I failed myself and my recovering AGf today... This was my first trip away from home since she finished her 90 day in house rehab. I failed and resorted to my old ways of tracking and questioning. I lost my focus. She was doing what she felt necessary for her recovery and all I could see was her going back to her damaging old ways. I realize that if anything, my actions could have sent her on a bad path, but I just couldn't stop. I do not have a sponsor yet and had no one to call to talk me down and I forgot all that I have learned.
So, when I get home I will start new and return to my beginner class, return to step 1 and try again. Tonight I pray that I will find a sponsor and that my HP will come back to me and guide me through this. I lost my way, but will beg for better days.
Jerry F said
Apr 11, 2017
Okay Rick you inventoried and have come up with a need...a sponsor. The Slogan "First things First" will work here now...Get to a meeting and start asking. Keep this situation in front of you as a discussion point and keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
Rickbrins said
Apr 12, 2017
Thank you for the encouragement, sadly I have yet to find a meeting near me with any sponsor candidates, I am widening my circle of meetings and hoping to get lucky, I will continue my search and I will start from square one with my recovery and hope to do better this time.
el-cee said
Apr 12, 2017
She's not sober because of you. She won't have been or get drunk because of you. Sorry ricky her alcoholism is much deeper and bigger than you and your disease is much deeper and bigger than her. Yeah get a sponsor work the program but not for her but for you. Your human so is she. She may get drunk she may not. What are you scared off? Find the real answer and you might get freedom.
Rickbrins said
Apr 12, 2017
Well said El-cee, I am well aware that her sobriety, continued or ended, is her doing, my biggest disappointment is with me and my recovery, I lost it yesterday, whether she did or not, and that upsets me. All signs point to her maintaining her sobriety, good for her. Where my lack of control could have been the excuse she was looking for, the worst part is that it destroyed my sense of progress. I feel that I failed myself most.
I tried very hard to prepare myself for this moment and thought I had the tools to deal with it. Not only did I lose, but I never left the starting blocks. I thought I was learning and growing, but it did not show yesterday.
I will spend the next few days trying to figure out my errors and the real reasons behind them. I will find extra meetings and pray that I get back on track.
Thank you all for being here.
Rickbrins said
Apr 12, 2017
I pride myself in being a very controlled person in my daily life, it really bothers me that I lost control so badly. I hurt today for me, not her.
KT2015 said
Apr 12, 2017
Hi Rick
Remember the slogan progress not perfection. None of us can do this program perfectly it's not possible. What is possible is to learn from your mistakes and move forward. You sound like you're being really hard on yourself. I can only imagine how it must feel living with a newly sober alcoholic because mine has never found sobriety but you can't expect yourself to suddenly be perfect so she doesn't have an excuse. Keep coming back you're doing great.
SerenityRUS said
Apr 12, 2017
Kind of thinking you really need to be gentle with you .. yes you messed up .. ok .. welcome to the human race .. you identified what you need to do differently and you are looking to rectify that .. you are never going to be perfect. Period. Good luck with that .. there will be great days and not so great days .. the good/great days will be more frequent .. I just go back to I didn't get here over night .. there's no easy button to this program .. don't justify the behavior .. just do the best you can.
Big hugs .. it really gets better ..
Rickbrins said
Apr 12, 2017
I tend to be a bit hard on myself and I know I am right now. I honestly thought that I was doing better and yesterday was a slap in the face. A wake up call to do better and work harder.
Not just this, but work also has kept me up for 28 hours... A very good time to HALT, not just with others but with myself. Sleep will surly help bring a more calm understanding of my brief successes and less than brief failures (a little less harsh?).
If I were to give myself a pep talk, I would remind me that thus was my first real test since she completed her program. I'm sure even Michael Jordan double dribbled in his first ever game. Right?
I will surely be looking for the first available meeting and getting caught up here in the mean time.
SerenityRUS said
Apr 12, 2017
Just for the record MJ wasn't even selected to play on the HS team, he got cut. ;)
Rickbrins said
Apr 12, 2017
Don't cut me, I'll try harder! Thanks, that helps!
SerenityRUS said
Apr 12, 2017
LOL .. just keep coming back .. spam would get you banned .. a bad day .. ehe .. not so much
hotrod said
Apr 12, 2017
((RB)) seeing it is half the battle. You are not in denial and have the awareness and acceptance, shared it (action ) so now forgive yourself and Let go and Let God. Recovery is a process.
el-cee said
Apr 12, 2017
I can also be hard on myself and the shortcoming I found was perfectionism a real big sabotager for me. Unrealistic expectations of me others my recovery. Then I think of the learning process and for everything it's one step forward two back. Your doing brilliantly so am I. One day it would be great to see our progress as a process and the success is the direction were heading in rather than the pace. Wouldn't it be great to be our own best friend?
Iamhere said
Apr 12, 2017
Hey Rick - I am reminded of the three As - Awareness, Acceptance and Action. I am a type A perfectionist personality person and can tell you that I took personally my slips in Al-Anon. I am so grateful that kindhearted folks who came before me were gracious and patient with me and reminded me often that I am an imperfect person living in an imperfect world. I was also told that unconditional love is impossible unless/until I bring it home first - to me.
The great gifts of this program tell me that when I 'see' what is happening (awareness), I then need to accept it for what it is (defect, slip, tired, etc.). Finally, I can take action - which I had to be told does NOT mean I solve world hunger but rather make amends if necessary including me, and do some work to see what I can do different next time.
I can be very hard on myself too. When a wise person told me that is an EGO issue, as I am assuming I should have known better (than HP), it helped me to change this. I now firmly believe that if my HP - God - intended me to be perfect, never slip, never react and never obsess, that would be my reality. Instead, he loves me enough to bring me lessons each and every day and it's my job to try and learn how to be the best version of me - not the best version of all.
Action for me doesn't include beating myself up, obsessing over why I am like I am, etc. These are my own negative coping skills I adopted over years to deal with dysfunction and this disease. Whether you see it or not, we do - you're doing great in recovery and reaching out is a huge step in the next phase of your journey!
Keep on keeping on and thanks for the post - I am reminded that it's perfectly OK to be imperfect!!! (((Hugs)))
KT2015 said
Apr 12, 2017
Just my two cents..... If I had not slept for 28 hours I know I would be a mess. That is just me and my reaction to lack of sleep but I am not in any state to make any changes, attend any meetings, make any improvements. My first action when I have lost sleep is to HALT and take care of me. After I have slept and am calm THEN I can look at taking the next step and doing the next right thing. If I were to jump full force into going to a meeting, trying harder working more on my program with a lack of sleep like that it would end badly. This is a gentle program and being gentle with yourself is a really good first step. I have changed very slowly over time. Little by little I have made progress. Pushing it all at once has never worked for me with this program. Be gentle to yourself, take care of you first and the rest will follow.
-- Edited by KT2015 on Wednesday 12th of April 2017 10:40:39 AM
2HP said
Apr 12, 2017
Thank you for sharing your journey Rick, you being an honest human helps me to be an honest human. And I just love all the shares, so much food to chew on today.
I must share how my hackles go up every time I hear about unconditional love, lol. How often do I actually love others on condition. when they say to me what I want to hear... when they feed my sense of self... when they make me feel secure... THEN I love em.
I love MYSELF on conditions too... I whip myself for the shortcomings.... I judge and criticize myself because I should've known better or I take too long.... I take merciless inventories...
when I close my heart to anyone, including myself my heart is no longer open, it is now closed. My love shuts down because the conditions weren't right.
To me, unconditional love is another definition of PERFECTION which is the Higher Power. I believe I do have a chance at experiencing love when I LET IT BEGIN WITH ME. when I quiet my self enough.... sit still long enough.... unite with love itself.... as in the 11th step.... "recovering" or gaining what had been lost in my dis-ease, the One who "is" peace, harmony, happiness and ever-increasing joy. that is the way back to serenity.
As fearful as I can be in relationships, the one thing I have decided in recovery is that one day I will be laying in the cold hard earth and the ONLY relationship that will matter then, is my relationship with Great Spirit...
And so trying to perfect my relationships.... spinning my wheels to find the perfect job.... BEFORE my loyalty to God and sincere seeking Him alone.... life is quickly unmanageable for me. they told me its like putting the cart ahead of the horse...
how well can that work?
I am sooooo smiling at your recognition of need for a sponsor! my experience is, it is just around the corner for you. when the student is ready the teacher appears and may I suggest that should the sponsor not work out for whatever reason ( I have had 3) you must know that the teacher is always God. By sincerity of our heart, we always draw it near.
your share has helped me immensely today, thank you
-- Edited by 2HP on Wednesday 12th of April 2017 11:38:45 AM
Rickbrins said
Apr 12, 2017
Thanks again for all your great replies! This is a fantastic family to have. I still have not had a chance to sleep, but this is something I am used to. But I am home and I am feeling better. I found another new meeting to try tonight and I will be there aware and willing to listen. You all are kind and have helped me get closer to the serenity that I need!
ğ
Okay Rick you inventoried and have come up with a need...a sponsor. The Slogan "First things First" will work here now...Get to a meeting and start asking. Keep this situation in front of you as a discussion point and keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
Big hugs .. it really gets better ..
((RB)) seeing it is half the battle. You are not in denial and have the awareness and acceptance, shared it (action ) so now forgive yourself and Let go and Let God. Recovery is a process.
The great gifts of this program tell me that when I 'see' what is happening (awareness), I then need to accept it for what it is (defect, slip, tired, etc.). Finally, I can take action - which I had to be told does NOT mean I solve world hunger but rather make amends if necessary including me, and do some work to see what I can do different next time.
I can be very hard on myself too. When a wise person told me that is an EGO issue, as I am assuming I should have known better (than HP), it helped me to change this. I now firmly believe that if my HP - God - intended me to be perfect, never slip, never react and never obsess, that would be my reality. Instead, he loves me enough to bring me lessons each and every day and it's my job to try and learn how to be the best version of me - not the best version of all.
Action for me doesn't include beating myself up, obsessing over why I am like I am, etc. These are my own negative coping skills I adopted over years to deal with dysfunction and this disease. Whether you see it or not, we do - you're doing great in recovery and reaching out is a huge step in the next phase of your journey!
Keep on keeping on and thanks for the post - I am reminded that it's perfectly OK to be imperfect!!! (((Hugs)))
Just my two cents..... If I had not slept for 28 hours I know I would be a mess. That is just me and my reaction to lack of sleep but I am not in any state to make any changes, attend any meetings, make any improvements. My first action when I have lost sleep is to HALT and take care of me. After I have slept and am calm THEN I can look at taking the next step and doing the next right thing. If I were to jump full force into going to a meeting, trying harder working more on my program with a lack of sleep like that it would end badly. This is a gentle program and being gentle with yourself is a really good first step. I have changed very slowly over time. Little by little I have made progress. Pushing it all at once has never worked for me with this program. Be gentle to yourself, take care of you first and the rest will follow.
-- Edited by KT2015 on Wednesday 12th of April 2017 10:40:39 AM
Thank you for sharing your journey Rick, you being an honest human helps me to be an honest human. And I just love all the shares, so much food to chew on today.
I must share how my hackles go up every time I hear about unconditional love, lol. How often do I actually love others on condition. when they say to me what I want to hear... when they feed my sense of self... when they make me feel secure... THEN I love em.
I love MYSELF on conditions too... I whip myself for the shortcomings.... I judge and criticize myself because I should've known better or I take too long.... I take merciless inventories...
when I close my heart to anyone, including myself my heart is no longer open, it is now closed. My love shuts down because the conditions weren't right.
To me, unconditional love is another definition of PERFECTION which is the Higher Power. I believe I do have a chance at experiencing love when I LET IT BEGIN WITH ME. when I quiet my self enough.... sit still long enough.... unite with love itself.... as in the 11th step.... "recovering" or gaining what had been lost in my dis-ease, the One who "is" peace, harmony, happiness and ever-increasing joy. that is the way back to serenity.
As fearful as I can be in relationships, the one thing I have decided in recovery is that one day I will be laying in the cold hard earth and the ONLY relationship that will matter then, is my relationship with Great Spirit...
And so trying to perfect my relationships.... spinning my wheels to find the perfect job.... BEFORE my loyalty to God and sincere seeking Him alone.... life is quickly unmanageable for me. they told me its like putting the cart ahead of the horse...
how well can that work?
I am sooooo smiling at your recognition of need for a sponsor! my experience is, it is just around the corner for you. when the student is ready the teacher appears and may I suggest that should the sponsor not work out for whatever reason ( I have had 3) you must know that the teacher is always God. By sincerity of our heart, we always draw it near.
your share has helped me immensely today, thank you
-- Edited by 2HP on Wednesday 12th of April 2017 11:38:45 AM