Before I posted this, I was reading other posts, trying to absorb some ESH. So thank you all for posting... it helps more than you know... or maybe you all DO know!
Why was this day a "resentment" day? Mainly b/c I get so sick and tired of my AH focusing on himself all. the. time. My AH works very weird hours - he is up at 3:30 so he can be out the door no later than 4:30 am. He then works a full 8 hour day. When he wasn't drinking, he usually worked much longer hours, b/c being in management, the work needed to be completed. He also had a VERY strong work ethic. Now that alcohol has entered his life as addiction, he still gets up that early, but is normally home by 1:00 pm. Once he is home, all he does is lay on the bed and watch TV. Every weekend is spent watching TV and sitting/laying on his a**, while I try and accomplish task after task. We both have to work, so naturally, I expect him to uphold his end of this partnership. Whether that be with our son or with the house. Sadly these expectations are too much for him.
So I am resentful b/c early this morning I asked if he was going to work today, and he said he was going to "work from home." LOL! Little does he know that to me that is code for,"I am going to sit on my a** all day and do nothing." But of course, there is that little voice inside that chimes in, "But maybe he really WILL be working." Right. Anyway, after my usual morning routine, I told him that I am sorry if I will be disturbing him, but I have a lot I want to get done today before work, and I wasn't planning on him staying home. So I turned up my Pandora, and began spring cleaning/decorating. I didn't think twice about if what I was doing was bothering him. For once, I wasn't walking on eggshells! That made me feel good, but I had to stay out of my head, b/c I was resentful that he spent all weekend on his a** (like usual) and still sat around and did nothing. No help, no work, with the dirty dishes he said he would finish 3 days ago still in the sink. Then to make matters worse, I came home from work at 5:30 and he was lying on the bed watching TV, and the washing machine was leaking all over the floor (from son doing a load - we need a new machine), the cat box was overflowing with debris, and the floors were filthy ( he said he would vacuum them earlier today). So of course I cleaned up the water, cleaned out the cat box and vacuumed the floors. All he had to say to me was, "I did the dishes." like it was THE gift from GOD. Then I had to begin making dinner. I must admit, I debated about telling him all the ingredients were there for dinner, and walking out. But, I know from experience that nothing gets made, and my kid eats whatever junk he finds. That's OK in a pinch, but if I leave things to AH, it's all my kid eats. The only thing that is NOT happening is my AH is not full out drunk, passed out when I get home from work. I almost feel that would be better so that I can kick him out and concentrate on my stuff. I hate living with the reality that it's like I am living on my own (responsible for everything), but yet still have this person interrupting my peaceful existence.
I know I should be able to tell him how I feel so that resentments do not build up (we've been to 10 yrs of marriage therapy in the past, so yea, we are well-versed in the rhetoric), but I know everyone here with an AH will understand when I say that rational discussions just don't happen here. Accusations, blame and anger live here. So I try to concentrate on my stuff, one day at a time, and other slogans to keep my sanity. But some days are so, so hard.
Today was one of those days.
Thanks for letting me rant.
-- Edited by PosiesandPuppies on Tuesday 4th of April 2017 02:16:22 AM
Skorpi said
Apr 4, 2017
Oh, I know just how you feel! I have been struggling recently to let go of my anger and resentment about lack of help around the house. It hasn't been cleaned, thoroughly cleaned, for over a month. AW says she is "no good at" vacuuming and mopping, and she doesn't do it. I have been swamped with work, out of town for work, trying to get taxes done, etc. so floors are on my priority list somewhere after pets, food, dishes, laundry, and garbage.
Last night, AW went home and decided to marinade steaks for dinner. But, which steaks to pick, which spices to use, and how to do it took a lot of remote texting direction from me. (And why ask which steaks you should use, when the ones you want to use are the only ones I said I wanted for the tomato sauce?) Well, she apparently hadn't yet let the dogs out before the cooking started. She'd been home and working on steaks for a full hour before letting them out. By then, pawcasso had made another poop drawing in his crate. (I do give her a lot of credit for cleaning the crate out, instead of leaving it for me, which is more common) And I got to start out my night with giving the dog a bath and end it fishing glass pieces out of my caner. (2 jars full of tomato sauce broke during caning on Sunday. I had to wait for the water to cool to take care of the mess.) Came upstairs then, to find her sitting on the futon and watching tv. Which she does a lot of. All weekend, all evening, unless I ask her specifically to do something. Or, if I am not home. Then she does things.
So, this morning, I had to check myself and my attitude when I found the cat boxes full on garbage day. (Another long-standing disagreement, I think they should be cleaned daily, she doesn't think they need to be done until the cats won't go in them anymore.)
I have tried dividing up cleaning tasks, cleaning together, setting cleaning schedules, conversation after conversation, different housekeeping techniques, for ten years. I've given up. For my own sanity, I decided that I may as well function as though I live alone and am solely responsible for the house and pets. After all, she has shown me time and again that she is not going to be a reliable partner with household responsibilities, and I may as well believe her. That way, when she steps up to do something, it is a pleasant surprise. And I need to remind myself of my decision to view things that way off and on. Like this morning.
Iamhere said
Apr 4, 2017
PnP - I can relate and understand.....I'm sending you (((hugs))), positive thoughts and prayers!
Stan1 said
Apr 4, 2017
Good morning PnP and Skorpi. Sharing from a different angle, my then AH never did anything inside the house. He felt his job was to bring in the money and maintain the exterior and take care of car maintenance. I worked part time and everything inside was my responsibility including the children while he worked 13 hrs a day with a 1hr each way commute. Things ran pretty smoothly until he started stopping for a drink after work. This increased until the stop lasted to 2 in the morning. Needless to say we didn't see much of him and he must have had an angel on his shoulder to not kill himself or another on the ride home. Fast forward to his activities and consequences caught up and he chose sobriety. After retirement I suddenly had him home and basically telling me I was doing everything wrong and his new job was telling me how to do everything. This didn't set too well with me or the children that suddenly had another active parent. Thanks to my insight from Al-anon.I would just walk away and let him do it. The children were told that they were to also listen to Dad and show him respect even if I did have a difficult time with that at first. Then 2014 I had a heart attack and he was in charge of everything as I could barely take care of my personal needs. Many times things weren't done to my liking but I would just do my gratitude list and be grateful for his help. When I started regain ing strength and started doing things again there was no criticism at all. I found that gratitude for what I have offsets resentment.
-- Edited by Stan1 on Tuesday 4th of April 2017 11:00:53 AM
PosiesandPuppies said
Apr 7, 2017
{{{{Skorpi}}} Hugs to you, b/c from your post, I can tell that you are also living this crazy life. It sucks to finally realize that your marriage partner is no longer qualified to be a partner. That you must take charge if anything is ever to get done. It is especially hard for someone like me who has control issues. In some ways, it adds fuel to that fire, b/c once again, if I don't do it, no one will. I had to laugh at your post of your qualifier texting you repeatedly about how to marinate the steaks (sorry!). I have been in similar situations where my AH will text me over and over about how to do something, even though I tell him I am not supposed to get texts at work. Most of the time i want to yell, " Use the brain the God gave you!" or "What would you do if I were dead... you'd figure it out!" LOL It really is comical sometimes. It is also sad how different he is than the man I married. Now I just tell him, "Can't text now," and I hope he figures it out. Thank you for your ESH!
Thank you Iamhere for your kindness!
Stan1 - Thank you for your ESH. It's not that I am complaining about how my AH does things... it's that they aren't done at all. Or perhaps more to the point, that he says he will do things and then doesn't follow through, leaving me to pick up the pieces. With this program I have learned to leave things - to give him a chance to do them, but after a week of dirty dishes, I just can't stand it anymore! But I do see your point about focusing on the gratitude for what I have... perhaps I should give that a try! Thank you!
Iamhere said
Apr 7, 2017
(((Skorpi))) - I don't know why but I skipped or missed your post....so sorry!
This is actually a great thread. I am a neat person, organized and methodical in how I approach most things. My AH is not. He flies by the seat of his pants most days, almost like a teenager and manages the consequences as they come up. In recovery, it made more sense - it's suggested that maturity stops at the age the disease begins - so....that explains a bunch.
As our views and values differ with regards to home/house work, I have really had to adjust my expectations. I am more like Skorpi - I just plan to be a individual contributor and if/when he does something, it's almost like a gift. I have discovered that he (and my sons) love living in a clean/tidy home - but left to their own devices, they prefer a mess to taking action. I had to accept this as in my distorted thinking, this was insanity to me. My sponsor suggested it's just different and many others, diseased or not, have priorities and preferences that can take priority over housework.
That made perfect sense to my brain! I am the sum total of my past experiences and my mother was also a neat freak, obsessive and very anal retentive. It drove me crazy as a child and yet I still brought forward many of those tendencies, assuming they are the normal for everyone. I've learned now that's not true - we all value different things and that's OK. I try to celebrate the differences instead of condemn them.
My AH will do just about any task/duty I ask. He might need to be reminded but he will help when asked. I've gotten better at saying what I mean, meaning what I say and not saying it mean. I've also gotten better at asking for what I need in a clear and concise manner - before the weekend, can you please sweep the garage? Just an example.
Great discussion and I agree that using gratitude for what I have works better for me than mourning what I don't have or what I think I should have... (((Hugs)))
Before I posted this, I was reading other posts, trying to absorb some ESH. So thank you all for posting... it helps more than you know... or maybe you all DO know!
Why was this day a "resentment" day? Mainly b/c I get so sick and tired of my AH focusing on himself all. the. time. My AH works very weird hours - he is up at 3:30 so he can be out the door no later than 4:30 am. He then works a full 8 hour day. When he wasn't drinking, he usually worked much longer hours, b/c being in management, the work needed to be completed. He also had a VERY strong work ethic. Now that alcohol has entered his life as addiction, he still gets up that early, but is normally home by 1:00 pm. Once he is home, all he does is lay on the bed and watch TV. Every weekend is spent watching TV and sitting/laying on his a**, while I try and accomplish task after task. We both have to work, so naturally, I expect him to uphold his end of this partnership. Whether that be with our son or with the house. Sadly these expectations are too much for him.
So I am resentful b/c early this morning I asked if he was going to work today, and he said he was going to "work from home." LOL! Little does he know that to me that is code for,"I am going to sit on my a** all day and do nothing." But of course, there is that little voice inside that chimes in, "But maybe he really WILL be working." Right. Anyway, after my usual morning routine, I told him that I am sorry if I will be disturbing him, but I have a lot I want to get done today before work, and I wasn't planning on him staying home. So I turned up my Pandora, and began spring cleaning/decorating. I didn't think twice about if what I was doing was bothering him. For once, I wasn't walking on eggshells! That made me feel good, but I had to stay out of my head, b/c I was resentful that he spent all weekend on his a** (like usual) and still sat around and did nothing. No help, no work, with the dirty dishes he said he would finish 3 days ago still in the sink. Then to make matters worse, I came home from work at 5:30 and he was lying on the bed watching TV, and the washing machine was leaking all over the floor (from son doing a load - we need a new machine), the cat box was overflowing with debris, and the floors were filthy ( he said he would vacuum them earlier today). So of course I cleaned up the water, cleaned out the cat box and vacuumed the floors. All he had to say to me was, "I did the dishes." like it was THE gift from GOD. Then I had to begin making dinner. I must admit, I debated about telling him all the ingredients were there for dinner, and walking out. But, I know from experience that nothing gets made, and my kid eats whatever junk he finds. That's OK in a pinch, but if I leave things to AH, it's all my kid eats.
The only thing that is NOT happening is my AH is not full out drunk, passed out when I get home from work. I almost feel that would be better so that I can kick him out and concentrate on my stuff. I hate living with the reality that it's like I am living on my own (responsible for everything), but yet still have this person interrupting my peaceful existence.
I know I should be able to tell him how I feel so that resentments do not build up (we've been to 10 yrs of marriage therapy in the past, so yea, we are well-versed in the rhetoric), but I know everyone here with an AH will understand when I say that rational discussions just don't happen here. Accusations, blame and anger live here. So I try to concentrate on my stuff, one day at a time, and other slogans to keep my sanity. But some days are so, so hard.
Today was one of those days.
Thanks for letting me rant.
-- Edited by PosiesandPuppies on Tuesday 4th of April 2017 02:16:22 AM
Last night, AW went home and decided to marinade steaks for dinner. But, which steaks to pick, which spices to use, and how to do it took a lot of remote texting direction from me. (And why ask which steaks you should use, when the ones you want to use are the only ones I said I wanted for the tomato sauce?) Well, she apparently hadn't yet let the dogs out before the cooking started. She'd been home and working on steaks for a full hour before letting them out. By then, pawcasso had made another poop drawing in his crate. (I do give her a lot of credit for cleaning the crate out, instead of leaving it for me, which is more common) And I got to start out my night with giving the dog a bath and end it fishing glass pieces out of my caner. (2 jars full of tomato sauce broke during caning on Sunday. I had to wait for the water to cool to take care of the mess.) Came upstairs then, to find her sitting on the futon and watching tv. Which she does a lot of. All weekend, all evening, unless I ask her specifically to do something. Or, if I am not home. Then she does things.
So, this morning, I had to check myself and my attitude when I found the cat boxes full on garbage day. (Another long-standing disagreement, I think they should be cleaned daily, she doesn't think they need to be done until the cats won't go in them anymore.)
I have tried dividing up cleaning tasks, cleaning together, setting cleaning schedules, conversation after conversation, different housekeeping techniques, for ten years. I've given up. For my own sanity, I decided that I may as well function as though I live alone and am solely responsible for the house and pets. After all, she has shown me time and again that she is not going to be a reliable partner with household responsibilities, and I may as well believe her. That way, when she steps up to do something, it is a pleasant surprise. And I need to remind myself of my decision to view things that way off and on. Like this morning.
Good morning PnP and Skorpi. Sharing from a different angle, my then AH never did anything inside the house. He felt his job was to bring in the money and maintain the exterior and take care of car maintenance. I worked part time and everything inside was my responsibility including the children while he worked 13 hrs a day with a 1hr each way commute. Things ran pretty smoothly until he started stopping for a drink after work. This increased until the stop lasted to 2 in the morning. Needless to say we didn't see much of him and he must have had an angel on his shoulder to not kill himself or another on the ride home. Fast forward to his activities and consequences caught up and he chose sobriety. After retirement I suddenly had him home and basically telling me I was doing everything wrong and his new job was telling me how to do everything.
This didn't set too well with me or the children that suddenly had another active parent. Thanks to my insight from Al-anon.I would just walk away and let him do it. The children were told that they were to also listen to Dad and show him respect even if I did have a difficult time with that at first. Then 2014 I had a heart attack and he was in charge of everything as I could barely take care of my personal needs. Many times things weren't done to my liking but I would just do my gratitude list and be grateful for his help. When I started regain ing strength and started doing things again there was no criticism at all. I found that gratitude for what I have offsets resentment.
-- Edited by Stan1 on Tuesday 4th of April 2017 11:00:53 AM
Thank you Iamhere for your kindness!
Stan1 - Thank you for your ESH. It's not that I am complaining about how my AH does things... it's that they aren't done at all. Or perhaps more to the point, that he says he will do things and then doesn't follow through, leaving me to pick up the pieces. With this program I have learned to leave things - to give him a chance to do them, but after a week of dirty dishes, I just can't stand it anymore! But I do see your point about focusing on the gratitude for what I have... perhaps I should give that a try! Thank you!
This is actually a great thread. I am a neat person, organized and methodical in how I approach most things. My AH is not. He flies by the seat of his pants most days, almost like a teenager and manages the consequences as they come up. In recovery, it made more sense - it's suggested that maturity stops at the age the disease begins - so....that explains a bunch.
As our views and values differ with regards to home/house work, I have really had to adjust my expectations. I am more like Skorpi - I just plan to be a individual contributor and if/when he does something, it's almost like a gift. I have discovered that he (and my sons) love living in a clean/tidy home - but left to their own devices, they prefer a mess to taking action. I had to accept this as in my distorted thinking, this was insanity to me. My sponsor suggested it's just different and many others, diseased or not, have priorities and preferences that can take priority over housework.
That made perfect sense to my brain! I am the sum total of my past experiences and my mother was also a neat freak, obsessive and very anal retentive. It drove me crazy as a child and yet I still brought forward many of those tendencies, assuming they are the normal for everyone. I've learned now that's not true - we all value different things and that's OK. I try to celebrate the differences instead of condemn them.
My AH will do just about any task/duty I ask. He might need to be reminded but he will help when asked. I've gotten better at saying what I mean, meaning what I say and not saying it mean. I've also gotten better at asking for what I need in a clear and concise manner - before the weekend, can you please sweep the garage? Just an example.
Great discussion and I agree that using gratitude for what I have works better for me than mourning what I don't have or what I think I should have... (((Hugs)))