My abf broke up with me. I'm not surprised. I've been trying to detach for a while, because I know this is ultimately what's best for me. I couldn't even say that I would have fallen in even the top four things that matter to him in his life. He had no future plans for us. I could tell that he didn't truly care about whatever was happening in my life on any given day. Half the time, he wouldn't remember our conversations. He lied to me, probably more times than I even knew about. So why is this so difficult, then? It just does not make good sense that I'd be hurting so much.
SerenityRUS said
Apr 12, 2017
Hugs ..
Welcome and glad you are here. I hope you can find some relief in some of the shares as well as possibly finding a meeting somewhere in your area.
Rejection hurts and I was just talking with a co-worker about being the dumper has it's own difficulties .. the dumper already knows what's going on .. the dumpee is the one left holding the bag even if the dumper is not the best for them. It feels so incredibly personal to be dumped .. it is and it isn't .. I think I always go back to the whole Seinfeld deal where George is giving the it's not you it's me speech about dumping.
What I learned in my breakup and break down of my marriage was to stop taking life so personally .. did I want to let life happen .. or did I want to live it with goals and my own aspirations. Alanon was a great place for me to be because I did not pick my XAH by accident .. I fully looked for the most emotionally unavailable man there was and said that's him .. that's the one I want .. I did not listen to anything else .. including him. Honestly .. it wasn't fair.
Here's the cool part of the deal .. I learned about me in the past 5 years since our split .. I'm letting a lot more go .. I have learned what is and is not important to me. Finding me was incredibly priceless.
So I just want you to know there is hope .. there is less hurt and there is finding out that there is life after or during the relationship with an A.
Keep coming back .. hugs S :)
WhewWee said
Apr 12, 2017
Thank you for your kind, wise words! I'm sorry for what you went through. I'm going to my first face to face meeting tomorrow night. I so hope I find my tribe there. Oh my gosh, I need the help learning to detach.
I fully understand what you mean when you said you looked for the most unavailable man. It's not as if I didn't know the same when I met my X. I saw red flags and ignored them. I knew he didn't feel the same about me from the get go, yet I ignored that gut instinct and stayed with him. Why? Am I that much of a glutton for punishment? I thought I was a smart woman. I'm starting to wonder, I swear.
hotrod said
Apr 12, 2017
(((WhewWee))) Welcome You are not alone and there is hope and help available . Please do search out alanon meetings and attend , you will be supported on this painful journey and find new constructive tools to live by .
Keep comng back.
WhewWee said
Apr 12, 2017
Thank you so much!
Iamhere said
Apr 12, 2017
I too welcome you to MIP WhewWee - I did find my tribe in Al-Anon and that was the beginning of my recovery journey. Just be gentle with you, and know that we're all about progress and not perfection.
Keep coming back - I'm with Betty - there is hope and help in recovery!!
WhewWee said
Apr 12, 2017
Iamhere wrote:
I too welcome you to MIP WhewWee - I did find my tribe in Al-Anon and that was the beginning of my recovery journey. Just be gentle with you, and know that we're all about progress and not perfection.
Keep coming back - I'm with Betty - there is hope and help in recovery!!
Thank you so much. I will. Your words give me hope that I will find the same!
WhewWee said
Apr 13, 2017
SerenityRUS wrote:
Hugs ..
Welcome and glad you are here. I hope you can find some relief in some of the shares as well as possibly finding a meeting somewhere in your area.
Rejection hurts and I was just talking with a co-worker about being the dumper has it's own difficulties .. the dumper already knows what's going on .. the dumpee is the one left holding the bag even if the dumper is not the best for them. It feels so incredibly personal to be dumped .. it is and it isn't .. I think I always go back to the whole Seinfeld deal where George is giving the it's not you it's me speech about dumping.
What I learned in my breakup and break down of my marriage was to stop taking life so personally .. did I want to let life happen .. or did I want to live it with goals and my own aspirations. Alanon was a great place for me to be because I did not pick my XAH by accident .. I fully looked for the most emotionally unavailable man there was and said that's him .. that's the one I want .. I did not listen to anything else .. including him. Honestly .. it wasn't fair.
Here's the cool part of the deal .. I learned about me in the past 5 years since our split .. I'm letting a lot more go .. I have learned what is and is not important to me. Finding me was incredibly priceless.
So I just want you to know there is hope .. there is less hurt and there is finding out that there is life after or during the relationship with an A.
Keep coming back .. hugs S :)
I'm such a jumbled mess of emotions right now. Most of the time I'm incredibly sad and bawling my eyes out. Then, I have these moments where I get so angry at myself for allowing myself to get involved with someone like this... again. Do you remember ever feeling that way?
SerenityRUS said
Apr 13, 2017
LOL .. Umm .. yes .. often and it consumed me .. and boy did I act out .. I was so lovely .. NOT :)
Taking my power back .. meaning learning I was going to be ok regardless if he was drinking or not was freeing .. now .. I had to leave before I truly understood that side of the coin.
The emotions of him doing what he did and validating my biggest fear .. which was crazy thinking on my part .. I'm not loveable. I vacillated between anger and rage .. LOL .. there wasn't a lot of sadness .. I was more furious that he did this to me. He didn't do it to me. He had his part and I had mine. There were times my part was more than 50% and then others it was less than 50% .. I sure as all get out had a part.
The moments went from my emotions feeling like a tide that gentle to a sea that was storm angry. Because of my relationship with my X I still experience some of that .. it's not the drama scale it used to be .. it just is what it is .. and I'm ok with that.
They do pass and as I heal it gets better, that's the one thing I can absolutely promise that with help therapy, alanon .. it honestly gets better.
It is a situation of time taking time and I fully encourage you to focus on yourself and stay out of any new relationships to hid the hurt. I was out of my relationship for 3 1/2 years before I made the decision to be willing to date and I am dating a lovely man who happens to be human .. just like me .. oh lordy .. LOL. For me another relationship out of the gate was not positive. Alanon also suggests not making any big decisions for at least the first 6 months of program work. I lump dating in to that statement as well, or starting a new relationship a better way to put it. My picker was broken big time and I think it's still a little bent .. I can handle bent .. broken not so much :)
Keep coming back :)
WhewWee said
Apr 13, 2017
SerenityRUS wrote:
LOL .. Umm .. yes .. often and it consumed me .. and boy did I act out .. I was so lovely .. NOT :)
Taking my power back .. meaning learning I was going to be ok regardless if he was drinking or not was freeing .. now .. I had to leave before I truly understood that side of the coin.
The emotions of him doing what he did and validating my biggest fear .. which was crazy thinking on my part .. I'm not loveable. I vacillated between anger and rage .. LOL .. there wasn't a lot of sadness .. I was more furious that he did this to me. He didn't do it to me. He had his part and I had mine. There were times my part was more than 50% and then others it was less than 50% .. I sure as all get out had a part.
The moments went from my emotions feeling like a tide that gentle to a sea that was storm angry. Because of my relationship with my X I still experience some of that .. it's not the drama scale it used to be .. it just is what it is .. and I'm ok with that.
They do pass and as I heal it gets better, that's the one thing I can absolutely promise that with help therapy, alanon .. it honestly gets better.
It is a situation of time taking time and I fully encourage you to focus on yourself and stay out of any new relationships to hid the hurt. I was out of my relationship for 3 1/2 years before I made the decision to be willing to date and I am dating a lovely man who happens to be human .. just like me .. oh lordy .. LOL. For me another relationship out of the gate was not positive. Alanon also suggests not making any big decisions for at least the first 6 months of program work. I lump dating in to that statement as well, or starting a new relationship a better way to put it. My picker was broken big time and I think it's still a little bent .. I can handle bent .. broken not so much :)
Keep coming back :)
I can so relate. And I a gree with you that I need to stay out of any new relationships. I know that's what I've been doing for so long: going from one right to the next just so I don't have to feel the pain. I want to heal from all of these heartaches and just be alone for a while. Maybe I need a pet. Seriously. I've contemplated it. I wonder how many people in Alanon have inside pets? :D By the way, your posts are always so enjoyable to read. You tickle me and I so need the laughs so thank you for all your sharing.
pinkchip said
Apr 13, 2017
Because when you are the best thing in someone's life, youd think they would notice and appreciate it. But thats not how it goes with alcoholism. It feels like getting rejected by a reject. BUT...on this one, honor your feelings, but your head seems to know what is right.
My abf broke up with me. I'm not surprised. I've been trying to detach for a while, because I know this is ultimately what's best for me. I couldn't even say that I would have fallen in even the top four things that matter to him in his life. He had no future plans for us. I could tell that he didn't truly care about whatever was happening in my life on any given day. Half the time, he wouldn't remember our conversations. He lied to me, probably more times than I even knew about. So why is this so difficult, then? It just does not make good sense that I'd be hurting so much.
Welcome and glad you are here. I hope you can find some relief in some of the shares as well as possibly finding a meeting somewhere in your area.
Rejection hurts and I was just talking with a co-worker about being the dumper has it's own difficulties .. the dumper already knows what's going on .. the dumpee is the one left holding the bag even if the dumper is not the best for them. It feels so incredibly personal to be dumped .. it is and it isn't .. I think I always go back to the whole Seinfeld deal where George is giving the it's not you it's me speech about dumping.
What I learned in my breakup and break down of my marriage was to stop taking life so personally .. did I want to let life happen .. or did I want to live it with goals and my own aspirations. Alanon was a great place for me to be because I did not pick my XAH by accident .. I fully looked for the most emotionally unavailable man there was and said that's him .. that's the one I want .. I did not listen to anything else .. including him. Honestly .. it wasn't fair.
Here's the cool part of the deal .. I learned about me in the past 5 years since our split .. I'm letting a lot more go .. I have learned what is and is not important to me. Finding me was incredibly priceless.
So I just want you to know there is hope .. there is less hurt and there is finding out that there is life after or during the relationship with an A.
Keep coming back .. hugs S :)
Thank you for your kind, wise words! I'm sorry for what you went through. I'm going to my first face to face meeting tomorrow night. I so hope I find my tribe there. Oh my gosh, I need the help learning to detach.
I fully understand what you mean when you said you looked for the most unavailable man. It's not as if I didn't know the same when I met my X. I saw red flags and ignored them. I knew he didn't feel the same about me from the get go, yet I ignored that gut instinct and stayed with him. Why? Am I that much of a glutton for punishment? I thought I was a smart woman. I'm starting to wonder, I swear.
(((WhewWee))) Welcome You are not alone and there is hope and help available . Please do search out alanon meetings and attend , you will be supported on this painful journey and find new constructive tools to live by .
Keep comng back.
Keep coming back - I'm with Betty - there is hope and help in recovery!!
Thank you so much. I will. Your words give me hope that I will find the same!
I'm such a jumbled mess of emotions right now. Most of the time I'm incredibly sad and bawling my eyes out. Then, I have these moments where I get so angry at myself for allowing myself to get involved with someone like this... again. Do you remember ever feeling that way?
Taking my power back .. meaning learning I was going to be ok regardless if he was drinking or not was freeing .. now .. I had to leave before I truly understood that side of the coin.
The emotions of him doing what he did and validating my biggest fear .. which was crazy thinking on my part .. I'm not loveable. I vacillated between anger and rage .. LOL .. there wasn't a lot of sadness .. I was more furious that he did this to me. He didn't do it to me. He had his part and I had mine. There were times my part was more than 50% and then others it was less than 50% .. I sure as all get out had a part.
The moments went from my emotions feeling like a tide that gentle to a sea that was storm angry. Because of my relationship with my X I still experience some of that .. it's not the drama scale it used to be .. it just is what it is .. and I'm ok with that.
They do pass and as I heal it gets better, that's the one thing I can absolutely promise that with help therapy, alanon .. it honestly gets better.
It is a situation of time taking time and I fully encourage you to focus on yourself and stay out of any new relationships to hid the hurt. I was out of my relationship for 3 1/2 years before I made the decision to be willing to date and I am dating a lovely man who happens to be human .. just like me .. oh lordy .. LOL. For me another relationship out of the gate was not positive. Alanon also suggests not making any big decisions for at least the first 6 months of program work. I lump dating in to that statement as well, or starting a new relationship a better way to put it. My picker was broken big time and I think it's still a little bent .. I can handle bent .. broken not so much :)
Keep coming back :)
I can so relate. And I a gree with you that I need to stay out of any new relationships. I know that's what I've been doing for so long: going from one right to the next just so I don't have to feel the pain. I want to heal from all of these heartaches and just be alone for a while. Maybe I need a pet. Seriously. I've contemplated it. I wonder how many people in Alanon have inside pets? :D By the way, your posts are always so enjoyable to read. You tickle me and I so need the laughs so thank you for all your sharing.