Hugs Marie,

Yes .. after my X and I split up I went through a period of trying to figure things out .. it was a little challenging having kids however one thing I am totally guilty of is allowing life to dictate where I go vs where I wanted to go.

Just start small and go forward. It doesn't have to be anything monetarily what makes you feel a part of life? It might take a while to come up with it. I found out I'm a people person .. I didn't know that .. I honestly didn't realize I like people.

I also like to sit and watch people .. LOL .. so I do enjoy being an observer. I understand what you are saying how do I break the invisible wall that isn't really there and partake of life and the living.

It takes time to come into who you are and Alanon helps with those kinds of challenges. :)

You are right where you are suppose to be though so don't get discouraged and keep coming back.

Hugs S :)

Hi Marie, You are not alone. I found that Meetings, The Steps and sharing honestly at meetings helped to restore my self esteem and self worth and in making gratitude and asset lists daily, I discovered my dreams . Please keep coming back.

Serenity, thank you for your ESH. Sometimes I don't mind just being an observer. Most times though I don't know how to make myself 'a part of'.

Hotrod, my self esteem/worth are practically non existent. I am still learning how to get those things from my HP and myself.

I felt like this often. I don't think this is unique to those of us who live with alcoholism, though. I have heard a lot of people say that. The rut of daily living and having little to no money to spend on hobbies or to find a hobby or outlet becomes frustrating.

For me, I like to hike. I can sit outside and read a book, and sometimes that's all I need. My self esteem is an uphill battle for me, so I understand. That just takes work and time and patience and prayer. My alcoholic father told me that I ruined his life, that I should never have been born, and that they should have aborted me....he said these things when I was 21. What little esteem I had was shot that day and the following times he called me up drunk and said nasty things to me that were horrific, now that I think about it in looking back.

What helped me was to make a daily gratitude list. Some days all I put on there was , "Thank you HP for my shampoo and conditioner." Other days I was feeling more grateful and I expanded things and would write, "Thankful for my son, for the birds who are making music in my yard today" , etc. I had to stop having pity parties and I had to start enjoying living even if the life I was living was sucking my soul in may ways. I lived for 3 years in a marriage that I wanted out of. I wasn't ready to leave, I was financially dependent on him, and my son was having issues that I knew I needed my my XAH's financial help with. So, I lived in the spare bedroom. No sex or affection, I walked on eggshells daily, I lived in fear, and I felt I had nothing to offer the world as I hadn't worked for 16 years either.

Program is where I found my support and where I found a new start for my soul. I still struggle with so many things but I think I learned how to apply program to my thoughts and my feelings and it has helped tremendously. Everything in life is temporary. And, feelings aren't facts. They're just inert feelings and you can choose to change them at any time. You can teach yourself a new perspective.
HUGS, I have been where you are. Heck, somedays I still am....but those days are far and fewer between than they have been in the past. There can be healing in your life if you trust the program and a find a sponsor to help you!

i am sorry you feel you are just existing and have felt like that most of your life. sounds like you are making good choices. a life time of existing will take time to learn a new life. it is not easy to retrain, break free from, learn a new life. hang in there. you are breaking free. nothing is wasted. consider you are right where you are meant to be. you do have something to contribute, everyone does. observing can be a good thing. find a meeting(s). let the people in the meetings feed you and your soul. i relate to you about existing most of my life too. it sucks!! keep doing the next right thing. be patient with yourself. you blessed my life with your honesty.

Andromeda, I can relate to what you said about your dad. Mine was very critical. He wasn't happy with anything. I haven't started a gratitude list...I will though. I don't know anyone well enough to get a sponsor yet, I have only been to 2 meetings.

Runi, you are right, trying to change how I think, my perspective on things, isn't easy when you have been a certain way for so long. Sometimes it takes me hours to realize my thinking has been skewed about something. I am glad I could be a blessing to you today. :)

Yes I can identify with what you say Marie71, it's how I feel at the moment.

I'm sorry I don't have anything else to offer you - just acknowledgement that you aren't alone.

Get along to face-to-face meetings, they will help. I need to get back to my f2f meetings too.

Sending you positive warmth x

Thank you jitsuka.