Posted this as a reply to another thread, but just wanted to metaphorically scream.
The A in my life demonstrates not one iota of attempting recovery, recogintion, acceptance or anything.
In fact I am very, very stressed tonight and feel very highly strung.
The A in my life was extremely rude, beligerent, talking over me when I was trying to watch a TV programme. Turned the TV off 'It's my house' etc etc.
Turned the power off when I turned the TV back on.
Unplugged the router and took it.
I felt like smashing her face in quite frankly and it took all my self-control to just put myself in front of my computer, turn it on, put my headphones on and isolate myself.
She staggered back about 10 mins later, plugged the router back in.
I practised my serenity and just ignored the drunken piece of s***.
Tomorrow I am going out and going to watch a film, go to an art gallery, do things for me. I don't want to be around her at all. She's an ugly, horrible person and I am trapped in this relationship.
I definitely want out - there is no future for me or our daughter (I have to stay here to protect her).
I no longer care whether she lives or dies - in fact I want her to die. It would be a lot easier for me and my daughter.
jitsuka said
Apr 15, 2017
I'm feeling calmer now, I just needed that head space to allow all my extreme feelings to churn and the waters to calm down. I've got al-anon to thank for that, I need to get back onto my steps. I detached a long time ago and I'm probably on step 4 or 6 - I can't remember!
I've already planned what I'm going to do tomorrow, there's a couple of good films I could catch (Logan and Ghost In The Shell), there's also a VERY awesome Andy Warhol exhibition on at a local art gallery. I could just get lost there for hours!
hotrod said
Apr 15, 2017
((Jitsuka)))This disease is extremly destructive, I am glad you shared and are using your tools.
Iamhere said
Apr 15, 2017
I am with Betty - so glad that you vented and found relief (great use of tools)....I also agree that this disease is devastating and destructive. It's not easy to watch another self-destruct in front of our eyes. Sending you positive thoughts and prayers and hope your planned day is AWESOME!!
jitsuka said
Apr 16, 2017
Thank you. I'm really exhausted as didn't go to bed until about 2am and my mind was churning for ages. I was just lying there in bed feeling alternatively peed off, furious, vengeful. Eventually I dropped off.
The A didn't speak to me, she could detect my anger that must have been evaporating out of my skin. I think she said something about going to an AA meeting at lunchtime, I don't care, it's not my recovery.
I'm detached mentally and just practiced some Mindfullness breathing.
It's chucking it down with rain but I'm feeling ok if still quite highly stressed. Wish was back at work tomorrow instead of Tuesday lol. I'm going into town tomorrow I think. I'll donate blood and chill out for the day, do some reading
hotrod said
Apr 16, 2017
((Jitsuka)) Do take care of yourself and come back here often . You are not alone.
jitsuka said
Apr 16, 2017
Thank you hotrod.
It's Damn difficult getting to alanon meetings, there are a lot of open AA meetings in the city centre (I'm in the UK) which I think I'll try ... but may be quite upsetting?
PosiesandPuppies said
Apr 17, 2017
{{{{jitsuka}}}} Hugs!
Thank you for typing your feelings. I have had those same feelings. For so damn long. But just having a place to say these things "out loud" helps keep them from overtaking our brains. I hope that you enjoyed YOUR day!
Jerry F said
Apr 17, 2017
I remember those nuclear emotions during my first marriage to an addict...Arrrrrgh. I did leave a couple times to entertain myself with insane outcomes and then that was the best this crazy person could do. The insanity was huge and finally I left the marriage altogether. It destroyed all of us. I don't ever remember giving blood during that time though LOL....take care of yourself. ((((hugs))))
a4l said
Apr 17, 2017
Jitsuka It sounds awful for all of you.
You, your daughter and your wife. No one chooses blackouts, scorn, derision, physical illness Or the host of other things that come along with the disease that is alcoholism. Nor do i think it's very fair to keep saying your daughter forces you to stay. That's some very distorted thinking within your power to change whether she's plastered, dead, alive or dancing a jig on the rooftop. There's something in there for you aside from protecting a child..... I mean the childs currently experiencing active alcoholism and a rageful other parent. How bad can the world be by comparison? And is that then really protection? I kind of think i shouldn't say this, but at the same time, i fear for your wife, and you, knowing all too well where my own anger has lead me, though fortunately my stbxah is built like a brick outhouse.
It's good to do stuff for you, but honest stepwork, including as many repeat encounters with step one as you need with a sponsor, could be very beneficial.
el-cee said
Apr 17, 2017
I'm sorry I know how horrible this can be. This is abuse and bullying and very unacceptable behaviour. Staying for your daughter could be setting her up to see this as normal and to seek this same type of relationship for herself. I think you did the right thing by not reacting and by leaving her presence. This action should be repeated every time to show her you won't give away your own self control or power to her. The next thing is important if you show her your anger and resentment then she is still in charge here. She owns you and she gets to pull your strings and dictate when your happy sad angry etc. You see how much power she has? Write out all your anger or phone your sponsor but don't give it to her. Then it's about being civil polite to her and make a determined effort to have a good day for yourself you deserve that.
Bo said
Apr 17, 2017
jitsuka wrote:
Posted this as a reply to another thread, but just wanted to metaphorically scream.
The A in my life demonstrates not one iota of attempting recovery, recogintion, acceptance or anything.
In fact I am very, very stressed tonight and feel very highly strung.
The A in my life was extremely rude, beligerent, talking over me when I was trying to watch a TV programme. Turned the TV off 'It's my house' etc etc.
Turned the power off when I turned the TV back on.
Unplugged the router and took it.
I felt like smashing her face in quite frankly and it took all my self-control to just put myself in front of my computer, turn it on, put my headphones on and isolate myself.
She staggered back about 10 mins later, plugged the router back in.
I practised my serenity and just ignored the drunken piece of s***.
Tomorrow I am going out and going to watch a film, go to an art gallery, do things for me. I don't want to be around her at all. She's an ugly, horrible person and I am trapped in this relationship.
I definitely want out - there is no future for me or our daughter (I have to stay here to protect her).
I no longer care whether she lives or dies - in fact I want her to die. It would be a lot easier for me and my daughter.
I've taken the liberty of underlining/bolding certain sentences in your post. I am thinking -- first statement -- not one iota...OK...so what does this mean to you? Just for today? Or, is this the way you want to live your life? 1 week? 1 month? 1 year?
Second, going to a film, art gallery, etc. -- I get it. Done that for a long time. Self care, doing something for yourself, sure, all of that is good. We talk about that here a great deal. It helps, it can be important. However, as you are getting a massage in the spa on a lovely cruise ship...is the ship still sinking? Do you want to be on it? Have to be on it?
Third, I want out...have to stay...what can you do for you to work toward that goal, that want? You want to live a better, healthy, enjoyable life. One step at a time -- and what's the first step in that direction? What can you do for you and your daughter?
Don't accept the unacceptable. Don't figure out a way to tolerate the intolerable, simply because you lower your standards, or are willing to lay down, or give up.
Iamhere said
Apr 17, 2017
(((Jitsuka))) - sending you tons of positive thoughts and prayers. I can relate to the maddening affects of this disease and hope that today has been a better day. Keep doing your program as best you can and trust the process. As far as the open AA meetings - I have seen others here make mention of them being helpful. To understand how those directly affected 'fall' and then seek recovery can be eye-opening. I am biased since I'm a double winner - I always enjoy them and learn from them.
Mattie said
Apr 18, 2017
Just to say that if you think your wife would get custody of your daughter if you should separate, that does not need to be the case. You would want to document this behavior and get a lawyer familiar with these issues. The lawyer can also ensure that your A does not get overnight or unsupervised visitation. It can be and is done many thousands of times across the country.
And I know the life of a single parent is not always easy - I am a single parent myself. But what a blessing for a child compared with life with an active alcoholic. Growing up with this insanity is not a healthy environment for your daughter. Please don't think that you or your daughter are stuck in this situation if you don't want to be. It will take some thinking and working to get both you and your daughter out, but it will be immensely worth it.
Posted this as a reply to another thread, but just wanted to metaphorically scream.
The A in my life demonstrates not one iota of attempting recovery, recogintion, acceptance or anything.
In fact I am very, very stressed tonight and feel very highly strung.
The A in my life was extremely rude, beligerent, talking over me when I was trying to watch a TV programme. Turned the TV off 'It's my house' etc etc.
Turned the power off when I turned the TV back on.
Unplugged the router and took it.
I felt like smashing her face in quite frankly and it took all my self-control to just put myself in front of my computer, turn it on, put my headphones on and isolate myself.
She staggered back about 10 mins later, plugged the router back in.
I practised my serenity and just ignored the drunken piece of s***.
Tomorrow I am going out and going to watch a film, go to an art gallery, do things for me. I don't want to be around her at all. She's an ugly, horrible person and I am trapped in this relationship.
I definitely want out - there is no future for me or our daughter (I have to stay here to protect her).
I no longer care whether she lives or dies - in fact I want her to die. It would be a lot easier for me and my daughter.
I've already planned what I'm going to do tomorrow, there's a couple of good films I could catch (Logan and Ghost In The Shell), there's also a VERY awesome Andy Warhol exhibition on at a local art gallery. I could just get lost there for hours!
((Jitsuka)))This disease is extremly destructive, I am glad you shared and are using your tools.
Thank you for typing your feelings. I have had those same feelings. For so damn long. But just having a place to say these things "out loud" helps keep them from overtaking our brains. I hope that you enjoyed YOUR day!
I remember those nuclear emotions during my first marriage to an addict...Arrrrrgh. I did leave a couple times to entertain myself with insane outcomes and then that was the best this crazy person could do. The insanity was huge and finally I left the marriage altogether. It destroyed all of us. I don't ever remember giving blood during that time though LOL....take care of yourself. ((((hugs))))
I've taken the liberty of underlining/bolding certain sentences in your post. I am thinking -- first statement -- not one iota...OK...so what does this mean to you? Just for today? Or, is this the way you want to live your life? 1 week? 1 month? 1 year?
Second, going to a film, art gallery, etc. -- I get it. Done that for a long time. Self care, doing something for yourself, sure, all of that is good. We talk about that here a great deal. It helps, it can be important. However, as you are getting a massage in the spa on a lovely cruise ship...is the ship still sinking? Do you want to be on it? Have to be on it?
Third, I want out...have to stay...what can you do for you to work toward that goal, that want? You want to live a better, healthy, enjoyable life. One step at a time -- and what's the first step in that direction? What can you do for you and your daughter?
Don't accept the unacceptable. Don't figure out a way to tolerate the intolerable, simply because you lower your standards, or are willing to lay down, or give up.
Just to say that if you think your wife would get custody of your daughter if you should separate, that does not need to be the case. You would want to document this behavior and get a lawyer familiar with these issues. The lawyer can also ensure that your A does not get overnight or unsupervised visitation. It can be and is done many thousands of times across the country.
And I know the life of a single parent is not always easy - I am a single parent myself. But what a blessing for a child compared with life with an active alcoholic. Growing up with this insanity is not a healthy environment for your daughter. Please don't think that you or your daughter are stuck in this situation if you don't want to be. It will take some thinking and working to get both you and your daughter out, but it will be immensely worth it.