I used to think that there was only one way to enable and now I am seeing there are more ways and how devastating those can be to loved ones.
One thing I have become very aware of is allowing the people around me to make their own choices regardless if they are right or wrong in my mind. After all I have it so going on when it comes to being right (NOT). A side note .. I have discovered I am a right fighter. So I have had to really catch myself when I start in JADEing things that honestly are none of my business. A BIG discussion is my BF and his need to track what his STBXW is spending .. umm .. while you are more than welcome to look .. it's not your business to comment on what you think is or isn't appropriate. That's her stuff .. she's always overspent and chosen not to pay bills .. well guess who used to fix it all. I had a similar discussion with my X's current wife and one of them is the fact that they send a check (or money order I don't care) I can put it in when I want to put it in .. she doesn't control that part of the deal. She was soooo NOT happy and it's wrongly amused me.
Because of my change in attitude over the last many months I'm going to say the last year really there are times I can sound cold or uncaring and not mean to .. If I am truly powerless over people, places, things and situations (stick a noun in to that statement it works), then I am powerless over other people's consequences .. I am free to make sure I am not collateral damage and make my own decisions based upon that .. I do not have to be a slave to being powerless. It's not a victim word. It's a power word really. I have said I'm sorry for your situation what do you think you need to do? How can you fix this? What is your responsibility in this situation? I give my opinion sometimes I even wait to be asked (that's a good day .. LOL) .. in terms of telling someone what to do .. if it doesn't affect me .. honestly they need to do what they need to do. Their lessons are their lessons.
I find people interesting in the webs they weave and then are surprised when past behavior no longer works. As I take back more power into my own life and stop giving it all away I find that I am less pulled into the drama of it all. I have shocked more than one person with my attitude .. LOL. My dark humor doesn't always go over well .. you know I'm sorry while there fore the grace of God go I .. I can't afford to be dragged down by other people's bad decisions. It's just been on my mind.
Hugs S :)
Freetime said
Apr 5, 2017
Serenity, I love the insight you shared. That's what I value so much about this program we are all in. We may have our defects, but we are working on them, and that's a beautiful thing.
hotrod said
Apr 5, 2017
Agreed Freetime -- Serenity great growth an awareness
SerenityRUS said
Apr 5, 2017
I think what has really influenced me lately is seeing my kids grow the way they have and realizing that if I do everything for them they have no opportunities to fall down and get back up. My daughter said to me the other day .. mom one thing I really admire about you is your attitude about you are going to be ok regardless of what is going on. Yes, we have had some really hard times .. some how you manage to say .. yup .. this sucks .. it's all going to be ok.
The biggest thing I have taken away from my current adult relationship in terms of lessons, confidence and knowing me is that there is a time for action and there is a time to sit and wait. This to shall pass is HUGE .. my son said to me last year a lot can change in 90 days and you know what .. he's totally right .. there are things that have to be addressed and there are things that can wait.
The X's wife sent a check finally at the end of the month and I'm sure there was that issue of me blowing a gasket that I would have done had it been a year ago I would have gone off the charts. Someone here recently mentioned the need to hold others accountable .. and boy am I guilty of that .. although .. ehe .. I'm ok with that because I have needed the financial assistance I have received over the past few years I have spent a lot of emotional and financial costs to get it. Now I'm getting smarter in terms of what I need to do when I need to act and how to handle it.
It's all very interesting to me to watch all of this play out.
I'll be curious to see the next move and I'm just not saying anything at this point. I'm in wait and see mode which will change come May.
Hugs S :)
_bunny_ said
Apr 5, 2017
Well said SerenityRUS, thank you for your share, I absolutely love this topic. Enabling is something I too have been working on and I can relate to everything you said, especially the unintentional sounding cold and or uncaring. I've had friends and family members who aren't quite alright with the new recovery me and I've received ALOT of negative feed back because I'm no longer a willing participant in their disease. I don't mean to come across as heartless when I tell someone "no", I'm just refusing to be effected by someone else's bad decision. You're an awesome mom Serenity, I love how you use the program with your kids and that's what I admire about you.
Iamhere said
Apr 5, 2017
Great topic and great share Serenity.....I am glad that we get so many tools to use in recovery. I believe that as more is revealed, more is revealed. I've got a current situation that I am completely powerless over and while it stinks and it's a sad and maddening situation, what popped in my head today is the more I detach and allow others the dignity of their own path, journey, etc. the more constructive our discussions have gotten. This does not apply to the one who's crazy at the moment, but with my oldest and even my AH.....when I pause, listen and then respond or not and don't 'do' for them or 'right fight', things just seem to flow better....
I used to think that there was only one way to enable and now I am seeing there are more ways and how devastating those can be to loved ones.
One thing I have become very aware of is allowing the people around me to make their own choices regardless if they are right or wrong in my mind. After all I have it so going on when it comes to being right (NOT). A side note .. I have discovered I am a right fighter. So I have had to really catch myself when I start in JADEing things that honestly are none of my business. A BIG discussion is my BF and his need to track what his STBXW is spending .. umm .. while you are more than welcome to look .. it's not your business to comment on what you think is or isn't appropriate. That's her stuff .. she's always overspent and chosen not to pay bills .. well guess who used to fix it all. I had a similar discussion with my X's current wife and one of them is the fact that they send a check (or money order I don't care) I can put it in when I want to put it in .. she doesn't control that part of the deal. She was soooo NOT happy and it's wrongly amused me.
Because of my change in attitude over the last many months I'm going to say the last year really there are times I can sound cold or uncaring and not mean to .. If I am truly powerless over people, places, things and situations (stick a noun in to that statement it works), then I am powerless over other people's consequences .. I am free to make sure I am not collateral damage and make my own decisions based upon that .. I do not have to be a slave to being powerless. It's not a victim word. It's a power word really. I have said I'm sorry for your situation what do you think you need to do? How can you fix this? What is your responsibility in this situation? I give my opinion sometimes I even wait to be asked (that's a good day .. LOL) .. in terms of telling someone what to do .. if it doesn't affect me .. honestly they need to do what they need to do. Their lessons are their lessons.
I find people interesting in the webs they weave and then are surprised when past behavior no longer works. As I take back more power into my own life and stop giving it all away I find that I am less pulled into the drama of it all. I have shocked more than one person with my attitude .. LOL. My dark humor doesn't always go over well .. you know I'm sorry while there fore the grace of God go I .. I can't afford to be dragged down by other people's bad decisions. It's just been on my mind.
Hugs S :)
The biggest thing I have taken away from my current adult relationship in terms of lessons, confidence and knowing me is that there is a time for action and there is a time to sit and wait. This to shall pass is HUGE .. my son said to me last year a lot can change in 90 days and you know what .. he's totally right .. there are things that have to be addressed and there are things that can wait.
The X's wife sent a check finally at the end of the month and I'm sure there was that issue of me blowing a gasket that I would have done had it been a year ago I would have gone off the charts. Someone here recently mentioned the need to hold others accountable .. and boy am I guilty of that .. although .. ehe .. I'm ok with that because I have needed the financial assistance I have received over the past few years I have spent a lot of emotional and financial costs to get it. Now I'm getting smarter in terms of what I need to do when I need to act and how to handle it.
It's all very interesting to me to watch all of this play out.
I'll be curious to see the next move and I'm just not saying anything at this point. I'm in wait and see mode which will change come May.
Hugs S :)
Keep working it all - it works when we work it!