I am trying to apply program tools to all areas of my life; I want to improve all relationships and be the best me that I can.
I am really struggling with my brother and his obvious disinterest in what is happening here with his family; meaning our elderly mother and myself. He lives out of state and comes to visit about 1-2 times a year; he's about a 7 hour drive away.
What I thought was a benign health issue has turned into needing radiation treatments. Several weeks ago I texted him to tell about the treatment decision. He texted back saying he got the message and would send me an email. Never heard from him again. Has not once called or texted to ask if I started or how it's going or how I am.
Our mother went into the hospital for a couple of days a couple of weeks ago. I texted him and his response was she wanted attention. He never contacted me or her again to see what happened! This just blows my mind!
So, again, trying to pull in my Alanon tools of not having expectations of others, Live and Let Live, Let Go and Let God, the Serenity Prayer, etc.
I don't want to be retaliatory and say I'm not going to contact him. I don't want to be sarcastic about not hearing from him, because I can't picture that going well. However, I also don't like that I need to chase him down with information! I can only imagine that he knows he'll hear if it's serious, but not to even TEXT: " How's it going? How's mom?" I am amazed there is no curiosity on his part!
I want to do the next right thing, but I am struggling with what that is. I have been praying for guidance. Any thoughts on how to further apply our program?
Thanks and hugs!
Ellen
el-cee said
Apr 13, 2017
I see it as our symptoms lead us into this type of thinking. We have this set of beliefs about how others should conduct themselves and when they don't behave our way we might see it as wrong and judge them. I'm not sure where this comes from. I mean if your anything like I was i had no right to judge anyone. The choices I made the bad behaviours I had and yet I had one eye on others maybe to deflect myself away from my own inside issues. Your brother may be doing whatever is good for him in this moment. Some people run far from health issues in others through fear. Maybe he isnt close to his mother. Who knows. It's not really important for you to know. It's not really your business. Your business is you. What is it inside you that feels the need to have people places and things look like you want?
el-cee said
Apr 13, 2017
P.s. I totally understand i have a resentment about someone something every other day. The good thing for us we get to use this program to take their power away.x
hotrod said
Apr 13, 2017
Hi Ellen, I do hear you and have experienced a similar situation . I used detachment and decided to update the person even though i resented their apparent lack of concern. I was tempted to be sarcastic but overcame that defect and simply reported the process and outcome . Most importantly I completely let go of expectations-- It worked.
SerenityRUS said
Apr 13, 2017
El hugs hugs and hugs .. I'm so glad too hear you are getting your health issues addressed. Based upon my experience watching people grieve (i worked at a funeral home) sometimes a saw things from the beginning of the whole process and sometimes it was at the end. The biggest lesson I took away from that job is everyone handles fear differently. Sometimes what people would say at a funeral was horrible .. Well meaning however horrible. I think with any illness the idea of losing a loved one is real facing mortality is frightening. Add to that no chipping skills?? Holy moly a plethora of anxiety fear anger and so on. Should your brother text .. YES .. Can you make him? No. Keep the door open and share the pertanate information .. Just let him know you love him .. My sponsors adult children stayed out of her life until she was sick .. It hurt her so badly .. She would say I have to let them be where they are instead of berating them for not calling .. She said I love you thanks for calling. They rallied For her and were there when it mattered to her the most. She had no idea that Would transpire the way It did and it gave her peace. She never shut the door on them. Hugs s :)
2HP said
Apr 13, 2017
Great replies already, just want to validate that I can have the same thinking problem, the thought that "things should NOT look like this"
... that particular thought circulating in my head like a hamster on its wheel.... round and round and round. makes me suffer.
You absolutely know the solution, you listed it in your post. It is the SUBSTITUTION for those thoughts... this is the usefulness of the slogans and prayers and affirmation and they are useless if I don't use them. This is what gives my brain something else to chew on and is the LET GO LET GOD at work.
And I have to work it constantly. Thought comes up.... slogan comes in..... I practice LETTING GO LETTING GOD all day long. No failure, no shame to me, this is just how it works for a life recovering God.
I know as soon as I start "should-ing" on someone I am attempting to gain CONTROL. and I get so frustrated because it is a battle I cannot win, I just cannot seem too whip people into shape... cannot direct the show the way I want it to go.... I just don't have the power.
A few weeks ago, I had a girls night-out with my sisters. During the course of a lovely dinner, one sister literally said she believes she will be "relieved" when Mom is dead. My other sister readily agreed.
GULP
I fell silent. I felt sadness yet compassion. Al-anon taught me I am responsible for my side of the street... to try to understand others rather than change them so I didn't go there, I just accepted her where she is... (a miracle.) Her karma with mom is between her and mom. My karma with mom is between me and mom.
It is not my world to direct, it is God's.
There is a funny cartoon out that shows someone complaining to God about "them"
And God replies,
"Just be kind to everyone...
I'll sort them all out later."
lol
-- Edited by 2HP on Thursday 13th of April 2017 10:27:51 AM
Bo said
Apr 13, 2017
El wrote:
I am trying to apply program tools to all areas of my life; I want to improve all relationships and be the best me that I can.
I am really struggling with my brother and his obvious disinterest in what is happening here with his family; meaning our elderly mother and myself. He lives out of state and comes to visit about 1-2 times a year; he's about a 7 hour drive away.
What I thought was a benign health issue has turned into needing radiation treatments. Several weeks ago I texted him to tell about the treatment decision. He texted back saying he got the message and would send me an email. Never heard from him again. Has not once called or texted to ask if I started or how it's going or how I am.
Our mother went into the hospital for a couple of days a couple of weeks ago. I texted him and his response was she wanted attention. He never contacted me or her again to see what happened! This just blows my mind!
So, again, trying to pull in my Alanon tools of not having expectations of others, Live and Let Live, Let Go and Let God, the Serenity Prayer, etc.
I don't want to be retaliatory and say I'm not going to contact him. I don't want to be sarcastic about not hearing from him, because I can't picture that going well. However, I also don't like that I need to chase him down with information! I can only imagine that he knows he'll hear if it's serious, but not to even TEXT: " How's it going? How's mom?" I am amazed there is no curiosity on his part!
I want to do the next right thing, but I am struggling with what that is. I have been praying for guidance. Any thoughts on how to further apply our program?
Thanks and hugs!
Ellen
When talking about Step 1, being powerless, surrendering, and related elements -- I often say we are powerless over people, places, and things. Yes, I've often heard people say "well, you had an expectation" and they go on to explain all that means. Sure, we can have high hopes and low expectations, we can temper our expectations and truly embrace acceptance and what/why having expectations can mean to us. I get it. However, expectations are sometimes unavoidable. They can be all over the place -- from an incident, from an interaction, anywhere.
When I struggle with "what to do" or taking action -- communication with another person who is perhaps unhealthy or is difficult -- I stick to the fundamentals, the basics. One, I keep it simple. I keep it focused, pointed, and try not to create a communication that prompts some back and forth drama. Two, I ask the question. Period. No comments or preambles. I ask. If I have information to offer or provide -- same -- I keep it simple. Very pointed, clear, concise. I make sure that my providing information is not the catalyst for a verbal, text, etc., ping-pong match. Why? Because if the other person hits me the ping-pong ball...then I just put down the paddle. No more ping-pong.
Once I start to think about why the other person doesn't ask, wants to know, etc. -- that's me not minding my own business. Whatever they do, that's on them. I keep my side of the street clean. I will provide information even if it's not asked for, if it's the "right thing to do" -- and I feel good about it. Don't judge. Don't look for excuses. Don't focus on the other person. Just do what you need to do. Send a text, provide an update. Let it go -- your feelings of why he is not even just curious. Not your monkey and not your circus. Send your text. All the best.
Iamhere said
Apr 13, 2017
(((El))) - positive thoughts and prayers headed your way! I can so relate - I have 3 brothers and I am often left SMH over their reactions (or lack of) when I share news. I am the only girl and get 3 very different answers/reactions/responses to 'news'...
I do agree with serenity - everybody processes and grieves differently and at their own pace. I have one of the three who reaches out to me intermittently and that's because he had a mid-life crisis and realized he'd been blowing off his family forever. Out of guilt and remorse, he began reaching out and continues as desired. What I do cherish is I have become his 'woman coach' and he's been married/divorced 3x.....*sigh* - we have been working on that - he's a great, great guy - he just has a broken picker (sound familiar?)...
Another brother (closest in age) has not forgiven me for my actions when I was active in the disease. I made amends and he's cordial but my disease and choices fractured that relationship deeply. I'll celebrate 30 years sober in October and he's still distant. I have the deepest respect one could have for him, including his choice to remain distant but cordial.
The last one is a fruit cake kind of guy. He's the oldest and I'm the youngest. He's late for everything including dinners and funerals....I'm anal, punctual and we are very, very different. Yet, he will send a gift card for my birthday or thank me for taking care of our parents or other kind gestures when he feels like it.....he just makes me smile - he lives 2 hours from my parents yet they call me for issues because he's in his own world.
What I learned in the program is I am powerless over others but have power over my attitudes and outlooks. I had to be taught to look for what is good and working in my life/relationships/other instead of what is broken. There are no perfect marriages, families, brothers, sisters, answers, etc. - we are all using what we got to do our best. Even when my eyeballs do the roll because others are acting way different than I think/would, I am nudged by my HP that they are supposed to be different and we are all good in our own way.
What I also cherish is I have a super-sized family in recovery. Most of the times, I turn to them first - they are my tribe and they get me. I am supported and fulfilled more by my adopted family than my own at times. This is perfectly OK and part of God's plan.
So - sorry that he's 'who he is' - lean into us, your local support and anyone else who's willing to help/support you! I have laughed in the past at my family - looking for support, understanding and love 'there' is like that country song - "I was looking for love in all the wrong places...."
Be gentle with you and know we're here for you!
El said
Apr 13, 2017
Thank you so much for all the thoughtful and understanding responses. No one "gets it" like the alanon family. Thank you, thank you.
I took away so much ESH from each of your posts and it was so helpful to me. Every response gave me something to think about. I was stuck between knowing what would be the right thing and my anger over my brother not behaving as I would.
I did send an email......too much info for a text.....but I kept it simple. There were no judgements, sarcasm or accusations from me. I didn't make it sound like he needed to get back to me on it...I was just updating him on what has gone on since the last time we texted. I feel so much better! I did "the next right thing" for me and now can let it go. No expectations of a return correspondence....I did my thing.
Love and hugs to you all! Your responses actually made me want to cry.....in a good way of course!
I am trying to apply program tools to all areas of my life; I want to improve all relationships and be the best me that I can.
I am really struggling with my brother and his obvious disinterest in what is happening here with his family; meaning our elderly mother and myself. He lives out of state and comes to visit about 1-2 times a year; he's about a 7 hour drive away.
What I thought was a benign health issue has turned into needing radiation treatments. Several weeks ago I texted him to tell about the treatment decision. He texted back saying he got the message and would send me an email. Never heard from him again. Has not once called or texted to ask if I started or how it's going or how I am.
Our mother went into the hospital for a couple of days a couple of weeks ago. I texted him and his response was she wanted attention. He never contacted me or her again to see what happened! This just blows my mind!
So, again, trying to pull in my Alanon tools of not having expectations of others, Live and Let Live, Let Go and Let God, the Serenity Prayer, etc.
I don't want to be retaliatory and say I'm not going to contact him. I don't want to be sarcastic about not hearing from him, because I can't picture that going well. However, I also don't like that I need to chase him down with information! I can only imagine that he knows he'll hear if it's serious, but not to even TEXT: " How's it going? How's mom?" I am amazed there is no curiosity on his part!
I want to do the next right thing, but I am struggling with what that is. I have been praying for guidance. Any thoughts on how to further apply our program?
Thanks and hugs!
Ellen
Great replies already, just want to validate that I can have the same thinking problem, the thought that "things should NOT look like this"
... that particular thought circulating in my head like a hamster on its wheel.... round and round and round. makes me suffer.
You absolutely know the solution, you listed it in your post. It is the SUBSTITUTION for those thoughts... this is the usefulness of the slogans and prayers and affirmation and they are useless if I don't use them. This is what gives my brain something else to chew on and is the LET GO LET GOD at work.
And I have to work it constantly. Thought comes up.... slogan comes in..... I practice LETTING GO LETTING GOD all day long. No failure, no shame to me, this is just how it works for a life recovering God.
I know as soon as I start "should-ing" on someone I am attempting to gain CONTROL. and I get so frustrated because it is a battle I cannot win, I just cannot seem too whip people into shape... cannot direct the show the way I want it to go.... I just don't have the power.
A few weeks ago, I had a girls night-out with my sisters. During the course of a lovely dinner, one sister literally said she believes she will be "relieved" when Mom is dead. My other sister readily agreed.
GULP
I fell silent. I felt sadness yet compassion. Al-anon taught me I am responsible for my side of the street... to try to understand others rather than change them so I didn't go there, I just accepted her where she is... (a miracle.) Her karma with mom is between her and mom. My karma with mom is between me and mom.
It is not my world to direct, it is God's.
There is a funny cartoon out that shows someone complaining to God about "them"
And God replies,
"Just be kind to everyone...
I'll sort them all out later."
lol
-- Edited by 2HP on Thursday 13th of April 2017 10:27:51 AM
When talking about Step 1, being powerless, surrendering, and related elements -- I often say we are powerless over people, places, and things. Yes, I've often heard people say "well, you had an expectation" and they go on to explain all that means. Sure, we can have high hopes and low expectations, we can temper our expectations and truly embrace acceptance and what/why having expectations can mean to us. I get it. However, expectations are sometimes unavoidable. They can be all over the place -- from an incident, from an interaction, anywhere.
When I struggle with "what to do" or taking action -- communication with another person who is perhaps unhealthy or is difficult -- I stick to the fundamentals, the basics. One, I keep it simple. I keep it focused, pointed, and try not to create a communication that prompts some back and forth drama. Two, I ask the question. Period. No comments or preambles. I ask. If I have information to offer or provide -- same -- I keep it simple. Very pointed, clear, concise. I make sure that my providing information is not the catalyst for a verbal, text, etc., ping-pong match. Why? Because if the other person hits me the ping-pong ball...then I just put down the paddle. No more ping-pong.
Once I start to think about why the other person doesn't ask, wants to know, etc. -- that's me not minding my own business. Whatever they do, that's on them. I keep my side of the street clean. I will provide information even if it's not asked for, if it's the "right thing to do" -- and I feel good about it. Don't judge. Don't look for excuses. Don't focus on the other person. Just do what you need to do. Send a text, provide an update. Let it go -- your feelings of why he is not even just curious. Not your monkey and not your circus. Send your text. All the best.
I do agree with serenity - everybody processes and grieves differently and at their own pace. I have one of the three who reaches out to me intermittently and that's because he had a mid-life crisis and realized he'd been blowing off his family forever. Out of guilt and remorse, he began reaching out and continues as desired. What I do cherish is I have become his 'woman coach' and he's been married/divorced 3x.....*sigh* - we have been working on that - he's a great, great guy - he just has a broken picker (sound familiar?)...
Another brother (closest in age) has not forgiven me for my actions when I was active in the disease. I made amends and he's cordial but my disease and choices fractured that relationship deeply. I'll celebrate 30 years sober in October and he's still distant. I have the deepest respect one could have for him, including his choice to remain distant but cordial.
The last one is a fruit cake kind of guy. He's the oldest and I'm the youngest. He's late for everything including dinners and funerals....I'm anal, punctual and we are very, very different. Yet, he will send a gift card for my birthday or thank me for taking care of our parents or other kind gestures when he feels like it.....he just makes me smile - he lives 2 hours from my parents yet they call me for issues because he's in his own world.
What I learned in the program is I am powerless over others but have power over my attitudes and outlooks. I had to be taught to look for what is good and working in my life/relationships/other instead of what is broken. There are no perfect marriages, families, brothers, sisters, answers, etc. - we are all using what we got to do our best. Even when my eyeballs do the roll because others are acting way different than I think/would, I am nudged by my HP that they are supposed to be different and we are all good in our own way.
What I also cherish is I have a super-sized family in recovery. Most of the times, I turn to them first - they are my tribe and they get me. I am supported and fulfilled more by my adopted family than my own at times. This is perfectly OK and part of God's plan.
So - sorry that he's 'who he is' - lean into us, your local support and anyone else who's willing to help/support you! I have laughed in the past at my family - looking for support, understanding and love 'there' is like that country song - "I was looking for love in all the wrong places...."
Be gentle with you and know we're here for you!
Thank you so much for all the thoughtful and understanding responses. No one "gets it" like the alanon family. Thank you, thank you.
I took away so much ESH from each of your posts and it was so helpful to me. Every response gave me something to think about. I was stuck between knowing what would be the right thing and my anger over my brother not behaving as I would.
I did send an email......too much info for a text.....but I kept it simple. There were no judgements, sarcasm or accusations from me. I didn't make it sound like he needed to get back to me on it...I was just updating him on what has gone on since the last time we texted. I feel so much better! I did "the next right thing" for me and now can let it go. No expectations of a return correspondence....I did my thing.
Love and hugs to you all! Your responses actually made me want to cry.....in a good way of course!
Ellen