Trying to refrain/detach- don't know how to talk to my A
LoveNHope said
Apr 24, 2017
Hello,
I am trying to refrain/detach and not get angry and ask my A about "when its it gonna stop". He is not having success in the weaning process and he does not want to be drinking. This relapse has been a month and a couple days now.
Our 1st baby is due in 27 days or less, time is running out. My mom and other family are coming when baby born, and they have no clue this is going on. If I tell her she will absolutely freak out and she is the most judgmental person as it is and she will always hold bitterness about this due to what she had been through with my father eons ago.
I am wondering if tomorrow morning, when he is a bit more "clear" (mornings seem to be best) I should have a hard talk. I JUST don't know what to say. In the past, I have always lectured, pointed my finger, threatened to leave, and have gotten upset/angry. As I had posted previously, I'm having problems establishing boundaries. I don't know what the heck to do right now and feeling a lot of pressure. I am going to meetings, and these help- but I feel like time is running out and I need a plan. I have no plan. I do not believe I can just pick up and move out when the baby is is born- this would be extremely difficult and financially as well. We live in a nice big house, and I would be downgrading to a 1 or 2 bedroom apt-- BUT I am willing to do this if it gets ugly.
I just feel like there is the pressure of time.... with baby coming and all. It takes everything in me not to pound him about the drinking. I have come a long way and have been very good about not focusing on him. We have basically been roommates for the last couple of weeks. Yes... I decided to have this baby with him, it was not an oops- she was wanted. That is a whole other layer I will have to deal with the rest of my life. I was naively optomistic and thought that in our relationship, he was doing very well and turning over a bright new leaf. I was his first girlfriend sober.
The boundary so far is this: if you are still using by the time the baby is born, I will have to tell my family about what has happened. The boundary that I am trying to get to: "even when you stop drinking, if you don't get into some kind of program for recovery, I will be moving out (with my child). This is the one that I am struggling with because I cannot confidently say that and mean it.
Yes, I know I cannot control what he does but I'm looking for the best things I can at least say right now, being the current circumstances. Anyway, thank you for letting me vent and if any of you have suggestions of how I talk to him let me know. He is extremely sensitive and beating himself up so I'm afraid to aggravate the situation.
Cheers to you all.
shrnp said
Apr 24, 2017
Hi LoveNHope, You should not be so hard on yourself. I understand that you want everything to be right when your baby is born. That you want your partner to be sober, or to have a plan to get into rehab so he is not drinking when the baby is born. You can talk to him in a calm tone at the time you feel is right, but in the end you cannot control him. You have to make the plan by yourself. You have to be the responsible one. If you have a big house can you designate part of it for just you, can you tell him that when he is drinking you will take the baby to that space and he is not to bother you? Then if he keeps violating that space you can tell him you will leave. If you break things down to smaller steps will the plan not seem so overwhelming. You will have to tell your family. Tell them that it is your thing, that it is very important that they are there for the you when the baby is coming. However, right now you don't want to talk about that. You are in Aalanon you can tell them that. It is a good program. I do not know if anything I am saying might help. We say take what you need and leave the rest. I know there will be other people making comments that have a bit more experiences than I do in the program. I hope you feel calmer as the days go by. Try not focus on the 27 days. Think of it as one week at a time,focus on getting by for the next week, and so on.
-- Edited by shrnp on Tuesday 25th of April 2017 10:28:53 AM
LoveNHope said
Apr 25, 2017
Thank you Sharon... yes, I wish it could be separation inside the house. Unfortunately, when he's drunk and angry he will come to wherever I am and probably start yelling about something. I'm trying to take it one day at a time. Hopefully baby will stay in there until the due date.. a lot of times first ones do not come early. Haven't figured it all out yet, but I feel like I'm making at least a little headway. Thanks:)
Jerry F said
Apr 25, 2017
(((((Sister))))) there is too much on your plate for now and I think of the slogans Easy Does It and Let go and Let God and more. This disease is cunning, powerful and baffling...a monster and the best we do with it during times like this is detach. If you have Al-Anon reading material look up the subject and read it all. Detachment recognizes what is going on and doesn't play a part with it. For me it was an art form and allowed me to love my alcoholic addict with recognizing she was a child of God and great human being with a life threatening disease...perceptions changed and I accepted a different picture than what I had been carrying around. She was a really sick person and not a bitch.
Keep coming back this works when you work it. ((((Hugs))))
MissM said
Apr 25, 2017
Hi Love.
When things are very hard for me I try to stay in the moment and live one day at a time...when it's really bad, 5 minutes at a time! I don't know if you've heard the expression "do the next right thing" in al-anon but it's my go-to tool when things are really hard and I am projecting into the future. But of course, with a baby coming and a drunk husband, that's very, very hard to do....there's such a big "what if" looming on the horizon. Believe me, I was there where you are 14 years ago when my daughter was born and my ex husband had decided to quit his job to sit on the couch and get stoned and drink and play computer games all day long. It seems like SO MUCH is riding on the need for the other person to "fix" themselves. But it doesn't have to...and I so wish I had known this, back then. I wish I could go back and tell 26 year old me that I didn't have to wait and hope that HE would change something; I had the ability to make my life happy and safe and joyful all by myself! So I'll tell you instead, lol. You can do this, no matter what he does!
One clever lady here suggested an exercise (that I do often now) where you write down everything that you are worried about and then you go through each worry and if it's something you can actually do something about RIGHT NOW, you keep it and if it's something you can't do anything about right now, you throw it in the bin or into a fire or whatever and let your HP take care of it. I like this; it helps me figure out what that next right thing is.
Just a thought, anyway.
I think you're very wise to be viewing your boundaries from the position of "what am I willing and able to DO if things continue to suck/deteriorate". It took me a long time to figure out that empty threats weakened my position more than strengthened it. But I think maybe it would help to also separate the idea of you will have a boundary IF he does something (or doesn't do something). Because they aren't meant to be punitive, they're meant to be (I think) more like "I need to feel safe and I will make sure that happens" or "I require support and I will make sure that I have it" etc. So when you say that "if he is still drinking when the baby comes you will tell your family"....why do you need to give him a time-frame and a set of parameters in order for you to seek out the support that he is obviously not giving you and which you need and can and should seek out from people who can and will give it to you?
In order to make real change for yourself, I believe any action or plan that involves "if he" or "when he" needs to be scrapped and replaced with "I need x. I will make sure that I have x, whether he drinks or not, by doing this..." Then, you can relax knowing that you have what you need and if he decides to pull himself together and be a husband and father then that will be a wonderful bonus...(or too little too late, depending).
Either way, once you remove the need for him to change from your plans, you gain control of your destiny back and believe me it is SUCH a welcome relief to no longer feel that your future is in the hands of someone who is insane at least half of the time, you know?
Hugs, anyway. You're doing great and you can do this
el-cee said
Apr 25, 2017
This is an awful lot to deal with. What if you just put all this on hold for a while it sounds like stress and it's unlikely answers will come to you while your so wound up. Can you stay somewhere peaceful for the rest of your pregnancy? Get some space between you and your worries for a while? No mega decisions just some peace and quiet. Get into alanon and just see what unfolds. Your partner is an alcoholic you can't make him stop drinking no matter what you say. You can't stop him and neither can your baby. It needs to come from him and most alcoholics only stop when their drinking has beat them up big time and they have lost a lot like their loved ones their freedom their job etc. If you can truly accept this then your free to begin focusing on improving your life and that of your baby. This is your responsibility and no one else's
LoveNHope said
Apr 25, 2017
Miss M-
You wrote a lot of useful things- I'm thinking that I may need to print out your comment and keep reading it to myself. I do get really flustered in general and I need to break this down into pieces for sure.
El-Cee-
Yes, I'm thinking that I will stay again with my mother-in-law (yes, his mom!!) , then if things do not improve after that I'm going to stay temporarily in a furnished apartment with my baby until I can figure out a longer-term solution. I'm giving myself a deadline of a couple/few days here in this house if things don't miraculously get better. In the morning, I will tell him my plans so that he is not blindsided and does not get worse. If I just up and leave without telling him my plans, I think it will get worse. At this point, it's not about trying to get him to do something.. it's kind of past that now... so I guess yay for that??
Anyway... thank you.
Faith40 said
Apr 25, 2017
Love ,
I was exactly where you are now . It is the hardest thing to deal with a drunk husband and a pregnancy/newborn
As the others have said for me personally I try to break my problems down into manageable chunks , dealing with the things I can change and passing over the things I can't. I always want a plan too .. When I push it it never goes according to plan when I let go things tend to figure out in ways I never thought they would , this never gave me any comfort until I saw it happen for myself
I set a boundary (eventually and it was so hard to do ) that I slept in the spare room and my ah was not to come into that space when he was drinking, this was abused so I set another boundary explaining If he continued to chose to drink that was his choice but I choose not to have it in my personal space (I.e our home) and he would therefore need to go and drink elsewhere , he then chose to check into hotels to drink, so it didn't stop the drinking but it gave me peace and safety .
Keep it in the minute .. Big hugs xx
SerenityRUS said
Apr 25, 2017
Ah yes the hims.. He is going to drink or not .. At this point I'm more concerned about you and that baby you are carrying. What are you doing for self care .. How are you just even managing to breathe? You have more than a little going on at the moment. I hope you can find a way to enjoy and relax some regardless of what he's doing or not. Hugs s ;)
Iamhere said
Apr 25, 2017
(((Hugs))) - there is so much happening in your life....I still can get flustered when multiple 'events' and 'situations' are clashing in my brain. I am a huge believer in one day at a time, one moment at a time. My sponsor used to say, "It's 9:00am on Tuesday - are you OK right now?" This so helped me as my brain tends to project forward and this disease drives many of my projections to be unreal, worse case scenario, negative.
I would suggest that for every boundary you consider, if you can, use I statements. Boundaries are for self-protection and self-care. So, for the telling of extended family when the baby is born, I would suggest, "I am concerned about needed support when our baby arrives. I intend to reach out to extended family as needed/wanted should you not be available/capable of helping with the baby."
Boundaries work better if they are designed with you/your sanity/your safety in mind. You (and your baby) have every right to live a peaceful, joy-filled home. You have every right to not want destructive insane behaviors around you both. You deserve peace, love, honor, respect. Keeping in mind YOU and YOUR baby, then consider effective boundaries.
It's as easy as If I am uncomfortable based on your condition, I intend to sleep out. You don't have to say where you are going or anything more - just that if you are uncomfortable, you may depart for saner place(s). My boundaries include a substance-free home. I then have boundaries based on common respect. None of mine suggest if you are drinking....then or even I will leave if you are drunk/high. With the substance-free zone of my home, I don't have to mention the obvious and choose to do what I want/need to for my sanity.
Our program suggests we put ourselves first and do for us. This was hard for me as it is contrary to my upbringing. Yet, when I was able to do this, I did find more calm and sanity began to be restored. I found I can just as easily obsess about the color of toenail polish I want as I can about the actions of others. When I find my mind/thoughts drifting towards what others are/are not doing, are/are not thinking, I try to come back to the present moment and consider what can I do for me in this moment that feeds my recovery journey?
You are doing just fine! I hope you can be gentle with you and just breathe. The current state of affairs did not magically appear in one day and recovery takes time. Allow yourself time to heal. Keeping it simple and the using the Serenity Prayer will help calm you! (((Hugs)))
Hello,
I am trying to refrain/detach and not get angry and ask my A about "when its it gonna stop". He is not having success in the weaning process and he does not want to be drinking. This relapse has been a month and a couple days now.
Our 1st baby is due in 27 days or less, time is running out. My mom and other family are coming when baby born, and they have no clue this is going on. If I tell her she will absolutely freak out and she is the most judgmental person as it is and she will always hold bitterness about this due to what she had been through with my father eons ago.
I am wondering if tomorrow morning, when he is a bit more "clear" (mornings seem to be best) I should have a hard talk. I JUST don't know what to say. In the past, I have always lectured, pointed my finger, threatened to leave, and have gotten upset/angry. As I had posted previously, I'm having problems establishing boundaries. I don't know what the heck to do right now and feeling a lot of pressure. I am going to meetings, and these help- but I feel like time is running out and I need a plan. I have no plan. I do not believe I can just pick up and move out when the baby is is born- this would be extremely difficult and financially as well. We live in a nice big house, and I would be downgrading to a 1 or 2 bedroom apt-- BUT I am willing to do this if it gets ugly.
I just feel like there is the pressure of time.... with baby coming and all. It takes everything in me not to pound him about the drinking. I have come a long way and have been very good about not focusing on him. We have basically been roommates for the last couple of weeks. Yes... I decided to have this baby with him, it was not an oops- she was wanted. That is a whole other layer I will have to deal with the rest of my life. I was naively optomistic and thought that in our relationship, he was doing very well and turning over a bright new leaf. I was his first girlfriend sober.
The boundary so far is this: if you are still using by the time the baby is born, I will have to tell my family about what has happened. The boundary that I am trying to get to: "even when you stop drinking, if you don't get into some kind of program for recovery, I will be moving out (with my child). This is the one that I am struggling with because I cannot confidently say that and mean it.
Yes, I know I cannot control what he does but I'm looking for the best things I can at least say right now, being the current circumstances. Anyway, thank you for letting me vent and if any of you have suggestions of how I talk to him let me know. He is extremely sensitive and beating himself up so I'm afraid to aggravate the situation.
Cheers to you all.
Hi LoveNHope,
You should not be so hard on yourself. I understand that you want everything to be right when your baby is born. That you want your partner to be sober, or to have a plan to get into rehab so he is not drinking when the baby is born. You can talk to him in a calm tone at the time you feel is right, but in the end you cannot control him. You have to make the plan by yourself. You have to be the responsible one. If you have a big house can you designate part of it for just you, can you tell him that when he is drinking you will take the baby to that space and he is not to bother you? Then if he keeps violating that space you can tell him you will leave. If you break things down to smaller steps will the plan not seem so overwhelming. You will have to tell your family. Tell them that it is your thing, that it is very important that they are there for the you when the baby is coming. However, right now you don't want to talk about that. You are in Aalanon you can tell them that. It is a good program. I do not know if anything I am saying might help. We say take what you need and leave the rest. I know there will be other people making comments that have a bit more experiences than I do in the program. I hope you feel calmer as the days go by. Try not focus on the 27 days. Think of it as one week at a time,focus on getting by for the next week, and so on.
-- Edited by shrnp on Tuesday 25th of April 2017 10:28:53 AM
Thank you Sharon... yes, I wish it could be separation inside the house. Unfortunately, when he's drunk and angry he will come to wherever I am and probably start yelling about something. I'm trying to take it one day at a time. Hopefully baby will stay in there until the due date.. a lot of times first ones do not come early. Haven't figured it all out yet, but I feel like I'm making at least a little headway. Thanks:)
(((((Sister))))) there is too much on your plate for now and I think of the slogans Easy Does It and Let go and Let God and more. This disease is cunning, powerful and baffling...a monster and the best we do with it during times like this is detach. If you have Al-Anon reading material look up the subject and read it all. Detachment recognizes what is going on and doesn't play a part with it. For me it was an art form and allowed me to love my alcoholic addict with recognizing she was a child of God and great human being with a life threatening disease...perceptions changed and I accepted a different picture than what I had been carrying around. She was a really sick person and not a bitch.
Keep coming back this works when you work it. ((((Hugs))))
When things are very hard for me I try to stay in the moment and live one day at a time...when it's really bad, 5 minutes at a time! I don't know if you've heard the expression "do the next right thing" in al-anon but it's my go-to tool when things are really hard and I am projecting into the future. But of course, with a baby coming and a drunk husband, that's very, very hard to do....there's such a big "what if" looming on the horizon. Believe me, I was there where you are 14 years ago when my daughter was born and my ex husband had decided to quit his job to sit on the couch and get stoned and drink and play computer games all day long. It seems like SO MUCH is riding on the need for the other person to "fix" themselves. But it doesn't have to...and I so wish I had known this, back then. I wish I could go back and tell 26 year old me that I didn't have to wait and hope that HE would change something; I had the ability to make my life happy and safe and joyful all by myself! So I'll tell you instead, lol. You can do this, no matter what he does!
One clever lady here suggested an exercise (that I do often now) where you write down everything that you are worried about and then you go through each worry and if it's something you can actually do something about RIGHT NOW, you keep it and if it's something you can't do anything about right now, you throw it in the bin or into a fire or whatever and let your HP take care of it. I like this; it helps me figure out what that next right thing is.
Just a thought, anyway.
I think you're very wise to be viewing your boundaries from the position of "what am I willing and able to DO if things continue to suck/deteriorate". It took me a long time to figure out that empty threats weakened my position more than strengthened it. But I think maybe it would help to also separate the idea of you will have a boundary IF he does something (or doesn't do something). Because they aren't meant to be punitive, they're meant to be (I think) more like "I need to feel safe and I will make sure that happens" or "I require support and I will make sure that I have it" etc. So when you say that "if he is still drinking when the baby comes you will tell your family"....why do you need to give him a time-frame and a set of parameters in order for you to seek out the support that he is obviously not giving you and which you need and can and should seek out from people who can and will give it to you?
In order to make real change for yourself, I believe any action or plan that involves "if he" or "when he" needs to be scrapped and replaced with "I need x. I will make sure that I have x, whether he drinks or not, by doing this..." Then, you can relax knowing that you have what you need and if he decides to pull himself together and be a husband and father then that will be a wonderful bonus...(or too little too late, depending).
Either way, once you remove the need for him to change from your plans, you gain control of your destiny back and believe me it is SUCH a welcome relief to no longer feel that your future is in the hands of someone who is insane at least half of the time, you know?
Hugs, anyway. You're doing great and you can do this
Miss M-
You wrote a lot of useful things- I'm thinking that I may need to print out your comment and keep reading it to myself. I do get really flustered in general and I need to break this down into pieces for sure.
El-Cee-
Yes, I'm thinking that I will stay again with my mother-in-law (yes, his mom!!) , then if things do not improve after that I'm going to stay temporarily in a furnished apartment with my baby until I can figure out a longer-term solution. I'm giving myself a deadline of a couple/few days here in this house if things don't miraculously get better. In the morning, I will tell him my plans so that he is not blindsided and does not get worse. If I just up and leave without telling him my plans, I think it will get worse. At this point, it's not about trying to get him to do something.. it's kind of past that now... so I guess yay for that??
Anyway... thank you.
I was exactly where you are now . It is the hardest thing to deal with a drunk husband and a pregnancy/newborn
As the others have said for me personally I try to break my problems down into manageable chunks , dealing with the things I can change and passing over the things I can't. I always want a plan too .. When I push it it never goes according to plan when I let go things tend to figure out in ways I never thought they would , this never gave me any comfort until I saw it happen for myself
I set a boundary (eventually and it was so hard to do ) that I slept in the spare room and my ah was not to come into that space when he was drinking, this was abused so I set another boundary explaining If he continued to chose to drink that was his choice but I choose not to have it in my personal space (I.e our home) and he would therefore need to go and drink elsewhere , he then chose to check into hotels to drink, so it didn't stop the drinking but it gave me peace and safety .
Keep it in the minute .. Big hugs xx
I would suggest that for every boundary you consider, if you can, use I statements. Boundaries are for self-protection and self-care. So, for the telling of extended family when the baby is born, I would suggest, "I am concerned about needed support when our baby arrives. I intend to reach out to extended family as needed/wanted should you not be available/capable of helping with the baby."
Boundaries work better if they are designed with you/your sanity/your safety in mind. You (and your baby) have every right to live a peaceful, joy-filled home. You have every right to not want destructive insane behaviors around you both. You deserve peace, love, honor, respect. Keeping in mind YOU and YOUR baby, then consider effective boundaries.
It's as easy as If I am uncomfortable based on your condition, I intend to sleep out. You don't have to say where you are going or anything more - just that if you are uncomfortable, you may depart for saner place(s). My boundaries include a substance-free home. I then have boundaries based on common respect. None of mine suggest if you are drinking....then or even I will leave if you are drunk/high. With the substance-free zone of my home, I don't have to mention the obvious and choose to do what I want/need to for my sanity.
Our program suggests we put ourselves first and do for us. This was hard for me as it is contrary to my upbringing. Yet, when I was able to do this, I did find more calm and sanity began to be restored. I found I can just as easily obsess about the color of toenail polish I want as I can about the actions of others. When I find my mind/thoughts drifting towards what others are/are not doing, are/are not thinking, I try to come back to the present moment and consider what can I do for me in this moment that feeds my recovery journey?
You are doing just fine! I hope you can be gentle with you and just breathe. The current state of affairs did not magically appear in one day and recovery takes time. Allow yourself time to heal. Keeping it simple and the using the Serenity Prayer will help calm you! (((Hugs)))