Morning all! I woke this morning to that maddening, obsessive thinking about the xAB. It truly is over. I need to stop looking back, but how? This man did not love me yet I stayed with him for over a year of my life. And here I am feeling so sad this morning thinking about how he's with someone else? As if he's going to be ANY different with someone else... after his first 30 days of trying to be. My head knows the truth. My heart LOVES to fantasize. It's frustrating, to say the least.
WhewWee said
Apr 14, 2017
On a positive note... I have a handyman coming to my house shortly to give me a quote on doing some things I've needed to have done for quite a while. That's one thing that makes me feel like I'm doing something good to take care of myself. Of course these are very small things that the x said he'd do a year ago and of course, he didn't do. How many times did he lie to me? Really. And I wake up missing him and feeling sad that he's with someone else? Where's the sense in that? Is anyone else recognizing themselves in the way I respond to the effects of this disease, before recovery, of course? I feel like such a brat on here sometimes, because I am not married to an A... I don't have children with him, etc.... so I guess I see that my problem is much less serious than a lot of people's problems. But my choosing these types of relationships is really a huge issue that I have to overcome if I want to live a happy, healthy life. No more ignoring red flags when I see them. Gosh.
I thank you all for your input and your patience.
-- Edited by WhewWee on Friday 14th of April 2017 07:23:09 AM
Iamhere said
Apr 14, 2017
WhewWee - when my mind woke up like 'this', my sponsor and those who came before me suggested I try and do a gratitude list and an asset list. Also, adding more meetings always has helped me through the difficult times. Good on you for stepping forward with your 'to-do' list!!! (((Hugs)))
hotrod said
Apr 14, 2017
I agree IAH, Asset and gratitude lists, as well as the serenity prayer help tremendously at times like this.
Jayla said
Apr 14, 2017
((((WhewWee)))) you were wise enough to see the truth and free yourself before becoming forever tied to an A or abuser. That says something really positive for you. And the jealousy is totally understandable but it sounds like you know in your heart you're better off without the A.
2HP said
Apr 14, 2017
I so remember these kinds of days... brain going round and round and round... obsessing over and over... so frustrated at my powerlessness... so I'd think on it ... think... think.... think....again and again and again....
I remember having a phone conversation with my sponsor. and my brain was doing its thing. I must have said the same thing over multiple times and she finally shouted STOP!
STOP STOP STOP
I was a bit shocked, where's the love?!!
Then she said, "Look around you. Do you even know where you are? or what the weather looks like right now? what color is the sky??"
what wondrous love is this
so when life is feeling unmanageable today, I have learned that I stand at the turning point... I can continue to obsess over the noise noise noise in my brain getting nowhere, or I can take steps to quiet that storm with God who is silent. Often for me, it looks like a mindful walk out in nature to take in the beauty as she taught me to that day.... get mindful in this moment again, it begins with just one step.
Also when I am going through "crisis" I take steps to get to many more meetings... at least 7 meetings in 7 days... because my brain computer needs uploading... new thoughts please! and this is the easiest way for me to do it. I find myself sitting with those who are like me and that connection feels good, no longer alone.
Even after my alcoholic relationship ended, I committed myself to Al-anon because I had met too many women COMING BACK after they had gone on to chose yet another alcoholic. I didn't want it to happen to me. and yet it did. I found myself with another addict for about a year. why do we do that?
the wisdom gained in the 12 steps is priceless.
WhewWee said
Apr 14, 2017
Oh my gosh, thank you all. You've all been such a blessing. My mom drove up to see me today and we had a good ol' closet cleaning session and freed up some space for some new clothes. ;) We went out to eat and talked, talked, talked... of course. I've discovered that my grief comes in waves.... much like nausea does when you're sick. It's just about as fun, too... as you all know.
((((Iamhere))) and ((((hotrod))), what is an asset list?
((((Jayla)))), thank you. I hate jealousy so much. It's so destructive to your self esteem, you know? I think you're right that maybe I do know that it's better to suffer through missing him and thinking about him being with other people, than to turn around in another couple more years and be twice as hurt when I have to let him go because he's somehow hurt me then. You know? Ugh. Life's hard. I definitely need to lay off the relationships for a great while.
((((2HP))) you nailed my emotions. I swear, the thinking, thinking, thinking part may be worse than the jealousy part. I don't know. It's all a jumbled bag of stupidity. Any way you look at it.
I'll be so thankful to learn better coping skills.
Thank you all again for being here.
-- Edited by WhewWee on Friday 14th of April 2017 06:08:36 PM
Iamhere said
Apr 15, 2017
Good morning - asset list is similar to positive affirmations - I am smart, I am organized, I am patient, I am in recovery - look at yourself and find what's AWESOME about you!!!!!!!
I am a huge fan of closet cleaning. I have always been anal, so cleaning a closet, a drawer, a room, the garage, etc. are things I enjoy doing as I see 'a mess', progress and then an improved ending.....while I can not control other people, places and things, I can certainly control how I spend my energy.
So glad you got to spend time with your momma! Enjoy the day!
SerenityRUS said
Apr 15, 2017
I am totally not trivializing .. I want to put something into perspective you spent a year of lesson learning with your XAB .. some of us logged double digits .. pain is pain so I truly am NOT trivializing what you are going through .. here's a gratitude for you it was a year of lesson learning and should you choose to do the work .. there can be an amazing outcome of not repeating the same dance. You invested a year .. not a lifetime can I get a hallelujah!? To qualify .. I don't view my years with my XAH as wasted .. well the last 7 yes .. even before then it wasn't about did we have good times .. no not really .. I was a miserable cow and he was a miserable bull. LOL. Apparently I really needed to learn some lessons .. LOL .. I'm not thrilled that I felt the need to go through that however it is what it is.
Whatever the future holds you have something very valuable .. you are learning your worth, you are learning about you, you have a choice to continue as things were or to take a different road.
Being single I have met some lovely men .. some not so much .. I have learned terms such as benching, ghosting and so on .. I did not want to learn about that .. however ehe .. it is what it is and I am wiser than I was going in to all of it. One of the lovely men I met is definitely an A and we are still friends .. nothing romantic ever developed .. there had been talk .. I realized for me and for him .. we were not suited .. it doesn't make him less lovely he has been there for me in ways that my XAH has not and only as a friend. He drives me crazy on his political/religious views and sometimes calls me with a drunk rant .. sometimes I enjoy the exchange for just what it is nothing more .. my friend is hurting and lonely and just needs someone to listen. I chastise him gently about his health and he loves it. LOL. He calls me his nun .. long story there .. LOL.
Alanon and open AA meetings have taught me to see what is for me and what is not .. I have zero desire to repeat these lessons so when I see the warning signs, red flags and so on .. this is not an invitation to engage in a relationship that will not only devastate me .. probably not healthy for the other person either .. I can love someone to death, .. slowly .. legally and out of the goodness of my heart because I am that selfish. Yup .. there it is .. I am selfish .. I love someone to their detriment because I feel so little about myself .. now that statement is not true today .. although I can go there in the split second of a heart beat.
So good on you moving forward and doing for you .. your XAB isn't a bad guy .. sick guy .. TOTALLY .. healthy for a relationship .. ehe .. probably not and looking back with time you will see blatantly how truly not ok he is/was whatever .. you can be in a different place if you choose .. no one else does the work you do.
One of my first meetings I was told not to sit on the pity pot that my butt got glued to it .. yup .. LOL .. I was totally outraged and guess what .. I totally needed to hear it because the God of my understanding tends to have a wicked sense of humor and while love and patience is unconditional I KNOW spends a lot of time with His hand over his face shaking his head gently laughing going .. seriously child you want to have another round of self induced pain .. please stop. LOL.
To which I shake my head get out the glue remover and figure out how to move forward.
Morning all! I woke this morning to that maddening, obsessive thinking about the xAB. It truly is over. I need to stop looking back, but how? This man did not love me yet I stayed with him for over a year of my life. And here I am feeling so sad this morning thinking about how he's with someone else? As if he's going to be ANY different with someone else... after his first 30 days of trying to be. My head knows the truth. My heart LOVES to fantasize. It's frustrating, to say the least.
On a positive note... I have a handyman coming to my house shortly to give me a quote on doing some things I've needed to have done for quite a while. That's one thing that makes me feel like I'm doing something good to take care of myself. Of course these are very small things that the x said he'd do a year ago and of course, he didn't do. How many times did he lie to me? Really. And I wake up missing him and feeling sad that he's with someone else? Where's the sense in that? Is anyone else recognizing themselves in the way I respond to the effects of this disease, before recovery, of course? I feel like such a brat on here sometimes, because I am not married to an A... I don't have children with him, etc.... so I guess I see that my problem is much less serious than a lot of people's problems. But my choosing these types of relationships is really a huge issue that I have to overcome if I want to live a happy, healthy life. No more ignoring red flags when I see them. Gosh.
I thank you all for your input and your patience.
-- Edited by WhewWee on Friday 14th of April 2017 07:23:09 AM
I remember having a phone conversation with my sponsor. and my brain was doing its thing. I must have said the same thing over multiple times and she finally shouted STOP!
STOP STOP STOP
I was a bit shocked, where's the love?!!
Then she said, "Look around you. Do you even know where you are? or what the weather looks like right now? what color is the sky??"
what wondrous love is this
so when life is feeling unmanageable today, I have learned that I stand at the turning point... I can continue to obsess over the noise noise noise in my brain getting nowhere, or I can take steps to quiet that storm with God who is silent. Often for me, it looks like a mindful walk out in nature to take in the beauty as she taught me to that day.... get mindful in this moment again, it begins with just one step.
Also when I am going through "crisis" I take steps to get to many more meetings... at least 7 meetings in 7 days... because my brain computer needs uploading... new thoughts please! and this is the easiest way for me to do it. I find myself sitting with those who are like me and that connection feels good, no longer alone.
Even after my alcoholic relationship ended, I committed myself to Al-anon because I had met too many women COMING BACK after they had gone on to chose yet another alcoholic. I didn't want it to happen to me. and yet it did. I found myself with another addict for about a year. why do we do that?
the wisdom gained in the 12 steps is priceless.
Oh my gosh, thank you all. You've all been such a blessing. My mom drove up to see me today and we had a good ol' closet cleaning session and freed up some space for some new clothes. ;) We went out to eat and talked, talked, talked... of course. I've discovered that my grief comes in waves.... much like nausea does when you're sick. It's just about as fun, too... as you all know.
((((Iamhere))) and ((((hotrod))), what is an asset list?
((((Jayla)))), thank you. I hate jealousy so much. It's so destructive to your self esteem, you know? I think you're right that maybe I do know that it's better to suffer through missing him and thinking about him being with other people, than to turn around in another couple more years and be twice as hurt when I have to let him go because he's somehow hurt me then. You know? Ugh. Life's hard. I definitely need to lay off the relationships for a great while.
((((2HP))) you nailed my emotions. I swear, the thinking, thinking, thinking part may be worse than the jealousy part. I don't know. It's all a jumbled bag of stupidity. Any way you look at it.
I'll be so thankful to learn better coping skills.
Thank you all again for being here.
-- Edited by WhewWee on Friday 14th of April 2017 06:08:36 PM
I am a huge fan of closet cleaning. I have always been anal, so cleaning a closet, a drawer, a room, the garage, etc. are things I enjoy doing as I see 'a mess', progress and then an improved ending.....while I can not control other people, places and things, I can certainly control how I spend my energy.
So glad you got to spend time with your momma! Enjoy the day!
Whatever the future holds you have something very valuable .. you are learning your worth, you are learning about you, you have a choice to continue as things were or to take a different road.
Being single I have met some lovely men .. some not so much .. I have learned terms such as benching, ghosting and so on .. I did not want to learn about that .. however ehe .. it is what it is and I am wiser than I was going in to all of it. One of the lovely men I met is definitely an A and we are still friends .. nothing romantic ever developed .. there had been talk .. I realized for me and for him .. we were not suited .. it doesn't make him less lovely he has been there for me in ways that my XAH has not and only as a friend. He drives me crazy on his political/religious views and sometimes calls me with a drunk rant .. sometimes I enjoy the exchange for just what it is nothing more .. my friend is hurting and lonely and just needs someone to listen. I chastise him gently about his health and he loves it. LOL. He calls me his nun .. long story there .. LOL.
Alanon and open AA meetings have taught me to see what is for me and what is not .. I have zero desire to repeat these lessons so when I see the warning signs, red flags and so on .. this is not an invitation to engage in a relationship that will not only devastate me .. probably not healthy for the other person either .. I can love someone to death, .. slowly .. legally and out of the goodness of my heart because I am that selfish. Yup .. there it is .. I am selfish .. I love someone to their detriment because I feel so little about myself .. now that statement is not true today .. although I can go there in the split second of a heart beat.
So good on you moving forward and doing for you .. your XAB isn't a bad guy .. sick guy .. TOTALLY .. healthy for a relationship .. ehe .. probably not and looking back with time you will see blatantly how truly not ok he is/was whatever .. you can be in a different place if you choose .. no one else does the work you do.
One of my first meetings I was told not to sit on the pity pot that my butt got glued to it .. yup .. LOL .. I was totally outraged and guess what .. I totally needed to hear it because the God of my understanding tends to have a wicked sense of humor and while love and patience is unconditional I KNOW spends a lot of time with His hand over his face shaking his head gently laughing going .. seriously child you want to have another round of self induced pain .. please stop. LOL.
To which I shake my head get out the glue remover and figure out how to move forward.
Hugs S :)