I'm adjusting to a new norm of having someone who steps in where in the moment don't have the ability to always be there. I enjoy some aspects of it .. however I still have triggers that are very valid based upon the issue of dealing with someone who lacks common sense and was in an altered state of mind.
This all goes back to my XAH and his inability to follow instructions .. now I am with someone who goes out of his way to check on me .. the kids .. does thoughtful things .. however this .. medication .. medicating my kid .. is a trigger for me. It is not ok to medicate my kids without discussing it with me first. This is part of who I am today. My bf doesn't have enough history to medicate my children without having that discussion with me first. We haven't been dating for 10 years .. whatever. We haven't dated a year. There's just not enough information for someone to take upon themselves to medicate my kids without discussing it with me first .. and maybe this is a me thing .. if I were watching my girlfriends kids .. I would be texting and saying hey .. so and so has some congestion is it ok if .. fill in the blank OR .. what do you like to do in these situations? I mean it's a simple question. Nurses at school don't medicate without making a phone call first. My girl has had seasonal/anxiety induced asthma since we moved to IL .. she has not since we moved to TX. He is unaware of her history and didn't take the time to read the ingredients.
UGH .. now I will have to apologize however seriously speaking I'm in a sorry .. not sorry mode. So I'm hoping I will sound sincere even if I'm not really because I have a bit of a how dare you do that without discussing it with me. He checked on my girl because she didn't feel well and stayed home from school .. again appreciate the fact he went out of his way to do this .. I don't appreciate taking charge of a situation he's not fully informed about. I doubt he will do that again .. this is the second time today he's had this kind of trespass in terms of whoa buddy .. you need to slow your roll. Ask me don't tell me .. LOL .. I keep thinking about the song from First Wives Club .. it's an oldie .. You Don't Own Me .. not pleased doesn't cover it.
it's just exhausting to have to continue to say .. ok .. I appreciate the effort .. you really have to discuss with me before doing this is what I'm ok with in terms of issues with (fill in the blank).
He's more alpha than any guy I have dated .. I'm still concerned that I will overwhelm him. The honest answer is I'm an alpha female it's been interesting dating because while I'm totally alpha .. I do need an equal mate, I like being treated like a girl .. apparently I like to make the rules up as I go .. LOL. Being a single mom has bred me into a whole other breed of woman. Allowing someone to step in is definitely a conscious choice on my part. If I don't feel I can trust that person I might as well call it a day because I'm going to second guess everything .. I know this is something I need to 4th step on .. I don't think it's going to take away the common sense value for me of bottom line .. don't medicate someone else's kid without having a discussion first. I do know he didn't do it with malice .. he just didn't think about the consequences of it. I know I shocked him with my response .. at least I didn't say WTF do you think you were doing?! That's what my XAH would get .. so progress not perfection.
Grrr ..
Hugs S :)
Iamhere said
Apr 11, 2017
(((Serenity))) - boy howdy.....sounds like a fun day for you - NOT!!! I am like you - I would never, ever medicate another child without seeking approval - mostly because I am fearful of drug interactions and allergies. I never want to make a bad situation worse. However, I've had to learn in recovery that my values do not align with others and to pick my battles wisely. I also taught my children (before they went into addiction) to not take anything offered to them by anyone without a quick check with me - teaching them to be responsible for what goes into their body - started this from talking age upwards.
They would call in the middle of the night asking if they could take tumms for an upset stomach at sleepovers - they learned quickly. I have to proceed with kindness and caution with others as I am still affected by this disease and they don't understand how deeply 'substances' trigger us. Only you can process this and determine if it's really about the medication or about control, fear, something else.
Hope your daughter is doing well and recovers soon - relationships are difficult girl.....hang in there!
SerenityRUS said
Apr 11, 2017
I think that is my issue is I'm expecting someone to think like me and since this has never come up there has been no discussion. It doesn't help that at the moment we are having another discussion that also revolves around our relationship and sorry for ya .. no is my answer at the moment. He's a sensitive soul and I am not hardwired to be sensitive out of the gate. Let's not add to my issue of not being heard so there is a lot more than just the fact he didn't call to check in the fact I even need to say this bothers me a great deal. This is me no one else I feel disrespected .. I know that's not the message he was sending it's just how I feel. Feeling not a fact so I have to figure out where do I go from here. He's not a bad guy for helping my kid out .. he's not even a bad guy for not calling about the meds .. I don't like having decisions that I need to make be taken out of my hands. So maybe it is a lack of control in this situation for me. It's definitely about trust issues and it's definitely about control. With previous relationships I allowed things to fester and this is not just with my XAH this is with all of my primary relationships it's only been in the last year I say something .. my bigger issue is I tend to lash out to be heard (back to that issue .. LOL) and then go ok .. I got their attention now I can back into the issue .. LOL .. it's not always the most productive way to go .. it's kind of like taking a steam roller and backing over a garden ... not going to look pretty after it's all said and done .. LOL!
Kiddo is feeling better .. so hoping she will hit school again tomorrow. 6 weeks until graduation!!! WOW!!!
Boy is trying to tell me he's staying home Thursday .. I told him I'm suppose to be home alone I plan on a naked day .. HA HA HA .. he decided he really wasn't up to staying home .. LOL!! I wonder how much that cost me on therapy??
Hugs S :)
shrnp said
Apr 11, 2017
It is not unreasonable to expect someone to ask permission before they give your child medicine. It can be dangerous. It takes courage to get into a relationship after having a significant other that is an alcoholic. I am not ready and it has been over three years. I have had relationships but I have never let anyone else parent my son, and he is 34 years old. Sometimes I wonder if I am missing out on things but then again, I like my life the way it is.
a4l said
Apr 12, 2017
Does this guy listen? Is that the issue?
I would be pretty mad if someone medicated my kid without asking. I would also expect them to know not to because i would have harped on already about how much of an anal retentive mother i am when it comes to my kids. Maybe its a communication thing S. Maybe he sees himself as being team Serenity but needs some really clear boundaries. Boundaries move as trust increases or decreases. Fingers crossed for the soon to be graduating one and her speedy recovery. And congratulations to you both as well on the scholarship, that was fabulous news.
SerenityRUS said
Apr 12, 2017
Hugs Shrnp,
it has been over 5 years for me at this point and this is the first relationship I have had so I have a lot of different things going on .. in terms of being a bit of a rabbit .. LOL. I'm not interested in marriage. He's got lot of past baggage he's dealing with at the moment that comes in the form of an X spouse. Mine is bad enough .. I have been very clear with him .. mine isn't calling me on a monthly or yearly basis even and we have minor kids. Honestly, I think I'm just that selfish in terms of I am enjoying where things are at and I'm seriously just good with where we are. He's very patient and I love the fact he is very interactive with the kids. He doesn't parent as much as he's just there and picks up some slack .. you have no idea how nice it is to be with someone I don't have to think for them. I took us all out for breakfast the other day for my daughter's birthday. I needed to get my car washed because literally .. LOL .. dirt was holding it all together. I was ready for the most part outside of make up and changing clothes. I needed to pick up my daughter's boyfriend (he's 15 .. LOL .. I like the fact he doesn't drive). I come home and my youngest says hey mom, .. D came by picked up E and they are picking up T. I was like holy crap that means I have 45 min to just get ready .. I didn't ask him to do that .. I didn't communicate it needed to be done and I was strapped for time .. it's just how he is when it comes to he sees an issue and says hmm .. gee .. let me help out. Now is he laying down ground rules ... hell no. We have had a lot of discussions over roles and comfort level. My kids respect him a great deal and that's obvious. My kids have each had their own emergencies of sorts and they have no issue reaching out to either of us. In that regard it's no different than if one of my best girlfriends said hey S .. I'm stopping by I have kids can I get one of yours .. LOL. My kids know other people's homes different rules .. however my home .. my rules. They are respectful that way. So in that regard he's not crossing any boundary I don't have for a very close friend .. before Alanon I did not have those kinds of relationships with people in general. However .. none of my girlfriends would medicate my kid/s without having a quick discussion with me and vise versa .. that's where he messed up.
A41 .. LOL .. MY fear is not being heard .. he hears me and every once in a while I have to say .. ok .. were you listening or did I just get the obligatory nod. UGH!!! LOL .. I think that's kind of normal being human .. LOL .. I'm guilty as well. Because the kids take meds so rarely it never dawned on me I needed to have this conversation. Girl should have said .. umm .. hey dude .. did you ask mom .. she's completely weird about this kind of thing and daughter knows that . the harder part is she just turned 18 and is trying her feet at adulting which I'm trying to respect .. her and I will have to have a different conversation about what she can and can't take because of past issues .. again .. since I'm usually the one who says here's what I have for .. fill in the blank .. I'm normally going to pick something up .. LOL. Again .. no meds in the house. I really do think he was just being him and being pro-active which I love .. I would feel the same if I came home and he rearranged my front room furniture .. not your place to do that without having a conversation .. I don't care about being helpful that's out of line .. if I asked him to that .. totally different story. I have recently discovered he missed out on a LOT of his kids upbringing which is a shame because he was always working. So I feel like he's viewing time with my kids as make up time and he's healing from that experience while trying to create a new relationship not just with my kids .. with his as well. There's a whole level of other drama that I'm just not interested in again .. why I like things just as they are at the moment.
So it's a behavior that needs to be addressed for a number of reasons .. the biggest one being today .. he doesn't have the history with the kids and he doesn't know their medical issues .. he just doesn't know. Alanon has taught me the value of being human and he totally screwed up .. LOL .. however .. it wasn't a deal breaker ... the difference in me now vs 5 years ago? LOL .. happened again I would make excuses (specifically the meds) .. today if it happens again same situation and he reacts the same way .. I'm seeing a behavior I'm not ok with we have had a discussion about my comfort level and he would be choosing to ignore I and that is a deal breaker for me. I believe the red flags. That's not a welcome mat it's a warning .. relationships just shouldn't be that hard if they are about mutual respect.
I'm adjusting to a new norm of having someone who steps in where in the moment don't have the ability to always be there. I enjoy some aspects of it .. however I still have triggers that are very valid based upon the issue of dealing with someone who lacks common sense and was in an altered state of mind.
This all goes back to my XAH and his inability to follow instructions .. now I am with someone who goes out of his way to check on me .. the kids .. does thoughtful things .. however this .. medication .. medicating my kid .. is a trigger for me. It is not ok to medicate my kids without discussing it with me first. This is part of who I am today. My bf doesn't have enough history to medicate my children without having that discussion with me first. We haven't been dating for 10 years .. whatever. We haven't dated a year. There's just not enough information for someone to take upon themselves to medicate my kids without discussing it with me first .. and maybe this is a me thing .. if I were watching my girlfriends kids .. I would be texting and saying hey .. so and so has some congestion is it ok if .. fill in the blank OR .. what do you like to do in these situations? I mean it's a simple question. Nurses at school don't medicate without making a phone call first. My girl has had seasonal/anxiety induced asthma since we moved to IL .. she has not since we moved to TX. He is unaware of her history and didn't take the time to read the ingredients.
UGH .. now I will have to apologize however seriously speaking I'm in a sorry .. not sorry mode. So I'm hoping I will sound sincere even if I'm not really because I have a bit of a how dare you do that without discussing it with me. He checked on my girl because she didn't feel well and stayed home from school .. again appreciate the fact he went out of his way to do this .. I don't appreciate taking charge of a situation he's not fully informed about. I doubt he will do that again .. this is the second time today he's had this kind of trespass in terms of whoa buddy .. you need to slow your roll. Ask me don't tell me .. LOL .. I keep thinking about the song from First Wives Club .. it's an oldie .. You Don't Own Me .. not pleased doesn't cover it.
it's just exhausting to have to continue to say .. ok .. I appreciate the effort .. you really have to discuss with me before doing this is what I'm ok with in terms of issues with (fill in the blank).
He's more alpha than any guy I have dated .. I'm still concerned that I will overwhelm him. The honest answer is I'm an alpha female it's been interesting dating because while I'm totally alpha .. I do need an equal mate, I like being treated like a girl .. apparently I like to make the rules up as I go .. LOL. Being a single mom has bred me into a whole other breed of woman. Allowing someone to step in is definitely a conscious choice on my part. If I don't feel I can trust that person I might as well call it a day because I'm going to second guess everything .. I know this is something I need to 4th step on .. I don't think it's going to take away the common sense value for me of bottom line .. don't medicate someone else's kid without having a discussion first. I do know he didn't do it with malice .. he just didn't think about the consequences of it. I know I shocked him with my response .. at least I didn't say WTF do you think you were doing?! That's what my XAH would get .. so progress not perfection.
Grrr ..
Hugs S :)
They would call in the middle of the night asking if they could take tumms for an upset stomach at sleepovers - they learned quickly. I have to proceed with kindness and caution with others as I am still affected by this disease and they don't understand how deeply 'substances' trigger us. Only you can process this and determine if it's really about the medication or about control, fear, something else.
Hope your daughter is doing well and recovers soon - relationships are difficult girl.....hang in there!
Kiddo is feeling better .. so hoping she will hit school again tomorrow. 6 weeks until graduation!!! WOW!!!
Boy is trying to tell me he's staying home Thursday .. I told him I'm suppose to be home alone I plan on a naked day .. HA HA HA .. he decided he really wasn't up to staying home .. LOL!! I wonder how much that cost me on therapy??
Hugs S :)
it has been over 5 years for me at this point and this is the first relationship I have had so I have a lot of different things going on .. in terms of being a bit of a rabbit .. LOL. I'm not interested in marriage. He's got lot of past baggage he's dealing with at the moment that comes in the form of an X spouse. Mine is bad enough .. I have been very clear with him .. mine isn't calling me on a monthly or yearly basis even and we have minor kids. Honestly, I think I'm just that selfish in terms of I am enjoying where things are at and I'm seriously just good with where we are. He's very patient and I love the fact he is very interactive with the kids. He doesn't parent as much as he's just there and picks up some slack .. you have no idea how nice it is to be with someone I don't have to think for them. I took us all out for breakfast the other day for my daughter's birthday. I needed to get my car washed because literally .. LOL .. dirt was holding it all together. I was ready for the most part outside of make up and changing clothes. I needed to pick up my daughter's boyfriend (he's 15 .. LOL .. I like the fact he doesn't drive). I come home and my youngest says hey mom, .. D came by picked up E and they are picking up T. I was like holy crap that means I have 45 min to just get ready .. I didn't ask him to do that .. I didn't communicate it needed to be done and I was strapped for time .. it's just how he is when it comes to he sees an issue and says hmm .. gee .. let me help out. Now is he laying down ground rules ... hell no. We have had a lot of discussions over roles and comfort level. My kids respect him a great deal and that's obvious. My kids have each had their own emergencies of sorts and they have no issue reaching out to either of us. In that regard it's no different than if one of my best girlfriends said hey S .. I'm stopping by I have kids can I get one of yours .. LOL. My kids know other people's homes different rules .. however my home .. my rules. They are respectful that way. So in that regard he's not crossing any boundary I don't have for a very close friend .. before Alanon I did not have those kinds of relationships with people in general. However .. none of my girlfriends would medicate my kid/s without having a quick discussion with me and vise versa .. that's where he messed up.
A41 .. LOL .. MY fear is not being heard .. he hears me and every once in a while I have to say .. ok .. were you listening or did I just get the obligatory nod. UGH!!! LOL .. I think that's kind of normal being human .. LOL .. I'm guilty as well. Because the kids take meds so rarely it never dawned on me I needed to have this conversation. Girl should have said .. umm .. hey dude .. did you ask mom .. she's completely weird about this kind of thing and daughter knows that . the harder part is she just turned 18 and is trying her feet at adulting which I'm trying to respect .. her and I will have to have a different conversation about what she can and can't take because of past issues .. again .. since I'm usually the one who says here's what I have for .. fill in the blank .. I'm normally going to pick something up .. LOL. Again .. no meds in the house. I really do think he was just being him and being pro-active which I love .. I would feel the same if I came home and he rearranged my front room furniture .. not your place to do that without having a conversation .. I don't care about being helpful that's out of line .. if I asked him to that .. totally different story. I have recently discovered he missed out on a LOT of his kids upbringing which is a shame because he was always working. So I feel like he's viewing time with my kids as make up time and he's healing from that experience while trying to create a new relationship not just with my kids .. with his as well. There's a whole level of other drama that I'm just not interested in again .. why I like things just as they are at the moment.
So it's a behavior that needs to be addressed for a number of reasons .. the biggest one being today .. he doesn't have the history with the kids and he doesn't know their medical issues .. he just doesn't know. Alanon has taught me the value of being human and he totally screwed up .. LOL .. however .. it wasn't a deal breaker ... the difference in me now vs 5 years ago? LOL .. happened again I would make excuses (specifically the meds) .. today if it happens again same situation and he reacts the same way .. I'm seeing a behavior I'm not ok with we have had a discussion about my comfort level and he would be choosing to ignore I and that is a deal breaker for me. I believe the red flags. That's not a welcome mat it's a warning .. relationships just shouldn't be that hard if they are about mutual respect.
LOL .. sorry for the book .. :)