I'm at a loss...I go to meetings. I listen. I apply what I hear. But sometimes circumstances .. Situations...Feel hopeless...My son's decisions do affect me..They affect my grandchild..They affect my relationship with my grandchild..It's just a vicious circle of swirling s**t...And it's very painful. I try to detach as much as possible but he's my child. He just brings such trash and dysfunctional people into my life in one form or another and because of my love for him and the toddler those people have power over me...I can't sleep...I can't work tomorrow because number 1 I'll be dead on my feet and number 2 I have to be home to protect my property from that backlash he's created tonight..It's tearing me up and causing great anxiety...
-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 11th of April 2017 05:52:12 AM
hotrod said
Apr 11, 2017
Hi and welcome I am sorry you are in such distress . I found that face to face meetings saved my lifebecause I was provided with ne constructive tools to live by. The hot line number is in the white pages. Please note that if anyone brings dangerous people into your space it is acceptable to call 911 and not try to protect your home alone.
Positive thoughts on the way
Enigmatic said
Apr 11, 2017
Welcome, T, glad you're here.
Early in my recovery, I sometimes I felt like I was faced with impossible decisions, that there was no way to follow the "program way" because of my situation(s). As I continued to work the program, particularly when I was able to reference particular topics I was struggling with in the literature, I found that there always is a way.
I found great strength in the serenity prayer, where I experience serenity when I recognize the difference between two things: 1) Accepting the things I cannot change, and 2) changing the things I can to guard my peace and safety. If I am not at peace, I realize I am fudging on one or both.
Hang in there T, keep working the program, you are not alone...keep coming back
Iamhere said
Apr 11, 2017
Welcome to MIP Tthump - glad you found us and glad that you joined right in. I too am sorry for the pain you are experiencing as a result of the disease. The insanity does reach well beyond the drinker and affect family and friends too. I recall being concerned to leave my home also because of what might happen to it or my family because of choices made by my qualifier.
For me, the answers I needed truly were in the rooms of recovery. Many who came before me were willing to share their ESH (Experience, Strength & Hope) with me and that gave me hope that I too could focus on me and my sanity and trust the process and the program.
As far as the chaos and insanity that surrounds the disease, I really had to stop and consider what would a rational person do in this scenario? My thinking was terribly distorted and my fear kept me from self-preservation and self-protection for a long while. The program gave me the tools to learn that I matter too and I no longer have to tolerate intolerable behavior.
You are not alone - keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery! Keep coming back!
tiredtonite said
Apr 11, 2017
Hi Ttump,
Welcome. I hope you'll keep coming back to share here. It's a difficult situation when aside from your own child, there are also grandchildren involved that you love. It's hard also to be faced with physical evidence of the disease of alcoholism such as ruined property. It feels sad to have alcoholism in your face that way. Please take good care of yourself. HP is always available to us to surrender all our problems to. (((hugs))) TT
Tthump said
Apr 11, 2017
Thank you..I felt foolish posting and wanted to delete it but couldn't figure out how..I'm glad I didn'tâ..All of your words were encouraging and Im going to find a meeting this.mornimg and maybe actually speak this time...Lol...But first I need a nap.....
runi said
Apr 11, 2017
don't feel foolish. thank you for posting. i am so sorry for your pain and heartache. thank you for your courage to be........real.........honest........ you encouraged me with your courageousness. i am new to al-anon. i have had many qualifiers throughout my life. to start i am an adult child of an alcoholic. i love al-anon so much. it is a horrible disease and hurts so many people. there are more questions than answers.... i know you love your grand child and son very much. you are not alone. may you get some rest, physically, mentally and spiritually. i am so sorry.......... i will be praying...
Iamhere said
Apr 11, 2017
T - never feel foolish - what runi says is spot on. It takes courage to reach out online or in person yet the results usually make it worth while. One huge factor in the disease for us - family & friends - is often isolation....we tend to not open up and sharing does help.
I hope you do find a meeting and I hope you find some peace, just for today!
shrnp said
Apr 11, 2017
I am sorry you are going through this. My grandson's mother has caused me so much anxiety. I had her arrested because she is violent. It was the most emotional things I have had to go through in my life. My son lied for her in court and it really hurt me. I do not regret anything though. It was more important that my grandson was safe. I just had to keep reminding myself that the outcome was worth the temporary insanity. I have found that Alanon has been very helpful for me when I have to deal with this situation. The serenity prayer has gotten me through a lot. The first step in Alanon is that, "We admitted we were powerless over our addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable." I am hoping and praying that everything is better with your family, keep coming back. It really works.
-- Edited by shrnp on Tuesday 11th of April 2017 08:19:31 PM
Bo said
Apr 12, 2017
Tthump wrote:
I'm at a loss...I go to meetings. I listen. I apply what I hear. But sometimes circumstances .. Situations...Feel hopeless...My son's decisions do affect me..They affect my grandchild..They affect my relationship with my grandchild..It's just a vicious circle of swirling s**t...And it's very painful. I try to detach as much as possible but he's my child. He just brings such trash and dysfunctional people into my life in one form or another and because of my love for him and the toddler those people have power over me...I can't sleep...I can't work tomorrow because number 1 I'll be dead on my feet and number 2 I have to be home to protect my property from that backlash he's created tonight..It's tearing me up and causing great anxiety...
-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 11th of April 2017 05:52:12 AM
I hear you. I feel it. The people here know exactly what you are going through. Many have gone through the exact same thing. So, you say you go to meetings. Do you have a sponsor. If so, call him/her. A lot. Ask questions, ask what to do, think, how to handle this. If not, find one, get one, now. Start doing the work. Doing the work offers the ability to come up with and/or the discovery of options and alternatives. You will also see alternatives and options not only in what you can do -- but in and for you; how you behave, detach, communicate. When you do the work you will get better, you will be better.
You will detach better, more effectively, more efficiently. You will learn how to navigate and handle what he does so that what he does will not overcome or overwhelm you. You can only change you.
Here is another version of the serenity prayer...God, grant me the serenity, to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change, the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Maybe detachment needs to take on a new form or a new level for you. A sponsor can and will help you with that. Don't think it means cutting him off or throwing him out. A sponsor will bring you objectivity and accountability (if you like). It is up to you. The options, the alternatives, the change you need to get better, to get healthy, are simply outside your field of vision right now. They are a blind spot. Someone, something, other than you, will help you. All the best.
Tthump said
Apr 12, 2017
Yes I have also felt betrayed by my son over a girlfriend..Very painful..I never thought he would be capable of doing that to me.. But actually it's good information to know..I won't be surprised next time..its a good lesson in having no expectations of a person I guess.. And yes it's even harder when there's Grand kids involved..I have to remind myself that she is not my child and I love her very much and will do the right thing for her when necessary but I have to detach a bit from the situation or else I become depressed and crazy. I pray to my HP for hedges of protection over her innocent little life and praying for someone is the most we can do, I believe.i will keep coming back because there is true wisdom in these rooms online or not. I pray for you to also stay centered and focused thru your trials..
Tthump said
Apr 12, 2017
Thank you,no..I like that version of the serenity prayer...No I have not yet selected a sponsor and obviously know I should...I'm stronger just thru prayer and meetings than I've ever been before but it would be wonderful to stay centered and even no matter whats going on...And I know I could gain more insight thru step work
Tthump said
Apr 12, 2017
I meant thank you, bo... auto correct...ğ¤
Bo said
Apr 12, 2017
Tthump wrote:
Yes I have also felt betrayed by my son over a girlfriend..Very painful..I never thought he would be capable of doing that to me.. But actually it's good information to know..I won't be surprised next time..its a good lesson in having no expectations of a person I guess.. And yes it's even harder when there's Grand kids involved..I have to remind myself that she is not my child and I love her very much and will do the right thing for her when necessary but I have to detach a bit from the situation or else I become depressed and crazy. I pray to my HP for hedges of protection over her innocent little life and praying for someone is the most we can do, I believe.i will keep coming back because there is true wisdom in these rooms online or not. I pray for you to also stay centered and focused thru your trials..
Feeling betrayed is common -- your loved one chose another person and put them before you, they chose the bottle over you, and so on. However, we learn none of that is true. Step one -- acceptance. This is a sickness and we are dealing with a loved one who is sick. That changes the entire dynamic of the relationship, of the world for that matter. Yes, high hopes and low expectations. For now that will help you, and protect you. It will allow you face the right direction and then take a step in the right direction...the healthy direction, the healthy track.
You will do what you need to do to protect your grandchild. Each day, each situation, you can and will call your sponsor and talk it through. You will do what is best for your grandchild, no matter what.
Cathyinaz said
Apr 12, 2017
Welcome Tthump
I'm glad you posted. MIP is the best place so never think you are out of place or putting to much on anyone plate. We all suffer some way or another and coming here helps greatly. I came here almost 5 years ago and it's the best thing I ever did.
So don't worry and keep coming back because you are not alone.
I'm at a loss...I go to meetings. I listen. I apply what I hear. But sometimes circumstances .. Situations...Feel hopeless...My son's decisions do affect me..They affect my grandchild..They affect my relationship with my grandchild..It's just a vicious circle of swirling s**t...And it's very painful. I try to detach as much as possible but he's my child. He just brings such trash and dysfunctional people into my life in one form or another and because of my love for him and the toddler those people have power over me...I can't sleep...I can't work tomorrow because number 1 I'll be dead on my feet and number 2 I have to be home to protect my property from that backlash he's created tonight..It's tearing me up and causing great anxiety...
-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 11th of April 2017 05:52:12 AM
Hi and welcome I am sorry you are in such distress . I found that face to face meetings saved my lifebecause I was provided with ne constructive tools to live by. The hot line number is in the white pages.
Please note that if anyone brings dangerous people into your space it is acceptable to call 911 and not try to protect your home alone.
Positive thoughts on the way
Early in my recovery, I sometimes I felt like I was faced with impossible decisions, that there was no way to follow the "program way" because of my situation(s). As I continued to work the program, particularly when I was able to reference particular topics I was struggling with in the literature, I found that there always is a way.
I found great strength in the serenity prayer, where I experience serenity when I recognize the difference between two things: 1) Accepting the things I cannot change, and 2) changing the things I can to guard my peace and safety. If I am not at peace, I realize I am fudging on one or both.
Hang in there T, keep working the program, you are not alone...keep coming back
For me, the answers I needed truly were in the rooms of recovery. Many who came before me were willing to share their ESH (Experience, Strength & Hope) with me and that gave me hope that I too could focus on me and my sanity and trust the process and the program.
As far as the chaos and insanity that surrounds the disease, I really had to stop and consider what would a rational person do in this scenario? My thinking was terribly distorted and my fear kept me from self-preservation and self-protection for a long while. The program gave me the tools to learn that I matter too and I no longer have to tolerate intolerable behavior.
You are not alone - keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery! Keep coming back!
Hi Ttump,
Welcome. I hope you'll keep coming back to share here. It's a difficult situation when aside from your own child, there are also grandchildren involved that you love. It's hard also to be faced with physical evidence of the disease of alcoholism such as ruined property. It feels sad to have alcoholism in your face that way. Please take good care of yourself. HP is always available to us to surrender all our problems to. (((hugs))) TT
don't feel foolish. thank you for posting. i am so sorry for your pain and heartache. thank you for your courage to be........real.........honest........ you encouraged me with your courageousness. i am new to al-anon. i have had many qualifiers throughout my life. to start i am an adult child of an alcoholic. i love al-anon so much. it is a horrible disease and hurts so many people. there are more questions than answers.... i know you love your grand child and son very much. you are not alone. may you get some rest, physically, mentally and spiritually. i am so sorry.......... i will be praying...
I hope you do find a meeting and I hope you find some peace, just for today!
I am sorry you are going through this. My grandson's mother has caused me so much anxiety. I had her arrested because she is violent. It was the most emotional things I have had to go through in my life. My son lied for her in court and it really hurt me. I do not regret anything though. It was more important that my grandson was safe. I just had to keep reminding myself that the outcome was worth the temporary insanity. I have found that Alanon has been very helpful for me when I have to deal with this situation. The serenity prayer has gotten me through a lot. The first step in Alanon is that, "We admitted we were powerless over our addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable." I am hoping and praying that everything is better with your family, keep coming back. It really works.
-- Edited by shrnp on Tuesday 11th of April 2017 08:19:31 PM
I hear you. I feel it. The people here know exactly what you are going through. Many have gone through the exact same thing. So, you say you go to meetings. Do you have a sponsor. If so, call him/her. A lot. Ask questions, ask what to do, think, how to handle this. If not, find one, get one, now. Start doing the work. Doing the work offers the ability to come up with and/or the discovery of options and alternatives. You will also see alternatives and options not only in what you can do -- but in and for you; how you behave, detach, communicate. When you do the work you will get better, you will be better.
You will detach better, more effectively, more efficiently. You will learn how to navigate and handle what he does so that what he does will not overcome or overwhelm you. You can only change you.
Here is another version of the serenity prayer...God, grant me the serenity, to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change, the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Maybe detachment needs to take on a new form or a new level for you. A sponsor can and will help you with that. Don't think it means cutting him off or throwing him out. A sponsor will bring you objectivity and accountability (if you like). It is up to you. The options, the alternatives, the change you need to get better, to get healthy, are simply outside your field of vision right now. They are a blind spot. Someone, something, other than you, will help you. All the best.
Feeling betrayed is common -- your loved one chose another person and put them before you, they chose the bottle over you, and so on. However, we learn none of that is true. Step one -- acceptance. This is a sickness and we are dealing with a loved one who is sick. That changes the entire dynamic of the relationship, of the world for that matter. Yes, high hopes and low expectations. For now that will help you, and protect you. It will allow you face the right direction and then take a step in the right direction...the healthy direction, the healthy track.
You will do what you need to do to protect your grandchild. Each day, each situation, you can and will call your sponsor and talk it through. You will do what is best for your grandchild, no matter what.
I'm glad you posted. MIP is the best place so never think you are out of place or putting to much on anyone plate. We all suffer some way or another and coming here helps greatly. I came here almost 5 years ago and it's the best thing I ever did.
So don't worry and keep coming back because you are not alone.
HUGS