Im struggling to stay present and focused on myself today. My A is still very much active and to my knowledge has stopped attending meetings as he told last week he didn't "need them". I didn't comment, just turned and walked in the house. I guess I'm learning to separate the man and the disease, but I'm still struggling with the actual relationship stuff. He is a liar, lies to cover lies, but always has a sliver of truth that (in his mind) qualifies the lie. He has cheated on me in the past, cheating on me still. Before Al-Anon I cycled between the sleuth detective and being (or trying to be) blissfully unaware. But now we're in a situation where he's been cheating on me with one woman for a few years now. I know her name, know who she is, know she has kids. He has brought our boys around her (can't as easily anymore now that theyre older and can they tell me). And when I confront him he blames the child of lying!!! So since I've set a boundary for myself that he can't be at the house drunk anymore (what a difference it makes!) I try not to focus on him, where he is, what he's doing, if he's drinking, etc. but sometimes, like today I find my mind spinning. Is he a cheater just bc he is, or is he a cheater as a symptom of the disease? Does it make a difference. If he wants to be with someone else, then why does he stay??
It's been two months since I found my line with him- that night started with him coming home so imtoxicated, I saw his phone, saw a text (not snooping, just set his phone in front of me not realizing what was on his screen) and lost it. The hurt boiling out of me. Then says a few days later when I mentioned it "just bc someone texts me about being in her bed doesn't make me a cheater, I can't help what she texts" it's so disrespectful of the relationship and if the roles were reversed he would go ballistic on me. But that's the thing, I've never wanted to cheat or thought of it, but he accuses me, daily, when drinking. I now know to simply say "I'm not engaging in this comversation with you" and I stop responding bc those words from him is the disease talking.
My day went down hill earlier today and when I stopped and paused, I realized HALT I was Hungry, Angry, Lonely, and Tired. How is it connected? So I came home, I worked out, I ate, I relaxed and enjoyed time with my kids. Its still lingering, but better.
Jerry F said
Mar 31, 2017
((((Pumpkin)))) you're working it for yourself ...good for you. Not working it looking that he would change when you did. Remember you're living with an alcoholic with a nasty mind and mood altering chemical as an addiction. He lies and manipulates in a cunning and powerful way just as the disease teaches and you are falling for it less and less. I learned how in the very same way and it rescued my mind and soul. Learn and practice your own program because it makes you sane and serene and continue the boundaries you have built up. My wife also was promiscuous and then again that is how she and I started our relationship...I had to take care of my part in it When we parted I loved her and she me and I had to justification to be married with her...I just didn't need her. Keep coming back. ((((Hugs))))
pumkin26 said
Apr 1, 2017
(((JerryF))) thank you! I'm definitely starting to see things clearer. Regardless of where he is at with his recovery (or lack of) I've found that creating this boundary with him has lead us to a place of no yelling and fighting and crying. Mostly bc in those moments when he shows up drunk I refuse to engage. I think what gets me spinning is when I don't focus on today but I focus on the past, either the recent disease filled past or the past where I think of the man I fell in love with- but now looking at it, even then I think it was addict /codependent relationship (what I'm learning in my recovery is that I have lived a long life as someone that is codependent by nature, it's crazy to see...any ways) or I start focusing on what the future might/should/could look like. Last night after I posted I had anxiety and felt myself listening for his car... even tho I knew he wouldn't be home. Truly it's insanity. It's hard when the disease is so intertwined in the relationship. Hard to separate it out I guess. So I'll keep working my recovery and am hopeful someday I'll find some clarity and peace.
hotrod said
Apr 1, 2017
(((Pumpkin)) Acceptance of life on life's terms is a difficult concept to embrace, however once I did finally accept, the fact that my hubby was an alcoholic who lied and cheated on me it was much easier for me to to make the decision to take care of myself and leave. i was able to do this by attending meetings, sharing and finally moving through awareness , acceptance to action (The C2C talks of this today) Leaving improved my self esteem and self worth and I had no regrets . Please keep coming back Yu are worth it
milkwood said
Apr 1, 2017
((((((Pumpkin)))))))
Well done on using HALT - I'm often amazed by how well that works. We need to take good care of ourselves.
It occurred to me the other day that so many of us learn to cope rather too well with stuff - I know for me that it kind of became part of my identity. Oh yes, I'll cope with that, and that, oh wow, this is a biggie - yes, that went ok under the circumstances. Pat on the back for me! And then I wondered why I was so tired!!!
After a while of keeping the focus on me as best I could I started to take alcohol out of the equation as far as my relationship was concerned and I found that helped me to work out what I could and could not put up.
Iamhere said
Apr 1, 2017
(((Pumkin))) - hope today is new and brings about peace, serenity and joy. I got some things going on, and my brain wants to project away from my here/now....I just keep trying to come back to center as that's where I know I should stay AND that's where I can look and see that all is really OK right now.
Keep leaning into the program - it does work for us when we work it!
pumkin26 said
Apr 3, 2017
Thank you all for you support... It is true the weekends are the hardest. Every weekend I feel like I am on alert, that I'm living one minute at a time. It is interesting for me today to read what I wrote a few days ago. I remember feeling like that, but today I don't. Yesterday was a good day.
Today I spun out of control, how it happens so fast! Major anxiety (I was being blamed for a situation HE himself caused on HIMSELF, long story doesn't need to be told bc it's the same ol same ol story) anyways, normally that situation would have my anxiety high for the rest of the day, waiting for more of his wrath to come down on me. Today tho, I picked up the phone and called someone from my meeting I met last week. I said I was calling my lifeline and she said, good job! Haha anyways we talked for a bit, and I felt better. When my phone buzzed later in the day I felt my anxiety tick up and then I saw his apology, I take it with the grain of salt but thankful it wasn't the wrath.
(((hugs)))
shrnp said
Apr 3, 2017
pumpkin,
I am sorry you are going through this. My ex-bf cheated on me, and I had really bad anxiety at first. Eventually, I just could not get passed it, and I did not go back to him the last time. What helped me was that I realized it was not anything I had done, it was something to do with him. He was never satisfied with anything in his life. He just kept searching for the perfect high, whether that was from drinking, doing drugs, or having sex with different women. The anxiety goes away, don't let it get to you. Spend time with your kids, and enjoy them. That is great that you had someone to reach out to.
el-cee said
Apr 4, 2017
You are doing so well you are working this and it gets better and better. Your claiming your power back. Taking the power over you your thoughts and feelings back. I think the miracle us happening for you right now. Keep working it keep using the tools ration and logic are creeping into your life. Good for you.
Im struggling to stay present and focused on myself today. My A is still very much active and to my knowledge has stopped attending meetings as he told last week he didn't "need them". I didn't comment, just turned and walked in the house. I guess I'm learning to separate the man and the disease, but I'm still struggling with the actual relationship stuff. He is a liar, lies to cover lies, but always has a sliver of truth that (in his mind) qualifies the lie. He has cheated on me in the past, cheating on me still. Before Al-Anon I cycled between the sleuth detective and being (or trying to be) blissfully unaware. But now we're in a situation where he's been cheating on me with one woman for a few years now. I know her name, know who she is, know she has kids. He has brought our boys around her (can't as easily anymore now that theyre older and can they tell me). And when I confront him he blames the child of lying!!! So since I've set a boundary for myself that he can't be at the house drunk anymore (what a difference it makes!) I try not to focus on him, where he is, what he's doing, if he's drinking, etc. but sometimes, like today I find my mind spinning. Is he a cheater just bc he is, or is he a cheater as a symptom of the disease? Does it make a difference. If he wants to be with someone else, then why does he stay??
It's been two months since I found my line with him- that night started with him coming home so imtoxicated, I saw his phone, saw a text (not snooping, just set his phone in front of me not realizing what was on his screen) and lost it. The hurt boiling out of me. Then says a few days later when I mentioned it "just bc someone texts me about being in her bed doesn't make me a cheater, I can't help what she texts" it's so disrespectful of the relationship and if the roles were reversed he would go ballistic on me. But that's the thing, I've never wanted to cheat or thought of it, but he accuses me, daily, when drinking. I now know to simply say "I'm not engaging in this comversation with you" and I stop responding bc those words from him is the disease talking.
My day went down hill earlier today and when I stopped and paused, I realized HALT I was Hungry, Angry, Lonely, and Tired. How is it connected? So I came home, I worked out, I ate, I relaxed and enjoyed time with my kids. Its still lingering, but better.
((((Pumpkin)))) you're working it for yourself ...good for you. Not working it looking that he would change when you did. Remember you're living with an alcoholic with a nasty mind and mood altering chemical as an addiction. He lies and manipulates in a cunning and powerful way just as the disease teaches and you are falling for it less and less. I learned how in the very same way and it rescued my mind and soul. Learn and practice your own program because it makes you sane and serene and continue the boundaries you have built up. My wife also was promiscuous and then again that is how she and I started our relationship...I had to take care of my part in it When we parted I loved her and she me and I had to justification to be married with her...I just didn't need her. Keep coming back. ((((Hugs))))
Well done on using HALT - I'm often amazed by how well that works. We need to take good care of ourselves.
It occurred to me the other day that so many of us learn to cope rather too well with stuff - I know for me that it kind of became part of my identity. Oh yes, I'll cope with that, and that, oh wow, this is a biggie - yes, that went ok under the circumstances. Pat on the back for me! And then I wondered why I was so tired!!!
After a while of keeping the focus on me as best I could I started to take alcohol out of the equation as far as my relationship was concerned and I found that helped me to work out what I could and could not put up.
Keep leaning into the program - it does work for us when we work it!
Today I spun out of control, how it happens so fast! Major anxiety (I was being blamed for a situation HE himself caused on HIMSELF, long story doesn't need to be told bc it's the same ol same ol story) anyways, normally that situation would have my anxiety high for the rest of the day, waiting for more of his wrath to come down on me. Today tho, I picked up the phone and called someone from my meeting I met last week. I said I was calling my lifeline and she said, good job! Haha anyways we talked for a bit, and I felt better. When my phone buzzed later in the day I felt my anxiety tick up and then I saw his apology, I take it with the grain of salt but thankful it wasn't the wrath.
(((hugs)))
I am sorry you are going through this. My ex-bf cheated on me, and I had really bad anxiety at first. Eventually, I just could not get passed it, and I did not go back to him the last time. What helped me was that I realized it was not anything I had done, it was something to do with him. He was never satisfied with anything in his life. He just kept searching for the perfect high, whether that was from drinking, doing drugs, or having sex with different women. The anxiety goes away, don't let it get to you. Spend time with your kids, and enjoy them. That is great that you had someone to reach out to.