So this weekend, hubby and I need to call the A (hubby's brother) and the A's fiancee and let them both know very clearly that we will not be paying A's bills, handling his paperwork, finding new housing for him, or all the other myriad things that A has chosen not to take care of while he drinks and gambles online. Ugh....
I believe this is the right thing to do since A has shown no interest in recovery. But I still feel like a jerk saying it. Fiancee (who means well but is somewhat codependent) is leaving A's house soon and wants us to sort of take over the role she's been playing. And she's been his babysitter, literally dragging him to AA meetings (which he sleeps through), etc. Even if we didn't live 1,500 miles away, we wouldn't do this.
She tells us that if we love A or "want to save his life," we'll do it. (He has threatened suicide before.) But how can we save his life if he doesn't want to save it?
Dunno what I'm looking for. ESH? Any thoughts on how to interact with the codependent partner of an A are welcome. I didn't think we'd be dealing with two unwell individuals at the same time...
Thanks for listening.
MB11
Jerry F said
Apr 7, 2017
(((MB11))) get your phone book and look in the white pages for Al-Anon and then call that hotline number to find out where and when we get together in your area. Only one of the consequences of alcoholism is making you feel useless and then guilty about it. Our Face to Face meetings will support you and your husband a ton. There is so much to learn about this cunning, powerful and baffling disease which can never be cured only arrested by total abstinence which is his part of recovery. Keep coming back. ((((Hugs))))
Iamhere said
Apr 7, 2017
Hey MB - setting boundaries is hard - sticking to them can be very, very tricky/difficult. One way that may ease this is send your boundaries by email instead of phone call. The best suggestion that is popping into my head is to say what you mean, mean what you say (stick to it) and don't say it mean.
It is never easy - my son is in jail and has called about 40 times in the last 3 days asking us to bail him out. I've held fast to it and feel badly. My sponsor reminded me that doing the right thing is often harder than giving in.
(((Hugs))) - sending positive thoughts and prayers!
SerenityRUS said
Apr 7, 2017
What I thought first was what other people think of me is none of my business .. She's totally entitled to her thoughts and feelings .. However even she admits enough is enough if she's deciding it's not working for her. I remember my first x he was a drug addict and his dad was furious with me for leaving because he believed if I stepped in that he was finally done dealing with the drama of his son. Guess what .. No .. I had my own things to work through didn't get it right that time hoping I'm on the right track this time Lol. It was his dad's choice to step in and do the care taking I left. At first I felt bad that lasted a min .. Because his dad wasn't interested in "helping" when his son got fired for theft or didn't get another job for a year or decided to beat me because I had enough. For me I had given enough of myself .. So honestly .. She has a choice and you and your husband taking care of you is not a bad thing. The bil needs to be willing to do the work to get sober .. An easier softer way doesn't cut it. Hugs
makebelieve11 said
Apr 8, 2017
I like the idea of sending an email, Iamhere - then everything can be in writing and they can't ignore it as easily. We can always talk it over on the phone later. I'm sorry to hear about your son and hope things start turning around for him.
I agree, SerenityRUS, that it's a good sign that fiancee is moving out. She's worn herself out trying to "help" A and she's had it. "What other people think of me is none of my business" - I've heard people saying that around here, and it's a great tidbit. Need to tattoo it on my forehead.
JerryF - face-to-face meeting tomorrow morning. Hopefully I can get hubby up for it in time. If not I'll just go myself.
Thanks ~
MB11
Jerry F said
Apr 9, 2017
So right on...In support and will be keeping you and husband in mind as I am at mine. ((((hugs))))
Lyne said
Apr 9, 2017
Hi MB-You are off to a wonderful start as a newcomer to Alanon. The guilt can go and the confidence in yourself can grow stronger, one day at a time. I have 4 years in Alanon and have become a better, healthier person for it. I will never be perfect but I can continue to change in a very positive way. It is very difficult for me to ignore what my son thinks about my decision, to continue staying married to my A. I have done fairly well in breaking codependency with others, including my A. I just have to keep practicing my Alanon tools and I know I will be a better person for it. I don't have all the answers, but I have a huge family with Alanon that cares about my health and well-being. I am not alone, and help is here for me as I need it. All the best, Lyne
So this weekend, hubby and I need to call the A (hubby's brother) and the A's fiancee and let them both know very clearly that we will not be paying A's bills, handling his paperwork, finding new housing for him, or all the other myriad things that A has chosen not to take care of while he drinks and gambles online. Ugh....
I believe this is the right thing to do since A has shown no interest in recovery. But I still feel like a jerk saying it. Fiancee (who means well but is somewhat codependent) is leaving A's house soon and wants us to sort of take over the role she's been playing. And she's been his babysitter, literally dragging him to AA meetings (which he sleeps through), etc. Even if we didn't live 1,500 miles away, we wouldn't do this.
She tells us that if we love A or "want to save his life," we'll do it. (He has threatened suicide before.) But how can we save his life if he doesn't want to save it?
Dunno what I'm looking for. ESH? Any thoughts on how to interact with the codependent partner of an A are welcome. I didn't think we'd be dealing with two unwell individuals at the same time...
Thanks for listening.
MB11
(((MB11))) get your phone book and look in the white pages for Al-Anon and then call that hotline number to find out where and when we get together in your area. Only one of the consequences of alcoholism is making you feel useless and then guilty about it. Our Face to Face meetings will support you and your husband a ton. There is so much to learn about this cunning, powerful and baffling disease which can never be cured only arrested by total abstinence which is his part of recovery. Keep coming back. ((((Hugs))))
It is never easy - my son is in jail and has called about 40 times in the last 3 days asking us to bail him out. I've held fast to it and feel badly. My sponsor reminded me that doing the right thing is often harder than giving in.
(((Hugs))) - sending positive thoughts and prayers!
I agree, SerenityRUS, that it's a good sign that fiancee is moving out. She's worn herself out trying to "help" A and she's had it. "What other people think of me is none of my business" - I've heard people saying that around here, and it's a great tidbit. Need to tattoo it on my forehead.
JerryF - face-to-face meeting tomorrow morning. Hopefully I can get hubby up for it in time. If not I'll just go myself.
Thanks ~
MB11
So right on...In support and will be keeping you and husband in mind as I am at mine. ((((hugs))))