New here, and coping but not really succeeding at much more than that.
Brief recap:left an extremely abusive marriage to an addict many years ago. Stayed resolutely single whilst working on self and raising special needs son. Five years in, fell in love and took the risk. Fast forward to a decade in a committed relationship with another addict. He relapsed early on in our cohabitation...went through out patient rehab with lots of family meetings-group therapy, etc..,
Once that ended, he slowly stopped attending meetings-stating that it was too depressing and he couldn't handle the reminders.
Several years passed by now and he relapsed again and is currently in in-patient rehab after detox. Was calling regularly while in detox, but hasn't contacted anyone since in rehab. Called out of the blue this morning (claiming he had to sneak the phone and could get in trouble) sounding very agitated and said he's barred from phone privilege due to a toxic home environment.
So again, coping but struggling...and this fresh heartbreak.
Words of wisdom?
shrnp said
Apr 3, 2017
Hello ForwardMotion, Welcome to Miracles in Progress. You are not alone, I too have been in more than one relationship with an alcoholic. Something about their needy personalities and my need to fix things for them. Alanon teaches us healthy ways to refocus our attention on making ourselves well. You can go to a face to face meeting, and get a sponser. There are also online meetings for people who cannot get to a meeting or prefer the anonymity. They are at 9 am and 9 pm monday through friday. There are some very strict rehab facilities that only let people talk on the phone certain hours or on certain days. People may have to earn their phone privileges. It is not uncommon. So, do not fret. Some other member might have a better understanding of rehab rules ect. Glad you are here, keep coming back.
-- Edited by shrnp on Monday 3rd of April 2017 07:26:10 PM
ForwardMotion said
Apr 3, 2017
shrnp wrote:
Thank you for the reply shrnp, and for the welcome!
I've been involved with Al-Anon for years now, but this is the first time on this forum for me. And the first time dealing with an addict in an in-patient program. angryhad an extremely dysfunctional conversation (less conversation, more being talked at and analyzed and spoken for) with a social worker whilst he was transitioning into the rehab after detox. And per his phone convo today, she wrote me up as toxic: angry, unforgiving, never going to trust...
I'm utterly defeated by this, this evening. That phone convo happened in the midst of another emergency in my life involving my son which I had stated and was trying to get off the phone to address. But she, who had not even met him until 5 minutes prior, would not let me get off the phone and kept telling me that I was angry. I explained as best I could that there was another situation unfolding, and in response to her constant questions about what I want (asked in a very hostile tone) said that I need an uncoerced apology letting me know he understands the magnitude of having put our lives in physical danger. He had almost crashed the car whilst high.
I hadn't heard a word since that convo until this morning when he called and told me he's been an emotional mess, crying, etc... and that they told him he can't use the phone ever because his home is toxic.
I suppose I decided to write it out because I'm hoping for a word or two of reassurance. In my heart, I know the label this woman ascribed to me isn't correct. And usually I know he doesn't think that either. But after 11 days of this and 4 with no contact, it's hard to hold onto.
shrnp said
Apr 3, 2017
I am sorry she said those things about you, it sounds a little inappropriate. I know that they want people not to be emotional, and do not encourage new relationships. My ex-bf would tell me his doctor told him to stay away from me, but I figured out he was just being manipulative and wanted to hurt me. Another form of abuse, I figured. It took me awhile to figure out his personality. That it was not the drinking. I hope you get another opportunity to figure all of this out. Maybe someone else has had a more recent experience and has something to share that they have experienced too.
ForwardMotion said
Apr 3, 2017
Yes, exactly that word. Innappropriate. I felt so under attack by the way in which she was talking at me. And clearly she is "the little voice in his ear" while I can't contact him to reassure him.
hotrod said
Apr 3, 2017
Hello Forward Motion Welcome, I am so sorry that this difficult situation unfolded as it has. Many rehabs have family days and family weeks when you can visit , however I would call the facility and ask to speak with his councilor or her supervisor and clarify the situation before hand.
Please keep coming back
Jerry F said
Apr 3, 2017
Aloha Forward Motion and glad to have you here at MIP. This is a safe zone for those of us who have been affected by someone else's drinking and using. We bring all of our ESH to the board often in the hope that it will help someone else as it has helped us. Good that you have the experience with Al-Anon, that is a miracle as it has been with me. In early program I found the last word of the 2nd step a promised gift from my HP cause I knew that I had a huge shortage of it in my life. Our greatest emotional character defect is insanity...craziness...crazy making and when I first heard the accepted definition for sanity mentioned in my home group I knew I had never had it. "A continuous and orderly process of thought", is what they said and then I knew and then it helped me especially in the inventory steps and lessons. I learned that part of my insanity was doing the same things over and over again expecting different results and one of those "overs" was seeking and trying to develop relationships with drinkers and users. The consequences were always the same terrible. The change came when I focused on myself and what it was I was doing that needed changing including building the courage to make those changes which were foreign to me and for which I needed so much support and help. Today I live the program with a great home group and sponsor and of course I have a Higher Power who doesn't take directions from me...it assigns me all tasks. Glad to have you here...keep coming back. One another note? I am also a former substance abuse and alcoholism therapist who agrees that a great deal of us have had problems with sanity ourselves. Often times you cannot tell the difference between the therapist and the client. ((((Hugs))))
Iamhere said
Apr 4, 2017
Welcome to MIP Forwardmotion - glad you found us and glad that you shared.....first impressions are typically wrong as we all know and I am reminded that what people think of me is none of my business. I've been retrained in Al-Anon to find some compassion with others who appear abrupt, offensive, controlling, etc. upon first meeting and just pray for them - that's what I've been taught to do.
We are all imperfect people (experts included) and most react to what's happening in the moment. It's a very human thing to be/do. Try as best you can to turn her over to HP and remember to be gentle with you and live one day/one moment at a time.
Unless another has walked a mile in our shoes, I do not believe they can comprehend the affect of this disease on us - the family/friends. They've studied it in books, and that does not prepare them to deal with us - and they certainly do not understand that our disease and the affects are equal/greater than the substance abuser. I've actually said to these folks before that while I appreciate their compassion, I am not in the best frame of mind to tell you my needs - I'm on emotional overload....
Honesty is best for me - I used to act as if I had all the answers and this program has told me it's OK to not.....Please keep coming back - you are loved and loving, you are valued and valuable - take care of you...just for today!
ForwardMotion said
Apr 4, 2017
Thank you, all, for the warm welcome and words.
I did wake up today in a much better headspace....just firm in my knowledge of who I am and how I am...and even in knowing who I am to my A.
Truth indeed...and worth the daily reminder, that the opinions of those who don't know me and value me simply don't matter and in fact, can't begin to be accurate.
I'm working my way through, and stumbling. And struggling to keep my head and my heart separate but equal. Because of my FOO issues (foster kid, adopted later by control and expectation enforcers) I struggle when the structure fails, so just this limbo while he's in rehab and I can't contact him is hard to put aside.
Thankfully I've work (I chair a non-profit special needs org) to keep me busy/focused/fulfilled that is serving as a reminder of my blessings and talents. And that's what I need right now.
SerenityRUS said
Apr 4, 2017
Hugs FM ..
Welcome .. I'm glad you are here.
Something that struck me with your post and I find interesting is how good newly sober A's are at pointing the finger at everyone except themselves. I hear the truth according to your A his reality not yours.
He can't call because the home is to toxic .. hmm .. ok .. there is nothing toxic like an active A and the chaos the disease creates while creating a mini tornado for everyone else to clean up.
I hope that for your own sanity you throw yourself into your own recovery and let him do his .. as I found clarity for myself .. I was able to find peace and see the reality of the insanity I was allowing in my home. I guess maybe I'm a bit of a cynic .. meaning .. I truly appreciate the miracle of a newly sober addict .. until I see consistent changes down the road then I will believe who they show me to be .. in the mean time I can take care of myself .. allow them to do what they need to do while I do what is best for me. Maybe that's more realistic .. while lying is the norm for an active addict .. ehe .. my XAH was welcome to go spin his story elsewhere .. I wanted an honest relationship. That was a boundary for me and trying to make him be honest wasn't going to happen.
A clear line I drew was the needs of one do not out weigh the needs of the many. My needs whatever those are and how I choose to define them are just as important as the sober A's. That's why I learned to meet those on my own .. for me I wanted more out of a relationship .. I wanted to be able to be fully open and realistically expect in a healthy relationship I would receive that back.
You brought up something very interesting .. you were a foster child and the challenges that came from that experience .. I am adopted by parents who honestly loved me to the best of their ability .. oh boy it really sucked the life out of me. I have had to learn to be the parent I deserved by learning to love myself in that way. It has been a very healing experience .. and has brought me some peace .. I also found out that the life lessons I had were the life lessons I would have had even if my bio mom had kept me. UGH .. I hated the line well you were chosen .. my response as a 10 year old was .. well no one asked me who I wanted for parents. (I was a very opinionated/insightful 10 year old that kept me in a whole lot of hot water throughout my teen years, ducking shoes became an life survival skill.. lol)
If you have a sponsor though and I hope you do working the steps will help you heal and figure out what YOU want to do regardless if the A in your life is drinking or not. Honestly .. it doesn't matter if he's drinking or not .. the question is always what are you going to do.
Hugs and keep coming back :)
freeflyingspirit1 said
Apr 5, 2017
Hi Forward Motion, I am new also, just today and this is my first post. :) To introduce myself, I have been working as a substance abuse counselor group facilitator for a little over a year now. I have also been trying to get to alanon meetings for over a year but my work schedule doesn't allow for it, so I am giving this a try. But my reason for being here is because alcoholism is in my family. I didn't inherit it but have been effected by it, like most of us are. Also, I did something I ordinarliy would not do and have been in a relationship with someone who has alcoholism. We've been together on and off for five years now. It's definitely been a struggle. Right now he has been sober for about four months. I really would like to join one of the meetings when I can.
As to your situation, I'm sorry you're heartbroken, truly. I know how painful it can be. In my own situation having dealt with frequent separations and reconnecting it really can take a toll on your heart. I have had to find ways to detach from him and be ok with being alone and leaving him to deal with his problems while being supportive. The biggest lesson for me was just that, detaching and taking care of myself and finding support in friends, family, and others, as well as finding support and comfort in spirituality.
The greatest help for myself was giving up my problems and believing the universe will straighten them out in time. It is such a HUGE feeling of relief being able to let go, and feeling nurtured and supported in life knowing I don't have to take it all on myself.
This is similar to when they say in meetings, "Let go and let God." But that is my own interpretation of it.
Best wishes to you, see you around the forums :)
Iamhere said
Apr 5, 2017
freeflyingspirit1 - welcome to MIP! So glad you are here and that you jumped right in! Keep coming back....glad you are part of the journey!
freeflyingspirit1 said
Apr 5, 2017
Thank you for the welcome, I will be back!
ForwardMotion said
Apr 6, 2017
Just an update as the week flies by/barely moves all at the same time. (Do you know what I mean? Where life keeps speeding by, but in your head and heart you get stuck in moments...)
Four more days with no contact from him or the center. On one hand it makes me panicky because a decade spent living alongside someone grows connection throughout daily life and that sudden absence feels so heavy and lonely and full of loss. But on the other hand, I've settled into not letting myself react so strongly to it. That first day was so hard...the paranoia in my head just overruled all common sense. Days later though I find it only crops up in the very quiet moments.
One thing that has helped me tremendously is rearranging our furnishings and "rehabbing" our home a bit...finally just purchasing new bedding and room décor that we've needed. I said to a trusted friend that for all these years I've been so ashamed to have anyone come over, and now I finally realize that our apartment was one of the physical symptoms of his disease. We should have been on to owning our own home years ago now, but instead we've remained "stuck" with the financial burden of his addictions and the apartment reflects that.
So, to turn around while he's in rehab and invest in my home has been healing. I walk into the room and feel serenity. And hope, even. Hope that an improved environment will reflect for him the positive change he's trying to make. And hope that a different sort of life can be lived in rooms where different furnishings and décor have erased a bit of the past.
Iamhere said
Apr 6, 2017
Good on you for taking care of self and doing some 'redecorating'....I am amazed that changing a room, cleaning a closet, and other like things helps my outlook and attitude but it does! In my world, any action I take that's forward is helpful during healing...(((Hugs)))
ForwardMotion said
Apr 7, 2017
Iamhere wrote:
Good on you for taking care of self and doing some 'redecorating'....I am amazed that changing a room, cleaning a closet, and other like things helps my outlook and attitude but it does! In my world, any action I take that's forward is helpful during healing...(((Hugs)))
Thank you for sharing this...glad to know it's not a one-off with just me! And I must say, since I first wrote it, every time I walk past the "new" bedroom, I feel hopeful. And I feel as though because I chose the new items, my needs were met.
New here, and coping but not really succeeding at much more than that.
Brief recap:left an extremely abusive marriage to an addict many years ago. Stayed resolutely single whilst working on self and raising special needs son. Five years in, fell in love and took the risk. Fast forward to a decade in a committed relationship with another addict. He relapsed early on in our cohabitation...went through out patient rehab with lots of family meetings-group therapy, etc..,
Once that ended, he slowly stopped attending meetings-stating that it was too depressing and he couldn't handle the reminders.
Several years passed by now and he relapsed again and is currently in in-patient rehab after detox. Was calling regularly while in detox, but hasn't contacted anyone since in rehab. Called out of the blue this morning (claiming he had to sneak the phone and could get in trouble) sounding very agitated and said he's barred from phone privilege due to a toxic home environment.
So again, coping but struggling...and this fresh heartbreak.
Words of wisdom?
Hello ForwardMotion,
Welcome to Miracles in Progress. You are not alone, I too have been in more than one relationship with an alcoholic. Something about their needy personalities and my need to fix things for them. Alanon teaches us healthy ways to refocus our attention on making ourselves well. You can go to a face to face meeting, and get a sponser. There are also online meetings for people who cannot get to a meeting or prefer the anonymity. They are at 9 am and 9 pm monday through friday.
There are some very strict rehab facilities that only let people talk on the phone certain hours or on certain days. People may have to earn their phone privileges. It is not uncommon. So, do not fret. Some other member might have a better understanding of rehab rules ect. Glad you are here, keep coming back.
-- Edited by shrnp on Monday 3rd of April 2017 07:26:10 PM
shrnp wrote:
Thank you for the reply shrnp, and for the welcome!
I've been involved with Al-Anon for years now, but this is the first time on this forum for me. And the first time dealing with an addict in an in-patient program. angryhad an extremely dysfunctional conversation (less conversation, more being talked at and analyzed and spoken for) with a social worker whilst he was transitioning into the rehab after detox. And per his phone convo today, she wrote me up as toxic: angry, unforgiving, never going to trust...
I'm utterly defeated by this, this evening. That phone convo happened in the midst of another emergency in my life involving my son which I had stated and was trying to get off the phone to address. But she, who had not even met him until 5 minutes prior, would not let me get off the phone and kept telling me that I was angry. I explained as best I could that there was another situation unfolding, and in response to her constant questions about what I want (asked in a very hostile tone) said that I need an uncoerced apology letting me know he understands the magnitude of having put our lives in physical danger. He had almost crashed the car whilst high.
I hadn't heard a word since that convo until this morning when he called and told me he's been an emotional mess, crying, etc... and that they told him he can't use the phone ever because his home is toxic.
I suppose I decided to write it out because I'm hoping for a word or two of reassurance. In my heart, I know the label this woman ascribed to me isn't correct. And usually I know he doesn't think that either. But after 11 days of this and 4 with no contact, it's hard to hold onto.
Yes, exactly that word. Innappropriate. I felt so under attack by the way in which she was talking at me. And clearly she is "the little voice in his ear" while I can't contact him to reassure him.
Hello Forward Motion Welcome, I am so sorry that this difficult situation unfolded as it has. Many rehabs have family days and family weeks when you can visit , however I would call the facility and ask to speak with his councilor or her supervisor and clarify the situation before hand.
Please keep coming back
Aloha Forward Motion and glad to have you here at MIP. This is a safe zone for those of us who have been affected by someone else's drinking and using. We bring all of our ESH to the board often in the hope that it will help someone else as it has helped us. Good that you have the experience with Al-Anon, that is a miracle as it has been with me. In early program I found the last word of the 2nd step a promised gift from my HP cause I knew that I had a huge shortage of it in my life. Our greatest emotional character defect is insanity...craziness...crazy making and when I first heard the accepted definition for sanity mentioned in my home group I knew I had never had it. "A continuous and orderly process of thought", is what they said and then I knew and then it helped me especially in the inventory steps and lessons. I learned that part of my insanity was doing the same things over and over again expecting different results and one of those "overs" was seeking and trying to develop relationships with drinkers and users. The consequences were always the same terrible. The change came when I focused on myself and what it was I was doing that needed changing including building the courage to make those changes which were foreign to me and for which I needed so much support and help. Today I live the program with a great home group and sponsor and of course I have a Higher Power who doesn't take directions from me...it assigns me all tasks. Glad to have you here...keep coming back. One another note? I am also a former substance abuse and alcoholism therapist who agrees that a great deal of us have had problems with sanity ourselves. Often times you cannot tell the difference between the therapist and the client. ((((Hugs))))
We are all imperfect people (experts included) and most react to what's happening in the moment. It's a very human thing to be/do. Try as best you can to turn her over to HP and remember to be gentle with you and live one day/one moment at a time.
Unless another has walked a mile in our shoes, I do not believe they can comprehend the affect of this disease on us - the family/friends. They've studied it in books, and that does not prepare them to deal with us - and they certainly do not understand that our disease and the affects are equal/greater than the substance abuser. I've actually said to these folks before that while I appreciate their compassion, I am not in the best frame of mind to tell you my needs - I'm on emotional overload....
Honesty is best for me - I used to act as if I had all the answers and this program has told me it's OK to not.....Please keep coming back - you are loved and loving, you are valued and valuable - take care of you...just for today!
Thank you, all, for the warm welcome and words.
I did wake up today in a much better headspace....just firm in my knowledge of who I am and how I am...and even in knowing who I am to my A.
Truth indeed...and worth the daily reminder, that the opinions of those who don't know me and value me simply don't matter and in fact, can't begin to be accurate.
I'm working my way through, and stumbling. And struggling to keep my head and my heart separate but equal. Because of my FOO issues (foster kid, adopted later by control and expectation enforcers) I struggle when the structure fails, so just this limbo while he's in rehab and I can't contact him is hard to put aside.
Thankfully I've work (I chair a non-profit special needs org) to keep me busy/focused/fulfilled that is serving as a reminder of my blessings and talents. And that's what I need right now.
Welcome .. I'm glad you are here.
Something that struck me with your post and I find interesting is how good newly sober A's are at pointing the finger at everyone except themselves. I hear the truth according to your A his reality not yours.
He can't call because the home is to toxic .. hmm .. ok .. there is nothing toxic like an active A and the chaos the disease creates while creating a mini tornado for everyone else to clean up.
I hope that for your own sanity you throw yourself into your own recovery and let him do his .. as I found clarity for myself .. I was able to find peace and see the reality of the insanity I was allowing in my home. I guess maybe I'm a bit of a cynic .. meaning .. I truly appreciate the miracle of a newly sober addict .. until I see consistent changes down the road then I will believe who they show me to be .. in the mean time I can take care of myself .. allow them to do what they need to do while I do what is best for me. Maybe that's more realistic .. while lying is the norm for an active addict .. ehe .. my XAH was welcome to go spin his story elsewhere .. I wanted an honest relationship. That was a boundary for me and trying to make him be honest wasn't going to happen.
A clear line I drew was the needs of one do not out weigh the needs of the many. My needs whatever those are and how I choose to define them are just as important as the sober A's. That's why I learned to meet those on my own .. for me I wanted more out of a relationship .. I wanted to be able to be fully open and realistically expect in a healthy relationship I would receive that back.
You brought up something very interesting .. you were a foster child and the challenges that came from that experience .. I am adopted by parents who honestly loved me to the best of their ability .. oh boy it really sucked the life out of me. I have had to learn to be the parent I deserved by learning to love myself in that way. It has been a very healing experience .. and has brought me some peace .. I also found out that the life lessons I had were the life lessons I would have had even if my bio mom had kept me. UGH .. I hated the line well you were chosen .. my response as a 10 year old was .. well no one asked me who I wanted for parents. (I was a very opinionated/insightful 10 year old that kept me in a whole lot of hot water throughout my teen years, ducking shoes became an life survival skill.. lol)
If you have a sponsor though and I hope you do working the steps will help you heal and figure out what YOU want to do regardless if the A in your life is drinking or not. Honestly .. it doesn't matter if he's drinking or not .. the question is always what are you going to do.
Hugs and keep coming back :)
Hi Forward Motion, I am new also, just today and this is my first post. :) To introduce myself, I have been working as a substance abuse counselor group facilitator for a little over a year now. I have also been trying to get to alanon meetings for over a year but my work schedule doesn't allow for it, so I am giving this a try. But my reason for being here is because alcoholism is in my family. I didn't inherit it but have been effected by it, like most of us are. Also, I did something I ordinarliy would not do and have been in a relationship with someone who has alcoholism. We've been together on and off for five years now. It's definitely been a struggle. Right now he has been sober for about four months. I really would like to join one of the meetings when I can.
As to your situation, I'm sorry you're heartbroken, truly. I know how painful it can be. In my own situation having dealt with frequent separations and reconnecting it really can take a toll on your heart. I have had to find ways to detach from him and be ok with being alone and leaving him to deal with his problems while being supportive. The biggest lesson for me was just that, detaching and taking care of myself and finding support in friends, family, and others, as well as finding support and comfort in spirituality.
The greatest help for myself was giving up my problems and believing the universe will straighten them out in time. It is such a HUGE feeling of relief being able to let go, and feeling nurtured and supported in life knowing I don't have to take it all on myself.
This is similar to when they say in meetings, "Let go and let God." But that is my own interpretation of it.
Best wishes to you, see you around the forums :)
Thank you for the welcome, I will be back!
Four more days with no contact from him or the center. On one hand it makes me panicky because a decade spent living alongside someone grows connection throughout daily life and that sudden absence feels so heavy and lonely and full of loss. But on the other hand, I've settled into not letting myself react so strongly to it. That first day was so hard...the paranoia in my head just overruled all common sense. Days later though I find it only crops up in the very quiet moments.
One thing that has helped me tremendously is rearranging our furnishings and "rehabbing" our home a bit...finally just purchasing new bedding and room décor that we've needed. I said to a trusted friend that for all these years I've been so ashamed to have anyone come over, and now I finally realize that our apartment was one of the physical symptoms of his disease. We should have been on to owning our own home years ago now, but instead we've remained "stuck" with the financial burden of his addictions and the apartment reflects that.
So, to turn around while he's in rehab and invest in my home has been healing. I walk into the room and feel serenity. And hope, even. Hope that an improved environment will reflect for him the positive change he's trying to make. And hope that a different sort of life can be lived in rooms where different furnishings and décor have erased a bit of the past.
Thank you for sharing this...glad to know it's not a one-off with just me! And I must say, since I first wrote it, every time I walk past the "new" bedroom, I feel hopeful. And I feel as though because I chose the new items, my needs were met.