Hello, I'm new to Al Anon. I haven't attended a meeting yet, but plan to do so soon. I have an AH, who just started drinking again. We have been married less than 3 years. I didn't know he was an alcoholic when we married. Soon into the marriage he became an active drinker, and then it all came out. He has been sober twice since. First he attended AA meetings and that helped. Then he fell off. Then I told him that I couldn't be with him like this, so he decided to do rehab. He was in rehab for a month and that was last August. Things were great. I had my husband back; the person I married, but now he started drinking again. I have learned to follow my gut, so I knew when he began to lie about it. When I confronted him, he was angry. He wanted to talk about it, but I told him I wouldn't because he was drunk and not in a good place to be able to speak. He wouldn't let me out of the room we were in (which is an office behind our garage, outside of our home). I told him that if he didn't let me out I would call the police. Only once I did, he let me go. I told 911 I had misdialed, because I truly didn't want to get him in trouble but I wanted out. I came into the house and locked him out. I told him through the door to just go to his office and be there until he was sober; that we would talk after. But he went crazy trying to get in. He shook one of the windows so much that it shattered. We had a discussion and then he left to a hotel. The window was $300 and the hotel is $100 a night, and to top it off he withdrew $5000 from our account without letting me know because "I was afraid of ending up homeless, because you wouldn't support me." He doesn't have a job right now, so that's why he's concerned. I don't think I could let him go homeless, because deep down I love him, but I also don't have the money to be dealing with his problems time and time again. My plan is as follows: Take his name out of the accounts. I figure he has $5000 to his name; that should last him a while. I will inform him after I do it, so that he can realize that money will not be accessible and he needs to watch what he does with it. Tomorrow he comes by and we are supposed to talk. I have decided that I need a separation from him. I don't know if it will be permanent; all I know is that my daughter and I can't be in a life that's a roller coaster. I'm exhausted, emotionally and physically. My heart wants to be with him, but my head doesn't. So I'm in a lot of emotional pain right now. I would like to have the strength to just end the relationship, but it saddens me, because when he's not drinking he is a good kind-hearted man. He is a lawyer, and when he is working he does well (not great, but well). However, in this household, I'm the main breadwinner. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing. Even if we separate, can I truly ever trust him? Is that the life I want to live? I'm hoping the separation will help me clear my head so that I can make that decision. Initially I thought the separation would be a way to see if he will be serious, but after reading so many stories on this board I realize that he can always have a relapse. And I just don't know if I can live with that fear. I also feel terrible for my daughter. My previous spouse passed away when she was 4. I thought this was a chance for her to have a father once again, but I don't want her to have him as an example in her life. I don't want her to live a life of turmoil instead of peace, because I'm still in love with him. I know tomorrow's talk will be hard, because the minute I mention separation he will not take it well. And one more dilemma. I have to travel for work for a week in a couple of weeks. Originally our daughter, who is 12, would stay with him. He says that right now he is not drinking and of course he would stay with her. I'm not concerned about him doing anything to our daughter; he has always been good with her, and he has never gotten physical. But I am concerned of him coming into the house again. I would like to think that he won't do anything harmful as in break any of the stuff in the house, but I just don't know anymore. So now I'm wondering if I should have my daughter stay with friends. That will upset him even more as well, but what can I do? I just don't know. Sorry for all my rambling; I truly am at a crossroads.
Iamhere said
Apr 9, 2017
(((Hugs))) and welcome to MIP. Alcoholism is a chronic, progressive disease which one never truly heals from but can recover. It's considered a family disease as those who love them typically are also affected. We embrace unhealthy thinking, distorted decision making and basically can obsess over what they do and don't do - having our life and actions revolve around the alcohol.
Al-Anon is for the family and friends of alcoholics and is open for anyone whether the drinker is in recovery or not. We work the same 12 steps adapted for our affects from the disease. Each person's situation is unique, so we don't give advice. We do share ESH (Experience, Strength & Hope) so others can possibly use what did/did not work for us.
I do encourage you to find meetings and attend. I understand the fear you speak of and found hope only in the program. Please know you are not alone, and there is help and hope in the rooms of recovery.
Keep coming back!
hotrod said
Apr 9, 2017
Welcome Claudia, i support all that IAH has suggested and urge you to keep coming back. There is hope and help .
milkwood said
Apr 9, 2017
Welcome to MIP and sending ((((((Hugs)))))))
It is such a ghastly disease and I am so sorry to hear that you are on this roller-coaster. It must have been frightening when that window smashed, and having to lock someone you love out in order to protect your sanity and safety is a tough decision to make - well done on managing to stay consistent and keep to your boundaries.
I like the ways that you are thinking about your daughter and keeping your own needs and feelings front of mind - I think that listening to, and trusting our own instinct is a good thing.
There are lots of crossroads in our situations and when I get to one, and don't have a sense of the right turning to take, I remind myself of our Al Anon slogan 'Just for Today'. I have found that I don't have to have the rest of my life totally planned out, but if I can react as I need to in order to preserve my serenity just for today, that is usually fine, and it makes it easier to get a sense of what feels right for me as well. If something is playing on my mind, it usually means that it needs my attention and I find it so easy to then spiral into lots of different things from there. If I give that one thing that keeps coming up five minutes of my 'business' mind and then sitting quietly to listen to my gut about the outcome I've arrived at - do I feel tense or relief? - then I trust my gut!!!
I agree with the others, learning from those that have walked this path before us is so helpful and reassuring and getting to meet people face to face, and feel their calm, meant a lot to me.
It sounds as if you are a busy person, with plenty on your plate without having to worry about what alcoholism is doing in the wings. After trying lots of different things I've come to the conclusion that keeping the balance that I need, and keeping my focus on me, generally works out ok. When I try to compromise too much, or change & second guess someone else, who is on a different path, then I don't do well in myself!
Stay safe. Stay kind. And once again, welcome!
Neroli said
Apr 9, 2017
Hello At a crossroads. You sound very rational, kind and responsible. Those qualities are admirable and hard to maintain given the circumstances, so to me you sound like you're doing well (given the circumstances).
I have found that it's hard to make decisions under the stress of my son's addiction. For long term decisions I used to obsess endlessly until I learned to stop myself from thinking the same thoughts and worries over and over with no resolution. I found that if I did not know what to decide yet it was because I was not ready. If there is no need to decide right now and I don't know what to do, I just let it go and don't decide, while still taking in any relevant information. Eventually I am ready and know what to do. This strategy has worked for me and led to better decision making.
For decisions that must be made right now, I try to align myself with a higher power (and in Alanon we all get to decide what higher power means to us) and do the best I can in that moment. When my son was rampaging through the house I came close to calling the police, but I didn't. Afterwards I felt that I should have called the police. But I had to go through that experience to figure out where my threshold was going to be for calling the police. So I've felt that the "mistakes" I've made in this horrible process have helped me to understand how to handle it, probably better than times I did not make a mistake. If I feel like I need to be tough, but I can't be tough, then I'm not ready to be tough yet. And I'm glad I didn't get tough until I was good and ready. Hope that makes sense.
Going to Alanon meetings, talking to others who've gone through similar situations, reading Alanon literature and meditation have all been extremely helpful to get me through the hard times. I hope you'll find the same.
At a crossroads said
Apr 9, 2017
Thank you all for your comments. Through your own experiences it makes sense to take it just one day at a time, and focus on short-term decisions instead of long-term decisions. I was becoming so obsessed and overwhelmed trying to figure it all out now, but that's not necessary. I'm going to do this one step at a time. I really appreciate all your feedback.
tiredtonite said
Apr 9, 2017
Hi At a crossroads,
Just wanted to welcome you. Hope you find an Alanon meeting that is good for you. Our answers and decisions are clearer as we work the program. We don't give advice in Alanon just share our own experience from working the Alanon program.
It's suggested in the Alanon program that we don't make life changing decisions for the first six months after entering the Alanon program. Alanon considers living in a violent situation to be an exception to that suggestion. Glad you joined us here. Keep coming back to share. (((hugs))) TT
Mattie said
Apr 9, 2017
Hi, At A Crossroads - I'm glad you have found us.
We are certainly entitled to make any decision about our relationship that we think best. One reason that Al-Anon cautions people about taking big steps early on is that without some program behind us, we tend to plunge into things without as much preparation as we need. This is understandable, as sometimes we've been hanging on by our fingernails by so long that we just can't wait to get ourselves to a better place. But for longterm changes to work best, emotional and logistical preparation is helpful. I think many of us on here have had the experience of being fed up to the back teeth of the chaos of being around our alcoholic, and so we separate in a sudden way. But then once we've cooled down we start to miss them, and we haven't paved the way for our own recovery entirely, and we tend to forget all the horrible parts of the relationship. And we convince ourselves it will be different this time, or the A convinces us that as soon as we come back, things will change. And so we allow ourselves to be lured back in. And pretty soon we find we're right back where we started from. So it's helpful to get some recovery under our belts to keep our head straight when that period kicks in.
One thing I have learned is that if the A is full of promises about quitting if only we come back - if he's that serious about quitting, he can go ahead and do it, and when we see that his recovery is longterm and solid, then we can come back. Not before the recovery.
I think on the money front a lawyer's advice is always good. There are so many ways we can get tripped up if we don't know the law.
I hope if there is even a tiny suggestion that your A might be capable of violence, that you won't meet him in person to tell him your decisions, but will convey the news some other way. And will get advice from a Domestic Violence hotline. The point where the spouse decides to leave is the most vulnerable for violence in the whole relationship. That's whenever you decide to tell him, if you decide to separate - I don't mean that it's a done deal, just if.
Take good care of yourself.
At a crossroads said
Apr 9, 2017
Thank you for your feedback. I spoke with my AH today, and informed him of doing a trial separation. He threatened to go straight into a divorce, because he didn't want to do a separation and that if that was the case that then we might as well divorce. I kept my cool and told him that it would sadden me to move so quickly in that direction, but that if he's not willing to do a trial separation then yes, we would need to divorce. He calmed down and told me to give him a chance to think about it, because he was speaking hastily. He wants to recover while he's home, but I told him that will not happen. We did that once before, but I told him that if he ever drank again that he would need to move out. I have to keep my word, otherwise he just won't take me seriously. I truly don't know what the future holds. I think that if he gets better and is well in recovery mode maybe we can continue. I really love him very much. But on the other hand, I'm scared of living a life with an AH, wondering when he will fall again. I've been reading many other experiences and it just surprises me how many fall, then get back up, then a few years pass and then back down again. Although sometimes it can be 10, 20 years, but it is very difficult to know that you're living with a time bomb. I don't know if I can do it. Then again, it's not going to be something I decide today. Today it was about having some space. On Monday, I will be taking off his name from our checking account so that he doesn't withdraw money. It will force me to ask me so that I can control our finances. It makes me sad, but I just don't trust him. That has been a recurring theme, lack of trust. I wonder if I ever will trust him again?
a4l said
Apr 9, 2017
You know, leaving and staying are both processes. I think it is very smart and absolutely the right thing to do to protect your finances. Alcoholism and fiscal responsibility are not sympathetic to each other and alcoholism is progressive, it only gets worse. Do seek out face to face meetings, there are others who understand. Whatever you do or don't do, the tools of alanon can only help.
Junenine said
Apr 9, 2017
(((At a crossroads))) just want to say hello and that i relate SO much to all you say. i am at a very similar crossroad in my relationship. i do not know what i'll decide. i'm also afraid of living with the "time bomb" of this disease... and my partner's track record of recovery is not good. he was sober when we met, but relapsed a couple years later, and we've been on a 3+ year rollercoaster thanks to his relapse and related issues. at the moment he is sober but we've had some serious problems because his behavior is not sober, which has made me despair and really question whether i can or should stay with him, even though i love him and know he loves me.
anyway, i truly relate to your situation and appreciate the comments in response, so thank you for sharing, and thanks to all the members who wrote because i find all your experience very valuable as well.
milkwood said
Apr 10, 2017
Hello At a Crossroads,
Good to hear your update, it sounds as if you handled that meeting very well.
I understand what you mean by the 'time bomb'. One of the people that I had to learn to trust was myself. I have no idea what time bombs lie ahead of me, but when I'm trusting of myself that whatever comes up, I'll handle it and be ok, then I can relax and get on with today.
I have found that this dis-ease of alcoholism has made me much more uncertain of myself and my surroundings than I used to be, darn it!!! One of the benefits is that getting to relearn that self-trust has been both empowering and fun.
At a crossroads said
Apr 10, 2017
Thank you all for your comments. I think it would help so much if I knew about more success stories. I read a study that said about 30% of alcoholic spouses stop drinking for good. These numbers are better if the person is over 40 years old and if they are married. This last part gives me some hope; however, 30% is not a very high number. I'm looking at the rest of my life, and I am concerned to play these odds if I would be faced with a life of ups and downs and lack of trust. I miss him and love him very much, but I don't know if I can accept that rollercoaster lifestyle. Only time will tell. I told him that he needs to get his act together. He needs to get a job, go back to AA meetings and see a therapist. He needs to prove to me that he can be a productive member of this family, before I can accept him back in. Clearly this is going to take time. I'm not exactly in a hurry to jump into any other relationship (I think I'm cured for a while!), so I will wait patiently and see what happens. It's really up to him right now, and if he succeeds, then it will be up to me whether I want to let him back into my life or not; whether I can trust him again or not. It's very hard, because it's a lonely decision. Thank goodness for work, as it keeps me busy. I wish that alcoholism didn't have such a negative stigma, so that I could feel comfortable talking to my friends and family about it. I just feel that if I do, they will judge him harshly, and I don't want that either. I also feel that to a certain extent it reflects on me. I mean, how could I have fallen for an alcoholic? Granted, I wasn't aware that he was one until after we married, but still. Could I not see the signs? What does that say about me? Lots to ponder.
2XW said
Apr 10, 2017
I'm a newbie double winner. I just started Alanon a few months ago, but I have 9 years of sobriety in the other program. My wife and I just celebrated our 10th anniversary and have been happily married for 9 of those years. And I honestly can't remember the first year before I went to rehab. Unfortunatley I think most of us get a little preoccupied with the stories that don't work out. People do get sober and good lives do go on. I've seen them around me. I know a lot of happy endings from the meetings I go to. My sponsor and his wife have been married 38 years, and they're the most loving couples I know. The first six years they were drunks, and got recovery thru AA. People find recovery every day. Some relationships survive the battle of addiction. Others do not. There is no way of knowing what will happen - how you or your husband will change and grow through this process. When we stopped trying to force the future to look the way we wanted it to and opened our minds to the possibility that life was unfolding as it should, we both found recovery. It has been an amazing journey, and we are happier today than we've have ever been. Good luck on yours.
At a crossroads said
Apr 10, 2017
Thank you; it really helps to hear the side of someone that has had success with the program. I pray that this will be the case with my husband.
Iamhere said
Apr 10, 2017
2XW - welcome to MIP - glad that you found us, joined right in and are a part of our journey!
2XW said
Apr 10, 2017
Thank you iamhere. Just finding my way around. Great site. Lots of insightful posts. I wanted to post something positive. But of course things are never just sunshine and butterflies only. I have a son that's battling this disease and that's what pulled me into Alanon.
Iamhere said
Apr 10, 2017
2XW - I can relate - I have 2 sons, both inheriting this disease from myself (sober) and my AH (not sober). Please keep coming back - spot on....not always sunshine and butterflies but recovery brings those out more often than BR (before recovery). Glad you are here!
milkwood said
Apr 11, 2017
I like success stories too Crossroads, if we are battling against the elements it is helpful to know that the weather can change!
My husband is three years sober. And we have been together through most of our rollercoaster merry-go-round, although I did leave from time to time and that was, frankly, a good thing for us both. The first two years of sobriety looked pretty weird from where I was standing, which was in a pool of expectations!. I had been expecting some kind of revelation and insight - and some appreciation as well. I thought I deserved that! I suspect it took all AH had to hang on to his sobriety though and I am hugely grateful that Al Anon taught me, during the drinking days, that I could have a happy life regardless of what AH was or wasn't doing.
In year three I am now a mature student at university and I love it. I need to trust my husband in all sorts of ways, but mostly to be able to care about those close to him and that is still a work in progress, but it is getting better. We are better able to talk about these things and I am learning that just because he doesn't like what I'm saying, it doesn't necessarily mean that I don't have a right to say it (as long as I don't point the blame finger or hurt his fragile self-worth it seems to go ok. Taking ownership of what I need, and why helps with this).
I would have liked to have drawn several lines in the sand sooner than I did, but there was other stuff that got in the way of my doing that at the time. So I salute you for understanding what you need and being clear about that. It took me a few years to value my self-esteem enough to have that kind of insight and as a result I can easily slip into feelings of fear and concern that I never used to suffer from. I'm still learning!!
I am pleased that AH and I are still together, we have lots of good shared memories as well as all the ****. This time I know that I have options if life gets too uncomfortable for me. We are now, finally, working towards learning and rebuilding our together life as well as independently. I don't know if it will work out, but then that is just the same as if I were building a life with someone else really! What I do know is that my life is fun and rewarding.
Talking to other Al Anon folks at meetings is an amazing feeling - when others get it, and I don't need to explain we can laugh at the bad times. It feels so great to get those feelings back and to understand my reality through talk.
Bo said
Apr 12, 2017
At a crossroads wrote:
Hello, I'm new to Al Anon. I haven't attended a meeting yet, but plan to do so soon. I have an AH, who just started drinking again. We have been married less than 3 years. I didn't know he was an alcoholic when we married. Soon into the marriage he became an active drinker, and then it all came out. He has been sober twice since. First he attended AA meetings and that helped. Then he fell off. Then I told him that I couldn't be with him like this, so he decided to do rehab. He was in rehab for a month and that was last August. Things were great. I had my husband back; the person I married, but now he started drinking again. I have learned to follow my gut, so I knew when he began to lie about it. When I confronted him, he was angry. He wanted to talk about it, but I told him I wouldn't because he was drunk and not in a good place to be able to speak. He wouldn't let me out of the room we were in (which is an office behind our garage, outside of our home). I told him that if he didn't let me out I would call the police. Only once I did, he let me go. I told 911 I had misdialed, because I truly didn't want to get him in trouble but I wanted out. I came into the house and locked him out. I told him through the door to just go to his office and be there until he was sober; that we would talk after. But he went crazy trying to get in. He shook one of the windows so much that it shattered. We had a discussion and then he left to a hotel. The window was $300 and the hotel is $100 a night, and to top it off he withdrew $5000 from our account without letting me know because "I was afraid of ending up homeless, because you wouldn't support me." He doesn't have a job right now, so that's why he's concerned. I don't think I could let him go homeless, because deep down I love him, but I also don't have the money to be dealing with his problems time and time again. My plan is as follows: Take his name out of the accounts. I figure he has $5000 to his name; that should last him a while. I will inform him after I do it, so that he can realize that money will not be accessible and he needs to watch what he does with it. Tomorrow he comes by and we are supposed to talk. I have decided that I need a separation from him. I don't know if it will be permanent; all I know is that my daughter and I can't be in a life that's a roller coaster. I'm exhausted, emotionally and physically. My heart wants to be with him, but my head doesn't. So I'm in a lot of emotional pain right now. I would like to have the strength to just end the relationship, but it saddens me, because when he's not drinking he is a good kind-hearted man. He is a lawyer, and when he is working he does well (not great, but well). However, in this household, I'm the main breadwinner. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing. Even if we separate, can I truly ever trust him? Is that the life I want to live? I'm hoping the separation will help me clear my head so that I can make that decision. Initially I thought the separation would be a way to see if he will be serious, but after reading so many stories on this board I realize that he can always have a relapse. And I just don't know if I can live with that fear. I also feel terrible for my daughter. My previous spouse passed away when she was 4. I thought this was a chance for her to have a father once again, but I don't want her to have him as an example in her life. I don't want her to live a life of turmoil instead of peace, because I'm still in love with him. I know tomorrow's talk will be hard, because the minute I mention separation he will not take it well. And one more dilemma. I have to travel for work for a week in a couple of weeks. Originally our daughter, who is 12, would stay with him. He says that right now he is not drinking and of course he would stay with her. I'm not concerned about him doing anything to our daughter; he has always been good with her, and he has never gotten physical. But I am concerned of him coming into the house again. I would like to think that he won't do anything harmful as in break any of the stuff in the house, but I just don't know anymore. So now I'm wondering if I should have my daughter stay with friends. That will upset him even more as well, but what can I do? I just don't know. Sorry for all my rambling; I truly am at a crossroads.
Welcome, you are in the right place. First, get to meetings. Now. ASAP. That is where you will learn what you need to learn and start doing the work you need to start doing. Right now you are focused on trying to fix it, and get what you want. Hence, you confronted him, you are "talking" to him, and you are going to try and get him to stop. I get it. Second, you are very focused on him -- telling the story, both sides, of good and bad, the marriage being good and bad, him being good and bad, and so on. Denial perhaps. But you are focused on him -- and how what you do will affect him. Thus, if your daughter stays with friends, it will upset him even more. I don't mean to sound cold -- but this is not about pleasing him or avoiding upsetting him. This is about you doing what is best for your daughter, and you. Period.
Don't sell yourself on when he's sober he's a great man. How often will he be sober? Part-time? Full-time? Is full-time what you want, want to demand, cajole, beg for, plead for, threaten for, convince him of? You are "in it" and need some space, distance, clarity and focus...and to focus on YOU. You need to starting doing the work and working on and focusing on YOU.
As far as the relapse, yes, they are always out there, the fear, the anxiety, the angst...here is my take on relapse. You can live with the fear...if you knew who your loved one would be when it happened. What I mean is that he's clean and sober. Life is wonderful. He has a relapse, but it's a slip. A drink, a night, whatever. It is a myopic, one-time incident. He pulls himself up, goes to a meeting, and starts all over again. Why? Because he wants to live a life of recovery. He wants to live and be clean and sober. He will be going to meetings, doing his readings, working with his sponsor, etc. -- and you will see what that life is like.
However, if he has a relapse, and it goes on. He vacillates, rationalizes, justifies, says it's no big deal, he could have a drink every once in awhile, and the meetings fall off, the work falls off, etc. -- and he is not living a life of recovery, not wanting to be clean and sober -- you will see the difference between this life and the other life...and then you can decide what life you want to live.
Does it always happen one of the above ways? No. But it is always easy to identify who the alcoholic is "being" as a person. Who do they want to be.
The next right move is for you to focus on you and for you to get better and healthy. The time is always now.
At a crossroads said
Apr 13, 2017
Thank you for your honest response; it's hard to be so rational when the heart still hurts, but I'm working on it. Mind over heart.
SerenityRUS said
Apr 13, 2017
The longest distance is 18 inches between your heart and head .. Or so I've heard.. It's hard however worth every bit of sanity I received back .. Keep coming back hugs
Hello, I'm new to Al Anon. I haven't attended a meeting yet, but plan to do so soon. I have an AH, who just started drinking again. We have been married less than 3 years. I didn't know he was an alcoholic when we married. Soon into the marriage he became an active drinker, and then it all came out. He has been sober twice since. First he attended AA meetings and that helped. Then he fell off. Then I told him that I couldn't be with him like this, so he decided to do rehab. He was in rehab for a month and that was last August. Things were great. I had my husband back; the person I married, but now he started drinking again. I have learned to follow my gut, so I knew when he began to lie about it. When I confronted him, he was angry. He wanted to talk about it, but I told him I wouldn't because he was drunk and not in a good place to be able to speak. He wouldn't let me out of the room we were in (which is an office behind our garage, outside of our home). I told him that if he didn't let me out I would call the police. Only once I did, he let me go. I told 911 I had misdialed, because I truly didn't want to get him in trouble but I wanted out. I came into the house and locked him out. I told him through the door to just go to his office and be there until he was sober; that we would talk after. But he went crazy trying to get in. He shook one of the windows so much that it shattered. We had a discussion and then he left to a hotel. The window was $300 and the hotel is $100 a night, and to top it off he withdrew $5000 from our account without letting me know because "I was afraid of ending up homeless, because you wouldn't support me." He doesn't have a job right now, so that's why he's concerned. I don't think I could let him go homeless, because deep down I love him, but I also don't have the money to be dealing with his problems time and time again. My plan is as follows: Take his name out of the accounts. I figure he has $5000 to his name; that should last him a while. I will inform him after I do it, so that he can realize that money will not be accessible and he needs to watch what he does with it. Tomorrow he comes by and we are supposed to talk. I have decided that I need a separation from him. I don't know if it will be permanent; all I know is that my daughter and I can't be in a life that's a roller coaster. I'm exhausted, emotionally and physically. My heart wants to be with him, but my head doesn't. So I'm in a lot of emotional pain right now. I would like to have the strength to just end the relationship, but it saddens me, because when he's not drinking he is a good kind-hearted man. He is a lawyer, and when he is working he does well (not great, but well). However, in this household, I'm the main breadwinner. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing. Even if we separate, can I truly ever trust him? Is that the life I want to live? I'm hoping the separation will help me clear my head so that I can make that decision. Initially I thought the separation would be a way to see if he will be serious, but after reading so many stories on this board I realize that he can always have a relapse. And I just don't know if I can live with that fear. I also feel terrible for my daughter. My previous spouse passed away when she was 4. I thought this was a chance for her to have a father once again, but I don't want her to have him as an example in her life. I don't want her to live a life of turmoil instead of peace, because I'm still in love with him. I know tomorrow's talk will be hard, because the minute I mention separation he will not take it well. And one more dilemma. I have to travel for work for a week in a couple of weeks. Originally our daughter, who is 12, would stay with him. He says that right now he is not drinking and of course he would stay with her. I'm not concerned about him doing anything to our daughter; he has always been good with her, and he has never gotten physical. But I am concerned of him coming into the house again. I would like to think that he won't do anything harmful as in break any of the stuff in the house, but I just don't know anymore. So now I'm wondering if I should have my daughter stay with friends. That will upset him even more as well, but what can I do? I just don't know. Sorry for all my rambling; I truly am at a crossroads.
Al-Anon is for the family and friends of alcoholics and is open for anyone whether the drinker is in recovery or not. We work the same 12 steps adapted for our affects from the disease. Each person's situation is unique, so we don't give advice. We do share ESH (Experience, Strength & Hope) so others can possibly use what did/did not work for us.
I do encourage you to find meetings and attend. I understand the fear you speak of and found hope only in the program. Please know you are not alone, and there is help and hope in the rooms of recovery.
Keep coming back!
It is such a ghastly disease and I am so sorry to hear that you are on this roller-coaster. It must have been frightening when that window smashed, and having to lock someone you love out in order to protect your sanity and safety is a tough decision to make - well done on managing to stay consistent and keep to your boundaries.
I like the ways that you are thinking about your daughter and keeping your own needs and feelings front of mind - I think that listening to, and trusting our own instinct is a good thing.
There are lots of crossroads in our situations and when I get to one, and don't have a sense of the right turning to take, I remind myself of our Al Anon slogan 'Just for Today'. I have found that I don't have to have the rest of my life totally planned out, but if I can react as I need to in order to preserve my serenity just for today, that is usually fine, and it makes it easier to get a sense of what feels right for me as well. If something is playing on my mind, it usually means that it needs my attention and I find it so easy to then spiral into lots of different things from there. If I give that one thing that keeps coming up five minutes of my 'business' mind and then sitting quietly to listen to my gut about the outcome I've arrived at - do I feel tense or relief? - then I trust my gut!!!
I agree with the others, learning from those that have walked this path before us is so helpful and reassuring and getting to meet people face to face, and feel their calm, meant a lot to me.
It sounds as if you are a busy person, with plenty on your plate without having to worry about what alcoholism is doing in the wings. After trying lots of different things I've come to the conclusion that keeping the balance that I need, and keeping my focus on me, generally works out ok. When I try to compromise too much, or change & second guess someone else, who is on a different path, then I don't do well in myself!
Stay safe. Stay kind. And once again, welcome!
Hello At a crossroads. You sound very rational, kind and responsible. Those qualities are admirable and hard to maintain given the circumstances, so to me you sound like you're doing well (given the circumstances).
I have found that it's hard to make decisions under the stress of my son's addiction. For long term decisions I used to obsess endlessly until I learned to stop myself from thinking the same thoughts and worries over and over with no resolution. I found that if I did not know what to decide yet it was because I was not ready. If there is no need to decide right now and I don't know what to do, I just let it go and don't decide, while still taking in any relevant information. Eventually I am ready and know what to do. This strategy has worked for me and led to better decision making.
For decisions that must be made right now, I try to align myself with a higher power (and in Alanon we all get to decide what higher power means to us) and do the best I can in that moment. When my son was rampaging through the house I came close to calling the police, but I didn't. Afterwards I felt that I should have called the police. But I had to go through that experience to figure out where my threshold was going to be for calling the police. So I've felt that the "mistakes" I've made in this horrible process have helped me to understand how to handle it, probably better than times I did not make a mistake. If I feel like I need to be tough, but I can't be tough, then I'm not ready to be tough yet. And I'm glad I didn't get tough until I was good and ready. Hope that makes sense.
Going to Alanon meetings, talking to others who've gone through similar situations, reading Alanon literature and meditation have all been extremely helpful to get me through the hard times. I hope you'll find the same.
Hi At a crossroads,
Just wanted to welcome you. Hope you find an Alanon meeting that is good for you. Our answers and decisions are clearer as we work the program. We don't give advice in Alanon just share our own experience from working the Alanon program.
It's suggested in the Alanon program that we don't make life changing decisions for the first six months after entering the Alanon program. Alanon considers living in a violent situation to be an exception to that suggestion. Glad you joined us here. Keep coming back to share. (((hugs))) TT
Hi, At A Crossroads - I'm glad you have found us.
We are certainly entitled to make any decision about our relationship that we think best. One reason that Al-Anon cautions people about taking big steps early on is that without some program behind us, we tend to plunge into things without as much preparation as we need. This is understandable, as sometimes we've been hanging on by our fingernails by so long that we just can't wait to get ourselves to a better place. But for longterm changes to work best, emotional and logistical preparation is helpful. I think many of us on here have had the experience of being fed up to the back teeth of the chaos of being around our alcoholic, and so we separate in a sudden way. But then once we've cooled down we start to miss them, and we haven't paved the way for our own recovery entirely, and we tend to forget all the horrible parts of the relationship. And we convince ourselves it will be different this time, or the A convinces us that as soon as we come back, things will change. And so we allow ourselves to be lured back in. And pretty soon we find we're right back where we started from. So it's helpful to get some recovery under our belts to keep our head straight when that period kicks in.
One thing I have learned is that if the A is full of promises about quitting if only we come back - if he's that serious about quitting, he can go ahead and do it, and when we see that his recovery is longterm and solid, then we can come back. Not before the recovery.
I think on the money front a lawyer's advice is always good. There are so many ways we can get tripped up if we don't know the law.
I hope if there is even a tiny suggestion that your A might be capable of violence, that you won't meet him in person to tell him your decisions, but will convey the news some other way. And will get advice from a Domestic Violence hotline. The point where the spouse decides to leave is the most vulnerable for violence in the whole relationship. That's whenever you decide to tell him, if you decide to separate - I don't mean that it's a done deal, just if.
Take good care of yourself.
(((At a crossroads))) just want to say hello and that i relate SO much to all you say. i am at a very similar crossroad in my relationship. i do not know what i'll decide. i'm also afraid of living with the "time bomb" of this disease... and my partner's track record of recovery is not good. he was sober when we met, but relapsed a couple years later, and we've been on a 3+ year rollercoaster thanks to his relapse and related issues. at the moment he is sober but we've had some serious problems because his behavior is not sober, which has made me despair and really question whether i can or should stay with him, even though i love him and know he loves me.
anyway, i truly relate to your situation and appreciate the comments in response, so thank you for sharing, and thanks to all the members who wrote because i find all your experience very valuable as well.
Good to hear your update, it sounds as if you handled that meeting very well.
I understand what you mean by the 'time bomb'. One of the people that I had to learn to trust was myself. I have no idea what time bombs lie ahead of me, but when I'm trusting of myself that whatever comes up, I'll handle it and be ok, then I can relax and get on with today.
I have found that this dis-ease of alcoholism has made me much more uncertain of myself and my surroundings than I used to be, darn it!!! One of the benefits is that getting to relearn that self-trust has been both empowering and fun.
I'm a newbie double winner. I just started Alanon a few months ago, but I have 9 years of sobriety in the other program. My wife and I just celebrated our 10th anniversary and have been happily married for 9 of those years. And I honestly can't remember the first year before I went to rehab. Unfortunatley I think most of us get a little preoccupied with the stories that don't work out. People do get sober and good lives do go on. I've seen them around me. I know a lot of happy endings from the meetings I go to. My sponsor and his wife have been married 38 years, and they're the most loving couples I know. The first six years they were drunks, and got recovery thru AA. People find recovery every day. Some relationships survive the battle of addiction. Others do not. There is no way of knowing what will happen - how you or your husband will change and grow through this process. When we stopped trying to force the future to look the way we wanted it to and opened our minds to the possibility that life was unfolding as it should, we both found recovery. It has been an amazing journey, and we are happier today than we've have ever been. Good luck on yours.
Thank you; it really helps to hear the side of someone that has had success with the program. I pray that this will be the case with my husband.
My husband is three years sober. And we have been together through most of our rollercoaster merry-go-round, although I did leave from time to time and that was, frankly, a good thing for us both. The first two years of sobriety looked pretty weird from where I was standing, which was in a pool of expectations!. I had been expecting some kind of revelation and insight - and some appreciation as well. I thought I deserved that! I suspect it took all AH had to hang on to his sobriety though and I am hugely grateful that Al Anon taught me, during the drinking days, that I could have a happy life regardless of what AH was or wasn't doing.
In year three I am now a mature student at university and I love it. I need to trust my husband in all sorts of ways, but mostly to be able to care about those close to him and that is still a work in progress, but it is getting better. We are better able to talk about these things and I am learning that just because he doesn't like what I'm saying, it doesn't necessarily mean that I don't have a right to say it (as long as I don't point the blame finger or hurt his fragile self-worth it seems to go ok. Taking ownership of what I need, and why helps with this).
I would have liked to have drawn several lines in the sand sooner than I did, but there was other stuff that got in the way of my doing that at the time. So I salute you for understanding what you need and being clear about that. It took me a few years to value my self-esteem enough to have that kind of insight and as a result I can easily slip into feelings of fear and concern that I never used to suffer from. I'm still learning!!
I am pleased that AH and I are still together, we have lots of good shared memories as well as all the ****. This time I know that I have options if life gets too uncomfortable for me. We are now, finally, working towards learning and rebuilding our together life as well as independently. I don't know if it will work out, but then that is just the same as if I were building a life with someone else really! What I do know is that my life is fun and rewarding.
Talking to other Al Anon folks at meetings is an amazing feeling - when others get it, and I don't need to explain we can laugh at the bad times. It feels so great to get those feelings back and to understand my reality through talk.
Welcome, you are in the right place. First, get to meetings. Now. ASAP. That is where you will learn what you need to learn and start doing the work you need to start doing. Right now you are focused on trying to fix it, and get what you want. Hence, you confronted him, you are "talking" to him, and you are going to try and get him to stop. I get it. Second, you are very focused on him -- telling the story, both sides, of good and bad, the marriage being good and bad, him being good and bad, and so on. Denial perhaps. But you are focused on him -- and how what you do will affect him. Thus, if your daughter stays with friends, it will upset him even more. I don't mean to sound cold -- but this is not about pleasing him or avoiding upsetting him. This is about you doing what is best for your daughter, and you. Period.
Don't sell yourself on when he's sober he's a great man. How often will he be sober? Part-time? Full-time? Is full-time what you want, want to demand, cajole, beg for, plead for, threaten for, convince him of? You are "in it" and need some space, distance, clarity and focus...and to focus on YOU. You need to starting doing the work and working on and focusing on YOU.
As far as the relapse, yes, they are always out there, the fear, the anxiety, the angst...here is my take on relapse. You can live with the fear...if you knew who your loved one would be when it happened. What I mean is that he's clean and sober. Life is wonderful. He has a relapse, but it's a slip. A drink, a night, whatever. It is a myopic, one-time incident. He pulls himself up, goes to a meeting, and starts all over again. Why? Because he wants to live a life of recovery. He wants to live and be clean and sober. He will be going to meetings, doing his readings, working with his sponsor, etc. -- and you will see what that life is like.
However, if he has a relapse, and it goes on. He vacillates, rationalizes, justifies, says it's no big deal, he could have a drink every once in awhile, and the meetings fall off, the work falls off, etc. -- and he is not living a life of recovery, not wanting to be clean and sober -- you will see the difference between this life and the other life...and then you can decide what life you want to live.
Does it always happen one of the above ways? No. But it is always easy to identify who the alcoholic is "being" as a person. Who do they want to be.
The next right move is for you to focus on you and for you to get better and healthy. The time is always now.