My partner had a relapse almost a month ago, and I am due to have our first child in 4 weeks (or less). What was supposed to be the happiest time in our lives, has been a shit show. Things got ugly last week, I had to call the police on him and then I stayed at his mother's house. She and her husband are the only ones I have turned to for support because they know his history, I am ashamed to share this news with my parents/friends/family.
When I came back home, it has not been good. His temper goes off at nighttime and it causes an extreme amount of stress- I'm so worried about what it could be doing to the baby. I am not in a position to just pick up and go move somewhere else, as I am very pregnant and everything is here that I need for baby. I have family and friends due to visit around my due date, and I am terrified that my boyfriend will not have gotten sober by then.
I feel pretty much helpless at this point. I feel like we are on a Jerry Springer show and this is not what I signed up for. I am worried that he will smell like beer at the hospital when I have the baby. The stress I am going through is just unbelievable and I don't know what to do. He is not physically abusing me, it is just mainly lots of yelling, cussing, name-calling- and it lasts a long time.
I am praying that his can dig deep and find the strength to stop. Feeling very alone right now. Let me know if anyone has any suggestions on how to cope mentally with this current situation. I'm in a nightmare.
Thanks.
el-cee said
Apr 21, 2017
I am sorry you are going through this, you are not alone. My experience was very similar to you. My ex went way off the rails when I was pregnant with my 3 child, he was drunk and verbally abusive too and was very drunk at the hospital, in front of the doctors and midwife and he was threatening not to come to the birth on the days leading up as well. It was al very stressful and it took me a very long time to forgive this period of time. So I do understand how this feels and what you are going through. I strongly suggest you attend your nearest Alanon meeting and quickly. Get yourself some recovery and support before your baby is born. Everything else will take care of itself from that point on whether he drinks or not and will help you make decisions that are good for your whole family. Dont let him abuse you and you were right to call the police, your safety comes before everything. There is hope and if you commit fully to a program of recovery for yourself then everything will get better in your life. Keep coming here and reading others experience strength and hope.
Jerry F said
Apr 21, 2017
The abuse you are getting is PHYSICAL ABUSE as you consider what it is doing to you mind, body, spirit and emotions. ((((Welcome to the family))))
The baby is paying for it also and cannot not be paying for it. Alcoholism is an incurable often fatal disease which is cunning, powerful and baffling and had millions of victims. It is thousands of years old; predates the life of the Christ and now resides in your home. I empathized with you and he soooo much. I was born and raised within the disease and am a fellow member of both programs.
The suggestion to find and attend an Al-Anon meeting very soon is critical, please go and come back and tell us how it went. MIP is here for you we get recovery together with each others help...ESH. (((((hugs)))))
SerenityRUS said
Apr 21, 2017
Hugs,
I concur with what has already been shared .. you are being abused .. the yelling and name calling is never ok and it takes a toll.
Meetings, fellowship, support and understanding a great place to heal.
He's not just going to get sober .. it requires a willingness and want to get sober. In the meantime you take care of you and that baby, whatever he is or isn't doing isn't going to change until he's ready to. At least you can have a foundation and getting support while you go through this very precious time.
Hugs S :)
shrnp said
Apr 21, 2017
I am very sorry you had to go through that. It is not a good life for you or your child if your partner continues to drink. If you are already leaving your home and calling the police it will continue to happen. Eventually, you might not want your partner getting arrested and you will stop calling the police and live with it. It is a progressive situation. The more he gets away with acting like that, the worse it will become. Alanon is a good program to learn how to take care of yourself. There are a lot of domestic violence hotlines and support groups if you search for them. There are support groups on Facebook even. I hope things get better and you have the courage to do what you think is best for you and your baby.
-- Edited by shrnp on Friday 21st of April 2017 01:04:14 PM
Mattie said
Apr 21, 2017
I am so sorry this is happening, but glad you have found us. I think many here have been in your shoes - I know I have. I didn't know whether my A (alcoholic) would be drunk or sober for the birth. I have to say up front that he was not sober. Unless they go into a formal program of recovery and work it hard, they will not be sober. It's a hard truth but it helps us to know what we're facing. A friend came with me to the hospital for the birth, and another friend came and stayed with me for two weeks afterwards to help out. (My family are no longer living so friends were my only option.)
I hope you will consider telling your family and friends what is happening so that they can help. No one should have to go through any of this without support. I know there may be a fear that they will judge him more harshly than you do, and not see his good side. You could consider saying something like, 'I have to think about my situation and how to move forward. But right now what I most need to think about is how to manage the last weeks of pregnancy and the birth and a newborn.' Frankly, we humans are not constructed to take care of newborn babies just by ourselves, even with our husband's help. We're made to live in big communities where our mothers, sisters, cousins, in-laws, and friends would all be around and pitch in. These days we have to recreate those communities deliberately as best we can. I hope you will let them all help you. For anything that happens in our lives, an extended support system is such a blessing. I hope you'll take good care of yourself. There is much wisdom on these boards too - do keep coming back. And congratulations on your tiny miracle to come!
a4l said
Apr 22, 2017
Hugs love. Congratulations on baby number one. Sorry to hear about the troubles, it's never an easy time, add an active alcoholic partner and it feels devastating. This time should be about you and your baby, however you do that..... Is your mum/dad around? Midwife do home visits? I know you mentioned shame about his drunkenness but that's not your fault in any way, shape or form. I agree with meetings and support. It's a lot easier to get out to meetings before the baby is born and if i met an about to be new mum at a meeting, I'd want to help in any way i could. Having had five.
It's natural to want the father to be supportive and a part of it all. But sometimes it doesn't work out that way. His loss. Focus on you and the incredible changes you are going through, which are very deserving of love and self care and protection. He is too sick to offer those things right now, love, reach out to those who are willing and able, just like you did here. Many warm wishes to you.
LoveNHope said
Apr 22, 2017
I have not been able to get onto the board today, it looked like the site was down. When I read all your responses, I can't believe the peace you all brought to my heart. You all had very good wise words, and yes- I'm going to continue to go to as many meetings as I can before the baby comes. The boyfriend is drying out, but I'm still struggling with my ultimatum- which is baby and I leave I feel he doesn't do a program. He managed to stay sober for over a year- but no program. He was a typical dry drunk in many aspects. I hope that by me going to these meetings, I will have the right answer come to me somehow.. because right now I do not feel strong enough to leave. He is pretty darn amazing minus this disease. Yes, it's been hard hiding this incident from my parents and friends. The only ones who know are his parents, who I stayed with for a week last week when it was ugly. Anyway, I thank you again. Does anyone here have suggestions or advice on how to successfully deliver ultimatums?
SerenityRUS said
Apr 22, 2017
Ultimatums do not work. I have boundaries .. They are for me about what will and won't work. Addiction is life long it's not here today gone tomorrow. My XAH binged which really made me feel crazy he could go years without a drink however when he started .. Ugh .. Nightmare city. Recovery is again a life long process. Meetings sponsorship and so on. There are no magic words that happen that makes an A say oh stupid me sobriety instead of jail is right on the money. Sobriety just like happiness is an inside job. Hugs keep coming back.
shrnp said
Apr 22, 2017
LoveNHope,
You can find some information on setting boundaries. It is another word for ultimatums that might be what you are thinking of. Everyone had different boundaries. My A is an ex-bf and I do not talk to him very much lately. Someone else might have better examples of setting boundaries.
LoveNHope said
Apr 22, 2017
Thank you:)
LoveNHope said
Apr 22, 2017
Thank you.
Mattie said
Apr 22, 2017
Ultimatums are about trying to control the other person, and they simply don't work. If there were a way to control the other person, we would have found it by now. Boundaries are about deciding what we personally will and will not put up with in our lives. They're about protecting us.
So an ultimatum might be, "If you don't go to AA every day, I'm leaving" - an attempt to control the A. The problem is: What if they don't go to AA every day? Are we really going to leave? Typically we have not really set up the conditions to follow through. Then when we don't leave the situation gets worse, because he knows we'll be around whatever happens.
A boundary might be, "I can't live around alcoholism. I can't control what you do, and as an adult it's your right to make decisions for your own life. But it's too stressful and chaotic for me to live around it, however much I care for you. So if you don't work a recovery program in earnest, I'll have to separate." The key is that you don't even have to tell them about the boundary. You could, or you could not. If you do, most likely they will argue up, down, and sideways to get you to go back on it. Manipulation, promises, pleas, guilt, etc. Typically they will make a lot of promises they'll violate pretty quickly. But the thing is that the boundary is to protect you, so if the intolerable behavior happens, you quietly follow through on the protection you promised yourself.
Boundaries don't have to be about leaving - they could be about anything that protects you.
One thing that I never set (until the end) was a bottom line. At first I said to myself, "I'll leave if he starts passing out drunk - I can't stand that, it's too much." Then he'd do that. "Oh well, I'm not really ready to leave - but I'll leave if he starts stealing from me." Then he was stealing. "I feel too upset to know how to leave. I'll only leave if he does something like wreck the car." Then he'd wreck the car - etc. Pretty soon I was putting up with anything. The thing that finally made me leave was when he put our toddler in danger. Unintentionally, because he was drunk and passed out, but our toddler could have died anyway. The shocking thing is that, looking back on it, I see that he had probably put our toddler in danger before the one time that I walked in on it. But I had a kind of denial going on in me and it just didn't occur to me that he could. I got lucky - I got out before things got that bad. You might want to consider where your bottom line would be, and how you would proceed if/when he gets there. Hugs.
Iamhere said
Apr 22, 2017
(((LovenHope))) - sending you tons of loving support and prayers. I too am sorry for the pain and chaos the disease is bringing. I also encourage you to seek out local meetings and try to attend. One day of recovery is better than 0 days of recovery and it's in meetings that my healing truly began.
I understand the not wanting to tell family/friends. For me, there was an underlying shame that I had picked a 'bad partner'. What I learned in recovery was that he wasn't bad, he was sick. And - his actions/words/more were NOT my fault nor a reflection on me. When I did finally disclose, well-meaning loved ones began offering unsolicited advice and answers which honestly caused me more confusion/uncertainty. Disclosure to anyone is your choice, in your time frame if at all. I actually have a cousin who divorced her first husband without any explanation and set up a strict boundary that it would never be discussed and she had support and would be OK! Her mother passed from this earth not knowing what had actually happened and we all learned to just accept her choice.
The only person you need to focus on is you (and baby). Be gentle with you and just consider the first 3 steps of our program which easily translate to - I can't, He can, I think I'll let him - the he/him being a higher power. I am grateful that you have your in-laws to support you and that you are here!
I also agree that he's abusive based on what you've shared. Each city/county/state/country has agencies and services in place for abuse - perhaps finding out what is available to you might be good to know/have. Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!
LoveNHope said
Apr 22, 2017
Mattie: Thanks so much- these were very helpful examples and scenarios to think about.
For a week or so ago, I have been trying to think of my boundaries. You mentioned the one that I'm am struggling the hardest with right now: leaving him if he does not get real help. I have always been told don't bother saying it if you are not dead set on carrying it through. I go up and down on this... I way to "say" it too him, but I'm going through a stuggle with it because I'm not firm on that. What makes it worse, is that I feel like I am a bad weak person for not making this decision right now... and feeling a ton of guilt about not being able to just do it.
The boundary that I AM FIRM on is this: when our little girl is HERE, if he has a relapse and it's another terrible situation, and he never bothered to get help before this-- I am taking my girl and leaving.
Anyway, thanks for providing some clarity about boundaries and such. These are things that I need to here.
Good night:)
-- Edited by LoveNHope on Saturday 22nd of April 2017 10:55:57 PM
LoveNHope said
Apr 22, 2017
Dear Iamhere,
Thank you for your comment. Yes, the reason I have not shared with family and friends is the shame... but also that if my partner do end up working this one out, I know there would always be judgement and some people will just make it worse... like my mother. Also, with the stress of being pregnant it's just not another layer I want to add on right now. Just can't right now. Maybe in time, but I'm better off not.
Iamhere said
Apr 23, 2017
(((LnH))) - I completely understand. This is one of many things that makes recovery great for me - what other suggest may/may not be workable and that's OK. We get to decide and choose what works best for our situation. My family is much the same way. There is more judgement than I care to live with/by. I love them as they are yet we are very different. Forgiveness is hard for them as is accepting mistakes. I can relate to what you write and have been selective with what I share with my family.
Take care of you and your baby one moment or one day at a time! Sending positive thoughts and prayers!
Faith40 said
Apr 24, 2017
Hugs love n hope
Please know you are not alone I was in a very similar situation with my first born. I too chose to only confide in my qualifiers parents , I like you felt shame and also if it all worked out how could I unsay it !!
So i completely understand wanting to keep things private And doing it in your own time, it took me years.
I've since realised my motives were possibly to enable my alcoholic by still covering up for him and keeping up the charade. Over time when people close to me realised the truth it was a huge relief. As the disease is progressive people ended up discovering the truth anyway without me needing to tell anyone.
As the other have said meetings, sponsor , it truly saved me .. Try and put yourself and baby at the top of your list, huge hugs X
-- Edited by Faith40 on Monday 24th of April 2017 07:56:10 AM
Lee51 said
Apr 24, 2017
Welcome. I'm a newcomer to this board and have been attending Al-Anon meetings for three weeks. I thought I could just read and learn about alcoholism on my own, but an escalation in my AH's drinking, and years of isolation and self blame drove me to go to my first meeting. It has been truly eyeopening to realize I am not on this path alone. It has also helped me start calmly considering the choices I have.
I was struck by the comment you made about your family not knowing there was a problem. I thought that about my AH, too, but it turns out everyone already knew. Al-Anon meetings and daily readings are helping me deal with the shame I have felt for so long. A newcomer attended our last meeting, a mother with her son who looked to be about 6. He had some books with him and sat in a room adjoining our meeting space. I don't know the protocol for children at the meetings, but I'm sure someone on this board can tell you. With what I am learning about Al-Anon, I'd be very surprised there isn't a group to meet the needs of new moms. I hope you find the support you need. Peace.
Hi there,
My partner had a relapse almost a month ago, and I am due to have our first child in 4 weeks (or less). What was supposed to be the happiest time in our lives, has been a shit show. Things got ugly last week, I had to call the police on him and then I stayed at his mother's house. She and her husband are the only ones I have turned to for support because they know his history, I am ashamed to share this news with my parents/friends/family.
When I came back home, it has not been good. His temper goes off at nighttime and it causes an extreme amount of stress- I'm so worried about what it could be doing to the baby. I am not in a position to just pick up and go move somewhere else, as I am very pregnant and everything is here that I need for baby. I have family and friends due to visit around my due date, and I am terrified that my boyfriend will not have gotten sober by then.
I feel pretty much helpless at this point. I feel like we are on a Jerry Springer show and this is not what I signed up for. I am worried that he will smell like beer at the hospital when I have the baby. The stress I am going through is just unbelievable and I don't know what to do. He is not physically abusing me, it is just mainly lots of yelling, cussing, name-calling- and it lasts a long time.
I am praying that his can dig deep and find the strength to stop. Feeling very alone right now. Let me know if anyone has any suggestions on how to cope mentally with this current situation. I'm in a nightmare.
Thanks.
I am sorry you are going through this, you are not alone. My experience was very similar to you. My ex went way off the rails when I was pregnant with my 3 child, he was drunk and verbally abusive too and was very drunk at the hospital, in front of the doctors and midwife and he was threatening not to come to the birth on the days leading up as well. It was al very stressful and it took me a very long time to forgive this period of time. So I do understand how this feels and what you are going through. I strongly suggest you attend your nearest Alanon meeting and quickly. Get yourself some recovery and support before your baby is born. Everything else will take care of itself from that point on whether he drinks or not and will help you make decisions that are good for your whole family. Dont let him abuse you and you were right to call the police, your safety comes before everything. There is hope and if you commit fully to a program of recovery for yourself then everything will get better in your life. Keep coming here and reading others experience strength and hope.
The abuse you are getting is PHYSICAL ABUSE as you consider what it is doing to you mind, body, spirit and emotions. ((((Welcome to the family))))
The baby is paying for it also and cannot not be paying for it. Alcoholism is an incurable often fatal disease which is cunning, powerful and baffling and had millions of victims. It is thousands of years old; predates the life of the Christ and now resides in your home. I empathized with you and he soooo much. I was born and raised within the disease and am a fellow member of both programs.
The suggestion to find and attend an Al-Anon meeting very soon is critical, please go and come back and tell us how it went. MIP is here for you we get recovery together with each others help...ESH. (((((hugs)))))
I concur with what has already been shared .. you are being abused .. the yelling and name calling is never ok and it takes a toll.
Meetings, fellowship, support and understanding a great place to heal.
He's not just going to get sober .. it requires a willingness and want to get sober. In the meantime you take care of you and that baby, whatever he is or isn't doing isn't going to change until he's ready to. At least you can have a foundation and getting support while you go through this very precious time.
Hugs S :)
I am very sorry you had to go through that. It is not a good life for you or your child if your partner continues to drink. If you are already leaving your home and calling the police it will continue to happen. Eventually, you might not want your partner getting arrested and you will stop calling the police and live with it. It is a progressive situation. The more he gets away with acting like that, the worse it will become. Alanon is a good program to learn how to take care of yourself. There are a lot of domestic violence hotlines and support groups if you search for them. There are support groups on Facebook even. I hope things get better and you have the courage to do what you think is best for you and your baby.
-- Edited by shrnp on Friday 21st of April 2017 01:04:14 PM
I am so sorry this is happening, but glad you have found us. I think many here have been in your shoes - I know I have. I didn't know whether my A (alcoholic) would be drunk or sober for the birth. I have to say up front that he was not sober. Unless they go into a formal program of recovery and work it hard, they will not be sober. It's a hard truth but it helps us to know what we're facing. A friend came with me to the hospital for the birth, and another friend came and stayed with me for two weeks afterwards to help out. (My family are no longer living so friends were my only option.)
I hope you will consider telling your family and friends what is happening so that they can help. No one should have to go through any of this without support. I know there may be a fear that they will judge him more harshly than you do, and not see his good side. You could consider saying something like, 'I have to think about my situation and how to move forward. But right now what I most need to think about is how to manage the last weeks of pregnancy and the birth and a newborn.' Frankly, we humans are not constructed to take care of newborn babies just by ourselves, even with our husband's help. We're made to live in big communities where our mothers, sisters, cousins, in-laws, and friends would all be around and pitch in. These days we have to recreate those communities deliberately as best we can. I hope you will let them all help you. For anything that happens in our lives, an extended support system is such a blessing. I hope you'll take good care of yourself. There is much wisdom on these boards too - do keep coming back. And congratulations on your tiny miracle to come!
You can find some information on setting boundaries. It is another word for ultimatums that might be what you are thinking of. Everyone had different boundaries. My A is an ex-bf and I do not talk to him very much lately. Someone else might have better examples of setting boundaries.
Thank you:)
Thank you.
Ultimatums are about trying to control the other person, and they simply don't work. If there were a way to control the other person, we would have found it by now. Boundaries are about deciding what we personally will and will not put up with in our lives. They're about protecting us.
So an ultimatum might be, "If you don't go to AA every day, I'm leaving" - an attempt to control the A. The problem is: What if they don't go to AA every day? Are we really going to leave? Typically we have not really set up the conditions to follow through. Then when we don't leave the situation gets worse, because he knows we'll be around whatever happens.
A boundary might be, "I can't live around alcoholism. I can't control what you do, and as an adult it's your right to make decisions for your own life. But it's too stressful and chaotic for me to live around it, however much I care for you. So if you don't work a recovery program in earnest, I'll have to separate." The key is that you don't even have to tell them about the boundary. You could, or you could not. If you do, most likely they will argue up, down, and sideways to get you to go back on it. Manipulation, promises, pleas, guilt, etc. Typically they will make a lot of promises they'll violate pretty quickly. But the thing is that the boundary is to protect you, so if the intolerable behavior happens, you quietly follow through on the protection you promised yourself.
Boundaries don't have to be about leaving - they could be about anything that protects you.
One thing that I never set (until the end) was a bottom line. At first I said to myself, "I'll leave if he starts passing out drunk - I can't stand that, it's too much." Then he'd do that. "Oh well, I'm not really ready to leave - but I'll leave if he starts stealing from me." Then he was stealing. "I feel too upset to know how to leave. I'll only leave if he does something like wreck the car." Then he'd wreck the car - etc. Pretty soon I was putting up with anything. The thing that finally made me leave was when he put our toddler in danger. Unintentionally, because he was drunk and passed out, but our toddler could have died anyway. The shocking thing is that, looking back on it, I see that he had probably put our toddler in danger before the one time that I walked in on it. But I had a kind of denial going on in me and it just didn't occur to me that he could. I got lucky - I got out before things got that bad. You might want to consider where your bottom line would be, and how you would proceed if/when he gets there. Hugs.
I understand the not wanting to tell family/friends. For me, there was an underlying shame that I had picked a 'bad partner'. What I learned in recovery was that he wasn't bad, he was sick. And - his actions/words/more were NOT my fault nor a reflection on me. When I did finally disclose, well-meaning loved ones began offering unsolicited advice and answers which honestly caused me more confusion/uncertainty. Disclosure to anyone is your choice, in your time frame if at all. I actually have a cousin who divorced her first husband without any explanation and set up a strict boundary that it would never be discussed and she had support and would be OK! Her mother passed from this earth not knowing what had actually happened and we all learned to just accept her choice.
The only person you need to focus on is you (and baby). Be gentle with you and just consider the first 3 steps of our program which easily translate to - I can't, He can, I think I'll let him - the he/him being a higher power. I am grateful that you have your in-laws to support you and that you are here!
I also agree that he's abusive based on what you've shared. Each city/county/state/country has agencies and services in place for abuse - perhaps finding out what is available to you might be good to know/have. Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!
Mattie: Thanks so much- these were very helpful examples and scenarios to think about.
For a week or so ago, I have been trying to think of my boundaries. You mentioned the one that I'm am struggling the hardest with right now: leaving him if he does not get real help. I have always been told don't bother saying it if you are not dead set on carrying it through. I go up and down on this... I way to "say" it too him, but I'm going through a stuggle with it because I'm not firm on that. What makes it worse, is that I feel like I am a bad weak person for not making this decision right now... and feeling a ton of guilt about not being able to just do it.
The boundary that I AM FIRM on is this: when our little girl is HERE, if he has a relapse and it's another terrible situation, and he never bothered to get help before this-- I am taking my girl and leaving.
Anyway, thanks for providing some clarity about boundaries and such. These are things that I need to here.
Good night:)
-- Edited by LoveNHope on Saturday 22nd of April 2017 10:55:57 PM
Dear Iamhere,
Thank you for your comment. Yes, the reason I have not shared with family and friends is the shame... but also that if my partner do end up working this one out, I know there would always be judgement and some people will just make it worse... like my mother. Also, with the stress of being pregnant it's just not another layer I want to add on right now. Just can't right now. Maybe in time, but I'm better off not.
Take care of you and your baby one moment or one day at a time! Sending positive thoughts and prayers!
Hugs love n hope
Please know you are not alone I was in a very similar situation with my first born. I too chose to only confide in my qualifiers parents , I like you felt shame and also if it all worked out how could I unsay it !!
So i completely understand wanting to keep things private And doing it in your own time, it took me years.
I've since realised my motives were possibly to enable my alcoholic by still covering up for him and keeping up the charade. Over time when people close to me realised the truth it was a huge relief. As the disease is progressive people ended up discovering the truth anyway without me needing to tell anyone.
As the other have said meetings, sponsor , it truly saved me .. Try and put yourself and baby at the top of your list, huge hugs X
-- Edited by Faith40 on Monday 24th of April 2017 07:56:10 AM
Welcome. I'm a newcomer to this board and have been attending Al-Anon meetings for three weeks. I thought I could just read and learn about alcoholism on my own, but an escalation in my AH's drinking, and years of isolation and self blame drove me to go to my first meeting. It has been truly eyeopening to realize I am not on this path alone. It has also helped me start calmly considering the choices I have.
I was struck by the comment you made about your family not knowing there was a problem. I thought that about my AH, too, but it turns out everyone already knew. Al-Anon meetings and daily readings are helping me deal with the shame I have felt for so long. A newcomer attended our last meeting, a mother with her son who looked to be about 6. He had some books with him and sat in a room adjoining our meeting space. I don't know the protocol for children at the meetings, but I'm sure someone on this board can tell you. With what I am learning about Al-Anon, I'd be very surprised there isn't a group to meet the needs of new moms. I hope you find the support you need. Peace.