I am trying so hard not to JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) every day over every decision I make. My AH's rational thought process is diminishing....and he appears so threatened by so much. I feel the need to explain and defend a lot lately.
I retired last June and due to health issues, a family death, etc., I have just been going through/ getting through daily stuff without having time or energy for much more. Now that things have calmed down, and I am struck at how short life is, I have been setting into motion some hobbies and exploration of things that always interested me but didn't have time for while I worked.
I have attended a couple of day programs, have renewed my passion for needle art with classes.....and although I am still home a lot, I am not just sitting there watching hubby watch TV. At first he was kind of supportive, but I can see the resentment building and the sarcastic, derogatory comments are starting to flow. It is obvious to me he is jealous I have interests and is threatened by them. Although I am sitting in the same room, my focus may be on my needle and thread, and not on him 100%. (I can't imagine why I wouldn't want to watch the re-runs of re-runs of Matlock).
I have calmly stated that everyone has a picture or idea of what their retirement will look like, and I am trying to fulfill that for myself. However, my tongue is in threads from not JADING constantly over the course of the day. I can't help that his retirement is dictated by his disease: watching TV, drinking, napping, and cursing the state of the world while he contributes nothing to it....again, due to his disease.
I have suggested activities as a couple, but other than going out to dinner, if he has to go for more than a couple of hours without a drink, he's not interested. So, I plan for myself.....but even a nice phone call with a friend is met with criticism and accusations. If I make plans to get out of the house ( to escape him) then I am not spending enough time with him. No matter what, everything seems like a battle....or the potential for one. I have been stating, " this is something I want to do" or " this is important to me " and it calms the beast temporarily, but it sure is tiring. As I see his life get smaller, and I want to expand mine, it is getting tougher.
Thanks for reading and have a great weekend. April 1st! WooHoo!!
El
el-cee said
Apr 1, 2017
Can I suggest trying something different? Each time you explain justify etc even in a nice civil way your setting yourself up to do it over and over again so why not stop. Set the boundary for yourself. When he starts any of his crap then simply state you no longer wish to discuss your choices enjoy yourself and I'll talk to you later and leave the room. Every single time. Try to be genuine no judgement of his choices or sarcasm or animosity. He will learn by your action never your words. He can't hear you from his negative self pity planet. You are speaking different languages. Why are you continuing to waste time and energy trying to be heard? Your right life's too short and in my experience if your consistent a week or two should do it. You might find when you have stopped taking part he is left with some space for reality to creep in. Think of these conversationsites as feeding the beast your enabling each time. Good luck x
hotrod said
Apr 1, 2017
((El)) I am glad that you have embraced your retirement and know how important living each day is. Good Work. My sister encountered the same atitudes when her hubby retired so you are not alone. Please believe me he will either eventually join you or move to acceptance of how you have chosen to live your life.
I would continue to invite him( the day before) to events like the museum etc. but if he declines go alone. Keep taking care of yourself I am sending positive thoughts on the way
SerenityRUS said
Apr 1, 2017
Woo hoo on retirement :) I also find QTIP .. Quit Taking Things Personally .. My XAH was similar and not retired with comments about what I was or wasn't doing. I can see now the comments were about him not me. There are things I wish I had been smarter about. It is what it is .. Learning his disease is about him not me and letting him do whatever is a huge thing.
Iamhere said
Apr 1, 2017
(((El))) - good on you for doing what makes you happy/fulfilled in retirement. I had a bit of that here and when mine would ask what I had planned for the day, I've simply said things like, "Whatever God decides..." He of course in his disease turns when I speak of God so he stopped asking.
I did retire first and I believe he was resentful as he was older....however, we are very different in our financial views/goals/etc. and his retirement was based on his spending/choices. As was mine. He did eventually stop asking and then when he retired, struggled to know what day it was, what to do, etc. I kept reminding him that he was retired and his day was open to do whatever he wanted/needed to do.
We've adjusted/adapted - it just takes time! Keep taking care of you and use the tools and it will normalize....most things do appear to do so when I can be consistent (that's one of my issues - being consistent...)
I am trying so hard not to JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) every day over every decision I make. My AH's rational thought process is diminishing....and he appears so threatened by so much. I feel the need to explain and defend a lot lately.
I retired last June and due to health issues, a family death, etc., I have just been going through/ getting through daily stuff without having time or energy for much more. Now that things have calmed down, and I am struck at how short life is, I have been setting into motion some hobbies and exploration of things that always interested me but didn't have time for while I worked.
I have attended a couple of day programs, have renewed my passion for needle art with classes.....and although I am still home a lot, I am not just sitting there watching hubby watch TV. At first he was kind of supportive, but I can see the resentment building and the sarcastic, derogatory comments are starting to flow. It is obvious to me he is jealous I have interests and is threatened by them. Although I am sitting in the same room, my focus may be on my needle and thread, and not on him 100%. (I can't imagine why I wouldn't want to watch the re-runs of re-runs of Matlock).
I have calmly stated that everyone has a picture or idea of what their retirement will look like, and I am trying to fulfill that for myself. However, my tongue is in threads from not JADING constantly over the course of the day. I can't help that his retirement is dictated by his disease: watching TV, drinking, napping, and cursing the state of the world while he contributes nothing to it....again, due to his disease.
I have suggested activities as a couple, but other than going out to dinner, if he has to go for more than a couple of hours without a drink, he's not interested. So, I plan for myself.....but even a nice phone call with a friend is met with criticism and accusations. If I make plans to get out of the house ( to escape him) then I am not spending enough time with him. No matter what, everything seems like a battle....or the potential for one. I have been stating, " this is something I want to do" or " this is important to me " and it calms the beast temporarily, but it sure is tiring. As I see his life get smaller, and I want to expand mine, it is getting tougher.
Thanks for reading and have a great weekend. April 1st! WooHoo!!
El
((El)) I am glad that you have embraced your retirement and know how important living each day is. Good Work. My sister encountered the same atitudes when her hubby retired so you are not alone. Please believe me he will either eventually join you or move to acceptance of how you have chosen to live your life.
I would continue to invite him( the day before) to events like the museum etc. but if he declines go alone.
Keep taking care of yourself I am sending positive thoughts on the way
I did retire first and I believe he was resentful as he was older....however, we are very different in our financial views/goals/etc. and his retirement was based on his spending/choices. As was mine. He did eventually stop asking and then when he retired, struggled to know what day it was, what to do, etc. I kept reminding him that he was retired and his day was open to do whatever he wanted/needed to do.
We've adjusted/adapted - it just takes time! Keep taking care of you and use the tools and it will normalize....most things do appear to do so when I can be consistent (that's one of my issues - being consistent...)
(((Hugs))) - enjoy, enjoy and enjoy some more!