I recently started seeing a male friend of mine but it started during a bad time in his life and he ultimately ended up in rehab. He is now in intensive outpatient at the facility and has his phone. Everytime i reach out he seems angry with me. I know this is to be expected and he has voiced frustration with medication and not knowing when he was coming home. I have backed off and stopped asking questions because i know that just stresses him out. I know i need to be patient and understanding but his comments are taking a toll on me emotionally also. I have never dealt with this before and was looking for any insight from anyone else who has been here. I dont want to give up on him yet.
Jerry F said
Apr 5, 2017
Aloha Mandi and welcome to the board. Early Suggestion? Look in the white pages of your local telephone book or check with AlAnon.Org for the face to face meetings in your area and then attend as early as you can if you already are not attending. Read back over the multitude of shares on this forum regarding relationships with alcoholics and other seriously addicted people so you might come to an understanding about what happens with those of us who have attempted "to be there" for someone addicted. This is a cunning, powerful and baffling disease not to be taken lightly. Keep coming back...this works when we work it. ((((Hugs))))
Mandi2413 said
Apr 5, 2017
Thank you jerry...i have found a local alanon meeting that i will be attending. I know this disease is not to be taken lightly and am glad i have found this forum. Friends and family have told me to just walk away but i care about this indiviual too much and am a firm believer that no one should have to struggle alone.
SerenityRUS said
Apr 5, 2017
Welcome Mandi,
I hope you will read through other people's posts so you full understand what you are dealing with, I really recommend listening to both alanon and AA recovery speakers because they talk about where they used to be where they are now.
While no one should have to go alone .. addiction is a very lonely disease because the disease drives the person who is affected by it and I am also referring to the loved ones involved.
The one question I want to ask you for you to think about is this .. if you knew nothing was going to change 5 years from now .. he was exactly where he is now can you love the person that he is .. NOT what you think he should or could be? I guess a better way to phrase it could love him right where he is at and allow him to be who he is without loosing yourself in the process.
I really encourage you to think about it what your goals and aspirations are outside of this relationship. Why do you want to rescue this person and why would you begin a relationship knowing this is where he's at.
I'm not telling you to stay or go .. what I am saying is take a step back and realistically look at what your motives are for pursuing a man who is clearly emotionally unavailable to you today and may never be emotionally available to you.
My caution is that years can fly by in an instant and when nothing changes .. nothing changes.
Big hugs and a warm welcome to our group .. I am clearly no longer with my A however he was not my first rodeo in the throws of addiction.
S :)
Iamhere said
Apr 5, 2017
Welcome to MIP Mandi - glad you found us and glad that you shared.
I can relate to your share and what I've learned in recovery is how they act, what they say, etc. is truly not about me or what I'm saying/doing. It's about them and where they are. It takes practice to work the Al-Anon program but it will give you exactly what you need to get through the difficult times caused by this disease.
Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!!
Mandi2413 said
Apr 5, 2017
Should i reiterate to them that i am proud of the steps they are taking and that i am there for them or do i stay silent.
a4l said
Apr 5, 2017
He sounds a bit raw at the moment. Me, I'd give him space. You sound like your walking on eggshells which is a difficult space from which to reach out. Do seek out alanon meetings, you've already been affected by the disease, as have we all. Getting off those eggshells, the right responses generally flow a lot better. Alanon is the program for that. We didn't cause, can't control nor cure anothers addiction. Good luck .
Mandi2413 said
Apr 5, 2017
I am walking on eggshells. Should i be or should i talk to them the way i always have. I know that when he lashes out its not necessarily against me it has to do with what he is feeling.
Jerry F said
Apr 5, 2017
Mandi the fellowship doesn't give advise. We share our experiences, strengths and hopes which is how we were brought along on this journey and saying that I must also say we have been where you are at right now. I tried everything that I thought would work for the relationships I had with alcoholics and addicts in my life. Keeping in mind that I was born and raised in this disease and also a member of both programs what worked best for me was to form relationships within the program rather than outside of it. Obviously the relationships in the program were recovery based and centered which helped me grow even while I was craving the alcoholics and addicts. No I will not hint that all alcoholics and addicts are the same however the differences are very slim and still devastatingly insane. Learning how to love myself as much or more than those I attempted to fix was learning rocket science and I'm glad I took the steps I did to have the sanity, serenity and sobriety I have now.
Take your time. Find a power greater than yourself that you understand and hook up with the wise old timers who have come before you. I am in support of you both. ((((hugs))))
a4l said
Apr 5, 2017
I get it Mandi-we worry. We want to get it right. The thing is, it's bigger than us anyway. There's a good pamphlet called " the Merry go round called denial" which is available online. It gives an overview of alcoholism and the roles of non alcoholics. At most meetings, literature is available. There is also the alanon hotline you can ring for more information and literature, i think, I've been to some meetings that haven't had newcomers packs but im sure if you ring and ask for one or how to get one they can help Out. all are alanon volunteers.
SerenityRUS said
Apr 5, 2017
There are many pamphlets available for free download here on the site as well as on line. If you can't find what you are looking for here do a Google search. It doesn't matter what you say .. Addiction is bigger than you .. It will never be the right words to keep him sober .. It's not about you. Hugs keep coming back.
Jayla said
Apr 5, 2017
Hi Mandi. You might want to scroll down the list of conversations a bit until you get to the one called Can an Alcoholic Marriage Ever be Healthy? and read that one. I know you aren't talking marriage but we had a good discussion about what it's like to be in a serious relationship with an alcoholic. You might read it and see if you think that is what you want to pursue in your life. I know your A is in rehab right now but I believe if you look at statistics, most do not overcome the disease so if you want a relationship with this person, these are some of the issues you may face in later years bc alcoholism is a PROGRESSIVE disease. Best wishes and remember to take care of yourself too!
I recently started seeing a male friend of mine but it started during a bad time in his life and he ultimately ended up in rehab. He is now in intensive outpatient at the facility and has his phone. Everytime i reach out he seems angry with me. I know this is to be expected and he has voiced frustration with medication and not knowing when he was coming home. I have backed off and stopped asking questions because i know that just stresses him out. I know i need to be patient and understanding but his comments are taking a toll on me emotionally also. I have never dealt with this before and was looking for any insight from anyone else who has been here. I dont want to give up on him yet.
Aloha Mandi and welcome to the board. Early Suggestion? Look in the white pages of your local telephone book or check with AlAnon.Org for the face to face meetings in your area and then attend as early as you can if you already are not attending. Read back over the multitude of shares on this forum regarding relationships with alcoholics and other seriously addicted people so you might come to an understanding about what happens with those of us who have attempted "to be there" for someone addicted. This is a cunning, powerful and baffling disease not to be taken lightly. Keep coming back...this works when we work it. ((((Hugs))))
I hope you will read through other people's posts so you full understand what you are dealing with, I really recommend listening to both alanon and AA recovery speakers because they talk about where they used to be where they are now.
While no one should have to go alone .. addiction is a very lonely disease because the disease drives the person who is affected by it and I am also referring to the loved ones involved.
The one question I want to ask you for you to think about is this .. if you knew nothing was going to change 5 years from now .. he was exactly where he is now can you love the person that he is .. NOT what you think he should or could be? I guess a better way to phrase it could love him right where he is at and allow him to be who he is without loosing yourself in the process.
I really encourage you to think about it what your goals and aspirations are outside of this relationship. Why do you want to rescue this person and why would you begin a relationship knowing this is where he's at.
I'm not telling you to stay or go .. what I am saying is take a step back and realistically look at what your motives are for pursuing a man who is clearly emotionally unavailable to you today and may never be emotionally available to you.
My caution is that years can fly by in an instant and when nothing changes .. nothing changes.
Big hugs and a warm welcome to our group .. I am clearly no longer with my A however he was not my first rodeo in the throws of addiction.
S :)
I can relate to your share and what I've learned in recovery is how they act, what they say, etc. is truly not about me or what I'm saying/doing. It's about them and where they are. It takes practice to work the Al-Anon program but it will give you exactly what you need to get through the difficult times caused by this disease.
Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!!
Mandi the fellowship doesn't give advise. We share our experiences, strengths and hopes which is how we were brought along on this journey and saying that I must also say we have been where you are at right now. I tried everything that I thought would work for the relationships I had with alcoholics and addicts in my life. Keeping in mind that I was born and raised in this disease and also a member of both programs what worked best for me was to form relationships within the program rather than outside of it. Obviously the relationships in the program were recovery based and centered which helped me grow even while I was craving the alcoholics and addicts. No I will not hint that all alcoholics and addicts are the same however the differences are very slim and still devastatingly insane. Learning how to love myself as much or more than those I attempted to fix was learning rocket science and I'm glad I took the steps I did to have the sanity, serenity and sobriety I have now.
Take your time. Find a power greater than yourself that you understand and hook up with the wise old timers who have come before you. I am in support of you both. ((((hugs))))