I asked my AH to leave 2 years ago after he became very ill - delusional, paranoid, aggressive. He's since spent a year at rehab and now lives alone in a flat near to me and the children spend every weekend with him. They know they don't have to go if they don't want to but would actually rather be with their dad than with me!! My 11 year olds anxiety is through the roof! This presents as defiance, rudeness and aggression. I try to stay amicable with his dad (we're separated) but he is rude and difficult and has no respect for himself or anyone else. My son copies him completely and is getting into so much trouble at school on a daily basis. School don't seem to be that interested in helping him, only punishing him which makes him worse. Anyone else been in this situation? I can't afford private counselling for him and don't know what to do.
SerenityRUS said
Apr 25, 2017
Hugs Kate .. Welcome .. My oldest suffers with anxiety .. It's said that anger/fear is about the past and anxiety is about the future/unknown. We did counseling and flat broke doesn't cut it (I mean I was beyond broke trying to survive). Are there free social services in your area?? Sometimes that offers relief not just for you for your kid as well. I'm so glad my girl has that option especially when she struggles her dad is out of the picture totally at this point. My youngest .. He is more like me and that scares me a great deal. Lol. If there is Alateen in your area that can help as well .. I did not have that option at the time. Hugs s :) keep coming back. Just an fyi your sons behavior considering the circumstances is completely rational .. The instability he feels is mirrored in the behavior. What are you doing to find relief .. As I got better it helped my kids as well .. It wasn't about leaving it was so much more for me to work through.
-- Edited by SerenityRUS on Tuesday 25th of April 2017 09:00:16 AM
hotrod said
Apr 25, 2017
Hi Kate Welcome I do understand and have been there. As you have observed alcoholism affects the entire family and for this reason alanon was founded. Alanon offers face to face meetings in most communities and i suggest that you check for the meeting schedule (in the white pages) and attend. Since alcoholism affects the entire family (as you have noted) alateen meetings are also available and i believe your son would benefit greatly by attending. Keep coming back here as there is help and hope
Iamhere said
Apr 25, 2017
I send warm welcome to you also Kate. I am not too sure I have any ESH for this subject - family dynamics are difficult w/o this disease....they are even more complicated with it. What I can share is I wish I had found Al-Anon sooner as it has truly helped me and how I view others in my family unit.
Betty is spot on - this disease is a family disease and almost every family member is affected in one way or another. No matter how much 'we' try to protect children, they see, hear, absorb, channel, etc. everything that is going on around them. I certainly would suggest researching any available support in your community as well as seeking support through Al-anon.
Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!
Freetime said
Apr 25, 2017
Kate, I have been there, with the anxiety of/for the children, and their behavior as a result of the home situation. My experience, too, was that the school could not / would not help ... I had to seek resources on my own. I came to realize that their academic performance was no where near as important as their mental health. There were some no-cost mental health options for young children in my area at the time, so maybe research would turn up something to help.
The one thing I wish I had done more of was listen to my children ... of course I couldn't do that very well when I was so anxious myself. Looking back, I think the answer would have been self-care for me and listening to the children with full acceptance of their feelings ... kind of like the "no crosstalk" practice in Al-Anon meetings. I did some of that, but VERY imperfectly.
The good news is, now they are adults, my children are doing well ... and my letting go of unimportant things, like judgment and forcing solutions, was helpful in that.
Put on your own oxygen mask first ... breathe ... try to find some Alanon meetings ... keep coming back here ... and things will get better.
kate39 said
Apr 26, 2017
Thank you all so much for your replies it helps just to know that I'm not alone! I may have found some free counselling in my area which would be great! I think my eldest is only just old enough for alateen and my youngest isn't. I'm pretty certain I wouldn't be able to get him to go though!! Thanks for your support everyone x
Jerry F said
Apr 26, 2017
I have sponsored Alateen meetings in the past and the meetings were/are amazing even for this adult crazy person. Since Alateen and Al-Anon are both "Family" programs the teens can and will benefit from Al-Anon while adhering to behavior protocols. Trust God....Clean House....Help Others. ((((hugs))))
I asked my AH to leave 2 years ago after he became very ill - delusional, paranoid, aggressive. He's since spent a year at rehab and now lives alone in a flat near to me and the children spend every weekend with him. They know they don't have to go if they don't want to but would actually rather be with their dad than with me!! My 11 year olds anxiety is through the roof! This presents as defiance, rudeness and aggression. I try to stay amicable with his dad (we're separated) but he is rude and difficult and has no respect for himself or anyone else. My son copies him completely and is getting into so much trouble at school on a daily basis. School don't seem to be that interested in helping him, only punishing him which makes him worse. Anyone else been in this situation? I can't afford private counselling for him and don't know what to do.
Hugs Kate .. Welcome .. My oldest suffers with anxiety .. It's said that anger/fear is about the past and anxiety is about the future/unknown. We did counseling and flat broke doesn't cut it (I mean I was beyond broke trying to survive). Are there free social services in your area?? Sometimes that offers relief not just for you for your kid as well. I'm so glad my girl has that option especially when she struggles her dad is out of the picture totally at this point. My youngest .. He is more like me and that scares me a great deal. Lol. If there is Alateen in your area that can help as well .. I did not have that option at the time. Hugs s :) keep coming back. Just an fyi your sons behavior considering the circumstances is completely rational .. The instability he feels is mirrored in the behavior. What are you doing to find relief .. As I got better it helped my kids as well .. It wasn't about leaving it was so much more for me to work through.
-- Edited by SerenityRUS on Tuesday 25th of April 2017 09:00:16 AM
Hi Kate Welcome I do understand and have been there. As you have observed alcoholism affects the entire family and for this reason alanon was founded. Alanon offers face to face meetings in most communities and i suggest that you check for the meeting schedule (in the white pages) and attend.
Since alcoholism affects the entire family (as you have noted) alateen meetings are also available and i believe your son would benefit greatly by attending.
Keep coming back here as there is help and hope
Betty is spot on - this disease is a family disease and almost every family member is affected in one way or another. No matter how much 'we' try to protect children, they see, hear, absorb, channel, etc. everything that is going on around them. I certainly would suggest researching any available support in your community as well as seeking support through Al-anon.
Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!
The one thing I wish I had done more of was listen to my children ... of course I couldn't do that very well when I was so anxious myself. Looking back, I think the answer would have been self-care for me and listening to the children with full acceptance of their feelings ... kind of like the "no crosstalk" practice in Al-Anon meetings. I did some of that, but VERY imperfectly.
The good news is, now they are adults, my children are doing well ... and my letting go of unimportant things, like judgment and forcing solutions, was helpful in that.
Put on your own oxygen mask first ... breathe ... try to find some Alanon meetings ... keep coming back here ... and things will get better.
I have sponsored Alateen meetings in the past and the meetings were/are amazing even for this adult crazy person. Since Alateen and Al-Anon are both "Family" programs the teens can and will benefit from Al-Anon while adhering to behavior protocols. Trust God....Clean House....Help Others. ((((hugs))))