For some reason I have the ability to love other people's A's .. LOL .. not mine. I was having a light conversation about this today. Very honestly someone else would probably love my XAH .. someone else does .. LOL .. although I wonder how that's working for her. Not my business or really concern .. just curious .. LOL .. because I'm nosey that way.
I think some of that has to do with the fact though going to open AA meetings helped me see the other side. No .. not all RA"s are perfect .. one of my favs had a horrible relapse after 30 years of sobriety and I personally think the bravest thing they did was go back to their home group meeting. I can't imagine how hard that was on all levels. Watching them struggle through the first meeting my heart hurt for them.
Before Alanon I always thought I had the right answers to everything .. LOL. Even during early Alanon I thought I did .. LOL. Sometimes .. probably still true .. I have more of the ability now to keep an open mind and realize I am powerless over other people's thoughts and processes. I'm trying to remember this in dealing with my current BF. Everyone heals at their own pace. I would prefer lightening speed .. it's less painful and I don't have to wait .. LOL.
What always brings my heart into my throat are the posts about domestic violence. Scares the life out of me for the people involved .. it's not my journey and I will be completely honest I read those and think .. I see a statistic happening .. I say that with the pretense of during my first marriage I was a statistic .. one time .. that was enough for me to pack up. It was horribly confusing and scary. I was so young at the time and thankfully no children involved. I guess I knew at my core if I stayed I would be dead the next time. With XAH #2 I was not going to allow him to lay hands on me or the kids and he did have it in him and he was reaching that point. There was so much craziness before I left .. I see it now .. however during that time it was my new "normal" so time and perspective has given me a better overview of how insane my time with my XAH really was.
My new norm during that time?
Let's see .. chopping wood at 2AM in the house.
Burning chemically treated wood .. IN the house.
Windmills (yes, .. I was married to Don Quixote apparently I was not his Dolcenea )
The obsessive exercising that would go on after the wood chopping .. LOL .. so somewhere between midnight and 6am
Unpredictable behavior he was either sleeping during the day which is why he was up all night or he was awake o'dark hundred, if he was drinking he was belligerent
The affairs ... LOL .. that was just the icing on the cake who the hell would want an overweight man who was wearing a scram bracelet? Apparently someone .. that I will never get. We are not talking about a financially loaded man either. Unless you were reading his Match.com bio .. LOL!!
Being woken in the middle of the night, .. I need to go to work .. I am going in at regular time .. I don't think I got more than 2 hours of sleep during that time in a row for the whole time he lost his driver's license and it was on purpose because I needed to be as miserable as he was .. he actually verbalized that to me .. so I'm not reading anything in to anything. As well as he was going to drive me crazy because after all I was crazy and his drinking was my fault. Again .. verbalized .. God we were hateful to each other ..
That was how I lived for the last 18 months of my marriage and this is a small snippet of what I was dealing with, depression, untreated anxiety, lack of control, lack of options, if I can just express how Alanon saved my life. During that time I had started Alanon, just gotten a sponsor before he left/I kicked him out .. LOL .. depends who tells the story .. LOL! This doesn't include the 15 - 17 years of my relationship.
Now my behavior .. LOL .. 18 months of sheer survival, I didn't have the luxury of going down. Needless to say it was the height of my own craziness and would have been soooo much worse not coming here, not having face to face meetings as well as a sponsor .. LOL. My nerves were on the outside of my skin. Everything was like sandpaper sensory wise. I was also trying to raise two children to be functioning adults in society .. that was not happening .. I have my own emotional black outs of to much to process, to much stimulation and so on. I was not drinking. I had moments that would have made Nurse Ratchet come looking for me to give me a much needed lobotomy.
No one understood truly the hell of what I was living. My sponsor had a better idea just because .. I don't think many people really understood what transpired during that time. It was not healthy .. I didn't see it at the time I was living it.
I don't like my X, that's a norm in my life .. I don't hate him per say .. he reminds me of that fly that won't go away .. irritating pest .. LOL .. not even as the father of my children .. I know *gasp* how can I say that I must of loved him .. nooootttt really. It was a relationship of convenience as sad as that was .. he was my obsession .. he was not the love of my life. I will never be the same and I relish that .. thank you God. LOL .. no I didn't love him. I didn't have a clue.
I have some great friends who are RA's and who give me perspective of what having the disease of addiction is like. Not all RA's are jerks and not all A's are jerks either. Not any different for people who are not living in addiction some people are just miserable cows or bulls .. it just is what it is.
One of the many gifts of alanon I was given was to love people where they are at .. (ok .. still working .. LOL .. my X is not on that list). Let them find their own answers and just share what has worked and totally not worked. When I see a statistic to say .. yowsie .. please get as much help as possible .. I worry more when there are children involved .. no choice and no voice.
This is a journey I have been on now for 6 years I think .. LOL .. it has been a wild ride and well worth it. So again I encourage yet again .. when the pain out weighs the emotional pain it will be different.
Hugs S :)
andromeda said
Apr 18, 2017
I have been with you for much of that journey. So many parallels yet many differences, too. Hugs! Recovery is a lifelong journey but I'm so glad we both chose it!
LinSC said
Apr 19, 2017
Great post, thank you. Linsc
hotrod said
Apr 19, 2017
((Serenity)) you have come a long way !! Good work my friend, I know it has not been an easy road
shrnp said
Apr 19, 2017
Serenity, Thanks for your share. It takes a lot of courage to leave a bad relationship.
For some reason I have the ability to love other people's A's .. LOL .. not mine. I was having a light conversation about this today. Very honestly someone else would probably love my XAH .. someone else does .. LOL .. although I wonder how that's working for her. Not my business or really concern .. just curious .. LOL .. because I'm nosey that way.
I think some of that has to do with the fact though going to open AA meetings helped me see the other side. No .. not all RA"s are perfect .. one of my favs had a horrible relapse after 30 years of sobriety and I personally think the bravest thing they did was go back to their home group meeting. I can't imagine how hard that was on all levels. Watching them struggle through the first meeting my heart hurt for them.
Before Alanon I always thought I had the right answers to everything .. LOL. Even during early Alanon I thought I did .. LOL. Sometimes .. probably still true .. I have more of the ability now to keep an open mind and realize I am powerless over other people's thoughts and processes. I'm trying to remember this in dealing with my current BF. Everyone heals at their own pace. I would prefer lightening speed .. it's less painful and I don't have to wait .. LOL.
What always brings my heart into my throat are the posts about domestic violence. Scares the life out of me for the people involved .. it's not my journey and I will be completely honest I read those and think .. I see a statistic happening .. I say that with the pretense of during my first marriage I was a statistic .. one time .. that was enough for me to pack up. It was horribly confusing and scary. I was so young at the time and thankfully no children involved. I guess I knew at my core if I stayed I would be dead the next time. With XAH #2 I was not going to allow him to lay hands on me or the kids and he did have it in him and he was reaching that point. There was so much craziness before I left .. I see it now .. however during that time it was my new "normal" so time and perspective has given me a better overview of how insane my time with my XAH really was.
My new norm during that time?
Let's see .. chopping wood at 2AM in the house.
Burning chemically treated wood .. IN the house.
Windmills (yes, .. I was married to Don Quixote apparently I was not his Dolcenea )
The obsessive exercising that would go on after the wood chopping .. LOL .. so somewhere between midnight and 6am
Unpredictable behavior he was either sleeping during the day which is why he was up all night or he was awake o'dark hundred, if he was drinking he was belligerent
The affairs ... LOL .. that was just the icing on the cake who the hell would want an overweight man who was wearing a scram bracelet? Apparently someone .. that I will never get. We are not talking about a financially loaded man either. Unless you were reading his Match.com bio .. LOL!!
Being woken in the middle of the night, .. I need to go to work .. I am going in at regular time .. I don't think I got more than 2 hours of sleep during that time in a row for the whole time he lost his driver's license and it was on purpose because I needed to be as miserable as he was .. he actually verbalized that to me .. so I'm not reading anything in to anything. As well as he was going to drive me crazy because after all I was crazy and his drinking was my fault. Again .. verbalized .. God we were hateful to each other ..
That was how I lived for the last 18 months of my marriage and this is a small snippet of what I was dealing with, depression, untreated anxiety, lack of control, lack of options, if I can just express how Alanon saved my life. During that time I had started Alanon, just gotten a sponsor before he left/I kicked him out .. LOL .. depends who tells the story .. LOL! This doesn't include the 15 - 17 years of my relationship.
Now my behavior .. LOL .. 18 months of sheer survival, I didn't have the luxury of going down. Needless to say it was the height of my own craziness and would have been soooo much worse not coming here, not having face to face meetings as well as a sponsor .. LOL. My nerves were on the outside of my skin. Everything was like sandpaper sensory wise. I was also trying to raise two children to be functioning adults in society .. that was not happening .. I have my own emotional black outs of to much to process, to much stimulation and so on. I was not drinking. I had moments that would have made Nurse Ratchet come looking for me to give me a much needed lobotomy.
No one understood truly the hell of what I was living. My sponsor had a better idea just because .. I don't think many people really understood what transpired during that time. It was not healthy .. I didn't see it at the time I was living it.
I don't like my X, that's a norm in my life .. I don't hate him per say .. he reminds me of that fly that won't go away .. irritating pest .. LOL .. not even as the father of my children .. I know *gasp* how can I say that I must of loved him .. nooootttt really. It was a relationship of convenience as sad as that was .. he was my obsession .. he was not the love of my life. I will never be the same and I relish that .. thank you God. LOL .. no I didn't love him. I didn't have a clue.
I have some great friends who are RA's and who give me perspective of what having the disease of addiction is like. Not all RA's are jerks and not all A's are jerks either. Not any different for people who are not living in addiction some people are just miserable cows or bulls .. it just is what it is.
One of the many gifts of alanon I was given was to love people where they are at .. (ok .. still working .. LOL .. my X is not on that list). Let them find their own answers and just share what has worked and totally not worked. When I see a statistic to say .. yowsie .. please get as much help as possible .. I worry more when there are children involved .. no choice and no voice.
This is a journey I have been on now for 6 years I think .. LOL .. it has been a wild ride and well worth it. So again I encourage yet again .. when the pain out weighs the emotional pain it will be different.
Hugs S :)
Great post, thank you. Linsc