I posted in another thread that my AH had a panic attack last night, and while massaging his shoulders trying to calm him down, I saw the shape of a vodka bottle in his pocket. Long story short, i told him why bother lying about it, we all know what it is. Once I was sure that it was indeed a panic attack and not a PE, I told him that this cannot happen anymore. I can't control your drinking, but by gosh you will close yourself in the bedroom if you want to do this! I also said that I was taking my son and the dog and eating dinner at my parent's house. We did.
Fast forward to this morning... he sends a text saying he was sorry about last night. You know what? I didn't even acknowledge it. I felt it was an insult, b/c he is ALWAYS sorry. After some deep soul-searching, I felt that I could not live like this anymore. I decided I was going to suggest that perhaps we would both be better if we were separated... to work on ourselves. I also felt like I did not want to see him right away after work... I needed some space. So I texted him that I was going out with a friend for dinner, so please feed yourself. I also checked in with my son to make sure he was OK. Of course what should happen, but right before I order, my son texts me saying he thinks I should come home, b/c dad is acting like he can barely breathe. He was pretty scared b/c AH was moaning, crying and saying he could't catch his breath. So off I run home. Now, don't get me wrong... I told my son he did the right thing - but it actually ended up being another panic attack. Yes, he is in physical pain (abdominal/chest)... but he manages to work a full day. He only gets like this when he is home.
I asked him how much had he had to drink tonight? Nothing. In fact, that is why it hurts so bad, he said. WTH? He said that when he drinks he feels nothing... that is why he drinks. He is in such emotional pain over his father's death ( 3yrs ago), and he is in physical pain from an enlarged liver. I have done some research on end-stage alcoholism, and he may be close to that. But he won't see a doctor, and is too afraid to go to the ER or UC b/c he feels they will force him into the hospital. "What would happen to you and son if I am off work?" How would the rent be paid? All the bills?
He has point... we have no savings (thanks to a previous stint with Meth addiction), and I work a part-time, minimum wage job (that took me months to find). So I asked him if he felt that his feelings of protecting us were keeping him from getting healthy. "I guess so, but I don't know what to do" he said. "I tried detoxing on my own, that's why I don't have any vacation or sick time, but I just can't do it." "But if I try some form of treatment, then there won't be my income for you guys." I asked him about going to meetings, doing the steps... that is all free. But he feels he needs more than that... he feels he will fail. His entire family is low-income, so feels he cannot ask them for help. My family is not, but they have helped us out so many times that I don't want to ask them. Even though I am their child, and they would do anything for me and my son, it is not their merry-go-round! I flat out refuse to ask them for money to treat him. He then proceeds to tell me that without you and our son, I wouldn't even try anymore... I would probably kill myself. That is how low and sick I feel, he cries.
Great. What am I supposed to say to that. How can I ask for a separation now? I feel like sh*t for wanting to be free of him, while at the same time thinking that being separate to work on ourselves may be what he needs to finally get healthy... or maybe he would spiral downward and kill himself. I am confused, sad and mad... all at the same time! Has anyone here had a spouse threaten suicide?
Breathe. In. Out. Repeat.
My advice to anyone with an alcoholic BF or GF... RUN and don't look back... get out before a marriage contract makes it all but impossible to walk away...U deserve so much more than this!
-- Edited by PosiesandPuppies on Wednesday 26th of April 2017 03:08:54 AM
milkwood said
Apr 26, 2017
I can relate to this dilemma, I'm sorry that you are caught up in the craziness.
As I read your story it seemed quite frightening for both of you, and for your son as well.
The three 'C's come to mind - didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it. My husband used to complain about aches and pains and of course for quite some time I gave him sympathy and applied Ibuleve gel. So I guess it was worth complaining!! Eventually I said, 'this isn't right, will you go to the doctor?' I got the same response as you . So when it happened again I said 'I'm sorry it is still painful, I can't help you, but I'll run you to the doctors if you want?' After a couple of times of saying that, the complaining stopped!
Since my husband stopped drinking he has been treated for depression and anxiety and says that the meds have been helpful for him. He is certainly less anxiety provoking to be around! But in order to get to that point I did need to stop trying to help (rescue) and let him take responsibility for himself. I could see how frightening it was, and I did so want to help. But I didn't. It must have seemed confusing to see me change my habits. I found it a really difficult counter-intuitive thing to do, but it worked out for the better - for both of us!
Also, looking after myself and making my life enjoyable regardless of what AH was doing helped to take the pressure off his worries as well. It also took my mind of him and all the guilt I had for wanting him out of my life. Now I think that the 'get out of my life feeling' was actually my body trying to protect me from all the stress I was taking on. Gifting my focus to myself, to my needs, was all I could do - and I had lots of fun once I figured out that I was allowed to enjoy life!
SerenityRUS said
Apr 26, 2017
Hugs I'm so so sorry you are going through this. Milkwood is spot on with the Alanon slogans and so on. I can only share my experience with my xah. Yes .. Sounds like financially it would suck. Why don't you take a breath and take the time to do some research. Find out about income based housing and so on. There are actually some nice places. Find out what benefits you can receive. Just do some information digging. Food shelter and so on .. Its not like you have to move today either. At least it helped me to know what was it there. Your AH responses sound very close to my x panic attacks only he physically did the floppy chicken on the ground and wound up in the psych ward. You can't control hours sobriety or his job situation reality is he could lose his job tomorrow. That's just how it is .. His work should provider him with the ability to get help .. Meaning at least he would have a job when he came back. Big hugs .. Breathe .. And I hope you have a support team Alanon and so on. First thing first ..
Enigmatic said
Apr 26, 2017
Hi PnP...whenever I was going through a challenging time, I increased my meetings to as many as I could get to, also turned to my literature to read more by topic from the index in the back. This always helped reset my thinking, take my focus off my qualifier, and clear my head to make healthier decisions.
Thoughts and prayers as you find your way
Skorpi said
Apr 26, 2017
Hugs to you. I am sorry your experience is like this right now.
I can really relate to the panic and anxiety, my AW drank to calm down. Thought she couldn't eat if she didn't "take the edge off" first. Constantly thought she was having a stroke, etc.
She's been sober for almost 2 years now, and with proper medication and the lack of alcohol, her anxiety is more manageable, and she hasn't had any panic attacks lately. She also loves food and has no trouble eating.
What I needed to do was let her worry about her health and her drinking, and to carry on with my day with my focus on myself and my pups. "Would you like me to take you to the ER?" and "If you are worried about that, you should make an appointment with the doctor." became my 2 standard responses. She hates those sentences, but they do keep me sane. I still use the second sentence quite often.
Breathe. It does get better when we focus on ourselves and our program. My thoughts are with you.
Bettertomorrow said
Apr 26, 2017
I agree with Skorpi. My AH frequently says he would be better off dead and tells me he has asked his God to take him - and at the end of the day I don't know whether he is serious or saying something to try and control me - so it is really out of my control. I simply say if that's how you feel, you may wish to see a doctor to get help. He never does see the doctor. It would be so easy to get pulled into that worry instead of / aswell as the drinking - but we have to focus on ourselves. Hugs.
el-cee said
Apr 26, 2017
He sounds very sick and extremely manipulative. His disease wants and will do anything to keep from ending. All this sounds like he's upped a gear to keep you from leaving and him from getting help and he's pulled out the big emotional blackmail weapon to control you. The il kill myself is a disgusting control tactic. Your message at the bottom should be what your telling yourself. Look deep for your motives here. Look for any ego massaging for yourself and I hope you don't take this as an insult but could you be getting something out of being this very special person the whole martyr thing kept me trapped for a very long thing. Dive into this program look for the truth it sets us free of all this nonsense.
Iamhere said
Apr 26, 2017
I can relate......so, so much - except when I was ready to 'check out' of my marriage, my AH had 1 heart attack and then another heart attack and then triple bypass surgery. While none of these were my fault nor my concern, he is the man I chose to marry and he is the father of my children and when I prayed/meditated about it, I clearly heard this is not the right time....
As Paul suggests, I doubled/tripled my meetings. I threw myself into recovery - just to keep from wanting to slap the sh!t out of him daily. Over time, my sanity returned, and my heart opened. I was able to forgive and have compassion for what he's going through. We do NOT have a perfect love story, a perfect marriage or anything remotely like what I projected when we met and fell in love. Yet, we have mutual respect, common understandings, some laughs and a great partnership for life, bills, housework, etc.
I believe that everything that happens happens as it should - good, bad, indifferent. When abrupt situations interrupt my life plans, I am one who believes the slogan --- When in doubt, don't. I spent a lifetime making emotional decisions that rarely ended in a good/better outcome. The program has given me patience and grace in dealing with life on life's terms and any choice I am considering doesn't have to be made immediately.
Our meeting today was on choices. Both of my sons are currently on the crazy train. It's he!! to watch, witness and realize how utterly powerless I am. Yet, it's also bringing me closer to my HP as I know deep down that is the only place of peace and comfort when insanity is spinning all around me. I am choosing today to just keep focusing on me as best I can, and praying for them. Anything else I consider just doesn't feel right (yet). I have never been left alone when I've asked for guidance from above. Rarely do my answers come when I want/expect them, yet they do show themselves in time.
(((Hugs))) - my state does have treatment for low income/indigent folks. My son is currently in county jail and is actually getting a PR bond tomorrow and headed to the Salvation Army treatment center for 30 days. We have chosen to NOT fund any other treatment centers. He's been in the county jail since 4/2 because he spent all his earnings, savings, etc. on 'the life' and then got arrested for a misdemeanor. I had already suggested we would not bail him out should he land in jail. (Boundary) He of course did not believe us because he's called hundreds of times in the last 21 days...
So - he's found help without my involvement, my doing for him and it's not easy to chase help/treatment when one is in jail. I did put money on his commissary, yet limited what I was willing to 'loan him'. I am doing different in the hopes of a different outcome. Nothing changes if nothing changes...
Anxiety attacks are extremely frightening. I've had them in the past and it does mimic a heart attack in some respects. I have never had one at work - only at home. Home has always been more stressful (disease I'm sure) than work and/or the stress from work did not manifest until I got home. They do pass but for the person having one, the anxiety attack produces even more anxiety which feeds the situation. Knowing what it is and that it will pass does help 'deal' with them. I've not had any in a long while but I can share that it's way more frightening than one can imagine.
One day at a time - we keep moving forward....take care of you while you process - sending positive thoughts and prayers your way...
shrnp said
Apr 27, 2017
I am sorry you are going through this. My ex-bf has cirrhosis of the liver. It is shame you cannot get your husband to the doctors. They can do blood test to see how his liver is functioning. I stopped helping my ex-bf because he is an adult. His doctors office is less than two miles from his house. He was always sick at night because he did not want to miss out on having a drink during the day. I finally told him when he got sick at night to call the ambulance. I have even seen him waiting for the ambulance and mixing a drink for himself.
Anyhow, he has advanced liver disease. You said you had researched it. I will tell you a little about my ex-bf's health. When he first became very sick, he was vomiting a lot. He was hospitalized because of malnutrition. He became jaundice and you could see that his skin was turning yellow. There was a lot of fluid backing up in his stomach, this is not mild, it can get larger than a pregnant woman. The first time it happened he had to go to the hospital and have it drained. Now, he takes fluid pills and it seems to be under control. When there is a lot of fluid it can press on the lungs and make it hard to breath. That happened to him when he was first very sick. He has stopped drinking and things are a little better, but he gets very tired and his stomach hurts a lot. I don't know if this give you a little bit of information on advance liver disease. I tried to find information on the Internet and it was not very promising. I hope things get better.
PosiesandPuppies said
Apr 27, 2017
Thank you everyone for your ESH. Mostly your strength to share your stories.
el-cee - no worries about insulting me... I know this sight is about honesty with yourself. But believe me, I have wanted to give up the mantel of the one "in charge," for oh so long. But as everyone on this site knows, when you live with an addicted person, someone needs to be the responsible party... and it is NEVER them.
I have made a point in the last month of telling my AH "I am sorry that you are hurting and that I can't help you." Sometimes I add, "Can I take you to UC or ER?" That is one way that I see myself healing with Al-anon. Before I would just completely igonre him. Now I at least sound loving. LOL!
My main concern was that he made sure to mention that without myself and my DS, he would kill himself. Has anyone dealt with that kind of posturing? I mean, is it real? For now, I am living one day at a time, and employing "Acting as if." At least it has kept me going.
Again, thank you everyone who either has replied, or wrote their own post(s)...I am learning from you!
hotrod said
Apr 27, 2017
If you are concerned about him taking his own life, you can call 911 and they can have him admitted to the hospital for a 72 hour hold . There the professionals can evaluate the situation. I have called a few times myself.
shrnp said
Apr 27, 2017
It is common for alcoholics to say they will kill themselves in order to keep someone they love with them. My A ex-bf had tried to overdose more than once in the past. So, if I knew he did not have any pills I felt a lot safer. What Betty said is true, they can do a temporary detention order (TDO) and bring them to a hospital for further evaluation. They never have had to take him to the hospital. After, I had sent the police to my ex-bf's house a couple times, he would stop saying those things. That was one way to tell if he was serious or just saying that to get my attention.
SerenityRUS said
Apr 27, 2017
Hugs,
One way to stop posturing of that nature and in the moment he may really believe it, pick up the phone and call. In my case I found it was a different form of control, that was hind sight. I called for well checks and so on because of things that happened during a very bad visitation with the kids. After that he was not around the kids for more than a couple of hours .. actually he couldn't take more than a couple of hours.
You can ask for a well check IF you and your daughter were to leave and that would get the ball rolling .. I'm going to tell you picking up the phone and calling 911 or for a well check can set off a whole other list of things. There were some positives for that in my case however there were negatives as well.
At this point my XAH will not speak to me because "I made everything worse." So I really suggest you pause, pray and then proceed. You do what is in your best interests if that means calling 911 .. then call 911.
My concerns are this .. YOUR and YOUR DAUGHTER'S safety. My core belief is people with nothing left to lose are the people who are truly to be aware of, these are the situations that can turn into Dateline stories. I'm not trying to be dramatic .. however .. true story .. those are the people who think they have no options that do the stupidest things. So please DO remove yourself from that situation UNTIL he gets the help he needs IF you call 911.
Not all situations go south .. however why take the risk and have the drama and trauma.
Take what you like .. I just ugh .. these are the situations that are scary to me.
Hugs, S :)
Jazzie18 said
Apr 27, 2017
I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I can relate too as my husband when he was active did threaten to end it all. It is hard to tell with an A if they really meant it or if it is just a way to manipulate you to stay. The first time I left with my kids my husband called the suicide hotline as he was so depressed about his situation. The second time he went on a bender I threw him out of the house and he was staying at a hotel. He doesn't remember the conversation but he eluded to that if he had a gun it would be all over for him. Thank god I was going to meetings and had a support system. I talk to one my friends in Al-anon and they said that I couldn't ignore this. I called the police and had them do a wellness check and they brought him to the hospital for an overnight stay. I was horrified and relieved at the same time. At least I knew he was safe and getting the care that he needed. They checked him over and dismissed him the next day. It didn't stop him drinking right then but it was another low that he reached before he finally found his bottom. At the time I thought it was the worst thing ever but once I stepped away and just let him live his life and with his own consequences it really helped him finally get into recovery.
Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way.
Junenine said
Apr 28, 2017
(((PosiesandPuppies))) so very sorry you're in this position. i can relate. in my partner's case, he wound up on medicaid and did detox and rehab that was covered. he wasn't working. are you attending meetings? i hope so because people there are very familiar with this phenomenon... all of it. and yes, i've been on the receiving end of suicide threats also. the worst. lately i've shifted into seeing them more as manipulation than real. of course, we never know for sure. but i have told my partner that i will not be held hostage to such stuff. but it's the hardest thing. my ABF also tried to detox various times on his own and just couldn't do it. plus, it's really not safe, so far as i understand. so it sounds to me like medical help and hospitalization could be what he needs, assuming he's ready. plus depending on his work maybe there's an EAP program that provides help with addiction treatment... short term disability and such? my partner detoxed with two outpatient programs but had no followup so they didn't work. i think me getting pushed to my limits is part of what pushed him toward rehab and sobriety. we are still in a tangle but things are better.... i can say that when i started hitting my own "bottom" i increased meetings and readings and am trying more sincerely to place the focus on myself. i know it seems backwards when your partner is in such dire straits. but it's good for you and in my case, all my focus and effort in his direction really didn't help him anyway. it's so bizarre when love and support = enabling and continuance of problems instead of alleviating them. it's like a fun-house mirror relationship. without the fun
should it continue, i think 911 is your friend. one day at a time. hugs to you.
I posted in another thread that my AH had a panic attack last night, and while massaging his shoulders trying to calm him down, I saw the shape of a vodka bottle in his pocket. Long story short, i told him why bother lying about it, we all know what it is. Once I was sure that it was indeed a panic attack and not a PE, I told him that this cannot happen anymore. I can't control your drinking, but by gosh you will close yourself in the bedroom if you want to do this! I also said that I was taking my son and the dog and eating dinner at my parent's house. We did.
Fast forward to this morning... he sends a text saying he was sorry about last night. You know what? I didn't even acknowledge it. I felt it was an insult, b/c he is ALWAYS sorry. After some deep soul-searching, I felt that I could not live like this anymore. I decided I was going to suggest that perhaps we would both be better if we were separated... to work on ourselves. I also felt like I did not want to see him right away after work... I needed some space. So I texted him that I was going out with a friend for dinner, so please feed yourself. I also checked in with my son to make sure he was OK. Of course what should happen, but right before I order, my son texts me saying he thinks I should come home, b/c dad is acting like he can barely breathe. He was pretty scared b/c AH was moaning, crying and saying he could't catch his breath. So off I run home. Now, don't get me wrong... I told my son he did the right thing - but it actually ended up being another panic attack. Yes, he is in physical pain (abdominal/chest)... but he manages to work a full day. He only gets like this when he is home.
I asked him how much had he had to drink tonight? Nothing. In fact, that is why it hurts so bad, he said. WTH? He said that when he drinks he feels nothing... that is why he drinks. He is in such emotional pain over his father's death ( 3yrs ago), and he is in physical pain from an enlarged liver. I have done some research on end-stage alcoholism, and he may be close to that. But he won't see a doctor, and is too afraid to go to the ER or UC b/c he feels they will force him into the hospital. "What would happen to you and son if I am off work?" How would the rent be paid? All the bills?
He has point... we have no savings (thanks to a previous stint with Meth addiction), and I work a part-time, minimum wage job (that took me months to find). So I asked him if he felt that his feelings of protecting us were keeping him from getting healthy. "I guess so, but I don't know what to do" he said. "I tried detoxing on my own, that's why I don't have any vacation or sick time, but I just can't do it." "But if I try some form of treatment, then there won't be my income for you guys." I asked him about going to meetings, doing the steps... that is all free. But he feels he needs more than that... he feels he will fail. His entire family is low-income, so feels he cannot ask them for help. My family is not, but they have helped us out so many times that I don't want to ask them. Even though I am their child, and they would do anything for me and my son, it is not their merry-go-round! I flat out refuse to ask them for money to treat him. He then proceeds to tell me that without you and our son, I wouldn't even try anymore... I would probably kill myself. That is how low and sick I feel, he cries.
Great. What am I supposed to say to that. How can I ask for a separation now? I feel like sh*t for wanting to be free of him, while at the same time thinking that being separate to work on ourselves may be what he needs to finally get healthy... or maybe he would spiral downward and kill himself. I am confused, sad and mad... all at the same time! Has anyone here had a spouse threaten suicide?
Breathe. In. Out. Repeat.
My advice to anyone with an alcoholic BF or GF... RUN and don't look back... get out before a marriage contract makes it all but impossible to walk away...U deserve so much more than this!
-- Edited by PosiesandPuppies on Wednesday 26th of April 2017 03:08:54 AM
As I read your story it seemed quite frightening for both of you, and for your son as well.
The three 'C's come to mind - didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it. My husband used to complain about aches and pains and of course for quite some time I gave him sympathy and applied Ibuleve gel. So I guess it was worth complaining!! Eventually I said, 'this isn't right, will you go to the doctor?' I got the same response as you
Since my husband stopped drinking he has been treated for depression and anxiety and says that the meds have been helpful for him. He is certainly less anxiety provoking to be around! But in order to get to that point I did need to stop trying to help (rescue) and let him take responsibility for himself. I could see how frightening it was, and I did so want to help. But I didn't. It must have seemed confusing to see me change my habits. I found it a really difficult counter-intuitive thing to do, but it worked out for the better - for both of us!
Also, looking after myself and making my life enjoyable regardless of what AH was doing helped to take the pressure off his worries as well. It also took my mind of him and all the guilt I had for wanting him out of my life. Now I think that the 'get out of my life feeling' was actually my body trying to protect me from all the stress I was taking on. Gifting my focus to myself, to my needs, was all I could do - and I had lots of fun once I figured out that I was allowed to enjoy life!
Thoughts and prayers as you find your way
I can really relate to the panic and anxiety, my AW drank to calm down. Thought she couldn't eat if she didn't "take the edge off" first. Constantly thought she was having a stroke, etc.
She's been sober for almost 2 years now, and with proper medication and the lack of alcohol, her anxiety is more manageable, and she hasn't had any panic attacks lately. She also loves food and has no trouble eating.
What I needed to do was let her worry about her health and her drinking, and to carry on with my day with my focus on myself and my pups. "Would you like me to take you to the ER?" and "If you are worried about that, you should make an appointment with the doctor." became my 2 standard responses. She hates those sentences, but they do keep me sane. I still use the second sentence quite often.
Breathe. It does get better when we focus on ourselves and our program. My thoughts are with you.
I agree with Skorpi. My AH frequently says he would be better off dead and tells me he has asked his God to take him - and at the end of the day I don't know whether he is serious or saying something to try and control me - so it is really out of my control. I simply say if that's how you feel, you may wish to see a doctor to get help. He never does see the doctor. It would be so easy to get pulled into that worry instead of / aswell as the drinking - but we have to focus on ourselves. Hugs.
As Paul suggests, I doubled/tripled my meetings. I threw myself into recovery - just to keep from wanting to slap the sh!t out of him daily. Over time, my sanity returned, and my heart opened. I was able to forgive and have compassion for what he's going through. We do NOT have a perfect love story, a perfect marriage or anything remotely like what I projected when we met and fell in love. Yet, we have mutual respect, common understandings, some laughs and a great partnership for life, bills, housework, etc.
I believe that everything that happens happens as it should - good, bad, indifferent. When abrupt situations interrupt my life plans, I am one who believes the slogan --- When in doubt, don't. I spent a lifetime making emotional decisions that rarely ended in a good/better outcome. The program has given me patience and grace in dealing with life on life's terms and any choice I am considering doesn't have to be made immediately.
Our meeting today was on choices. Both of my sons are currently on the crazy train. It's he!! to watch, witness and realize how utterly powerless I am. Yet, it's also bringing me closer to my HP as I know deep down that is the only place of peace and comfort when insanity is spinning all around me. I am choosing today to just keep focusing on me as best I can, and praying for them. Anything else I consider just doesn't feel right (yet). I have never been left alone when I've asked for guidance from above. Rarely do my answers come when I want/expect them, yet they do show themselves in time.
(((Hugs))) - my state does have treatment for low income/indigent folks. My son is currently in county jail and is actually getting a PR bond tomorrow and headed to the Salvation Army treatment center for 30 days. We have chosen to NOT fund any other treatment centers. He's been in the county jail since 4/2 because he spent all his earnings, savings, etc. on 'the life' and then got arrested for a misdemeanor. I had already suggested we would not bail him out should he land in jail. (Boundary) He of course did not believe us because he's called hundreds of times in the last 21 days...
So - he's found help without my involvement, my doing for him and it's not easy to chase help/treatment when one is in jail. I did put money on his commissary, yet limited what I was willing to 'loan him'. I am doing different in the hopes of a different outcome. Nothing changes if nothing changes...
Anxiety attacks are extremely frightening. I've had them in the past and it does mimic a heart attack in some respects. I have never had one at work - only at home. Home has always been more stressful (disease I'm sure) than work and/or the stress from work did not manifest until I got home. They do pass but for the person having one, the anxiety attack produces even more anxiety which feeds the situation. Knowing what it is and that it will pass does help 'deal' with them. I've not had any in a long while but I can share that it's way more frightening than one can imagine.
One day at a time - we keep moving forward....take care of you while you process - sending positive thoughts and prayers your way...
Anyhow, he has advanced liver disease. You said you had researched it. I will tell you a little about my ex-bf's health. When he first became very sick, he was vomiting a lot. He was hospitalized because of malnutrition. He became jaundice and you could see that his skin was turning yellow. There was a lot of fluid backing up in his stomach, this is not mild, it can get larger than a pregnant woman. The first time it happened he had to go to the hospital and have it drained. Now, he takes fluid pills and it seems to be under control. When there is a lot of fluid it can press on the lungs and make it hard to breath. That happened to him when he was first very sick. He has stopped drinking and things are a little better, but he gets very tired and his stomach hurts a lot. I don't know if this give you a little bit of information on advance liver disease. I tried to find information on the Internet and it was not very promising. I hope things get better.
el-cee - no worries about insulting me... I know this sight is about honesty with yourself. But believe me, I have wanted to give up the mantel of the one "in charge," for oh so long. But as everyone on this site knows, when you live with an addicted person, someone needs to be the responsible party... and it is NEVER them.
I have made a point in the last month of telling my AH "I am sorry that you are hurting and that I can't help you." Sometimes I add, "Can I take you to UC or ER?" That is one way that I see myself healing with Al-anon. Before I would just completely igonre him. Now I at least sound loving. LOL!
My main concern was that he made sure to mention that without myself and my DS, he would kill himself. Has anyone dealt with that kind of posturing? I mean, is it real? For now, I am living one day at a time, and employing "Acting as if." At least it has kept me going.
Again, thank you everyone who either has replied, or wrote their own post(s)...I am learning from you!
One way to stop posturing of that nature and in the moment he may really believe it, pick up the phone and call. In my case I found it was a different form of control, that was hind sight. I called for well checks and so on because of things that happened during a very bad visitation with the kids. After that he was not around the kids for more than a couple of hours .. actually he couldn't take more than a couple of hours.
You can ask for a well check IF you and your daughter were to leave and that would get the ball rolling .. I'm going to tell you picking up the phone and calling 911 or for a well check can set off a whole other list of things. There were some positives for that in my case however there were negatives as well.
At this point my XAH will not speak to me because "I made everything worse." So I really suggest you pause, pray and then proceed. You do what is in your best interests if that means calling 911 .. then call 911.
My concerns are this .. YOUR and YOUR DAUGHTER'S safety. My core belief is people with nothing left to lose are the people who are truly to be aware of, these are the situations that can turn into Dateline stories. I'm not trying to be dramatic .. however .. true story .. those are the people who think they have no options that do the stupidest things. So please DO remove yourself from that situation UNTIL he gets the help he needs IF you call 911.
Not all situations go south .. however why take the risk and have the drama and trauma.
Take what you like .. I just ugh .. these are the situations that are scary to me.
Hugs, S :)
Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way.
(((PosiesandPuppies))) so very sorry you're in this position. i can relate. in my partner's case, he wound up on medicaid and did detox and rehab that was covered. he wasn't working. are you attending meetings? i hope so because people there are very familiar with this phenomenon... all of it. and yes, i've been on the receiving end of suicide threats also. the worst. lately i've shifted into seeing them more as manipulation than real. of course, we never know for sure. but i have told my partner that i will not be held hostage to such stuff. but it's the hardest thing. my ABF also tried to detox various times on his own and just couldn't do it. plus, it's really not safe, so far as i understand. so it sounds to me like medical help and hospitalization could be what he needs, assuming he's ready. plus depending on his work maybe there's an EAP program that provides help with addiction treatment... short term disability and such? my partner detoxed with two outpatient programs but had no followup so they didn't work. i think me getting pushed to my limits is part of what pushed him toward rehab and sobriety. we are still in a tangle but things are better.... i can say that when i started hitting my own "bottom" i increased meetings and readings and am trying more sincerely to place the focus on myself. i know it seems backwards when your partner is in such dire straits. but it's good for you and in my case, all my focus and effort in his direction really didn't help him anyway. it's so bizarre when love and support = enabling and continuance of problems instead of alleviating them. it's like a fun-house mirror relationship. without the fun
should it continue, i think 911 is your friend. one day at a time. hugs to you.