I've been trying to write this post on and off for more than a week but I just can't figure out exactly what the point of it is. So I keep deleting it and starting over. This time I am going to get it out. I feel like I'm starting to accept that my AH is in fact an AH and that our relationship isn't healthy. The longer I am in the program the calmer my life gets. The highs and lows of my relationship aren't happening and I am so grateful that I am not on that rollercoaster anymore. When we have a bad time I don't panic and try to people please my way out of it. I am getting a lot better at accepting things for how they are not trying to make them into what I want. This means that when my AH gets angry with me for standing up for myself and setting a boundary I've been living with the fact that he's angry with me. That has been no easy task but has shown me how far I have come. Without all the drama clouding my judgement I feel like I can see things more clearly. IN the past our pattern would be we would have a big argument and then I would do almost anything to keep the peace even go against my better judgement and then I would push away the unpleasant feelings and the issues that came up and we would have this great make up until things got bad again. So the last issue we had I asked him not to speak to me the way he had. He did everything he could to point the finger at me, deny that he was rude and insulting, accused me of having an intense reaction, anything and everything that likely worked on me in the past and it just didn't work. I felt like I could really see things clearly. I felt calmer than I have in the past during arguments and refused to argue. He barely spoke to me for a week. He continued to want to discuss it and I continued to tell him that I felt he was rude to me and he continued to tell me I was wrong. He went so far as to deny the words he said to me. Then one day in passing on the stairs he said "You know I don't like it when I talk to you like that" Wait, what? UGH. I'm just tired of it all. I don't feel so clingy and desperate for him anymore which is a really great thing. But now that I am taking care of myself I can see how much work this relationship is and sometimes I wonder.....for what? I also feel as though I am the only one trying to save it. I used to go to great lengths to make things better then get resentful of it later. Now I am trying to go only as far as I feel comfortable and if that doesn't fix things I can live with that. I'm starting for the first time to think about leaving. This is huge for me because I couldn't even bare the thought of it in the past it would fill me with panic. Now, I can think about it in a peaceful way. Ironically when I was at my worst I threatened it all the time but never followed through and didn't really want it. Now that I am truly feeling that way I haven't said it at all. I'm truly grateful for Al Anon and how I am accepted in my group despite my marital situation. No one has ever told me to stay or to leave my AH. This program has taught me that if I keep the focus on myself I will come to my own conclusion. I'm not there yet but I am taking it one day at a time and for once I am considering things based on my own happiness. Does staying with the AH make me happy? Lately the answer is no. I'm going to give it some time. There is no rush to make the decision. I was speaking with a friend of mine who lived with an AH and she said that she came to the decision to get divorced not based on the worst thing he ever did but something relatively small. He said or did something that he had always said or did and she realized she didn't want to live that way anymore. So I am going to trust that when I know I know. I have more confidence in my decision making than I ever have. Al Anon has given me so much strength, strength I didn't know I had within me. Thanks for listening.
SerenityRUS said
Apr 10, 2017
Hugs KT,
I just wanted to say it wasn't the drinking that did me in it was a multitude of things for me it was a big thing it was the cheating. It was just the sheer disrespect I got tired of with him. By that time I don't know that I was any better I just wanted to get out. Plus my kids were absolutely being affect by the craziness in the home and whatever the motivation it was what worked for me. No one ever told me to stay or go .. ironically I was the odd duck for leaving believe it or not .. small town small groups.
You truly will know when you know and it will be what is right .. I just understood I was not going to have a relationship like I wanted.
Hugs S :)
hotrod said
Apr 10, 2017
((KT))) Trust the process. I hear awareness and acceptance in your share . The correct action will be made clear. Positive thoughts on the way.
El said
Apr 10, 2017
Hello KT,
What a powerful share. "More will be revealed." You are most definitely on a journey to find your truth...... I can so relate to much of what you have written and it is just awesome to see your progress in the program.
Your decision either way will be made with confidence and insight and peace.
((((Hugs))) to you,
Ellen
Godsdaughter said
Apr 10, 2017
((KT2015)) I can also relate to what you are saying...the breaking point for me to attend Al-Anon was when my AH became abusive. I was filled with hurt, rage, self pity and wanting more for myself. I began Al-Anon to figure out a way to understand what is truly going on. I was actually ready to file for a divorce and move. I always said to myself that "once I get married I will never get divorced". As I came from a divorced family and knew that I didn't ever want to go through that. So I made decisions that now here I am married and not with any of my kid's father. I made this choice as I fell in love with an Alcoholic. I was in denial that I had a problem and that it was only my AH. AS I am learning about the disease and myself I know that I do not want to give up on my sick husband. I wouldn't want someone to give up on me if the tables were turned. And my HP hasn't given up on me for all the wrongs I have done. It starts with your HP and this program! It works! I am only 2 months in but I see changes within myself that I know I couldn't do it without my HP, this program and my sponsor. The choice to stay is one that I made and who knows what will happen in the future but for now I focus on One day at a Time! You have to make a choice that is for your best interest and love is a major factor. We must love ourselves in order to love others. I am excited to start the steps and learn as much as I possibly can...others have told me that once we make the change and follow the process our Alcoholics in our life will see and it's up to them to "want" to change with us. To be healthy. We can all inspire others in our own ways. Keep coming back KT2015!
Iamhere said
Apr 10, 2017
(((KT2015))) - awesome share. I truly have nothing to add other than I too have never felt pressure to leave or to stay. I am truly grateful that others in recovery with me have freely shared their own ESH and allowed me the grace and dignity to do as I need to for my own health, sanity and recovery.
Keep doing what you're doing - it's looking really great on you!
pumkin26 said
Apr 11, 2017
Thank you for your share KT2015. As I am still quite new to AlAnon the piece that gets me hung up a lot is the relationship aspect. And living in the moment, focused on today helps me to stay grounded when those thoughts enter, but the reality is there is still a relationship. The man I love, the father of my children. It gives me hope reading your share, that I too someday will have that calm and clarity around me when I am in the middle of his hurricane. I felt a small glimmer of that last night when he was attacking and accusing what felt like out of nowhere (I'm sure something's triggered him) and I remained calm and didn't let the anxiety hit.
Your share about fixing the problem at the cost of myself really hit home for me. It's so true. And also (before the program) all the times I have tried to "fix" the relationship. I was practicing let it go (before I knew what it was), letting go of the past resentments and trying to move forward. Choosing to be happy. It would work for a bit (or so I fooled myself into thinking) until the next time he would lash out of me for no reason. The resentment of me always trying and nothing in return. I would say on his end in the last year it has gotten so bad that the little thing like a simple birthday or Christmas present just isn't something he can muster up energy or whatever to do. A card? A flower? Even just saying happy birthday on my birthday (didn't happen). If I was my friend talking to me I'd think that is beyond crazy. But here I am accepting of the bad behavior. Rambling, sorry! Ha
Anyways, reading your share this morning was exactly what I needed. So thank you. (((Hugs)))
KT2015 said
Apr 11, 2017
Thank you all for your support and kind words. It really means a lot to me to have support on this board. The beautiful thing about Al Anon is it has given me the gift of learning to trust my decisions again. I used to look to everyone else and everything else especially my AH for what I should do in my life. Now I look to my HP to guide me in my decisions and I have learned to trust what I feel is right. I still have moments of anger towards my AH but they pass more easily now. A lot of the anger is going away. I'm sad that it may not work out but I am no longer angry at him for not being what I want him to be. Letting go of that expectation was sad but liberating. There is a possibility that we may be better off apart and I don't know that living with me is making him happy either. If not I don't want to stand in the way of his happiness. It's so scary for me to let go like this. I get a lot of peace and then have moments of panic. But they eventually pass and I am able to look at the situation with calm and love.
milkwood said
Apr 12, 2017
Beautiful share KT, I'm so pleased you brought it here, really helpful - and it so describes my experiencing as well!
a4l said
Apr 12, 2017
Sending you warmth KT.
Bo said
Apr 12, 2017
Happiness, creating a life one can be happy with, serenity, and so many of those things, often leads to the question -- leave or stay? Do those things come with or without the alcoholic. In the opening of the meetings I attend there is a line that says..."We, too, were lonely and frustrated, but in Al-Anon we discover that no situation is really hopeless, and that it is possible for us to find contentment, and even happiness, whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not."
Some people are able to build, find, etc., a life, where they are happy -- with the alcoholic. That is their life, their happiness. If they are happy, that is all that counts. We do not judge. Others are not able to find that, so they have to go find and build that life -- without the alcoholic. That said, I've often said that this is not a program to teach you how to leave an alcoholic and get divorced. Nor is it a program to teach you how to not leave and stay married to an alcoholic. Each person, each situation, is their own. This is your program, this is your recovery. Each person is a person and situation unto itself, and unto himself or herself. I've also said this is not a program to teach you how to tolerate the intolerable. It is not a program to teach you how to accept the unacceptable.
This program can and will teach you a great deal of tremendous, valuable, priceless things. I've often told newcomers, and seasoned people alike, that this program will help YOU. It will allow you to reach a point where you can and will be in a place where you can make healthy decisions, decisions that are best for you, and you can and will be able to make decisions from a place of strength, clear-thinking, intellect, logic, and more. Thus, you won't be making decisions based upon or under duress, fear, pressure, stress, angst, anxiety, and so on. In this program -- if you do the work -- you will get better. Al-Anon can and will give you a strength, it will give you the ability to focus, and have clarity, and you will be healthy. The so called "world" around you might not be, but that will not infiltrate your life, your world, and that will not make you unhealthy again. Al-Anon will help you "know" and you'll know when you know. You'll get there when you get there. This program is about YOU.
Bo said
Apr 12, 2017
My sponsor just reminded me of something...when debating, conflicted, etc., about leaving or staying...if fear, uncertainty, or anything of the like is coming into play...he told me long ago...
When the pain or fear of staying...becomes greater than the pain or fear of leaving...then you will leave...
I've been trying to write this post on and off for more than a week but I just can't figure out exactly what the point of it is. So I keep deleting it and starting over. This time I am going to get it out. I feel like I'm starting to accept that my AH is in fact an AH and that our relationship isn't healthy. The longer I am in the program the calmer my life gets. The highs and lows of my relationship aren't happening and I am so grateful that I am not on that rollercoaster anymore. When we have a bad time I don't panic and try to people please my way out of it. I am getting a lot better at accepting things for how they are not trying to make them into what I want. This means that when my AH gets angry with me for standing up for myself and setting a boundary I've been living with the fact that he's angry with me. That has been no easy task but has shown me how far I have come. Without all the drama clouding my judgement I feel like I can see things more clearly. IN the past our pattern would be we would have a big argument and then I would do almost anything to keep the peace even go against my better judgement and then I would push away the unpleasant feelings and the issues that came up and we would have this great make up until things got bad again. So the last issue we had I asked him not to speak to me the way he had. He did everything he could to point the finger at me, deny that he was rude and insulting, accused me of having an intense reaction, anything and everything that likely worked on me in the past and it just didn't work. I felt like I could really see things clearly. I felt calmer than I have in the past during arguments and refused to argue. He barely spoke to me for a week. He continued to want to discuss it and I continued to tell him that I felt he was rude to me and he continued to tell me I was wrong. He went so far as to deny the words he said to me. Then one day in passing on the stairs he said "You know I don't like it when I talk to you like that" Wait, what? UGH. I'm just tired of it all. I don't feel so clingy and desperate for him anymore which is a really great thing. But now that I am taking care of myself I can see how much work this relationship is and sometimes I wonder.....for what? I also feel as though I am the only one trying to save it. I used to go to great lengths to make things better then get resentful of it later. Now I am trying to go only as far as I feel comfortable and if that doesn't fix things I can live with that. I'm starting for the first time to think about leaving. This is huge for me because I couldn't even bare the thought of it in the past it would fill me with panic. Now, I can think about it in a peaceful way. Ironically when I was at my worst I threatened it all the time but never followed through and didn't really want it. Now that I am truly feeling that way I haven't said it at all. I'm truly grateful for Al Anon and how I am accepted in my group despite my marital situation. No one has ever told me to stay or to leave my AH. This program has taught me that if I keep the focus on myself I will come to my own conclusion. I'm not there yet but I am taking it one day at a time and for once I am considering things based on my own happiness. Does staying with the AH make me happy? Lately the answer is no. I'm going to give it some time. There is no rush to make the decision. I was speaking with a friend of mine who lived with an AH and she said that she came to the decision to get divorced not based on the worst thing he ever did but something relatively small. He said or did something that he had always said or did and she realized she didn't want to live that way anymore. So I am going to trust that when I know I know. I have more confidence in my decision making than I ever have. Al Anon has given me so much strength, strength I didn't know I had within me. Thanks for listening.
I just wanted to say it wasn't the drinking that did me in it was a multitude of things for me it was a big thing it was the cheating. It was just the sheer disrespect I got tired of with him. By that time I don't know that I was any better I just wanted to get out. Plus my kids were absolutely being affect by the craziness in the home and whatever the motivation it was what worked for me. No one ever told me to stay or go .. ironically I was the odd duck for leaving believe it or not .. small town small groups.
You truly will know when you know and it will be what is right .. I just understood I was not going to have a relationship like I wanted.
Hugs S :)
((KT))) Trust the process. I hear awareness and acceptance in your share . The correct action will be made clear.
Positive thoughts on the way.
Hello KT,
What a powerful share. "More will be revealed." You are most definitely on a journey to find your truth...... I can so relate to much of what you have written and it is just awesome to see your progress in the program.
Your decision either way will be made with confidence and insight and peace.
((((Hugs))) to you,
Ellen
Keep doing what you're doing - it's looking really great on you!
Your share about fixing the problem at the cost of myself really hit home for me. It's so true. And also (before the program) all the times I have tried to "fix" the relationship. I was practicing let it go (before I knew what it was), letting go of the past resentments and trying to move forward. Choosing to be happy. It would work for a bit (or so I fooled myself into thinking) until the next time he would lash out of me for no reason. The resentment of me always trying and nothing in return. I would say on his end in the last year it has gotten so bad that the little thing like a simple birthday or Christmas present just isn't something he can muster up energy or whatever to do. A card? A flower? Even just saying happy birthday on my birthday (didn't happen). If I was my friend talking to me I'd think that is beyond crazy. But here I am accepting of the bad behavior. Rambling, sorry! Ha
Anyways, reading your share this morning was exactly what I needed. So thank you. (((Hugs)))
Happiness, creating a life one can be happy with, serenity, and so many of those things, often leads to the question -- leave or stay? Do those things come with or without the alcoholic. In the opening of the meetings I attend there is a line that says..."We, too, were lonely and frustrated, but in Al-Anon we discover that no situation is really hopeless, and that it is possible for us to find contentment, and even happiness, whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not."
Some people are able to build, find, etc., a life, where they are happy -- with the alcoholic. That is their life, their happiness. If they are happy, that is all that counts. We do not judge. Others are not able to find that, so they have to go find and build that life -- without the alcoholic. That said, I've often said that this is not a program to teach you how to leave an alcoholic and get divorced. Nor is it a program to teach you how to not leave and stay married to an alcoholic. Each person, each situation, is their own. This is your program, this is your recovery. Each person is a person and situation unto itself, and unto himself or herself. I've also said this is not a program to teach you how to tolerate the intolerable. It is not a program to teach you how to accept the unacceptable.
This program can and will teach you a great deal of tremendous, valuable, priceless things. I've often told newcomers, and seasoned people alike, that this program will help YOU. It will allow you to reach a point where you can and will be in a place where you can make healthy decisions, decisions that are best for you, and you can and will be able to make decisions from a place of strength, clear-thinking, intellect, logic, and more. Thus, you won't be making decisions based upon or under duress, fear, pressure, stress, angst, anxiety, and so on. In this program -- if you do the work -- you will get better. Al-Anon can and will give you a strength, it will give you the ability to focus, and have clarity, and you will be healthy. The so called "world" around you might not be, but that will not infiltrate your life, your world, and that will not make you unhealthy again. Al-Anon will help you "know" and you'll know when you know. You'll get there when you get there. This program is about YOU.
My sponsor just reminded me of something...when debating, conflicted, etc., about leaving or staying...if fear, uncertainty, or anything of the like is coming into play...he told me long ago...
When the pain or fear of staying...becomes greater than the pain or fear of leaving...then you will leave...