Why can't I "get" it ?? I'm back again, for yet another serving of ESH
texas yankee said
Apr 1, 2017
Things have been going well - everything in my life is very good - I have so much to be thankful for - of course, my heart still hurts all the time knowing the type of life my adult son is living, but aside from that one thing, all else is very good. Still, knowing the power of this disease, I've been going to at least a few meetings every week, I read and think about the daily readings, I've been praying, I've been talking with Al Anon friends, and doing some service work. And then, just when I think I'm finally getting all this Al Anon stuff put together and the puzzle pieces are falling into place, I get a call or text from my son about the latest issue \ problem that's causing him pain and suffering, and I'm right back in the center of Enablement City, worrying and offering to "help" him while the white tornado starts spinning in my head again, thinking that THIS time it'll be different. I'm so ashamed of my weaknesses with this stuff, especially with all I've learned about enabling, expectations, acceptance, powerlessness, and everything else we learn about in Al Anon - I just can't get it all working as it should when I need it to work - I weaken, and then it's all downhill until I crawl back up the hill and press forward.
Damm, putting this stuff into practice, CONSISTENTLY, is hard!
hotrod said
Apr 1, 2017
((Texas Yankee))) being a parent to a child with this disease is extremely painful. It sounds as if you are practicing a powerful enriching program so please be gentle with yourself and know you are not alone. You can pray for your son, have compassion and empathy for his situation and try one day at a time to accept that we are truly powerless over people places and things. Positive thoughts on they way
Jerry F said
Apr 1, 2017
TY I echo what Betty responds with keeping in mind the truth, that this disease is cunning powerful and baffling. That truth keeps me alert with acceptance that "I can be had" by alcoholism and have been often in the past and not so often lately as I get more opportunity to practice. My alcoholic/addict son is 1st. inside of the care of my Higher Power where I am also. I don't judge how my son is doing compared to myself...I just inventory my own recovery. Go easy on Texas Yankee he's growing up. (((Hugs)))
Iamhere said
Apr 1, 2017
(((TexasYankee))) - I hear you and understand exactly what you are saying. I believe there is a part of the disease in me that nudges me and says, "But that's your son....." - it's such a natural response in caring people to want to help and be a part of the solution....in my case, when I do engage again, all of a sudden, I'm working harder for their future than they are and - the cycle repeats itself.
My son is in crisis again and it's about to blow up. In working with my sponsor, what I am willing to do to be of service is - 1. Store his personal belongings, 2. Drive him to the detox center, 3. Pay a deposit and 2 weeks of rent in an Oxford home. That's it - I have nothing more to give beyond that which would not be enabling at this point.
I dread having the conversation and have not had to yet (he's been MIA for today). I have been stating the serenity prayer today over and over again and reminding myself that I hate the disease but I love my son...I've been productive today on other tasks and it's been a good day even though the disease has resurfaced in a big way. I so agree with what other's have shared - be gentle on you and breathe while trusting the program...sending prayers and positive thoughts your way!
el-cee said
Apr 2, 2017
It sounds like you have got lots and lots of good stuff your working a good programme. My son has the power as well for me to abandon what I know and let the fear take over. It's hard when it's your son. I had to look at my son as a separate adult human being before I could make decisions that were right for both of us. Jerry's experience is similar to mine. I was had over and over by the ever dramatic tales of woe until I learned to let go and accept that lies and manipulation is part of the disease. Imagine him wrapped in a blanket and hand him over. His falling into a bottom may save him if you can let him fall. I had to realise thatyou help was making him worse.
texas yankee said
Apr 2, 2017
Thanks, everyone for the encouragement - I needed to hear people that really know tell me that it's OK to find this stuff very tough and that we all fall down at times - I think I need to work more on admitting I'm powerless, truly accepting that I am powerless, and then doing a better job of detaching with love - if you guys knew me in the world outside of Al Anon, you'd see an emotionally strong, friendly, helpful, outgoing guy that has been very good, all my life, at turning "No" answers into a "Yes" when I've wanted it to be a "Yes" - but obviously, with my son, it's never gonna be what I had wished it would have been for him. As I do every Sunday morning, I'll be going to an open AA meeting today - I ALWAYS walk out with a lot of hope (LOL, not expectations), seeing the folks in the meeting with sobriety ranging from right now to 40+ years - and, like the folks in Al Anon, those guys are SMART - lots of life knowledge.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for helping me make it through this day.
Nix said
Apr 2, 2017
Cunning baffling and powerful....I have learned that this is a relapsing disease and I am not immune. Don't feel bad, you're not alone and we do all fall down, it's part of the process. You will get back up. I will too! Be good to yourself today. One day, hour, minute or moment at a time, whatever you need.
Iamhere said
Apr 2, 2017
texas yankee - hope your meeting this morning was awesome - sounds super great! I go to a standing meeting each Sunday (AA) and we have the same - new to 40+ years. It's a large lovely group - I cherish my regular meetings as that's where I 'fill my cup'...
It took me a long while to grieve the picture of 'success for my child' in my mind. When they began their spiral into the disease, I would burst out crying at every photo in my home from their youth. I could not even walk by as I felt so much guilt, shame, sadness that I could not lead them, direct them, fix them, redirect them, etc. It was the simple words of my sponsor giving me permission to lay them all down or to put them away for a while. I felt that was dismissing them - she gently suggested it was self-protection and for me, not about them.
I did it and just not seeing those every day really helped me do some acceptance and healing. Several years later, I got them back out and they are on display. I can still get sad at times and other times, I see them for what they are - a snapshot in time of their journey. I get it - I too am a strong person with a keen mind and yet when it comes to my children, I get tongue-tied, flustered and have mental lapses often.
It's a new day - just for today, I am working my program and trusting God to lead me to the next right thing. I truly believe it's going to be a nap in short order - got to play softball tonight!! Glad that you are part of my journey!
texas yankee said
Apr 2, 2017
After the Open AA meeting (it was GREAT), I had lunch with my sponsor - his daughter recently died of a heroin overdose - big surprise, he encouraged me to find the strength to detach with love if for no other reason than to protect myself - and I know that's exactly what I need to do - but in this one area of my life, I am weak.
So, I'm going to get on the exercise bike and have a good long ride, and a nice talk with my HP along the way - tell Him what He already knows - I NEED SOME HELP !! And then I'll politely ask Him for help and the strength to turn my son over to Him.
I'll spare ya all the gory details of the back and forth text messages with my son over the past couple of days, but it's apparent to me that my son is still of the opinion that he just needs a few good breaks in life, and that he just needs some help to get back on his feet - from what I can see, he's not ready to make any substantive changes in his life that'd put him on a better path - in other words, he has a way to go before he hits anything close to a bottom.
The adventure continues . . . . and thanks everyone - I love to talk, but in this situation, I don't have the words to tell you fine folks how grateful I am for your ESH - without friends like you guys, and the many friends I've made in FTF Al Anon meetings, I'd have checked out long ago.
Iamhere said
Apr 2, 2017
Glad that your meeting was great and you got to spend time with your sponsor.....it saddens me to hear that his daughter passed from this disease - sending positive thoughts and prayers to you both....
Hang in there texas yankee and keep up with that self-care - for me, that does help with the mental mind tricks the disease presents me with...
(((Hugs)))
MariannOl said
Apr 2, 2017
How can they be so believable? I am new to this program and my son has taken me on a journey since he was 17 - he's currently 26 and going through a divorce (due to his addiction). I never ever got my role in his disease, nor understood my disease, until now - and boy am I ready to give up - and recognizing my powerlessness for the very first time ever. Thank you for sharing so I can piggy back on what so many already understand. For me, I am in nursery school - but finally my eyes are open to listening and learning.
texas yankee said
Apr 2, 2017
MariannOl - there's a lot of good program wisdom here, but even more important sometimes, there's a lot of ESH here - and a healthy dose of compassion, too - sometimes at FTF meetings I feel like I'm the only one not getting it - and that makes me feel really bad - but the folks here help me see just how difficult this stuff is and how it's easy for us to do well and then have a setback - and that's OK.
Something else I'd pass along that worked for me - I had a really hard time believing that the stuff about detachment with love was really the right way to go, since everything in life tells us that we're here to help other people - I had to get to a point where I realized that I might never really believe it, so I had to JUST DO IT - it's been working for millions of folks for 85 or so years, so if I do what they did, it should work for me, too.
LOL, it's still damm hard to do it though - hardest thing I've ever had to do - something I wouldn't wanna put on anyone.
Jerry F said
Apr 3, 2017
TY gracious you have brought ESH here tonight to the board, your own and the MIP family's. This is a powerful sharing, considerable since I experienced as you have very nearly today including my home AA group. The similarities throughout the fellowship, I was told was what I was to focus on and I did rather then the differences I used to use when I first got here. The differences I considered kept my experiences different from others and so I didn't "get" much of what was being shared that was helpful yet my sponsor encouraged me to listen for the similarities of my experiences and those of others in my groups and I "got it"!!. Also practicing the courage to change the things I could urged me to ask for help one on one from those in the program who shared ESH I needed to know more about and none that I asked ever refused me. I am grateful for that compassion and understanding beyond measure and it is from this ESH that I share hope with you.
If your imagination is intact, imagine putting your son in the palms of your hands and lifting him up to your higher power. I would say at the same time "Here Father he is yours" and then imagine bringing my hands back down ....empty. Love is a characteristic...you already have it...(The complete and total acceptance of every other human being for exactly who they are) keep it, your loving character. (((((hugs)))))
nursedebbi said
Apr 3, 2017
hitexas
reading your share took me back to the days my son was still alive. he died last july. i still have as much or more pain than i had when he was alive. i didnt really know what "powerlessness" was...step one....until he died. i dont now regret anything i did for him while he was alive.....altho at the times.....and there were many.....i struggled with it like you. if i could have understood it then like i do now....id have struggled less and loved him more. the struggling with what is or isnt right to do blocked me from just loving him and expressing that to him more than i did.....showing kindness for him as the sick person he was in many ways. underneath my struggles ..... im still processing it all.....was my "feelings" ......what makes it hard is i never saw him as an adult.....he never matured to that point in his 31 years....how i saw it at times when he was in need of clothes, food, ect......was "charity".....the detatch and let him fall on his face didnt work no matter how many times i went down that road....he had mental illness too.....i felt his pains at times like they were my own....his suffering......being an alchie or druggie is a painful existence.....
i dont know if this is a good suggestion or not but here i go......
sit back and as hard as it is to do......put yourself in the place of him being gone.....reflect on the times of struggle you have had......it might give you some clarity.
texas yankee said
Apr 3, 2017
nursedebbi - I am so sorry for the loss of your son - I can't even conceive of how that must feel - I can easily understand how easy it would be to crawl into a cave (virtual or real) and just wish the world away - you must be a strong person - thanks so much for sharing your ESH with me.
I never had a problem loving my son, and I let him know ALL THE TIME that no matter what's going on in his life, that I love him and always will, no matter what happens. I rarely get mad at him, but I get mad frequently at the disease that's controlling him - for me, it was always just pity that he's in the situation he's in, and a lot of sadness, all encompassing sadness, to see him suffering so much and me being powerless to "help" him. I know now that all of the "help" I've given him over the years did NOTHING to get him out of the rut he's in - that's frustrating to me, cause I'm almost ALWAYS able to make things in life go my way - but not with this situation.
But what's even more debilitating is the sense of guilt I carry for enabling him for so long - I stopped doing that, mostly, about three years ago. When I heard a guy in a meeting last week talk about how enabling "steals their self-esteem", I about lost it right there in the meeting - that's what I did !! I have stopped doing it (mostly), and I have apologized \ made amends to him for doing it, but the damage has been done and I can't apologize it away and make the effects disappear - that's all on me and I'm sure I'll have to answer for it - that scares the crap out of me.
Anyway, today's another day and I hope I'll be able to do my best today, and live the life that Al Anon has shown me - as far as my son goes, I don't know what's going on in his life - I get bits and pieces of stuff from him, some if it doesn't add up or make sense, but that's the way it is with these guys.
He told me that he hasn't been drinking or using for a month or so (who knows if that's true or not), and he asked me for a plane ticket yesterday so he could come live with his mother (we're divorced a long time and we have no communication) for a few months to "save some money and then return to Florida" - without any significant changes in his life to change the things in his life beyond alcohol and drug use, I'm thinking that'd just be a return to how it was, with a few bucks in his pocket, and probably a continuation of life as it was for him. SO, I declined to pay for the airline ticket - but that could change - I'm minute by minute here.
Thanks for the ESH, and thanks for listening.
-- Edited by texas yankee on Monday 3rd of April 2017 09:23:14 AM
Things have been going well - everything in my life is very good - I have so much to be thankful for - of course, my heart still hurts all the time knowing the type of life my adult son is living, but aside from that one thing, all else is very good. Still, knowing the power of this disease, I've been going to at least a few meetings every week, I read and think about the daily readings, I've been praying, I've been talking with Al Anon friends, and doing some service work. And then, just when I think I'm finally getting all this Al Anon stuff put together and the puzzle pieces are falling into place, I get a call or text from my son about the latest issue \ problem that's causing him pain and suffering, and I'm right back in the center of Enablement City, worrying and offering to "help" him while the white tornado starts spinning in my head again, thinking that THIS time it'll be different. I'm so ashamed of my weaknesses with this stuff, especially with all I've learned about enabling, expectations, acceptance, powerlessness, and everything else we learn about in Al Anon - I just can't get it all working as it should when I need it to work - I weaken, and then it's all downhill until I crawl back up the hill and press forward.
Damm, putting this stuff into practice, CONSISTENTLY, is hard!
((Texas Yankee))) being a parent to a child with this disease is extremely painful. It sounds as if you are practicing a powerful enriching program so please be gentle with yourself and know you are not alone. You can pray for your son, have compassion and empathy for his situation and try one day at a time to accept that we are truly powerless over people places and things.
Positive thoughts on they way
TY I echo what Betty responds with keeping in mind the truth, that this disease is cunning powerful and baffling. That truth keeps me alert with acceptance that "I can be had" by alcoholism and have been often in the past and not so often lately as I get more opportunity to practice. My alcoholic/addict son is 1st. inside of the care of my Higher Power where I am also. I don't judge how my son is doing compared to myself...I just inventory my own recovery. Go easy on Texas Yankee he's growing up. (((Hugs)))
My son is in crisis again and it's about to blow up. In working with my sponsor, what I am willing to do to be of service is - 1. Store his personal belongings, 2. Drive him to the detox center, 3. Pay a deposit and 2 weeks of rent in an Oxford home. That's it - I have nothing more to give beyond that which would not be enabling at this point.
I dread having the conversation and have not had to yet (he's been MIA for today). I have been stating the serenity prayer today over and over again and reminding myself that I hate the disease but I love my son...I've been productive today on other tasks and it's been a good day even though the disease has resurfaced in a big way. I so agree with what other's have shared - be gentle on you and breathe while trusting the program...sending prayers and positive thoughts your way!
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for helping me make it through this day.
It took me a long while to grieve the picture of 'success for my child' in my mind. When they began their spiral into the disease, I would burst out crying at every photo in my home from their youth. I could not even walk by as I felt so much guilt, shame, sadness that I could not lead them, direct them, fix them, redirect them, etc. It was the simple words of my sponsor giving me permission to lay them all down or to put them away for a while. I felt that was dismissing them - she gently suggested it was self-protection and for me, not about them.
I did it and just not seeing those every day really helped me do some acceptance and healing. Several years later, I got them back out and they are on display. I can still get sad at times and other times, I see them for what they are - a snapshot in time of their journey. I get it - I too am a strong person with a keen mind and yet when it comes to my children, I get tongue-tied, flustered and have mental lapses often.
It's a new day - just for today, I am working my program and trusting God to lead me to the next right thing. I truly believe it's going to be a nap in short order - got to play softball tonight!! Glad that you are part of my journey!
So, I'm going to get on the exercise bike and have a good long ride, and a nice talk with my HP along the way - tell Him what He already knows - I NEED SOME HELP !! And then I'll politely ask Him for help and the strength to turn my son over to Him.
I'll spare ya all the gory details of the back and forth text messages with my son over the past couple of days, but it's apparent to me that my son is still of the opinion that he just needs a few good breaks in life, and that he just needs some help to get back on his feet - from what I can see, he's not ready to make any substantive changes in his life that'd put him on a better path - in other words, he has a way to go before he hits anything close to a bottom.
The adventure continues . . . . and thanks everyone - I love to talk, but in this situation, I don't have the words to tell you fine folks how grateful I am for your ESH - without friends like you guys, and the many friends I've made in FTF Al Anon meetings, I'd have checked out long ago.
Hang in there texas yankee and keep up with that self-care - for me, that does help with the mental mind tricks the disease presents me with...
(((Hugs)))
Something else I'd pass along that worked for me - I had a really hard time believing that the stuff about detachment with love was really the right way to go, since everything in life tells us that we're here to help other people - I had to get to a point where I realized that I might never really believe it, so I had to JUST DO IT - it's been working for millions of folks for 85 or so years, so if I do what they did, it should work for me, too.
LOL, it's still damm hard to do it though - hardest thing I've ever had to do - something I wouldn't wanna put on anyone.
TY gracious you have brought ESH here tonight to the board, your own and the MIP family's. This is a powerful sharing, considerable since I experienced as you have very nearly today including my home AA group. The similarities throughout the fellowship, I was told was what I was to focus on and I did rather then the differences I used to use when I first got here. The differences I considered kept my experiences different from others and so I didn't "get" much of what was being shared that was helpful yet my sponsor encouraged me to listen for the similarities of my experiences and those of others in my groups and I "got it"!!. Also practicing the courage to change the things I could urged me to ask for help one on one from those in the program who shared ESH I needed to know more about and none that I asked ever refused me. I am grateful for that compassion and understanding beyond measure and it is from this ESH that I share hope with you.
If your imagination is intact, imagine putting your son in the palms of your hands and lifting him up to your higher power. I would say at the same time "Here Father he is yours" and then imagine bringing my hands back down ....empty. Love is a characteristic...you already have it...(The complete and total acceptance of every other human being for exactly who they are) keep it, your loving character. (((((hugs)))))
hi texas
reading your share took me back to the days my son was still alive. he died last july. i still have as much or more pain than i had when he was alive. i didnt really know what "powerlessness" was...step one....until he died. i dont now regret anything i did for him while he was alive.....altho at the times.....and there were many.....i struggled with it like you. if i could have understood it then like i do now....id have struggled less and loved him more. the struggling with what is or isnt right to do blocked me from just loving him and expressing that to him more than i did.....showing kindness for him as the sick person he was in many ways. underneath my struggles ..... im still processing it all.....was my "feelings" ......what makes it hard is i never saw him as an adult.....he never matured to that point in his 31 years....how i saw it at times when he was in need of clothes, food, ect......was "charity".....the detatch and let him fall on his face didnt work no matter how many times i went down that road....he had mental illness too.....i felt his pains at times like they were my own....his suffering......being an alchie or druggie is a painful existence.....
i dont know if this is a good suggestion or not but here i go......
sit back and as hard as it is to do......put yourself in the place of him being gone.....reflect on the times of struggle you have had......it might give you some clarity.
nursedebbi - I am so sorry for the loss of your son - I can't even conceive of how that must feel - I can easily understand how easy it would be to crawl into a cave (virtual or real) and just wish the world away - you must be a strong person - thanks so much for sharing your ESH with me.
I never had a problem loving my son, and I let him know ALL THE TIME that no matter what's going on in his life, that I love him and always will, no matter what happens. I rarely get mad at him, but I get mad frequently at the disease that's controlling him - for me, it was always just pity that he's in the situation he's in, and a lot of sadness, all encompassing sadness, to see him suffering so much and me being powerless to "help" him. I know now that all of the "help" I've given him over the years did NOTHING to get him out of the rut he's in - that's frustrating to me, cause I'm almost ALWAYS able to make things in life go my way - but not with this situation.
But what's even more debilitating is the sense of guilt I carry for enabling him for so long - I stopped doing that, mostly, about three years ago. When I heard a guy in a meeting last week talk about how enabling "steals their self-esteem", I about lost it right there in the meeting - that's what I did !! I have stopped doing it (mostly), and I have apologized \ made amends to him for doing it, but the damage has been done and I can't apologize it away and make the effects disappear - that's all on me and I'm sure I'll have to answer for it - that scares the crap out of me.
Anyway, today's another day and I hope I'll be able to do my best today, and live the life that Al Anon has shown me - as far as my son goes, I don't know what's going on in his life - I get bits and pieces of stuff from him, some if it doesn't add up or make sense, but that's the way it is with these guys.
He told me that he hasn't been drinking or using for a month or so (who knows if that's true or not), and he asked me for a plane ticket yesterday so he could come live with his mother (we're divorced a long time and we have no communication) for a few months to "save some money and then return to Florida" - without any significant changes in his life to change the things in his life beyond alcohol and drug use, I'm thinking that'd just be a return to how it was, with a few bucks in his pocket, and probably a continuation of life as it was for him. SO, I declined to pay for the airline ticket - but that could change - I'm minute by minute here.
Thanks for the ESH, and thanks for listening.
-- Edited by texas yankee on Monday 3rd of April 2017 09:23:14 AM