(((Bayley))) - welcome to MIP....glad you found us and glad you posted. Alcoholism is progressive and left untreated, can be deadly. There is nothing anyone can do to fix, control, change an alcoholic - they must find their own journey. I too suggest Al-Anon as it can help you better understand the disease, the diseased and how it affects everyone who touches it.

I am sorry for the pain the disease is causing. It can all be overwhelming, and I tried everything I could think of to fix my own situation. My best path came in recovery - learning to set adequate boundaries and detaching with love.

Know that you are not alone - please keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!

I can understand how this feels. My son is 23, at the moment he seems settled with a gf but he drinks daily. I got to Alanon 5 yrs ago, my life was chaos, my son was ruling the roost totally. I was completely obsessed with trying to get him sober and on the path I wanted him to be on. I learned a few tools in alanon that might help you. The worry was a huge thing for me, my mind would imagine the worst case scenarios and project into the future, it was terrible and would lead me to 'helping' him over and over and this just kept him in this terrible path. So i learned to wrap him up in a blanket in my mind and hand him over to the God of my understanding and ask for help for him. This gave me relief. I recited the serenity prayer over and over, I called my sponsor and let out all my fears. With my son, I stopped giving him money and he was an expert manipulator and begger. I said, 'im sorry son I cant keep doing this so no' and he would beg and I left the room saying ' I will talk to you later' I didnt give in he would follow into another room and continue the begging and I would put on my coat and go for a walk. I used my body to back up my words. I would say no and mean it. I stopped listening to the begging, crying, whining, blaming. I just took my body to another part of the house or world really and refused to listen. This took a very amazing short period of time to show real results. He learned and quickly and he stopped asking and began looking for other solutions for himself. I know how hard this is and I recommend reading the leaflet on detachment and working the steps with your sponsor. Its all about changing what we can - us.

Bayley - I can also relate to where you are and how you feel. My oldest is 25, my youngest is 23. They both have been battling this disease for 10 years+....the odds were stacked against them if you consider the genetic component of this disease. I am a recovering A and my husband is also an A. We met and married in AA, and he relapsed between their births and never returned to recovery.

It was so very, very, very hard to accept that even as their mother, I could not help, fix, change, cure them. It tore my up inside and I arrived at Al-Anon very broken, angry, hurt and lost. I had worn myself out trying anything/everything I could to get them to the path I felt was best. We have gone to countless counselors, 10-12 treatment center (Mental Health & Substance Abuse) and been through the court process and more.

Right now, my oldest has 2 children, recently split from their mother, is going to college and working. He's also exploring controlled drinking. He is selfish, self-centered and just plain mean as heck.....he was the sweetest person in the world before the disease. He is now a miserable soul who believes everyone else is to blame for anything from the weather to car issues to his children fighting and misbehaving. There are no safe topics for discussion as he's just fighting everything and everyone. My best course of action is to try and be there for the babies and pray for him.

My youngest is in jail. Not the first time either, and is realizing on day 22 that when I said I would not bail you out of jail, I meant it. He got abusive on the phone last Monday, and I blocked the jail number on my phone as I no longer tolerate this. I finally unblocked him yesterday (more than 100 blocked calls in 6 days) and he was contrite, grateful I took his call, apologized and suggested court is now only 14 days away.

I had to accept they are sick, not bad. Trying to change them was my own insanity. Allowing them to live with the consequences of their actions and choices was the right outcome, no matter how difficult it is/was to watch. I had a really hard time accepting that I was not responsible for them, their choices, etc. I raised them right and as best I could. I did not 'slack' in any way at any time. They know right from wrong. I did my job - kept them alive until 18 - it's time they travel their own journey.

Letting Go is hard. Detaching with love is hard. Setting and sticking to boundaries is hard. Yet all that the program offers us has allowed me to sit here, type this response while drinking coffee and enjoying the morning sunshine while one sits in jail and the other goes about his grumpy day. This disease is destructive, deceptive and progressive. Before recovery, I would have gone down with the sinking ship. Now, I stay on shore, safely and throw out a life preserver. I pray for them often and hope they will grab hold and save themselves. These are my best actions to support them and not save/enable them.

Keep coming back - my best coping tools include leaning into the program with tons of meetings, literature, etc. and keeping an open mind to what is shared. My ego and pride blocked me from the sunlight for a long, long while - letting go of my own distorted thoughts and righteousness allowed me to accept the disease as well as the insanity. (((Hugs)))

Thank you all for the information. The coping mechanisms and examples of detachment are sorely needed. If there are any particular pages in the ODAT or courage to change that you think would be helpful that would be great. Son came over tonight. I knew he was coming. I stayed in my room with the door locked. I told my husband I would not be available. I know I'm not strong enough to handle the guilt he throws at me.....hopefully that day will come. He just won't let something go and will beg and beg. It's hard to get a way from him at that point and then he gets belligerent and angry depending on what he has taken or drank. I pray that one day I will see the sweet child that used to be there. Right now it is one minute at a time. I had to take my mom to a post op appointment and missed my Monday afternoon alanon meeting. I have another Wednesday night. Thank you all again.

Bayley - both of those have indexes in the back that are very helpful to me when I am wanting to focus on a specific area of need....I am sure that detachment and boundary setting would be covered as well as many topics...HTH - your plan to avoid works - I detached with indifference at first as I too didn't want to deal with the drama and the typical arguments that happened...

(((Hugs)))

Bayley

I know where your coming from. My son has done it all. Crashed cars, spent 2 years in prison for DUI's, was so sick he almost died 3 times while drinking, seizures and what else I can't even fathom. Tried to get clean with meetings and rehabs but it didn't work because he was not ready. BUT mom was right there helping to pick up the pieces with her enabling and control thinking she can make him well. Didn't want to see him die because I loved him SO SO much. I didn't let HIM take the responsibly for his actions. MOM did it for him so why should my son do anything to fix it. I didn't let him hit bottom.

I learned over time to take care of me because I just didn't want to go down with the ship. I couldn't help him, I couldn't take care of him unless I locked him up for God's sake. He was a good man and never mean or nasty....just an alcoholic that couldn't cope.

I'm good and living at peace..... My only regret is I didn't learn sooner.

Take care of you Bayley and Let go Let HP take care of him.

(( hugs ))

Alcoholism is a progressive and deadly disease and I will never mess around with it again.

It is difficult to not want to help your child. That is what mothers are supposed to do. And for most children that isn't an issue. But for my son - because of his addiction- it is an issue. I know I need to tell him no. Giving in to him just enables his bad behavior. My mother is not quite there yet. She is still trying to save him, not yet realizing he has to save himself. Thank you all so much for the advice. Reading your responses has been very helpful.