My AH is a DJ at a local bar. Last Wednesday night was a bad night (we have many). So bad, that he woke our 8 year old daughter up at 4 in the morning by being loud and obnoxious. He was being so loud that I peeked my head in her room to make sure she was still asleep she had her head under her pillow crying. Heartbreaking! This is not the first time either. So when he sobered up the next day I told him this WAS the last time!! It's not fair! I told him that as hard as it will be for me to leave him he is grown. He has choice. My kids do not have a choice and I WILL NOT continue to let them be traumatized over and over again. He felt bad (as usual) and had a talk with our 12 year old son and 8 year old daughter and promised them that he was going back to work that night but would not drink. He's promised that before so we were skeptical. So, as of today it's almost been a week since he's had a drink. The first few days were filled with apologies and promises. As of yesterday he started getting grouchy and snippy. I could tell he was trying to say things to pick a fight so I would say things in such a way as to avoid a fight. After walking on eggshells all day I responded to one of his questions very carefully but he didn't like it. Got angry and left for 4 hours. He knew that me and the kids would be thinking that he was out drinking. He seems to get some sort of enjoyment in making us anxious. So I didn't call, even though my kids asked me several times "where did dad go? Do you think he's drinking?" I would just answer "I sure hope not". I think I'm just venting because we have all been through hell while he has been an active alcoholic over the past two years and now we are walking on eggshells wondering if this has all just been manipulation. It's so frustrating trying to figrue out the next right move. Also, he keeps saying that he will go to an AA meeting but he doesn't go. I don't ask or remind him to go because I know he won't be serious about it unless he does it on his own. But so far the only thing he has done is quit drinking. And I'm not sure how long that is going to last. Grrr!!
-- Edited by Dlove on Wednesday 19th of April 2017 09:57:17 AM
_bunny_ said
Apr 19, 2017
Hugs ((Dlove)) I'm sending positive energy your way. It's so difficult living with an active AH and having children involved makes it even more stressful. For me working my program, sharing and leaning on my HP gets me through the rocky times. Remember you're not alone and it will get better if you keep coming back.
SerenityRUS said
Apr 19, 2017
Hi Dlove,
I'm so sorry you and your family are going through this, is it possible to go to face to face meetings? At least there I was able to get a clear enough head to really think about what I wanted and it gave me a clearer perception of how to guide my kids.
He's going to drink or not drink .. the question is what are you going to do??
Hugs S :)
Jerry F said
Apr 19, 2017
Aloha Dlove and with deep compassion; so sorry you and the children are going thru this. Does your local Al-Anon District have an Alateen meeting and groups? Having the kids available to those will help deeply. Also Alateen literature is great! You can get the information about the literature at AlAnon.Org.
I know you know that you and the kids are being held captive by his/your disease. Get your literature and hold a breakfast meeting with them with the same format as the ones you go to. Let them know that there is help and hope and a power greater than themselves to bring them peace of mind and serenity.
In support ((((hugs))))
hotrod said
Apr 19, 2017
((dlove)) I am so sorry this this dreadful disease is unfolding in your life as it is. Please do searchout face to face meetings and attend If that is not possible please join the on line ones here. Support and understanding help a great deal at times like this. Positive thoughts and prayers on the way.
texas yankee said
Apr 19, 2017
Hi Dlove - like others have said, a fact-to-face meeting (Al Anon and Ala Teen) would be a great way for you to get the strength and guidance you're looking for, but I gotta tell ya, I heard A LOT of strength and wisdom in your post - strength and wisdom you may not realize that you have, but I sure saw it !!
I think that figuring the next right move with these folks (besides talking care of your kids, and yourself, and your side of the street) is an exercise in futility - we're dealing with a disease, a force, that's cunning, baffling, and powerful - and we're dealing with a sick human being under the control of that disease - dealing with normal people can be tough, but dealing with these poor, sick individuals can suck all of the life out of us - you have those two kids to watch out for, and yourself. Take a look at some of our conference approved literature about boundaries, and search Google for "Al Anon boundaries" - it's a good start.
Dlove said
Apr 20, 2017
Thank you so much everyone! All of your advice is so helpful and just being able to vent can do wonders. All of his mood swings and and trying to pick fights was a precursor to him going out and drinking. It's 5 AM right now and he just walked in the door but I am calm. I'm sad because I know my kids had their hopes up but normally I would have been anxious all night. I told myself all night "He's either going to drink or he isn't" and that seemed to give me a little peace.
el-cee said
Apr 20, 2017
Hi Dlove your post just screams alcoholism and the family disease. Each member of the family being effected and getting sicker and more miserable. Your not alone we were all living like this one way or another but many of us got hope and began our own program of recovery and have never looked back. Family members begin to heal through the power of one person getting their sanity back. I really hope you give yourself and your children and husband that gift.
You said 'Also, he keeps saying that he will go to an AA meeting but he doesn't go. I don't ask or remind him to go because I know he won't be serious about it unless he does it on his own. But so far the only thing he has done is quit drinking. And I'm not sure how long that is going to last. Grrr!!'
I suggest taking your eyes off him and what hes doing or not, hes an active alcoholic doing what they do. You have no power over another human being and cant choose for them the desire or willingness to stop drinking, that belongs to him and often happens through rock bottoms where its about loss, loss of relationships, jobs, driving license etc. Alanon also has many stories where if one person gets healthy then the drinker can feel compelled to seek their own recovery. I think the best we can do that may change another is set a good example. Alanon has a seat waiting for you when your ready to change the direction your family is going in away from misery and pain and negativity towards happiness serenity.
My AH is a DJ at a local bar. Last Wednesday night was a bad night (we have many). So bad, that he woke our 8 year old daughter up at 4 in the morning by being loud and obnoxious. He was being so loud that I peeked my head in her room to make sure she was still asleep she had her head under her pillow crying. Heartbreaking! This is not the first time either. So when he sobered up the next day I told him this WAS the last time!! It's not fair! I told him that as hard as it will be for me to leave him he is grown. He has choice. My kids do not have a choice and I WILL NOT continue to let them be traumatized over and over again. He felt bad (as usual) and had a talk with our 12 year old son and 8 year old daughter and promised them that he was going back to work that night but would not drink. He's promised that before so we were skeptical. So, as of today it's almost been a week since he's had a drink. The first few days were filled with apologies and promises. As of yesterday he started getting grouchy and snippy. I could tell he was trying to say things to pick a fight so I would say things in such a way as to avoid a fight. After walking on eggshells all day I responded to one of his questions very carefully but he didn't like it. Got angry and left for 4 hours. He knew that me and the kids would be thinking that he was out drinking. He seems to get some sort of enjoyment in making us anxious. So I didn't call, even though my kids asked me several times "where did dad go? Do you think he's drinking?" I would just answer "I sure hope not". I think I'm just venting because we have all been through hell while he has been an active alcoholic over the past two years and now we are walking on eggshells wondering if this has all just been manipulation. It's so frustrating trying to figrue out the next right move. Also, he keeps saying that he will go to an AA meeting but he doesn't go. I don't ask or remind him to go because I know he won't be serious about it unless he does it on his own. But so far the only thing he has done is quit drinking. And I'm not sure how long that is going to last. Grrr!!
-- Edited by Dlove on Wednesday 19th of April 2017 09:57:17 AM
I'm so sorry you and your family are going through this, is it possible to go to face to face meetings? At least there I was able to get a clear enough head to really think about what I wanted and it gave me a clearer perception of how to guide my kids.
He's going to drink or not drink .. the question is what are you going to do??
Hugs S :)
Aloha Dlove and with deep compassion; so sorry you and the children are going thru this. Does your local Al-Anon District have an Alateen meeting and groups? Having the kids available to those will help deeply. Also Alateen literature is great! You can get the information about the literature at AlAnon.Org.
I know you know that you and the kids are being held captive by his/your disease. Get your literature and hold a breakfast meeting with them with the same format as the ones you go to. Let them know that there is help and hope and a power greater than themselves to bring them peace of mind and serenity.
In support ((((hugs))))
((dlove)) I am so sorry this this dreadful disease is unfolding in your life as it is. Please do searchout face to face meetings and attend If that is not possible please join the on line ones here. Support and understanding help a great deal at times like this.
Positive thoughts and prayers on the way.
I think that figuring the next right move with these folks (besides talking care of your kids, and yourself, and your side of the street) is an exercise in futility - we're dealing with a disease, a force, that's cunning, baffling, and powerful - and we're dealing with a sick human being under the control of that disease - dealing with normal people can be tough, but dealing with these poor, sick individuals can suck all of the life out of us - you have those two kids to watch out for, and yourself. Take a look at some of our conference approved literature about boundaries, and search Google for "Al Anon boundaries" - it's a good start.
You said 'Also, he keeps saying that he will go to an AA meeting but he doesn't go. I don't ask or remind him to go because I know he won't be serious about it unless he does it on his own. But so far the only thing he has done is quit drinking. And I'm not sure how long that is going to last. Grrr!!'
I suggest taking your eyes off him and what hes doing or not, hes an active alcoholic doing what they do. You have no power over another human being and cant choose for them the desire or willingness to stop drinking, that belongs to him and often happens through rock bottoms where its about loss, loss of relationships, jobs, driving license etc. Alanon also has many stories where if one person gets healthy then the drinker can feel compelled to seek their own recovery. I think the best we can do that may change another is set a good example. Alanon has a seat waiting for you when your ready to change the direction your family is going in away from misery and pain and negativity towards happiness serenity.