It's been over 100 days since my AS got a new liver and seemed to have a total 180 in attitude and apologizing for hurtful behaviors toward me. It has been like dealing with a new person at first. After staying in the hospital we stayed at a friend's house to recover (at that time our house set up was not conducive for her recovery and there was always someone there so I could go back to work). Once she could do stairs we came back home. Now during her time there she was helping with dishes, cleaning, and the like- within what she was allowed to do. As soon as we came back home, all of that stopped. Sometimes she would cook (which she likes to do), but would have a sink full of dishes waiting for me when I got home. She said she was too tired (which I told her not to do). As the time has gone on, the doctors have cleared her to work outside the home for 4 hours a day. She has not found a job yet, but had one interview and didn't get the job and now has quit looking. Meanwhile, she will only do dishes once a week, barely cleans up after herself and has been complaining to me that I'm not doing enough (guilt trips like, I don't have any clean clothes so I guess I can't go anywhere today...) which I have answered, if they aren't in the hamper, I dont know if they are dirty. If I leave the dishes, I get the whole "we'll get ants" issue. Meanwhile, I'm working a lot, interviewing for more work, and cleaning the house- we just had the bathroom redone because she couldn't use the old one- we had no shower. So I'm cleaning up from construction, which is a lot of dust, selling old stuff from the bathroom, packing up and giving away stuff, etc.
I feel like since returning to our home with all the bad mojo (and lack of other people here to make herself look good) that she's back to her old self when she was actively drinking with the constant guilt trips and refusal to do her share around the house. I even spoke up the other day tired of doing everything, which was not accepted well at all. I really don't expect much. I just want her to clean up after herself and not dirty every dish (and if she does to clean it). She doesn't work 4 hours a day, and she's not doing everything, but I'm tired of her acting like a drama queen when she can't just sit on her butt and watch movies all day. I'm tired of her telling me how tired she is when she wont take naps during the day like she's supposed to. I feel like I'm back in my role again and fighting her now tooth and nail on every issue (unlike before when I would cave). Then I feel bad because she's still in recovery. Am I being too unreasonable? How do I stand my ground but not feel like it's a constant battle? I'm so exhausted. I can't sleep tonight because she's also taken up the whole bed and says she has no room to move over. And she said she's too exhausted (though I worked today and did a bunch of work prior and after work). Help!
MissM said
Apr 16, 2017
You know you aren't being unreasonable. You aren't her mother and if you were, she still wouldn't need to be taken care of like a child at her age!
What happens if you just...stop doing it all? And why do you feel that you have to?
That was how it was in my situation...I just stopped and said "no". "No, I'm not doing it"
Practice it...it feels good when you get the hang of it
I'm glad to hear from you...it's been a while!
hotrod said
Apr 16, 2017
((Gabigail)) Missed you and am excited that the liver transplant was such a success. I think you are correct in your assessment that she was on best behavior at the friends house and now back home it is "business as usual", Remember you cannot do it all and need to protect your own health in this process. Remembering that we are powerless over others,it is important to protect our own well being so Is it possible to hire a house keeper for a few hours a day to do this work and let yourself off the hook?
Positive thoughts on the way
Iamhere said
Apr 16, 2017
Hey (((gabigail))) - good to see you. Congrats. on the successful surgery and the in-progress recovery....What I can share is each of us is so, so different. You have your right to have a partner that you can work with well and live with peacefully. Only you and she can decide how that works and/or what it looks like.
When I got sober, I was able to leave treatment and return to my home and not be affected. However, I have heard many others who were triggered or depressed to return to their 'place of doom and disease'. Both of my boys suggest they are triggered by being in their old bedrooms - it doesn't make sense to me but I do listen and believe them as that's what recovery has taught me - other's perceptions matter to them, I can respect that/them.
So - I just throw that out there as we just don't know where she's at. I'm with Betty - there is nothing in writing that suggests YOU have to pick up any/all slack created by your partner/recovery/etc. You got this - and I too am sending positive thoughts and prayers your way!!
Freetime said
Apr 16, 2017
Hi Gabigail, I feel how frustrating this is! As others have said, please make a priority of taking care of yourself and put on your oxygen mask (like they say on the airplane). You don't want to get yourself sick from dealing with the consequences of someone else's behavior.
I know we don't give advice and I'm not medically qualified ... but from my personal experience it strikes me that she could be depressed. Are their any resources you could put her in touch with to diagnose or treat that? Her doctor, community resources, etc? In my experience with a family member, not taking care of their own home and not wanting to get up and do anything were symptoms of clinical depression. Professionals (talk therapy and medication) plus family support -- getting them out to do things they enjoyed -- were able to help the person.
shrnp said
Apr 16, 2017
That is great that your friend had a successful surgery. My A ex-bf has cirrhosis of the liver. Before he was sick he always liked attention and having other people take care of him. If he had a liver transplant he might still want to be the center of attention. I hope things get better, and take care of yourself.
tiredtonite said
Apr 16, 2017
I'm glad too that your sister's transplant went well. Sounds like she was on her best behavior at the friend's house. You've been a very loving sister to her. I hope you're proud of that. With that said, your own well-being is very important too. I think many of us have experienced similiar behavior at times when living with another person. Here's how it use to go for me before I changed my behavior. I would get angry that the other person wasn't keeping up their end, feel guilty about confronting them, grow and grow a big old resentment until I finally told them off. This had everything to do with my own personal expectations of others and being too prideful to speak up and ask for what I needed. Honestly, I just couldn't humble myself to ask for help. I thought omg how can't this person see what is right in front of them and just do it. Well... today I use the Alanon tool Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? I consider the outcome I want and the way to get it.
Someone in the program gave me a great suggestion about creating a boundary. They said you could start small and then continue to build on it. One example from my house is that I leave for work first. I ask that my bf please make the bed before he leaves for work. It's one thing! It does take awhile for something to become a habit so I've try to reinforce how helpful this is to me. When it's done, I sometimes mention it casuallyy when talking about other things and how appreciative I am that I have one less thing to do when I come home tired. Now don't get me wrong, I know this isn't easy if your house looks like a cyclone hit it and the other person is that cyclone but I've had some success with it. When it hasn't been successful, I've only attended to the house things and don't do personal things for him. It's not mean't as a I'll fix his @$%& kind of things. It's a way of quietly asserting a boundary that I won't accept being taken advantage of.
I hope you find something good that works for you. This is just my experience so please take what you liked and leave the rest. Thank you for sharing. ((hugs)) TT
Hi everyone-
It's been over 100 days since my AS got a new liver and seemed to have a total 180 in attitude and apologizing for hurtful behaviors toward me. It has been like dealing with a new person at first. After staying in the hospital we stayed at a friend's house to recover (at that time our house set up was not conducive for her recovery and there was always someone there so I could go back to work). Once she could do stairs we came back home. Now during her time there she was helping with dishes, cleaning, and the like- within what she was allowed to do. As soon as we came back home, all of that stopped. Sometimes she would cook (which she likes to do), but would have a sink full of dishes waiting for me when I got home. She said she was too tired (which I told her not to do). As the time has gone on, the doctors have cleared her to work outside the home for 4 hours a day. She has not found a job yet, but had one interview and didn't get the job and now has quit looking. Meanwhile, she will only do dishes once a week, barely cleans up after herself and has been complaining to me that I'm not doing enough (guilt trips like, I don't have any clean clothes so I guess I can't go anywhere today...) which I have answered, if they aren't in the hamper, I dont know if they are dirty. If I leave the dishes, I get the whole "we'll get ants" issue. Meanwhile, I'm working a lot, interviewing for more work, and cleaning the house- we just had the bathroom redone because she couldn't use the old one- we had no shower. So I'm cleaning up from construction, which is a lot of dust, selling old stuff from the bathroom, packing up and giving away stuff, etc.
I feel like since returning to our home with all the bad mojo (and lack of other people here to make herself look good) that she's back to her old self when she was actively drinking with the constant guilt trips and refusal to do her share around the house. I even spoke up the other day tired of doing everything, which was not accepted well at all. I really don't expect much. I just want her to clean up after herself and not dirty every dish (and if she does to clean it). She doesn't work 4 hours a day, and she's not doing everything, but I'm tired of her acting like a drama queen when she can't just sit on her butt and watch movies all day. I'm tired of her telling me how tired she is when she wont take naps during the day like she's supposed to. I feel like I'm back in my role again and fighting her now tooth and nail on every issue (unlike before when I would cave). Then I feel bad because she's still in recovery. Am I being too unreasonable? How do I stand my ground but not feel like it's a constant battle? I'm so exhausted. I can't sleep tonight because she's also taken up the whole bed and says she has no room to move over. And she said she's too exhausted (though I worked today and did a bunch of work prior and after work). Help!
What happens if you just...stop doing it all? And why do you feel that you have to?
That was how it was in my situation...I just stopped and said "no". "No, I'm not doing it"
Practice it...it feels good when you get the hang of it
I'm glad to hear from you...it's been a while!
Positive thoughts on the way
When I got sober, I was able to leave treatment and return to my home and not be affected. However, I have heard many others who were triggered or depressed to return to their 'place of doom and disease'. Both of my boys suggest they are triggered by being in their old bedrooms - it doesn't make sense to me but I do listen and believe them as that's what recovery has taught me - other's perceptions matter to them, I can respect that/them.
So - I just throw that out there as we just don't know where she's at. I'm with Betty - there is nothing in writing that suggests YOU have to pick up any/all slack created by your partner/recovery/etc. You got this - and I too am sending positive thoughts and prayers your way!!
Hi Gabigail, I feel how frustrating this is! As others have said, please make a priority of taking care of yourself and put on your oxygen mask (like they say on the airplane). You don't want to get yourself sick from dealing with the consequences of someone else's behavior.
I know we don't give advice and I'm not medically qualified ... but from my personal experience it strikes me that she could be depressed. Are their any resources you could put her in touch with to diagnose or treat that? Her doctor, community resources, etc? In my experience with a family member, not taking care of their own home and not wanting to get up and do anything were symptoms of clinical depression. Professionals (talk therapy and medication) plus family support -- getting them out to do things they enjoyed -- were able to help the person.
I'm glad too that your sister's transplant went well. Sounds like she was on her best behavior at the friend's house. You've been a very loving sister to her. I hope you're proud of that. With that said, your own well-being is very important too. I think many of us have experienced similiar behavior at times when living with another person. Here's how it use to go for me before I changed my behavior. I would get angry that the other person wasn't keeping up their end, feel guilty about confronting them, grow and grow a big old resentment until I finally told them off. This had everything to do with my own personal expectations of others and being too prideful to speak up and ask for what I needed. Honestly, I just couldn't humble myself to ask for help. I thought omg how can't this person see what is right in front of them and just do it. Well... today I use the Alanon tool Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? I consider the outcome I want and the way to get it.
Someone in the program gave me a great suggestion about creating a boundary. They said you could start small and then continue to build on it. One example from my house is that I leave for work first. I ask that my bf please make the bed before he leaves for work. It's one thing! It does take awhile for something to become a habit so I've try to reinforce how helpful this is to me. When it's done, I sometimes mention it casuallyy when talking about other things and how appreciative I am that I have one less thing to do when I come home tired. Now don't get me wrong, I know this isn't easy if your house looks like a cyclone hit it and the other person is that cyclone but I've had some success with it. When it hasn't been successful, I've only attended to the house things and don't do personal things for him. It's not mean't as a I'll fix his @$%& kind of things. It's a way of quietly asserting a boundary that I won't accept being taken advantage of.
I hope you find something good that works for you. This is just my experience so please take what you liked and leave the rest. Thank you for sharing. ((hugs)) TT