My late 30-something AD who lives in another state, has decided that I should be her dumping ground for all her unhappiness. I have tried to be a non judgmental, empathetic listener (and too often have tried to offer positive advice and suggestions), while (unsuccessfully) trying to set boundaries on the content and frequency of her disclosures. Unfortunately, the course of her life (according to all she relates to me) seems to be a constant stream of details about her unending bad experiences and her negative outlook on life. About 10% of the time she will try to be upbeat or positive.
The frequency of her phone calls to me got up to about 5 attempts per day (I would often not answer, or only answer once or twice, and try to end the call when I felt completely overwhelmed by all the chaos that is her life). We do better with texting as I can delay my responses or not read her texts fully. When she is at her worst, she is awake much of the night sending me streams of texts which I don't see until the morning as I turn my phones off every night and even sometimes during the daytime. If she couldn't reach me on my phone, she would call my husband and tell him to tell me to call her right away! I need to also mention that sometimes she is feeling positive about me but other times she is berating me. Honestly, I was coming to dread even seeing her name on my caller ID. My husband flat out told me I was just talking to her too much. I said I didn't know how to get her to stop calling so much.
So last week I was feeling really emotionally drained by all these calls and chaos, so I started a 21 day online Meditation program (I sent her a link about it-inviting her to try it too, which she scorned, saying that I wasn't selling her on that, and to stop sending her texts about meditation and yoga). I just texted back to her that I understood completely.
I told her that during this 21 day period, I was going to be focusing on increasing my awareness of loving kindness in myself, my health and well being, my gratitude etc. I then said during the 21 days period I would be turning off/limiting phone and television. She responded that it sounded boring and she had a friend who goes off on meditation retreats and that no one wants to be around the friend after that and everyone thinks the friend is crazy. I didn't respond to those comments.
I did turn my phone back on after 3 days and found numerous texts from her (she said she had at first thought I meant I was going into the woods to meditate-so I wouldn't be reachable, so she didn't text at first. But then there was a barrage of strange texts which I basically didn't read. She does suffer from anxiety and had begun to get worried that something had happened to me, so I just texted back "I just turned my phone on for a bit. All is fine").
Bottom line, because she thinks I am not so readily available, her texts have slowed 75%, she has stopped calling my phone, and I have gained some serenity.
hotrod said
Apr 18, 2017
((Ignutah))
Good work my dear. Keeping the focus on ourselves does work. That certainly was a positive solution and I am pleased that you were able to restore some serenity into your day. Positive thoughts on the way.
Iamhere said
Apr 18, 2017
(((Ignatuh))) - way to go! Great job on self-care - I've been curious about the 21-day challenges. My hope is you get all that you want/need from that and sending prayers for your daughter.
Jerry F said
Apr 18, 2017
It works when you work it even when you forget you're working it. lol (((hugs)))
shrnp said
Apr 19, 2017
lgnutah,
Thanks for the share, it sounds like a great idea to do a 21 day program that focuses on yourself. I turn my phone off a lot. It is the only way to get peace sometimes.
el-cee said
Apr 19, 2017
This made me smile. Good for you, I love how you got your serenity and I hope you enjoy the meditations, your setting her a good example. Listening over and over again to the disease and its negativity is bad for your health and enables her to remain in her manipulative pity party. Enjoy
My late 30-something AD who lives in another state, has decided that I should be her dumping ground for all her unhappiness. I have tried to be a non judgmental, empathetic listener (and too often have tried to offer positive advice and suggestions), while (unsuccessfully) trying to set boundaries on the content and frequency of her disclosures. Unfortunately, the course of her life (according to all she relates to me) seems to be a constant stream of details about her unending bad experiences and her negative outlook on life. About 10% of the time she will try to be upbeat or positive.
The frequency of her phone calls to me got up to about 5 attempts per day (I would often not answer, or only answer once or twice, and try to end the call when I felt completely overwhelmed by all the chaos that is her life). We do better with texting as I can delay my responses or not read her texts fully. When she is at her worst, she is awake much of the night sending me streams of texts which I don't see until the morning as I turn my phones off every night and even sometimes during the daytime. If she couldn't reach me on my phone, she would call my husband and tell him to tell me to call her right away! I need to also mention that sometimes she is feeling positive about me but other times she is berating me. Honestly, I was coming to dread even seeing her name on my caller ID. My husband flat out told me I was just talking to her too much. I said I didn't know how to get her to stop calling so much.
So last week I was feeling really emotionally drained by all these calls and chaos, so I started a 21 day online Meditation program (I sent her a link about it-inviting her to try it too, which she scorned, saying that I wasn't selling her on that, and to stop sending her texts about meditation and yoga). I just texted back to her that I understood completely.
I told her that during this 21 day period, I was going to be focusing on increasing my awareness of loving kindness in myself, my health and well being, my gratitude etc. I then said during the 21 days period I would be turning off/limiting phone and television. She responded that it sounded boring and she had a friend who goes off on meditation retreats and that no one wants to be around the friend after that and everyone thinks the friend is crazy. I didn't respond to those comments.
I did turn my phone back on after 3 days and found numerous texts from her (she said she had at first thought I meant I was going into the woods to meditate-so I wouldn't be reachable, so she didn't text at first. But then there was a barrage of strange texts which I basically didn't read. She does suffer from anxiety and had begun to get worried that something had happened to me, so I just texted back "I just turned my phone on for a bit. All is fine").
Bottom line, because she thinks I am not so readily available, her texts have slowed 75%, she has stopped calling my phone, and I have gained some serenity.
((Ignutah))
Good work my dear. Keeping the focus on ourselves does work. That certainly was a positive solution and I am pleased that you were able to restore some serenity into your day. Positive thoughts on the way.
It works when you work it even when you forget you're working it. lol (((hugs)))
Thanks for the share, it sounds like a great idea to do a 21 day program that focuses on yourself. I turn my phone off a lot. It is the only way to get peace sometimes.