I'm at a loss and am completely exhausted after a few days in hell with my AXBF.
Long story short, we've been dating long distance for 8 months. He lost his job (due to his step-dad, not himself), and I offered for him to move in with me (I know, I know) because I thought maybe being in the same city would make things easier. Cut to this last weekend where we're out on a double date with a straight couple, and he gets mad/jealous of my friend's boyfriend saying I've been flirting all night. Wants to pick up beer on the way home, I don't fight it, but tell him I'm going to go to bed when we get home. Sends him into another spiral and he threatens to go out to a bar (how he usually threatens me into getting his way), this goes on for about an hour along with the usual "you're beneath me" "I'm out of your league" "you're fat and ugly" blah blah and I tell him this isn't working for me anymore and we need to end this before he moves here, and when he goes outside to smoke a cigarette I lock him out of the house (bad move, I know, but I couldn't handle another hour of him verbally berating me). He goes to the bars as threatened, and I let him back in to sleep. He tries to make amends the next morning, and I tell him that I meant what I said and that this isn't working anymore. He leaves. I feel guilty, so I make the drive to see him that night, but on my way he begins to drink and the insults come flying again. So I lay into him again, get to his house, and then leave 5 minutes within being there because I know we will just fight all night.
Cut to today. He's threatened to sleep with other people EVERY single night if I don't come back and make amends for "the horrible things I've done", and I've not given in. I had work to do, and told him I could come tonight (Wednesday) once I was finished with work. He begins drinking before I can get on the road, and I told him that I'm not coming tonight because I know having this kind of conversation with him while drunk will go nowhere.
I love him, but I'm literally at my wits end. I have no clue how to move forward. I love him, but I know he's emotionally abusive. I love him, but I'm afraid that things will get worse when we live together, not better. He's adamant about not being in AA or sober again, and I know I can't force that decision. But I also know that living with him and being in constant fear of an episode is paralyzing and exhausting.
hotrod said
Apr 5, 2017
Hello Josh Welcome You have just described the insanity that we have all experienced (in one form or another) when interacting with the disease of alcoholism. Alcoholism is a progressive, fatal disease over which we are powerless and affects everyone it touches. That is why Alanon, a recovery program for family and friends of alcoholics was founded. Face to face meetings are held in most communities so that attending these meetings, and developing new constructive tools to live by helps to restore our damaged self esteem and ability to focus on our own needs.
Please keep coming back and search out those meetings . Alanon saved my sanity and life.
SerenityRUS said
Apr 5, 2017
Hugs .. Glad you are here keep coming back. Emotionally bullies are the worst. It gets better when I'm able to heal and see things from a different perspective.
shrnp said
Apr 5, 2017
thekentuckygent,
Just because your significant other has an addiction, does not give them the right to emotionally abuse you. I am guilty of feeling sorry for my ex-bf and letting him drive me insane with similar behavior. I wish, I had the courage to come to Alanon meetings sooner. I hope things get better for you in time. Keep coming back.
Iamhere said
Apr 6, 2017
This disease is exhausting!!!! What you write about in your share is a perfect example of the disease in action. My best suggestion is live one moment or one day at a time, and put you first. I truly believe finding/attending some Al-Anon meetings will help you see that you are not alone and there is hope/help in recovery.
When I first came to Al-Anon, I just wanted a solution for 'them'. My distorted thinking thought all would be well if the substances were removed. What I heard was I too had become affected by the disease in ways that would unfold. I found this to be so, so true. I had low self-worth, low self-esteem and had compromised my principals and morals in ways I never thought I would - all to 'keep peace' and/or 'avoid drama/chaos'...
Getting around others who also lived through the exposure to the disease and came out of it better helped me realize that I would rather be unattached than be in an abusive situation. Once I 'got there', my boundaries became clearer than ever before and I was able to save my sanity, restore my values and live in peace with my AH.
Please keep coming back - you are not alone!
milkwood said
Apr 6, 2017
Hello KentuckyGent,
Well done on keeping to your boundaries - when I thought it through I figured that it wasn't helpful to me or my abusive husband if I put up with abuse. It took guts to say no despite the fear I felt. Alcohol made my husband emotionally abusive and the scars take a long time to heal - I even started to join in and give myself negative self-talk as well!
I love Al Anon, it's calm and acceptance and good sense!
I'm at a loss and am completely exhausted after a few days in hell with my AXBF.
Long story short, we've been dating long distance for 8 months. He lost his job (due to his step-dad, not himself), and I offered for him to move in with me (I know, I know) because I thought maybe being in the same city would make things easier. Cut to this last weekend where we're out on a double date with a straight couple, and he gets mad/jealous of my friend's boyfriend saying I've been flirting all night. Wants to pick up beer on the way home, I don't fight it, but tell him I'm going to go to bed when we get home. Sends him into another spiral and he threatens to go out to a bar (how he usually threatens me into getting his way), this goes on for about an hour along with the usual "you're beneath me" "I'm out of your league" "you're fat and ugly" blah blah and I tell him this isn't working for me anymore and we need to end this before he moves here, and when he goes outside to smoke a cigarette I lock him out of the house (bad move, I know, but I couldn't handle another hour of him verbally berating me). He goes to the bars as threatened, and I let him back in to sleep. He tries to make amends the next morning, and I tell him that I meant what I said and that this isn't working anymore. He leaves. I feel guilty, so I make the drive to see him that night, but on my way he begins to drink and the insults come flying again. So I lay into him again, get to his house, and then leave 5 minutes within being there because I know we will just fight all night.
Cut to today. He's threatened to sleep with other people EVERY single night if I don't come back and make amends for "the horrible things I've done", and I've not given in. I had work to do, and told him I could come tonight (Wednesday) once I was finished with work. He begins drinking before I can get on the road, and I told him that I'm not coming tonight because I know having this kind of conversation with him while drunk will go nowhere.
I love him, but I'm literally at my wits end. I have no clue how to move forward. I love him, but I know he's emotionally abusive. I love him, but I'm afraid that things will get worse when we live together, not better. He's adamant about not being in AA or sober again, and I know I can't force that decision. But I also know that living with him and being in constant fear of an episode is paralyzing and exhausting.
Hello Josh Welcome You have just described the insanity that we have all experienced (in one form or another) when interacting with the disease of alcoholism. Alcoholism is a progressive, fatal disease over which we are powerless and affects everyone it touches. That is why Alanon, a recovery program for family and friends of alcoholics was founded. Face to face meetings are held in most communities so that attending these meetings, and developing new constructive tools to live by helps to restore our damaged self esteem and ability to focus on our own needs.
Please keep coming back and search out those meetings . Alanon saved my sanity and life.
Just because your significant other has an addiction, does not give them the right to emotionally abuse you. I am guilty of feeling sorry for my ex-bf and letting him drive me insane with similar behavior. I wish, I had the courage to come to Alanon meetings sooner. I hope things get better for you in time. Keep coming back.
When I first came to Al-Anon, I just wanted a solution for 'them'. My distorted thinking thought all would be well if the substances were removed. What I heard was I too had become affected by the disease in ways that would unfold. I found this to be so, so true. I had low self-worth, low self-esteem and had compromised my principals and morals in ways I never thought I would - all to 'keep peace' and/or 'avoid drama/chaos'...
Getting around others who also lived through the exposure to the disease and came out of it better helped me realize that I would rather be unattached than be in an abusive situation. Once I 'got there', my boundaries became clearer than ever before and I was able to save my sanity, restore my values and live in peace with my AH.
Please keep coming back - you are not alone!
Well done on keeping to your boundaries - when I thought it through I figured that it wasn't helpful to me or my abusive husband if I put up with abuse. It took guts to say no despite the fear I felt. Alcohol made my husband emotionally abusive and the scars take a long time to heal - I even started to join in and give myself negative self-talk as well!
I love Al Anon, it's calm and acceptance and good sense!