I am venting here because venting at home won't lead to any good outcomes.
My child and I are living far away from our hometown for a couple of years. This means that child does not regularly see my ex-AH. My ex-AH is an ex-H, but not an ex-A. He is very much a current A, though he's a binge drinker, so he goes along with big non-drinking periods before the next big one comes around. He has also always had some neurological oddities. But I hadn't realized how odd they have become until he came to stay with us. He is only here for a week, and he has only actually been here less than 24 hours, but I am already feeling the stress big-time. This was the only way for him to see our kid, who has been missing him greatly. And since he's a deadbeat and broke, staying with us was the only way he could afford to be here. I know you all will be saying 'What were you thinking?? What did you expect?!' Yeah, I knew it would be stressful. I was prepared to suck it up for the sake of our kid. I hope kid will thank me some day, like maybe winning the lottery and passing it all along to me in gratitude.
First of all, the Ex is no longer house trained. Twice already in the last 24 hours I've had to swab the bathroom and pick up all the wet pieces of toilet paper all over the floor, and I won't mention the rest because it would give you nightmares as it has me.
And I went downstairs and in the middle of the night he got up and opened all the cupboards and left the door open. Why? Because he is not a sane person. He left the ancient bottle of wine untouched, so who knows what he thought he was doing.
Turns out he is also now disabled and can hardly walk (except to get down to the kitchen and open the doors), so he can't really leave the house. And he talks out loud to himself. This is when he is sober. (I can tell.) Lord help us all if he gets drunk. At that point I'd show him the door, broke or not broke.
I am really calling on all my stores of patience right now. Trying to remind myself that I'm doing this for our kid, not for the Ex.
This is another reason to be thankful for my program. Because otherwise I'd be having unrealistic expectations, and I'd be blowing my top. As it is, I'm just complaining to the universe.
hotrod said
Mar 31, 2017
(((Matie)) You are a gret Mom Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way. I have a young sponsee whose dad is a street person .She loves him dearly and is so happy when they connect.
SerenityRUS said
Mar 31, 2017
Hugs Mattie,
You are a rock is all I can say .. I can't imagine doing that for my XAH. I admire your resolve to allow him to stay with you and understand fully what you are dealing with. My daughter graduates this year and I can honestly say there is NO WAY I'm that much of a grown up and I will totally own it. My daughter has come to her own resolve and we have had the discussion. I am so sorry though for the additional chaos you are experiencing so I hope that you get some peace and this is a temporary situation at worst.
Hugs S :)
2HP said
Mar 31, 2017
You are a loving mom and wonderful Al-anon role model. I so admire you bringing your frustration HERE so that you can keep this beautiful gift intact for your son. I was always told by my sponsor that the emotional poison inside must come up or we ourselves become sick... the anger may come out sideways (or directly) at people (who know not what they do,) ...people who will be harmed by my anger.... which is not my HPs will. So keep sharing with those who understand ((hugs))
I choked a bit on my coffee when I read about the bathroom. Obviously, I have not overcome my bathroom expectations... perhaps nothing annoys me more than a misfire, cripes.
I had a guest come visit in February. I was grateful for the visit but it exhausted my mind, body and spirit with all the changes to my routine and all the extra work. Knowing that I'm vulnerable when I'm hungry, angry, lonely or tired... I had to remember to take care of me too.
It helped to recall in our literature, a reading about gradually pulling back the lens... and pulling it way way back... until Im viewing my home, and then my yard, then my city, my state, my country, the earth... from a far-off galaxy. And just meditating on that peaceful detachment helps bring peace into my home, ever reminding me that THIS TOO SHALL PASS. This meditation was useful for firming up my true motive, which was to experience ONLY peace while he was here, and to leave only good memories for us both.
The other thing your post reminds me of is, whenever I have the true desire to do something GOOD... it seems to invite a little devil that comes in the form of negative, critical, judgmental thinking.... poking and prodding me to focus on the negative.... which destroys all the GOOD I set out to express. It has happened so many times that I now EXPECT it to show up and this gives me power. I am in a much better position to tell it to f**k off.
May your gift of love come back to you, multipled.
-- Edited by 2HP on Friday 31st of March 2017 11:50:36 AM
el-cee said
Mar 31, 2017
It's so sad . I feel for you mattie. Horrible disease that takes so much. He sounds like such a poor poor soul. It makes me wonder why he hasn't reached a bottom. Am I naive in thinking when they lose everything then there's a chance? I pray he gets some clarity through his time at yours that leads him to surrender. Your doing a good thing.x
Iamhere said
Mar 31, 2017
(((Mattie))) - I love the gift you are willing to give to your son. I love that your doing all you can with the tools/program to accept what is. I would hope I could do as you are doing in similar circumstances - not sure....I do know that having polite, respectful guests is tiring and can also be disruptive to my life/schedule/routine - so...can not wrap my head/heart around the guest you have.
I pass no judgment - I believe it is in being selfless that we truly discover in ourselves our deeper/deepest strength. When this is over, give yourself a pat on the back and thank God you did not erupt or worse! Trying people, and I've had a few in my home/life, test my serenity and my program....each time I wonder what I was thinking and/or I wonder if I can survive this, I find extreme gratitude and peace when it passes - as this too shall pass.
Sending you all positive thoughts and prayers - I hope that your son is enjoying the visit. One moment and one day at a time, you will get through this!
Mattie said
Mar 31, 2017
El-cee, you asked "Am I naive in thinking when they lose everything then there's a chance?" I've actually read that there's a greater chance of hitting their personal bottom when they still have something left to lose. So doctors who are faced with losing their license unless they quit drinking actually stop in greater numbers than doctors who have already lost their license and are out on the streets. Anyway that's what I read in some study or other.
I honestly don't think my ex cares what he loses - he would be just as happy under a bridge as in a nice house. And I think that his brain has been done in so much by the drinking that he can't really tell one from the other. There may have been a time when he would have noticed and cared if he'd gotten the bathroom is a terrible state. That time is long gone. And remember that this is him sober. His brain is just not working right any more. It's too late for him. Good thing he has an ex-wife who'll put up with it for as long as a week. But you can tell that her attitude isn't all that great! As my wise friend once said, "At least he has never given you cause to regret leaving!"
a4l said
Mar 31, 2017
Sad Mattie. Horrible bloody disease. Sending you lots of loving thoughts, for what its worth.
milkwood said
Mar 31, 2017
Sending loving (((((hugs)))) to you and your generous soul Mattie. Even when we truly know the three C's it is still difficult and frustrating to be face to face with the consequences of alcoholism. As I read your post I was thinking one day at a time, just one day at a time!
I am venting here because venting at home won't lead to any good outcomes.
My child and I are living far away from our hometown for a couple of years. This means that child does not regularly see my ex-AH. My ex-AH is an ex-H, but not an ex-A. He is very much a current A, though he's a binge drinker, so he goes along with big non-drinking periods before the next big one comes around. He has also always had some neurological oddities. But I hadn't realized how odd they have become until he came to stay with us. He is only here for a week, and he has only actually been here less than 24 hours, but I am already feeling the stress big-time. This was the only way for him to see our kid, who has been missing him greatly. And since he's a deadbeat and broke, staying with us was the only way he could afford to be here. I know you all will be saying 'What were you thinking?? What did you expect?!' Yeah, I knew it would be stressful. I was prepared to suck it up for the sake of our kid. I hope kid will thank me some day, like maybe winning the lottery and passing it all along to me in gratitude.
First of all, the Ex is no longer house trained. Twice already in the last 24 hours I've had to swab the bathroom and pick up all the wet pieces of toilet paper all over the floor, and I won't mention the rest because it would give you nightmares as it has me.
And I went downstairs and in the middle of the night he got up and opened all the cupboards and left the door open. Why? Because he is not a sane person. He left the ancient bottle of wine untouched, so who knows what he thought he was doing.
Turns out he is also now disabled and can hardly walk (except to get down to the kitchen and open the doors), so he can't really leave the house. And he talks out loud to himself. This is when he is sober. (I can tell.) Lord help us all if he gets drunk. At that point I'd show him the door, broke or not broke.
I am really calling on all my stores of patience right now. Trying to remind myself that I'm doing this for our kid, not for the Ex.
This is another reason to be thankful for my program. Because otherwise I'd be having unrealistic expectations, and I'd be blowing my top. As it is, I'm just complaining to the universe.
You are a rock is all I can say .. I can't imagine doing that for my XAH. I admire your resolve to allow him to stay with you and understand fully what you are dealing with. My daughter graduates this year and I can honestly say there is NO WAY I'm that much of a grown up and I will totally own it. My daughter has come to her own resolve and we have had the discussion. I am so sorry though for the additional chaos you are experiencing so I hope that you get some peace and this is a temporary situation at worst.
Hugs S :)
You are a loving mom and wonderful Al-anon role model. I so admire you bringing your frustration HERE so that you can keep this beautiful gift intact for your son. I was always told by my sponsor that the emotional poison inside must come up or we ourselves become sick... the anger may come out sideways (or directly) at people (who know not what they do,) ...people who will be harmed by my anger.... which is not my HPs will. So keep sharing with those who understand ((hugs))
I choked a bit on my coffee when I read about the bathroom. Obviously, I have not overcome my bathroom expectations... perhaps nothing annoys me more than a misfire, cripes.
I had a guest come visit in February. I was grateful for the visit but it exhausted my mind, body and spirit with all the changes to my routine and all the extra work. Knowing that I'm vulnerable when I'm hungry, angry, lonely or tired... I had to remember to take care of me too.
It helped to recall in our literature, a reading about gradually pulling back the lens... and pulling it way way back... until Im viewing my home, and then my yard, then my city, my state, my country, the earth... from a far-off galaxy. And just meditating on that peaceful detachment helps bring peace into my home, ever reminding me that THIS TOO SHALL PASS. This meditation was useful for firming up my true motive, which was to experience ONLY peace while he was here, and to leave only good memories for us both.
The other thing your post reminds me of is, whenever I have the true desire to do something GOOD... it seems to invite a little devil that comes in the form of negative, critical, judgmental thinking.... poking and prodding me to focus on the negative.... which destroys all the GOOD I set out to express. It has happened so many times that I now EXPECT it to show up and this gives me power. I am in a much better position to tell it to f**k off.
May your gift of love come back to you, multipled.
-- Edited by 2HP on Friday 31st of March 2017 11:50:36 AM
I pass no judgment - I believe it is in being selfless that we truly discover in ourselves our deeper/deepest strength. When this is over, give yourself a pat on the back and thank God you did not erupt or worse! Trying people, and I've had a few in my home/life, test my serenity and my program....each time I wonder what I was thinking and/or I wonder if I can survive this, I find extreme gratitude and peace when it passes - as this too shall pass.
Sending you all positive thoughts and prayers - I hope that your son is enjoying the visit. One moment and one day at a time, you will get through this!
El-cee, you asked "Am I naive in thinking when they lose everything then there's a chance?" I've actually read that there's a greater chance of hitting their personal bottom when they still have something left to lose. So doctors who are faced with losing their license unless they quit drinking actually stop in greater numbers than doctors who have already lost their license and are out on the streets. Anyway that's what I read in some study or other.
I honestly don't think my ex cares what he loses - he would be just as happy under a bridge as in a nice house. And I think that his brain has been done in so much by the drinking that he can't really tell one from the other. There may have been a time when he would have noticed and cared if he'd gotten the bathroom is a terrible state. That time is long gone. And remember that this is him sober. His brain is just not working right any more. It's too late for him. Good thing he has an ex-wife who'll put up with it for as long as a week. But you can tell that her attitude isn't all that great!
As my wise friend once said, "At least he has never given you cause to regret leaving!"