I mentioned earlier that my ex-AH is staying with us for a while to see our kid. He is a binge drinker and he is not drinking at this particular juncture - in fact he is so feeble that I would be surprised if he could get out to buy any alcohol. We don't have a car and although we are in a city, I think the nearest alcohol is farther than he can walk.
But what I've discovered is that he has other compulsive behavior - no surprise, right? And I'm discovering how much it bugs me. He gets up in the middle of the night and binge-eats. Loudly. Food that he gets at the corner convenience store, so you can imagine how junky it is. So far tonight he's had a whole tub of tiramisu and a huge bag of potato chips. Now he is starting on a giant box of crackers. I told him strictly not to keep any food in his room because there has been the suggestion of mice around, but he's hidden food all over the house. It's just like alcoholism but with food. And you won't be surprised to learn that he has sky-high blood pressure (he has medicine but he forgets to take it) and cholesterol and he's so overweight that he can hardly walk, even apart from his other problems. And yet he still eats, just like someone with cirrhosis who still drinks. I thought that sometimes I eat this or that that is bad for me, but this puts it in a whole new light. I feel like the Queen of Salad in comparison.
I remember when I first knew him, and he was healthy and thin and vigorous. Now he might as well be 90 years old.
There's nothing like seeing someone in the grip of compulsions to make you want to live life more healthily. What a sad thing it is. And so hard to be around. I'm having to resist the impulse to thwack him upside the head and say, "Just cut it out! What do you think you're doing to yourself?!" As if that would work! Might be something I could do to myself a little more when I start heading for things that are bad for me again, though...
I said, "Your life insurance is still in force, right?" He said, "Yeah, but I'm going to stay alive just to drive you nuts." I think it's working!
Still there are some lessons for me here if I can push aside all the annoyance and learn them.
Junenine said
Apr 10, 2017
(((Mattie))) my goodness. i've been there. with you... trying to learn my lessons from all of this... hugs.
hotrod said
Apr 10, 2017
((Mattie)) Your program tools are working well. Thanks for sharing your wisdom .
Jerry F said
Apr 10, 2017
Mattie you can also twack yourself upside your head when you give in to our compulsion for wanting to find serenity from looking and watching the alcoholic self destruct. What a serenity threat "....just to watch you go nuts". He knows. ((((hugs)))) We love you girl....don't stand to close to the stove.
a4l said
Apr 10, 2017
Mattie...! Omg. That motivation to live is all too familiar sounding! Put those buttons he knows how to push under lock and key. Maybe you could put AA literature in the cookie jar lol lol
Stay sane friend.
andromeda said
Apr 10, 2017
UGH, Mattie! I can't imagine.
A funny to share with you here....
last week a friend of mine was watching my son play a tennis match against her son and she met my ex. She texted me and said, "I met your X! Holy crap. I don't see it.....He's FAT. You're so tiny...."
Anyway, I was nice and I told her, "He wasn't always that way."
So, I understand where you're coming from and I get the whole frustration thing with it all. My son tells me stories about my ex that I just can't fathom anymore. Makes my head spin. I hope you don't have to do this much longer!
Mattie said
Apr 12, 2017
Well, my ex-AH went to the doctor to get tests for all his ailments. Because he is in rapidly failing health. They said his coughing and breathing problems were because he is so severely overweight. And he has severe anemia and B12 deficiency, which I notice cause things like weakness (check), breathlessness (check), and "problems with memory, understanding and judgement" (check). He got some shots for these. The doctor said sometimes older people have trouble processing B12. I'm sure he didn't tell the doctor about his drinking. I said, "B12 deficiency is a common side effect of excessive alcohol." He was surprised. "So there are your choices," I said. Somehow now that I have genuine evidence that he is doing this to himself, I'm more able to let it go. If he had independent health problems, I would be troubled. But now, although I wish him the best, I can say "Not my circus, not my monkeys."
SerenityRUS said
Apr 12, 2017
SMH .. I'm so sorry for his situation .. you are a great X to know what you can and can't handle while allowing him to be right where he is at.
I mentioned earlier that my ex-AH is staying with us for a while to see our kid. He is a binge drinker and he is not drinking at this particular juncture - in fact he is so feeble that I would be surprised if he could get out to buy any alcohol. We don't have a car and although we are in a city, I think the nearest alcohol is farther than he can walk.
But what I've discovered is that he has other compulsive behavior - no surprise, right? And I'm discovering how much it bugs me. He gets up in the middle of the night and binge-eats. Loudly. Food that he gets at the corner convenience store, so you can imagine how junky it is. So far tonight he's had a whole tub of tiramisu and a huge bag of potato chips. Now he is starting on a giant box of crackers. I told him strictly not to keep any food in his room because there has been the suggestion of mice around, but he's hidden food all over the house. It's just like alcoholism but with food. And you won't be surprised to learn that he has sky-high blood pressure (he has medicine but he forgets to take it) and cholesterol and he's so overweight that he can hardly walk, even apart from his other problems. And yet he still eats, just like someone with cirrhosis who still drinks. I thought that sometimes I eat this or that that is bad for me, but this puts it in a whole new light. I feel like the Queen of Salad in comparison.
I remember when I first knew him, and he was healthy and thin and vigorous. Now he might as well be 90 years old.
There's nothing like seeing someone in the grip of compulsions to make you want to live life more healthily. What a sad thing it is. And so hard to be around. I'm having to resist the impulse to thwack him upside the head and say, "Just cut it out! What do you think you're doing to yourself?!" As if that would work! Might be something I could do to myself a little more when I start heading for things that are bad for me again, though...
I said, "Your life insurance is still in force, right?" He said, "Yeah, but I'm going to stay alive just to drive you nuts." I think it's working!
Still there are some lessons for me here if I can push aside all the annoyance and learn them.
(((Mattie))) my goodness. i've been there. with you... trying to learn my lessons from all of this... hugs.
Mattie you can also twack yourself upside your head when you give in to our compulsion for wanting to find serenity from looking and watching the alcoholic self destruct. What a serenity threat "....just to watch you go nuts". He knows. ((((hugs)))) We love you girl....don't stand to close to the stove.
A funny to share with you here....
last week a friend of mine was watching my son play a tennis match against her son and she met my ex. She texted me and said, "I met your X! Holy crap. I don't see it.....He's FAT. You're so tiny...."
Anyway, I was nice and I told her, "He wasn't always that way."
So, I understand where you're coming from and I get the whole frustration thing with it all. My son tells me stories about my ex that I just can't fathom anymore. Makes my head spin. I hope you don't have to do this much longer!
Well, my ex-AH went to the doctor to get tests for all his ailments. Because he is in rapidly failing health. They said his coughing and breathing problems were because he is so severely overweight. And he has severe anemia and B12 deficiency, which I notice cause things like weakness (check), breathlessness (check), and "problems with memory, understanding and judgement" (check). He got some shots for these. The doctor said sometimes older people have trouble processing B12. I'm sure he didn't tell the doctor about his drinking. I said, "B12 deficiency is a common side effect of excessive alcohol." He was surprised. "So there are your choices," I said. Somehow now that I have genuine evidence that he is doing this to himself, I'm more able to let it go. If he had independent health problems, I would be troubled. But now, although I wish him the best, I can say "Not my circus, not my monkeys."
Hugs S :)