, when the pain of this becomes too much -- and is greater than the pain of taking action...then...you will take action and stop doing this. I didn't analyze her, ask why, and I certainly didn't make excuses to make the unacceptable acceptable. I refused to take a wrong, paint it, and try to make it sound or look right. I had to get better to realize...I DID NOT DESERVE THIS. And I didn't. So I didn't accept it. In the end, it was not the cheating that prompted me to take action. I also was able to get past the anger and resentment about the cheating. I let it go. I wished good things for her. I hoped she found peace and happiness and I had compassion for her.
Get to work. Talk to, meet with, listen, work, with your sponsor. Keep coming back.
Marie71 said
Apr 26, 2017
My exA had two affairs. The last one was the last straw. I'm going to be blunt here...I am not sure if you are being intimate with him at all, but if you are please realize the risks you are taking. When I realized the second affair happened, I came to the point where I said to myself 'he is not worth dying over if I get some horrible std.' There are diseases you can get without being intimate also. Mere contact with items you both share can cause transmission. You are worth more than that.
SerenityRUS said
Apr 26, 2017
Marie,
You bring up a very valid point and I concur about that .. I know many couples where one cheated and the other wound up with an STD because they one sig other was NOT honest.
I was lucky is all I can say thank GOD. These were things such as herpes and so on .. reality is if you don't respect and care for your body .. no one else will.
For me that was where my anger lay .. how dare he put my sexual health at risk and LIE about it .. granted he did what A's do .. it doesn't give him the right to be careless with me.
Part of self care is if you are being intimate with anyone who you believe or know to be sleeping with other people go to the Dr and get checked out it's a mind reliever.
Hugs S :)
el-cee said
Apr 26, 2017
I feel for you. This must be so damaging to your self esteem and self worth. You deserve so much more than this but unfortunately only you can work on believing it. Doesn't matter who tells you it's about you working on you that repairs and restores us. I suggest alanon meetings go and get yourself what I got along with thousands of others. Freedom from the insanity drama anxiety the whole lot.
Jerry F said
Apr 26, 2017
Aloha Tryingtoheal and welcome to the board. This is a recovery paradise for me because I can get most everything necessary to form and build my recovery based upon the Experience Strength and Hope of those who came before me. My early sponsor told me "if it worked for others...do it your self" and then it worked for me. There are so many solutions leading to a serene, happy, sane life in this program. It works when I work it and I work it daily. The way I used to live while this disease of insanity raged in my life for such a long time I came to understand was true insanity and I survive in it...that way until I thought the only way out was suicide. I was wrong and learned here that a successful suicide was not by ending my life and only ending how I lived my life...the outcomes are amazing!!! When my life changed I had no reason or care to end it...I had never lived in such sanity and happiness. Yes there was lying, cheating, theft, infidelity and more until it all ended in peace of mind, body, spirit and emotions that all died and left me with a life I would exchange for anything else. Did it take a long time?...It only takes one day at a time and the willingness to follow this program and earn the blessed consequences.
My former alcoholic/addict wife surrendered to the program of recovery and my higher power used her and her efforts to teach me humility...what an unexpected miracle and still it falls within the believe that if I keep coming back and keep working it as it is supposed to work my sanity and peace of mind will recover. Mahalo Al-Anon and mahalo HP. ((((hugs))))
Iamhere said
Apr 26, 2017
Trying2heal - I too send warm welcomes to you. I am so sorry for the pain you are experiencing. You are worthy and you are worth 'it' - the 'it' being recovery. For me, the program gave me all that I needed to deal and heal with the pain, anger, sadness, despair, hopelessness and more this disease brings. Nothing got me to a healing place until I actually surrendered that the disease is far more powerful than me or any other human being.
I learned that how I was treated was not about me, but rather about them. I learned that how I reacted to it was all about me and fixable. I learned that I deserve to be happy, healthy and whole - mind, heart, spirit and soul and that I had choices each day on how I could work on me to be my best self - no matter what others were/were not doing.
So glad that you found us and reached out. You are not alone and there is hope and help in recovery. Keep coming back!
My AH has been an alcoholic our entire marriage and has definitely progressed the past few years, he has rarely strung more than a few months of sobriety together and goes out on bingers for what used to be weeks is now months. In the past 2 years, he has spent a cumulative 2 months at home, only 10 days in 2017. He has the ability to be very charming and compassionate and he also a good looking guy. When he goes on bingers, he doesn't work or have anywhere to go so he hooks up with women. Usually its a woman who has the ability to buy him clothes, drive him around and is so thrilled at having his attention, buys him alcohol. I have lost track of how many times he has strayed in our marriage. These relationships seem to last for awhile, I guess until they realize they are being used and cut him off. he will come home, go to rehab and do ok for a little while, then go back out and call them and pretend he left me and wants to be with them.... I hae been sent a video of him cheating by one of the jilted women angry he wanted to come home. I don't know why I have made this acceptable in my life. Its like a knife every time, my hands go numb, my heart feels icy, its a horrible feeling. I honestly feel its his disease and don't think if he was truly sober and working a program he would be the kind of man to do this. I honestly believed he loved me but his disease kept him from being a husband and father. Lately, though, I'm feeling that maybe Im wrong and I am, in fact, just another "living situation" for him, for the times he feels guilty or decides he wants to be a family. I guess i want to know I'm not alone in this. Logically I know I'm not but I feel that way. AFter being on a binger for months he showed up on Easter and said he was willing to go rehab and asked me to hold off on filing for divorce. He was scheduled to get out yesterday but when I called in the morning, I found out he had already left...I have no idea where he is, who with or what he is doing. I usually don't but I let myself believe this would work because thats what I wanted. What are your experiences with infidelity? I'm so damn dysfunctional I spent yesterday texting one of the more recent women he has cheated with. She claims he is not with her and she hasn't seen him blah, blah, blah but she asks so many other questions that I get the feeling she is. She was so desperate the binger before last that she would pretend to be at work, while her kids were with her husband (yes husband), and driver around inner city with my husband hanging out with all the addicts and alcoholics. She bought him a new wardrobe (on her husbands credit card) and put him up in hotels and bought a brand new phone. i'm just shattered and am having trouble putting myself back together.
You have made one big, very important step (well done!) by reaching out to Alanon and even this forum. I am new to it , but posted once about a week ago and one of the service members did reach out and send me some comfort and gentle guidance by Sharing his story ( experience, strength,& hope). Even though the post was like three years old! When I read it last night I realized I need to be coming here more often, reading posts, and learning this language of hope, healing, and health offered so freely by Alanon champions who have gone before me.
Reading topics that apply to my situation , Finding out where I am Powerless then admitting I need help to stop 'managing': I can then use Alanon guidelines to name the dysfunction and focus on the solution (I am the problem:I am the solution); try believing God can restore me to sanity; then attempt to put His job out of my control and back Into to His hands where it belongs. ...this a measurable example that I can see for myself of my willingness to participate in my own healing. There is something about the love of alanon members that teaches me how my Higher Power can fill any void, and I mean any missing thing! He really can and really wants to! He does it again and again as I take and apply these ,siimple but not easy, steps! Your A is not capable of fulfilling the need you are really reaching for, but one day at a time in The Alanon Way, you will find these needs met above and beyond what you could have ever hoped or asked for.
Let me be the first to say to you in this place: Welcome Home to your real family, you are not alone anymore, and please for your own sake and ours too...keep coming back! (((((((Hugs))))))).
I really don't know what to say except to say I am glad you are here and hope you will attend face to face meetings to find support.
My XAH was both a binger as well as had affair/s one I did know for sure the others I speculate and it doesn't feel good.
What I have discovered in my own journey of the cheating and what he was doing, he needed his "feel" goods and it was centered around his ego. I had to remove myself to find my peace because while what he did was "wrong" for me I put myself through hell over that behavior and allowed it to dictate my self worth as well as my self esteem.
His cheating/drinking is not about you and while it feels incredibly personal it's really not .. it's not about what you were not .. it is about what he is .. and taking the focus off of why he does whatever is what helped me move past that issue and work on me.
He does what he does because he's an alcoholic .. it really doesn't matter because it only matters what you are going to do and I really hope it's going to get help for you and let him do him.
Hugs S :)
You are in the right place...I have been there, been exactly where you are, and I get it. I really do. The first thing I bolded and underlined above...that is exactly where you will get better...the question you asked...this is about YOU. Not him. YOU. Why has this become acceptable in my life? Find a sponsor and start doing the work right there. The second thing I bolded and highlighted...is about him. Stop focusing on him. This is about you. That statement -- are you making it true? Do you want it to be true? Is it your denial? Again, work with your sponsor right there on that.
You getting better, your recovery is working on why you are accepting unacceptable behavior. I'll tell you all the things I hear -- when you are sick and tired of being sick and tired, you'll stop and change. If you are tired of being a doormat, get up off the friggn' floor. Are you a victim or a volunteer. Now, I am not asking these questions so that you answer them -- but what I am pointing out is that this is about YOU. Focus on YOU and you will get better.
When my AW was cheating, regularly, I did all the work, on me, and arrived at a point where I was able to say -- "is this the way I want to live my life?" -- and for some, pain is the most motivating factor. When the pain of continuing to accept this behavior, when the pain of this becomes too much -- and is greater than the pain of taking action...then...you will take action and stop doing this. I didn't analyze her, ask why, and I certainly didn't make excuses to make the unacceptable acceptable. I refused to take a wrong, paint it, and try to make it sound or look right. I had to get better to realize...I DID NOT DESERVE THIS. And I didn't. So I didn't accept it. In the end, it was not the cheating that prompted me to take action. I also was able to get past the anger and resentment about the cheating. I let it go. I wished good things for her. I hoped she found peace and happiness and I had compassion for her.
Get to work. Talk to, meet with, listen, work, with your sponsor. Keep coming back.
You bring up a very valid point and I concur about that .. I know many couples where one cheated and the other wound up with an STD because they one sig other was NOT honest.
I was lucky is all I can say thank GOD. These were things such as herpes and so on .. reality is if you don't respect and care for your body .. no one else will.
For me that was where my anger lay .. how dare he put my sexual health at risk and LIE about it .. granted he did what A's do .. it doesn't give him the right to be careless with me.
Part of self care is if you are being intimate with anyone who you believe or know to be sleeping with other people go to the Dr and get checked out it's a mind reliever.
Hugs S :)
Aloha Tryingtoheal and welcome to the board. This is a recovery paradise for me because I can get most everything necessary to form and build my recovery based upon the Experience Strength and Hope of those who came before me. My early sponsor told me "if it worked for others...do it your self" and then it worked for me. There are so many solutions leading to a serene, happy, sane life in this program. It works when I work it and I work it daily. The way I used to live while this disease of insanity raged in my life for such a long time I came to understand was true insanity and I survive in it...that way until I thought the only way out was suicide. I was wrong and learned here that a successful suicide was not by ending my life and only ending how I lived my life...the outcomes are amazing!!! When my life changed I had no reason or care to end it...I had never lived in such sanity and happiness. Yes there was lying, cheating, theft, infidelity and more until it all ended in peace of mind, body, spirit and emotions that all died and left me with a life I would exchange for anything else. Did it take a long time?...It only takes one day at a time and the willingness to follow this program and earn the blessed consequences.
My former alcoholic/addict wife surrendered to the program of recovery and my higher power used her and her efforts to teach me humility...what an unexpected miracle and still it falls within the believe that if I keep coming back and keep working it as it is supposed to work my sanity and peace of mind will recover. Mahalo Al-Anon and mahalo HP. ((((hugs))))
I learned that how I was treated was not about me, but rather about them. I learned that how I reacted to it was all about me and fixable. I learned that I deserve to be happy, healthy and whole - mind, heart, spirit and soul and that I had choices each day on how I could work on me to be my best self - no matter what others were/were not doing.
So glad that you found us and reached out. You are not alone and there is hope and help in recovery. Keep coming back!