I attended my first meeting on Monday and my second last evening. I'm hopeful that being in a supportive environment will help me work through my issues. It has been exhausting trying to keep up an appearance of normalcy. Like many families, problems weren't talked about much in my family; everyone was just expected to quietly deal with it. I'm sure I took many of the coping strategies of growing up with an alcoholic parent into my marriage. I divorced an alcoholic husband after 20 years of marriage, but have been married to another for the past 15, so I know I have lots of work ahead. I just want to end the constant worry and find some peace.
My husband, who is trying (again) to quiet drinking on his own, has seemed to be supportive of my need to seek help. However, this morning he seemed to challenge me, saying that I would become obsessed with meetings, reading the literature, etc.. I am concerned that he is at least partly right because I do tend to want to just jump in and get things done, but I am trying to see my need to be in control as both a blessing and a curse. I am making a conscious effort not to get into arguments with him, but he has already thrown it in my face that I seem disinterested in talking. However, the things he is talking about (his childhood, feeling inferior, etc.) are a pity party and don't really require a response on my part. I'm trying to be kind and compassionate, but I think he is trying to engage me in an argument, not just talk. He is sober all day, but I know once he starts drinking, he will just keep provoking me to argue. Nothing I say then will be right and my only choice would be to leave the house.
We live in a rural area with no neighbors close by. There isn't really a safe place where I can just get away for a walk I have no family here, and while I have acquaintances, I have isolated myself from having any real friends I can go to. I need to have a plan for what to do if he gets on one of his rants. He will be just as angry if I try not to respond to him or if I try to appease him, if that even makes sense. The only plan I can come up with is to stash a change of clothes under my car seat, keep gas in my car, and enough money for a couple meals. As far as where to go, I'm pretty much limited to roaming around in a mall or sitting in a parking lot somewhere. Any suggestions from those who have had a similar situation would be appreciated.
Iamhere said
Apr 13, 2017
Welcome to MIP Lee51 - so glad you found us and so glad that you shared. Love that you've already been to some meetings - keep going and hopefully you'll get some phone numbers. I'm not rural but I had isolated myself in trying to fix/control the disease and had to 'start over' in many areas. I now consider many I met in the rooms of Al-Anon my friends. We go out to eat, meet for coffee, exchange text messages/phone calls, and just support each other however we can!
I have chilled in parking lots, churchs, gyms, and even junior high/high school sporting events. Places I can/could go that were free and close by and just get away. I've also buried myself in closet cleaning here or laundry, or a good book. It's difficult to detach in the beginning but with experience and practice, it does get better. Mine also reacted negatively when I began detaching and then they embraced it over time - things did get better for me when I could detach from them/their behavior and disease.
Keep coming back here too - there is help and hope in recovery!
Lee51 said
Apr 13, 2017
Thanks for your response. Sad as it is, I'm glad to know my plan doesn't sound so lame. I did go to coffee with two women from the group following last night's meeting. It was nice to be able to just sit and talk a little without having to put up any pretense. Just knowing I'm not going this alone is huge for me. Peace.
hotrod said
Apr 13, 2017
Hi Lee I have found the library, a museum, or the zoo a lovely place to go when i needed to get away. Glad you went for coffee after the meetings
Lee51 said
Apr 13, 2017
No zoo or museum nearby, but there is a library about 30 miles away. Might be a good choice when I feel I need to be gone for awhile. Thanks!
SerenityRUS said
Apr 13, 2017
I spent a LOT of time in my car at the grocery store. I understand your quandary .. I lived in a smallish town with 4 weekly meetings and I know some rural areas have less. I mean maybe you can just sit and relax with a small pop at the local fast food place .. I understand that's not always an option .. as you go to meetings and get to know people .. my relationships with others changed a great deal.
Hugs S :)
Freetime said
Apr 13, 2017
Hi Lee51,
I understand the feeling of being stuck in the house in this situation. I also kept an overnight bag in my car. I started making a list of places I could go, as you are doing now. I was fortunate that sometimes I could go to a hotel for a few nights, and that I had a job that was my escape during the day. Al-Anon meetings, too, were such a relief.
In my opinion, there's nothing wrong with a healthy obsession with all things Al-Anon at this point in time. I just dove into the literature, and for about a year or more, I wasn't interested in reading anything else other than 12-Step or alcoholism related material. I bought all the Al-Anon books.
I'm so glad to hear you are beginning to connect with the other women in your Al-Anon meeting. Take their phone numbers, if they are willing. They will be a godsend.
Welcome to the way out of despair and the way in to joy.
Lee51 said
Apr 13, 2017
Thanks for replying. It helps to know others have been where I am and have gotten past it!
MissM said
Apr 13, 2017
I started out with a bag in the car for emergencies. And slept in the car a few times which was just awful. Eventually I realised that the bottom line was, I just didn't HAVE a safe exit plan an the worry of it was nagging at me all the time.
I ceased living with him, in the end because there just wasn't a failsafe option. I thought that was unthinkable at first, but it turned out OK. Don't be afraid to examine the option, if you really feel trapped by his drunk-behaviour. You have the right to make yourself safe and secure!!!
Jerry F said
Apr 13, 2017
Aloha Lee...friends in the fellowship were good for me as I came to understand that we all pretty much go thru movement the same way so making friends with others in recovery gave me a nice sized group I could ask to participate with me. We would do lunches, brunches and mini meetings with our literature everywhere and anywhere we could be confidential. We had fun in recovery and my alcoholic/addict didn't do much in reaction other than jealous fear. She didn't have to and then she didn't have to drink and use either. Ohhhh well. (((((hugs)))))
Lee51 said
Apr 13, 2017
Thank you for sharing. I felt so foolish that I didn't know anywhere to go, but after hearing from others who did the same thing, I'm wondering just how many other people were sitting out there those nights for the same reason
Lee51 said
Apr 13, 2017
I admire your courage. I've never spent the night in my car, but have stayed gone long enough for him to go to sleep. I don't know that my getting help with ever lead to him wanting help, but I guess that's what most people hope for. Right now I'm trying to focus on the part that I can do something about and am trying to just have faith that the process will steer me in the right direction to make the right choices. Thanks for your response.
Lee51 said
Apr 13, 2017
Isolation has been an issue in our relationship. We both have coworkers, and have mutual friends at church that we occasionally go out to dinner with, but the drinking at home pretty much nixes the idea of having people over. Foolishly, I became less inclined to go anywhere without him, thinking I could persuade him not to drink so much, and being afraid of what I would come home to. It was refreshing to just sit and have coffee realizing these women weren't judging me and knew the answers aren't as simple as they might seem. Thanks for replying. Peace.
I attended my first meeting on Monday and my second last evening. I'm hopeful that being in a supportive environment will help me work through my issues. It has been exhausting trying to keep up an appearance of normalcy. Like many families, problems weren't talked about much in my family; everyone was just expected to quietly deal with it. I'm sure I took many of the coping strategies of growing up with an alcoholic parent into my marriage. I divorced an alcoholic husband after 20 years of marriage, but have been married to another for the past 15, so I know I have lots of work ahead. I just want to end the constant worry and find some peace.
My husband, who is trying (again) to quiet drinking on his own, has seemed to be supportive of my need to seek help. However, this morning he seemed to challenge me, saying that I would become obsessed with meetings, reading the literature, etc.. I am concerned that he is at least partly right because I do tend to want to just jump in and get things done, but I am trying to see my need to be in control as both a blessing and a curse. I am making a conscious effort not to get into arguments with him, but he has already thrown it in my face that I seem disinterested in talking. However, the things he is talking about (his childhood, feeling inferior, etc.) are a pity party and don't really require a response on my part. I'm trying to be kind and compassionate, but I think he is trying to engage me in an argument, not just talk. He is sober all day, but I know once he starts drinking, he will just keep provoking me to argue. Nothing I say then will be right and my only choice would be to leave the house.
We live in a rural area with no neighbors close by. There isn't really a safe place where I can just get away for a walk I have no family here, and while I have acquaintances, I have isolated myself from having any real friends I can go to. I need to have a plan for what to do if he gets on one of his rants. He will be just as angry if I try not to respond to him or if I try to appease him, if that even makes sense. The only plan I can come up with is to stash a change of clothes under my car seat, keep gas in my car, and enough money for a couple meals. As far as where to go, I'm pretty much limited to roaming around in a mall or sitting in a parking lot somewhere. Any suggestions from those who have had a similar situation would be appreciated.
I have chilled in parking lots, churchs, gyms, and even junior high/high school sporting events. Places I can/could go that were free and close by and just get away. I've also buried myself in closet cleaning here or laundry, or a good book. It's difficult to detach in the beginning but with experience and practice, it does get better. Mine also reacted negatively when I began detaching and then they embraced it over time - things did get better for me when I could detach from them/their behavior and disease.
Keep coming back here too - there is help and hope in recovery!
Thanks for your response. Sad as it is, I'm glad to know my plan doesn't sound so lame. I did go to coffee with two women from the group following last night's meeting. It was nice to be able to just sit and talk a little without having to put up any pretense. Just knowing I'm not going this alone is huge for me. Peace.
No zoo or museum nearby, but there is a library about 30 miles away. Might be a good choice when I feel I need to be gone for awhile. Thanks!
Hugs S :)
I understand the feeling of being stuck in the house in this situation. I also kept an overnight bag in my car. I started making a list of places I could go, as you are doing now. I was fortunate that sometimes I could go to a hotel for a few nights, and that I had a job that was my escape during the day. Al-Anon meetings, too, were such a relief.
In my opinion, there's nothing wrong with a healthy obsession with all things Al-Anon at this point in time. I just dove into the literature, and for about a year or more, I wasn't interested in reading anything else other than 12-Step or alcoholism related material. I bought all the Al-Anon books.
I'm so glad to hear you are beginning to connect with the other women in your Al-Anon meeting. Take their phone numbers, if they are willing. They will be a godsend.
Welcome to the way out of despair and the way in to joy.
Thanks for replying. It helps to know others have been where I am and have gotten past it!
I ceased living with him, in the end because there just wasn't a failsafe option. I thought that was unthinkable at first, but it turned out OK. Don't be afraid to examine the option, if you really feel trapped by his drunk-behaviour. You have the right to make yourself safe and secure!!!
Aloha Lee...friends in the fellowship were good for me as I came to understand that we all pretty much go thru movement the same way so making friends with others in recovery gave me a nice sized group I could ask to participate with me. We would do lunches, brunches and mini meetings with our literature everywhere and anywhere we could be confidential. We had fun in recovery and my alcoholic/addict didn't do much in reaction other than jealous fear. She didn't have to and then she didn't have to drink and use either. Ohhhh well. (((((hugs)))))
Thank you for sharing. I felt so foolish that I didn't know anywhere to go, but after hearing from others who did the same thing, I'm wondering just how many other people were sitting out there those nights for the same reason
I admire your courage. I've never spent the night in my car, but have stayed gone long enough for him to go to sleep. I don't know that my getting help with ever lead to him wanting help, but I guess that's what most people hope for. Right now I'm trying to focus on the part that I can do something about and am trying to just have faith that the process will steer me in the right direction to make the right choices. Thanks for your response.
Isolation has been an issue in our relationship. We both have coworkers, and have mutual friends at church that we occasionally go out to dinner with, but the drinking at home pretty much nixes the idea of having people over. Foolishly, I became less inclined to go anywhere without him, thinking I could persuade him not to drink so much, and being afraid of what I would come home to. It was refreshing to just sit and have coffee realizing these women weren't judging me and knew the answers aren't as simple as they might seem. Thanks for replying. Peace.