I'm so over it. Not that i don't recognise it in my alanon self, because boy do I, but this is a written antidote to swallowing the lie. We are all ok and safe and getting on our feet. Actually there's a lot to be grateful for, i need to remind myself of that. Over here, they tend very well to the physical set up of a vulnerable person which is pretty mind blowing really, we have been recipients of kindness. Placed temporarily into a decent neighbourhood, part time onsite support and no ones taken a dime. (though thats a clerical error, still its a nominal amount even when rectified).It is for all intents and purposes the ideal placement for getting on ones feet. But i still keep putting myself in the middle which is no mans land. The AH is doing his AH thing....desperate urgency sums him up. We communicate (?? Is that the right word for discussions with an alcoholic in denial? ) and ive filed all of it under terminal uniqueness. He forgets just 7 weeks ago he was so totalled he crashed into our rubbish bin in the driveway. Now he's moved on to comparing himself to worse seeming alcoholics as proof that he isn't one. Ironic given that he himself has played that role for many many years amongst the alcoholics of our village and beyond. I did question the terminal uniqueness, mildly, as in, why amongst the millions and millions of people suffering the same affliction are you and you alone the one who's found the answer and the promise of never sinking again? No reply. Good because we both bloody know the answer to that question. Anyway, the terminal uniqueness is very relevant to me where i am because i have a tendency to desperately need quick fixes of which there are sadly none. Not ever. So everytime he speaks of future rainbows and riding upon them, i must remember terminal uniqueness is speaking and its a bunch of nonsense. Really, I must cut him out as an option for salvation. Because then, i have to focus on me and what im going to do. There's no point in persuing child support because he will just leave the country which is fine, I'd quite like to go back to the islands and regroup myself but i can't. School, airfares,family dramas, bla. No point running yet, I'll still be there where ever i go. Im not wanting to put the girls into daycare, it goes against my core beleifs..... But what else is there to do? So much crap to take care of, i just want to go for a big long walk. And drink a lot of coffee. None of which is going to get us out of here and really living.

Big hugs!!! I listened to an A share about sitting in jail in a ballroom gown after they totaled their car. They went on to say they didn't belong in jail. The level of denial I saw on that moment was pointed out by a long timer who bluntly said none of us ever belong where we are however it's exactly what the consequences of actions have earned me. Sounds like you were exactly where you belonged. There's truth on both sides of that coin. You are doing great!!! You Keep on doing What you are doing!!! Sending lots of love and prayers. S :)

Thank you my ladies! I did end up taking that walk and drinking that coffee, after making an appointment to see a daycare tomorrow morning. Feet, follow each other.

Sounds as if you have "Smart Feet" A41. Keep on keeping on my friend

(((Hugs))) - So glad you took care of you with that long walk and some coffee! I am one who believes my HP speaks to me during my walks outside. No matter the state of my mind when I depart, I am still simply amazed and often in awe at the perfection of small things - flowers, grass, clouds, etc. Maybe it's just me but a walk often just changes my outlook in small ways and energizes me for what comes next.

As I read your share, the serenity prayer popped to the front of my brain. I 'see' it in action in your words and your actions. I agree - "smart feet" - you got this and we're here for you.

Continued prayers and positive thoughts sent your way from my part of the world!

((((a41))) you are brave and worthy. Daycare is a huge decision to have to make. I love that you want quick fixes but choose to take it one day at time, moment to moment, taking a walk to get a better perspective, all the good things Al-Anon teaches us. I can see you are really living and you are inspiration. I hope you have a lovely day, I'm sending positive energy your way.