My now Xabf contacted me yesterday and I agreed we should talk in person. I went to his flat today.
It turns out he hadn't contacted me for over a week since I left because he felt hurt by my leaving (not for the first time), feeling he's had enough of it. From his pov, I guess he sees me as this flighty gf who just doesn't get him. Me leaving again today after talking only confirmed that in his mind (he said so).
So, when I said to him I couldn't live with the drinking anymore, that I wouldn't, I could see he was upset, it didn't seem to be what he had expected I would say, maybe he hoped I would now "understand" him and go along with what he had intended to do with his life, including lie to his family. There's a lot more to this, but never mind.
After that he pretty much avoided me. Just before I left I said that maybe, some time in the future, we could get back together again. I said I consider this a possibility and asked him what he thought of that. He said "probably no", which really hurts...
I am feeling pretty sorry for myself, and half second-guessing myself... My only serious relationship has ended - we were together for so long...
What if he DOES stop drinking soon and doesn't want me back? What if I just lost my last chance at getting the life I wanted with him? And I get it that I have co-dependency written all over me now... which, I guess, makes leaving the only right thing I could do. Because how on earth could anything have been OK if I stayed, with me as I am now? But maybe I should have waited a bit longer, it does say somewhere that it is recommended to be in Al-anon for at least 6 months before making major changes in life, and I'm still a total newbie... What if I messed up big time? He did put in some effort into at least cutting the amount of alcohol he drinks...
I feel pretty surreal again, like I don't understand what's really happening. The only thing that consoles me, that hints that I must have made the right choice, is the fact that even now, crying and grieving, and feeling lost, I still don't feel as helpless, as destroyed, as alone as during some of his drunken bouts.
I do need help, I see that. But I guess "I will survive", as the song goes...
SerenityRUS said
Apr 14, 2017
My issue I terms of fear was what if I really was so damaged that's why my XAH drank!? He would go be with someone else and they would get the better parts of him and I'm just a major regect!? Ugh!! That's MY defective thinking. Guess what. We spilt up and he's still up to his old tricks .. The only difference is I'm not part of that dysfunction. Big hugs .. He is showing you who he is today .. Believe him.
Aline said
Apr 14, 2017
There's something very similar going on with me right now, there have been moments today when I suddenly felt extremely jealous of the imaginary gf of his from the future. LOL. This really seems ridiculous when I'm writing it down like this. Thanks for your words, Serenity...
Mattie said
Apr 14, 2017
I bet every single one of us has had that terrible feeling, "What if he stops drinking after we split up, and I miss out on the wonderful life we could have had? And someone else gets it?"
Here are some things to think about:
The chances that someone who enters a formal program of recovery will achieve longterm sobriety are 15-25%. If your Abf has not entered a formal program of recovery, the chances are less. So it's really not a matter of "What if he wakes up someday and just decides to be sober? And then everything will be smooth sailing!" Though we'd all love it if that could happen.
When someone decides to go into recovery, it's a long, tumultuous road. They're advised not to start new relationships for the first year, because they need to put all their attention on their sobriety. If they're already in a relationship, their partner typically finds them self-absorbed (they have to be), moody, and only just learning how to function as an adult. It's a tough time. It isn't a warm supportive mutual relationship.
Even with people who have been in recovery for a good many years, there is always the danger of relapse. I know someone who fell out of sobriety hard after 12 or 15 years of being a pillar of AA. Several years down the road, he was still drinking. So there is always that possibility hanging over your head.
You have a lot of baggage now with a guy whose actions have been pretty hurtful. I know we tend to minimize their role in it ("He couldn't help himself" or "He's a good guy deep down"), but however good a guy he is, an alcoholic is not capable of being a grownup in a mutually supportive relationship. You will always have that baggage to overcome. Whereas with a new guy - no baggage!
There are thousands of great guys out there. I know it's hard to appreciate that when you're hurting and they're abstract and this guy is real. And people who hurt us provoke a kind of hold-on response for some reason. It's harder to let go of those relationships than the ones that were less filled with drama and pain.
This is the point where it helps us most to dive deep into our own recovery. Therefore we are best prepared to make the most of whatever possibilities come our way, whether that's the old guy only healthier, or a new healthy guy. Take good care of yourself.
Aline said
Apr 14, 2017
Thank you for your reply, Mattie. I will just try focusing on myself now, I really need that
_bunny_ said
Apr 14, 2017
I'm sending hugs your way ((Aline)), I'm sorry your going through this. Before Al-Anon I obsessed over my sometimes toxic, but lovely AH. All I could think about was the ifs, ands or buts of every possible scenario, my life had become unmanageable. My AH has an addiction, alcohol, but I have an addiction too, my alcoholic husband. Through working my program, the steps, reading the literature, breaking my isolation, trusting my HP etc...my life has become manageable, even peaceful. My AH is still active in his drinking, I couldn't even tell you how often or how much he drinks because I didn't cause I it, I can't control it and I can't cure it. Keep coming back love, your among people who understand and support you.
My now Xabf contacted me yesterday and I agreed we should talk in person. I went to his flat today.
It turns out he hadn't contacted me for over a week since I left because he felt hurt by my leaving (not for the first time), feeling he's had enough of it. From his pov, I guess he sees me as this flighty gf who just doesn't get him. Me leaving again today after talking only confirmed that in his mind (he said so).
So, when I said to him I couldn't live with the drinking anymore, that I wouldn't, I could see he was upset, it didn't seem to be what he had expected I would say, maybe he hoped I would now "understand" him and go along with what he had intended to do with his life, including lie to his family. There's a lot more to this, but never mind.
After that he pretty much avoided me. Just before I left I said that maybe, some time in the future, we could get back together again. I said I consider this a possibility and asked him what he thought of that. He said "probably no", which really hurts...
I am feeling pretty sorry for myself, and half second-guessing myself... My only serious relationship has ended - we were together for so long...
What if he DOES stop drinking soon and doesn't want me back? What if I just lost my last chance at getting the life I wanted with him? And I get it that I have co-dependency written all over me now... which, I guess, makes leaving the only right thing I could do. Because how on earth could anything have been OK if I stayed, with me as I am now? But maybe I should have waited a bit longer, it does say somewhere that it is recommended to be in Al-anon for at least 6 months before making major changes in life, and I'm still a total newbie... What if I messed up big time? He did put in some effort into at least cutting the amount of alcohol he drinks...
I feel pretty surreal again, like I don't understand what's really happening. The only thing that consoles me, that hints that I must have made the right choice, is the fact that even now, crying and grieving, and feeling lost, I still don't feel as helpless, as destroyed, as alone as during some of his drunken bouts.
I do need help, I see that. But I guess "I will survive", as the song goes...
I bet every single one of us has had that terrible feeling, "What if he stops drinking after we split up, and I miss out on the wonderful life we could have had? And someone else gets it?"
Here are some things to think about:
The chances that someone who enters a formal program of recovery will achieve longterm sobriety are 15-25%. If your Abf has not entered a formal program of recovery, the chances are less. So it's really not a matter of "What if he wakes up someday and just decides to be sober? And then everything will be smooth sailing!" Though we'd all love it if that could happen.
When someone decides to go into recovery, it's a long, tumultuous road. They're advised not to start new relationships for the first year, because they need to put all their attention on their sobriety. If they're already in a relationship, their partner typically finds them self-absorbed (they have to be), moody, and only just learning how to function as an adult. It's a tough time. It isn't a warm supportive mutual relationship.
Even with people who have been in recovery for a good many years, there is always the danger of relapse. I know someone who fell out of sobriety hard after 12 or 15 years of being a pillar of AA. Several years down the road, he was still drinking. So there is always that possibility hanging over your head.
You have a lot of baggage now with a guy whose actions have been pretty hurtful. I know we tend to minimize their role in it ("He couldn't help himself" or "He's a good guy deep down"), but however good a guy he is, an alcoholic is not capable of being a grownup in a mutually supportive relationship. You will always have that baggage to overcome. Whereas with a new guy - no baggage!
There are thousands of great guys out there. I know it's hard to appreciate that when you're hurting and they're abstract and this guy is real. And people who hurt us provoke a kind of hold-on response for some reason. It's harder to let go of those relationships than the ones that were less filled with drama and pain.
This is the point where it helps us most to dive deep into our own recovery. Therefore we are best prepared to make the most of whatever possibilities come our way, whether that's the old guy only healthier, or a new healthy guy. Take good care of yourself.