New to this, I don't want my daughters to become alcoholics, here I am...
mamaboo2 said
Apr 25, 2017
Well at long last, here I am! I have been married to an alcoholic for 20 years. He was an alcoholic when I met him in College but just thought it was how all college guys were and assumed he would grow out of ir. Iguess my eyes were really opened about 10 years into our marriage. Finally noticing the hidden bottles, the financial issues growing larger and more out of ccontrol. the arguing and resentmentments becoming the everyday norm. and then we had another baby, our second child. i tried to seek help from his parents. his older brother has been in AA for decades and practically viewed as a saint by the family. i was told that they didnt want to hear about it. so again I bottled it up. so many incidents, so much time passing that it all becomes a blur. about two years ago they finally saw, they finally believed after a dui and having to help financially. it didnt change anything! he walked out on us last year, left us flat broke. stayed with his parents for awhile, then got himself an apartment, a new car and created more debt. then decided he didn't like being alone and came home " as his new year's resolution". Nearly 4 weeks ago he text that he loved me, then called from a strange phone and left a message that he was at walmart, then hours later I found out he was arrested..he was bailed out by his family on our daughter's birthday. they took him home with them, he has been there ever since. He says he goes to meetings and is peaceful without the chaos of family life and responsibilities. he does not call his children. His parents do not call to check on their grandchildren. I worry about if he is going to pay the bills to keep our household going and our children fed. none of this seems to matter to him. Today he sent several nasty texts, mostly pointing out that our family is sick and he will not speak to us until we go to al-anon. somehow 20 yrs of HIS ALCOHOL AND DRUG ABUSE landed on the shoulders of me and our two young daughters! my girls have suffered enough and reading info i find out alcoholism is hereditary too... i am so broken. i never wanted anything like this.
SerenityRUS said
Apr 25, 2017
Hugs,
Welcome, I hope you will find a local alanon meeting and get yourself some support. This is incredibly isolating disease, .. it's confusing and all of that.
Whatever he is or isn't doing honestly doesn't matter .. by putting the focus on you and your kids it will help carve out what YOU want instead of everything being about what HE wants.
You girls may be predisposition for addiction .. you don't know what their life lessons are where they will be in a year let alone 5 years down the road so worrying about what "might" happen is a fruitless waste of emotional energy. From the sounds of it you need all of your own energy to figure out the next right thing to do for YOU .. meetings, sponsorship, lit and working the steps really makes a hugs difference.
Hugs S :)
shrnp said
Apr 25, 2017
Welcome to Miracles in Progress mama, you are not alone. Many of us come to Alanon as a last straw after years of living with alcoholism. We cannot change the alcoholic in our lives but we can change ourselves. By using the Alanon program we learn new ways of thinking that help us to have a better understanding of the effects of the disease. We learn to have hope, that our tomorrows will be better than our yesterdays. Alcoholism is progressive, it only gets worse overtime. Legal problems are not uncommon and tend to go along with health and financial problems. I am sure you have set a good example for your daughters. Not all children of alcoholics become alcoholics themselves. Have you tried to find any face to face meetings in your area? You can get a sponsor. Plus, there is a lot of literature. Alanon uses a twelve step program. If you cannot get to a face to face meeting right away there are online meetings here every day and night at 9 am and 9 pm. I am glad you are here, and I hope you come back.
a4l said
Apr 25, 2017
How utterly horrifying for you, my female mother self jumps up and down in sisterly outrage for you before calming down to say, welcome.
I am a member of both programs, though I can assure you I would never have made it to AA had I not experienced the women in Alanon and their truth and love first. Here I found understanding based on shared experience, I couldn't remain stuck in my terminal uniqueness because we had all faced similar difficulties! But mostly it was and is the understanding and new ways of being and becoming a happier, saner, wiser person that keeps me in this program of recovery. AA for me is about pulling out my ego, slowing down my impulses, and never forgetting where I'll end up should I try to become a successful drinker.
There's heaps about your post that will be familiar to members here, men and women. This idea of I don't have to be responsible, and this family enabling are common. There are online meetings here, there great, but a good face to face is like a ten fold potency of that same essence, so if you can check some out in your area, I'd strongly reccomend it. Alanon is where the remembering of you the person begins, not just you the crisis carer of the chaos that is alcoholism. Keep coming back. You are not alone.
Well at long last, here I am! I have been married to an alcoholic for 20 years. He was an alcoholic when I met him in College but just thought it was how all college guys were and assumed he would grow out of ir. Iguess my eyes were really opened about 10 years into our marriage. Finally noticing the hidden bottles, the financial issues growing larger and more out of ccontrol. the arguing and resentmentments becoming the everyday norm. and then we had another baby, our second child. i tried to seek help from his parents. his older brother has been in AA for decades and practically viewed as a saint by the family. i was told that they didnt want to hear about it. so again I bottled it up. so many incidents, so much time passing that it all becomes a blur. about two years ago they finally saw, they finally believed after a dui and having to help financially. it didnt change anything! he walked out on us last year, left us flat broke. stayed with his parents for awhile, then got himself an apartment, a new car and created more debt. then decided he didn't like being alone and came home " as his new year's resolution". Nearly 4 weeks ago he text that he loved me, then called from a strange phone and left a message that he was at walmart, then hours later I found out he was arrested..he was bailed out by his family on our daughter's birthday. they took him home with them, he has been there ever since. He says he goes to meetings and is peaceful without the chaos of family life and responsibilities. he does not call his children. His parents do not call to check on their grandchildren. I worry about if he is going to pay the bills to keep our household going and our children fed. none of this seems to matter to him. Today he sent several nasty texts, mostly pointing out that our family is sick and he will not speak to us until we go to al-anon. somehow 20 yrs of HIS ALCOHOL AND DRUG ABUSE landed on the shoulders of me and our two young daughters! my girls have suffered enough and reading info i find out alcoholism is hereditary too... i am so broken. i never wanted anything like this.
Welcome, I hope you will find a local alanon meeting and get yourself some support. This is incredibly isolating disease, .. it's confusing and all of that.
Whatever he is or isn't doing honestly doesn't matter .. by putting the focus on you and your kids it will help carve out what YOU want instead of everything being about what HE wants.
You girls may be predisposition for addiction .. you don't know what their life lessons are where they will be in a year let alone 5 years down the road so worrying about what "might" happen is a fruitless waste of emotional energy. From the sounds of it you need all of your own energy to figure out the next right thing to do for YOU .. meetings, sponsorship, lit and working the steps really makes a hugs difference.
Hugs S :)