Advisable to admit fault to a very active alcoholic or waste of time?
Hopefull15 said
Apr 19, 2017
Hello all...Its been way too long since Ive come to the boards but I am trying to make my way back to program because I've allowed myself to become undone yet again. At the moment my most pressing question is whether or not it is a waste of time admitting fault in a recent falling out between my husband and I. Dont get me wrong there is plenty of fault on his part in this but I now recognize that my inability to simply 'decline' his request for fear of retalliation/conflict led me to essentialy pick a fight just to get out of doing what he was asking. We are currently separated because of the strain of his drinking on our marriage and family. He had recently got a new job after losing yet another job due to drinking. With each new job he's required to undergo offsite/out of state training for which he needed a ride home from on one particular day. I could have done it but my rationale was that because this is his 6th job in 2 yrs and Im very skeptical. Quite honestly I dont think this job is gonna last either because he's not in program and in much denial. Anyway, long story short he asked for a ride home and I now realize I made a really passive agressive move by picking a fight but I dont feel like I owe him the satisfaction of an apology considering everything I've been through with him.
Enigmatic said
Apr 19, 2017
Hello Hopeful, glad you're here! Always good to see a fellow traveler...
Something that is of great help to me is the program recommendation to examine my motives and expectations behind what I choose to do or say. If it is something I feel I need to do to remain consistent with my values or boundaries, not carried out with expectations of change or impact in someone else, than I am likely ok.
I am without my books right now, but there several good pages in Courage to Change and ODAT that helped me reflect on where I was on those areas. I discovered that many of the things I did and said were conducted with the intent to change someone's mind or actions to align with what I thought should happen. When I did this, I suffered a loss of peace and serenity.
No one knows what is best for others as we never know all of the circumstances or where that person is in there recovery. Meetings and reading program material always helps me when I am feeling unsure about things. Hang in there
Jerry F said
Apr 19, 2017
Aloha Hopeful and welcome back to the family and thanks for the opportunity to inspect my own program and recovery. We all have tools and experiences using them and outcomes and consequence from when we do. I tried reluctantly and for personal reasons to pull my alcoholic/addict into my moods and methods mostly to create a time and process of showing her I had smarts that were helpful and worth trying. It didn't work and I knew it wouldn't because I learned in program not to engage with a drinking using spouse. What was my motive and how did I hope it would come out? My sponsor and fellowship reminded me of my addiction of trying to fix her and while I thought my motives were honest and empathetic I didn't know the depth of my addiction. "Leave her alone" was the most offered suggestion "or suffer the consequences". "If you cannot or will not support without expectations; leave her alone". At first I listened with denial and resentments and then after a searching, fearless and moral inventory I left her alone and surprisingly she got clean and sober and provided for her own needs.
Do you have a sponsor to speak with first? (((hugs)))
hotrod said
Apr 19, 2017
Hello Hopeful, I appreciate your honesty and willingness to look at your motives. The 10th step suggests that we "continue to take personal inventory" and when we are wrong promptly admit it . You have done just that.
Making an amends to your partner is another issue. You can learn from this experience change your behavior, and then at appropriate time offer an olive branch to him. I understand that making amends outright might subject you to all sorts of criticism and judgment so that that it is important to choose your process carefully. Meetings and sharing will help. I think it is grand that you uncovered this. Good work
Marie71 said
Apr 19, 2017
Step 9 says we make direct amends accept when to do so would harm them or others. ( I believe this works in conjunction with Step 11) One of those "others" is you. When I was in another 12 group, I had to stop attempting to make amends to certain people as they would then use it as ammunition to belittle, berate and abuse me. I got to the point where I confessed my wrongs to my HP, asked forgiveness from my HP and moved on.
texas yankee said
Apr 19, 2017
I felt so bad about enabling my adult son for so long and I wanted to make a heartfelt, face-to-face amends to him on a trip to visit him. The trip went from bad to worse from the time I landed - he was obviously using and drinking, but I foolishly went ahead and made my amend - I am pretty sure that my amend to him fell on deaf ears - in these situations, I like Marie71's idea "I confessed my wrongs to my HP, asked forgiveness from my HP and moved on. "
Hopefull15 said
Apr 19, 2017
Thank you all for your insight...this helps a great deal. I've been doing things to help him lately that I probably shouldnt have and Im partly disappointed with myself for falling for it and for what I feel was breaking every rule in alanon. Im not able to get to f2f mtgs right now so Ive been listening to alanon podcasts daily which have helped a lot with getting my awareness back.
texas yankee said
Apr 19, 2017
Don't be too hard on yourself - truly, this is tough stuff.
Iamhere said
Apr 20, 2017
(((Hopeful))) - I hear you loud and clear - both posts. For me, it comes down to what I can live with in my heart. I tend to get stuck if I spend too much time considering the right next step - if it feels an apology is right, do it. If it doesn't or it will cause more chaos/drama, don't. When there has been insanity around here, I have no issue just saying, I am very worried about you and maybe over-reacted. I'm sorry for my part in the chaos. It's important to me to identify my part, release it in some way so I can move on. I tend to harbor unspoken/unaddressed thoughts - so talking it out or letting it out does help me to let it go....
I also get about 'doing things for him that maybe against Al-Anon'....I know in my heart that my HP wants me to keep learning and growing. For me, hard-headed as they come, I tend to not learn/grow unless it 'hurts'. He does expect me to make mistakes even when I am doing my best. I am created as an imperfect person who truly wants to be of service. Yet, the disease manifests in my brain to go 'overboard' at times - which then muddies the 'service waters'. Again, for me - it's all about learning. When we know better, we do better. When we see the results are not forward-facing, we pause and reconsider.
You are doing just fine - I have to remember frequently that this disease is far more powerful than me or any human. I can 'run but I can't hide'. Just like the alcoholic, I feel we never are cured, but rather get a daily reprieve when we align spiritually. Be gentle with you - each day around here is like a new opportunity to grow/learn right now....I'm not sure when the waves will calm again, but do know that so long as I lean into my support and program, I will get through it!
Something that is of great help to me is the program recommendation to examine my motives and expectations behind what I choose to do or say. If it is something I feel I need to do to remain consistent with my values or boundaries, not carried out with expectations of change or impact in someone else, than I am likely ok.
I am without my books right now, but there several good pages in Courage to Change and ODAT that helped me reflect on where I was on those areas. I discovered that many of the things I did and said were conducted with the intent to change someone's mind or actions to align with what I thought should happen. When I did this, I suffered a loss of peace and serenity.
No one knows what is best for others as we never know all of the circumstances or where that person is in there recovery. Meetings and reading program material always helps me when I am feeling unsure about things. Hang in there
Aloha Hopeful and welcome back to the family and thanks for the opportunity to inspect my own program and recovery. We all have tools and experiences using them and outcomes and consequence from when we do. I tried reluctantly and for personal reasons to pull my alcoholic/addict into my moods and methods mostly to create a time and process of showing her I had smarts that were helpful and worth trying. It didn't work and I knew it wouldn't because I learned in program not to engage with a drinking using spouse. What was my motive and how did I hope it would come out? My sponsor and fellowship reminded me of my addiction of trying to fix her and while I thought my motives were honest and empathetic I didn't know the depth of my addiction. "Leave her alone" was the most offered suggestion "or suffer the consequences". "If you cannot or will not support without expectations; leave her alone". At first I listened with denial and resentments and then after a searching, fearless and moral inventory I left her alone and surprisingly she got clean and sober and provided for her own needs.
Do you have a sponsor to speak with first? (((hugs)))
Hello Hopeful, I appreciate your honesty and willingness to look at your motives. The 10th step suggests that we "continue to take personal inventory" and when we are wrong promptly admit it . You have done just that.
Making an amends to your partner is another issue. You can learn from this experience change your behavior, and then at appropriate time offer an olive branch to him. I understand that making amends outright might subject you to all sorts of criticism and judgment so that that it is important to choose your process carefully. Meetings and sharing will help. I think it is grand that you uncovered this. Good work
Don't be too hard on yourself - truly, this is tough stuff.
I also get about 'doing things for him that maybe against Al-Anon'....I know in my heart that my HP wants me to keep learning and growing. For me, hard-headed as they come, I tend to not learn/grow unless it 'hurts'. He does expect me to make mistakes even when I am doing my best. I am created as an imperfect person who truly wants to be of service. Yet, the disease manifests in my brain to go 'overboard' at times - which then muddies the 'service waters'. Again, for me - it's all about learning. When we know better, we do better. When we see the results are not forward-facing, we pause and reconsider.
You are doing just fine - I have to remember frequently that this disease is far more powerful than me or any human. I can 'run but I can't hide'. Just like the alcoholic, I feel we never are cured, but rather get a daily reprieve when we align spiritually. Be gentle with you - each day around here is like a new opportunity to grow/learn right now....I'm not sure when the waves will calm again, but do know that so long as I lean into my support and program, I will get through it!
(((Hugs)))