This last couple weeks my AH has gone back to drinking more so than normal in the last 2 months. He has withdrawn from attending family functions and just wants to stay home all the time. I know it's so he can drink and not feel guilty. Honestly my meetings to Al-anon have been helping more and more that I go. I learn more about myself each time and I see how I am not alone in the day to day things I go through. To know that I am not crazy that it's just the disease helps but I don't know how much more I can honestly take. I know the program is working for me...but for my relationship with my AH it seems to be more and more uncomfortable. He doesn't talk about getting better since I have detached from "bugging" him to get help. However this does scare me for a relapse of him being violent. He has been violent 3 times in over 7 years and this last time really scared me the most. My feelings of him going backward is making me more on edge. Walking on eggshells and applying this program seems to be fighting my nerves. I think a part of me loves him and I do feel for him knowing he is sick but I too am sick and I know that I have to focus on myself. I am at a cross road and praying that my HP gives me an answer before it's too late. My sponsor won't tell me what to do with my marriage and has concern for me, probably more than I do for myself. It's hard to Let this Go and Let God.
SerenityRUS said
Apr 17, 2017
Hugs GD ..
Safety is always a big issues for people in addiction based relationships so I am so sorry you are dealing with this.
I'm not going to tell you what to do .. however I'm going to strongly encourage you to seek some additional help in terms of if there happens to be a DV (Domestic Violence Shelter) in your area they can at least give you different coping skills. How to de-escalate a hot situation, where to go and some even provide free counseling which I HIGHLY recommend.
My XAH was not so much violent as unpredictable .. like so unpredictable he was predictable. He was having people follow me from his job to see if I had a man and so on .. it was sheer crazy talk. We had one escalation that I had totally forgotten about however my children brought it up the other day for some reason .. I have no idea what triggered the conversation .. however they mentioned the issue of him putting his hands on me and shoving me out of his mother's door. I don't remember however I think at that point I knew there needed to be hands off on both of our sides because he was belligerent.
Because I'm not you and don't know you I can't venture a guess to say if your gut is spot on or not .. my cracked crystal ball doesn't work that way. Coming from my stand point your safety and if you have kids I can't remember if you do or not .. taking additional precautions is viable. Once violence is introduced into the home .. your safety comes first. Period. Nothing is more important than that.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease. It gets worse unless the addict seeks treatment of some type. I hear and read some warning signs for you to just have a plan A,B,C,D,E .. there are 26 letters of the alphabet .. have a plan.
Hugs,
S :)
Godsdaughter said
Apr 17, 2017
((SerenityRUS))
Thank you for your feed back. I spoke with my sponsor and it is a decision that I have to make. I have to go to my God for this answer. I believe I know it deep down but it's coming to a head. Yeah this disease is progressive if not treated. I am thankful that I have a program. I know it doesn't touch bases on domestic violence but going to Al-Anon meetings/readings/prayer helps with the craziness in my own head. My kids are not in the household so no they do not see this but I know they are affected in one way or another. I have a lot of writing to do for my plans, wants, needs. Yeah my safety is the most important that is very true! Thank you for reminding me as I needed to hear that!
Iamhere said
Apr 17, 2017
Godsdaughter - (((hugs))) - living with the disease is just so maddening at times. I was so unsure about what was 'up vs down' when I was starting out that I felt overwhelmed often. Some of the first self-care actions I took were to have safe places to go, just in case. I have a dog and would never leave her behind so I talked with a few trusted friends and asked if I needed to get away, could I show up - day/night, as needed/wanted, no questions asked...
I had 2 house keys from family and 2 from friends. I never had to use them but felt safer just having choices should I need to vacate...Small steps of self-care do help clear your mind to process more/other/different things!! Small steps was suggested and that's what I did - one day or one moment at a time.
shrnp said
Apr 17, 2017
Godsdaughter, I am sorry you are going through this. I think both previous post had some good information about having a safety plan. I would add to always have your car keys handy, maybe even have an extra set made of them. I have had to sit in parking lots more than once. I think we are suppose to recommend that you seek out a different source for domestic violence support. There are hotlines and websites that have chat features if that is any help.
-- Edited by shrnp on Monday 17th of April 2017 06:26:34 PM
Jerry F said
Apr 17, 2017
Aloha Godsdaughter and great that you checked in with this. I am alcoholic/Al-Anon and a former family therapist who worked with DV men who came to me from the courts. Alcoholism is a compulsion of the mind and allergy of the body and it seems he is dealing with the compulsion wanting him to drink first and more rather than participate with the family. You are powerless over him and his choices to some degree and less powerless over yourself. The suggestions come to take care of yourself and I will say you should not second guess or hesitate with that if your spouse has attempted to use control violence ever. Alcoholism is a fatal disease and many innocent victims have died from it not knowing they were at that door and being defenseless. Most of the spouses I worked with in domestic violence conditions had safe houses and such to rely on when the need arose without fear or question along with legal aid and defenses to keep them alive and healthy. I tried to help my male clients understand that there was absolutely no justification for violence against a woman, child or anyone else they could not control and since fear is usually that half step just before fear they also needed some one or where to connect with or earn consequences they did not appreciate.
All you have to feel is the sense that you will be violated as the justification to disappear. Please keep coming back cause this works when you work it....((((hugs))))
el-cee said
Apr 18, 2017
You know it's okay to leave him. If that's what you feel is the right thing for you then do it. Some of us have to leave. I left it was right for me. Leaving is an option. Doesn't have to be permanent if you feel later on in recovery you want to remain married. The thought of or threat of violence lingering in the home can be unbearable and leaving is a perfectly sane rational thoughtful solution if that's what you feel.
shrnp said
Apr 18, 2017
I could not stay in a relationship with my boyfriend. There were many inappropriate behaviors that come along with alcoholism, but one of them was his temper. Somethings are not negotiable.
SerenityRUS said
Apr 18, 2017
It's taken me a long time to figure out that while leaving was right for me .. There is another answer for some. Maybe they work a stronger program than I do .. i don't know. I only know that for me the right thing to do are the consequences I have to live with .. Hugs s ;)
Godsdaughter said
Apr 18, 2017
Thank you to everyone that has shared with me. I agree that DV needs a certain number and group to call. Since I am not dealing with DV on a daily basis it is hard for me to associate with that at this point. I am going to continue on with the program as I see it is helping and talking with others about the program is helping me too. I am taking it one day at a time and I do have options to get away if I need too as I have done it before. I am not worried about getting away and having my keys and a bag ready if needed. I just am trying to figure out with my God if I need to leave or not in the long term. Or just move out without informing him. I have made empty threats prior to program and of course I cannot do that again. I have different emotions everyday and the more I see him slip back the feelings/anger/tension comes up inside me. I usually don't worry for the most part if or when he will do something to me but with this disease you just never know. I am praying on this and I appreciate all the words and support!
Bo said
Apr 24, 2017
Stay vs. leave is very rarely an easy situation. It is very rarely an easy juncture, decision point, or whatever you want to call it. Add in the DV aspect and -- this is just me -- it becomes much easier. Argue, debate, etc., program all you want -- but one's safety, in my mind, it not up for debate or even discussion. That's just me.
That said, you have a sponsor. Use him/her for their experience, wisdom, and for objectivity. Your sponsor doesn't need to tell you want to do -- but if they give you insight, different perspective, and objectivity -- then, you can arrive at a place where you can make a healthy decision. And, your decision will be from a place of intellect, being healthy, logic, etc. -- not hear, emotion, duress, etc. While you are not dealing with DV on a daily basis -- you should not deal with it at all! Again, that's just me. Alcoholism is an insidious, baffling, cunning, and progressive disease...and our disease can be as well. Point being -- be careful that while he's regressing/getting progressively worse, be careful that you are not as well. It sounds like you are doing well.
Spike up your meetings. Detach. Spend more time with your sponsor. The answer will come. All the best.
Marie71 said
Apr 25, 2017
I know from my own experience that thee DV will probably get worse as the alcoholism gets worse. Alcoholism has 'yets'. Didn't get busted for drunk driving..yet...Didn't do abc...yet...DV doesn't happen daily...yet. Please keep yourself safe.
-- Edited by Marie71 on Tuesday 25th of April 2017 12:19:22 PM
islandmama said
Apr 27, 2017
Leaving is what I am doing now and it is difficult. Lonliness is a desperate fear for me that hurts terribly when I consider what I have done in leaving my marriage of 19 years. I am getting help from a therapist and looking for an alanon sponsor (mine has quit the program). Reaching out for help and focusing on myself are 2 things I am doing to keep me firm in my decision to divorce. I have gone back with my husband many times. He becomes super sweet when I leave him. Then it all starts over (criticism alternating with ignoring me).
Iamhere said
Apr 27, 2017
Welcome to MIP joan - glad you found us and glad that you joined in. Please keep coming back - we are glad to have you as part of our journey!!!
This last couple weeks my AH has gone back to drinking more so than normal in the last 2 months. He has withdrawn from attending family functions and just wants to stay home all the time. I know it's so he can drink and not feel guilty. Honestly my meetings to Al-anon have been helping more and more that I go. I learn more about myself each time and I see how I am not alone in the day to day things I go through. To know that I am not crazy that it's just the disease helps but I don't know how much more I can honestly take. I know the program is working for me...but for my relationship with my AH it seems to be more and more uncomfortable. He doesn't talk about getting better since I have detached from "bugging" him to get help. However this does scare me for a relapse of him being violent. He has been violent 3 times in over 7 years and this last time really scared me the most. My feelings of him going backward is making me more on edge. Walking on eggshells and applying this program seems to be fighting my nerves. I think a part of me loves him and I do feel for him knowing he is sick but I too am sick and I know that I have to focus on myself. I am at a cross road and praying that my HP gives me an answer before it's too late. My sponsor won't tell me what to do with my marriage and has concern for me, probably more than I do for myself. It's hard to Let this Go and Let God.
Safety is always a big issues for people in addiction based relationships so I am so sorry you are dealing with this.
I'm not going to tell you what to do .. however I'm going to strongly encourage you to seek some additional help in terms of if there happens to be a DV (Domestic Violence Shelter) in your area they can at least give you different coping skills. How to de-escalate a hot situation, where to go and some even provide free counseling which I HIGHLY recommend.
My XAH was not so much violent as unpredictable .. like so unpredictable he was predictable. He was having people follow me from his job to see if I had a man and so on .. it was sheer crazy talk. We had one escalation that I had totally forgotten about however my children brought it up the other day for some reason .. I have no idea what triggered the conversation .. however they mentioned the issue of him putting his hands on me and shoving me out of his mother's door. I don't remember however I think at that point I knew there needed to be hands off on both of our sides because he was belligerent.
Because I'm not you and don't know you I can't venture a guess to say if your gut is spot on or not .. my cracked crystal ball doesn't work that way. Coming from my stand point your safety and if you have kids I can't remember if you do or not .. taking additional precautions is viable. Once violence is introduced into the home .. your safety comes first. Period. Nothing is more important than that.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease. It gets worse unless the addict seeks treatment of some type. I hear and read some warning signs for you to just have a plan A,B,C,D,E .. there are 26 letters of the alphabet .. have a plan.
Hugs,
S :)
((SerenityRUS))
Thank you for your feed back. I spoke with my sponsor and it is a decision that I have to make. I have to go to my God for this answer. I believe I know it deep down but it's coming to a head. Yeah this disease is progressive if not treated. I am thankful that I have a program. I know it doesn't touch bases on domestic violence but going to Al-Anon meetings/readings/prayer helps with the craziness in my own head. My kids are not in the household so no they do not see this but I know they are affected in one way or another. I have a lot of writing to do for my plans, wants, needs. Yeah my safety is the most important that is very true! Thank you for reminding me as I needed to hear that!
I had 2 house keys from family and 2 from friends. I never had to use them but felt safer just having choices should I need to vacate...Small steps of self-care do help clear your mind to process more/other/different things!! Small steps was suggested and that's what I did - one day or one moment at a time.
Godsdaughter,
I am sorry you are going through this. I think both previous post had some good information about having a safety plan. I would add to always have your car keys handy, maybe even have an extra set made of them. I have had to sit in parking lots more than once. I think we are suppose to recommend that you seek out a different source for domestic violence support. There are hotlines and websites that have chat features if that is any help.
-- Edited by shrnp on Monday 17th of April 2017 06:26:34 PM
Aloha Godsdaughter and great that you checked in with this. I am alcoholic/Al-Anon and a former family therapist who worked with DV men who came to me from the courts. Alcoholism is a compulsion of the mind and allergy of the body and it seems he is dealing with the compulsion wanting him to drink first and more rather than participate with the family. You are powerless over him and his choices to some degree and less powerless over yourself. The suggestions come to take care of yourself and I will say you should not second guess or hesitate with that if your spouse has attempted to use control violence ever. Alcoholism is a fatal disease and many innocent victims have died from it not knowing they were at that door and being defenseless. Most of the spouses I worked with in domestic violence conditions had safe houses and such to rely on when the need arose without fear or question along with legal aid and defenses to keep them alive and healthy. I tried to help my male clients understand that there was absolutely no justification for violence against a woman, child or anyone else they could not control and since fear is usually that half step just before fear they also needed some one or where to connect with or earn consequences they did not appreciate.
All you have to feel is the sense that you will be violated as the justification to disappear. Please keep coming back cause this works when you work it....((((hugs))))
That said, you have a sponsor. Use him/her for their experience, wisdom, and for objectivity. Your sponsor doesn't need to tell you want to do -- but if they give you insight, different perspective, and objectivity -- then, you can arrive at a place where you can make a healthy decision. And, your decision will be from a place of intellect, being healthy, logic, etc. -- not hear, emotion, duress, etc. While you are not dealing with DV on a daily basis -- you should not deal with it at all! Again, that's just me. Alcoholism is an insidious, baffling, cunning, and progressive disease...and our disease can be as well. Point being -- be careful that while he's regressing/getting progressively worse, be careful that you are not as well. It sounds like you are doing well.
Spike up your meetings. Detach. Spend more time with your sponsor. The answer will come. All the best.
I know from my own experience that thee DV will probably get worse as the alcoholism gets worse. Alcoholism has 'yets'. Didn't get busted for drunk driving..yet...Didn't do abc...yet...DV doesn't happen daily...yet. Please keep yourself safe.
-- Edited by Marie71 on Tuesday 25th of April 2017 12:19:22 PM