My AH has made progress. 4 months ago he couldn't even admit he was an alcoholic. He did 8 days in inpatient rehab in December after admitting he had a bad problem, and 6 weeks of IOP. However the longest he has been sober by my count is 3 weeks. He's been relapsing every couple weeks for 3 months. Sometimes bad, sometimes not so bad. He has a sponsor he really likes and he goes to 3 AA meetings a week. When I back up and get perspective, I realize he has made a lot of progress. My problem is I feel like I'm going to blow my top every time he lapses. I find myself saying things I immediately regret and getting way too involved in his recovery or lack of. I feel judgmental and bitchy and terrible. But I'm also angry and hurt. We have an 18 month old and he is responsible for him 3 days a week. We both flex with our jobs and can't really afford daycare. I worry about him and our child, I get super angry and resentful about the money he is still spending on alcohol and the lies he tells to cover it up. I still see the man I love so much inside, and when he's sober he is great. The only person he's ever intentionally hurt is himself. He struggles with depression, anxiety, and self loathing. I feel bad for him and am enraged with him simultaneously. I realize I am not coping well. I think I've made progress but it's such a hard balance to strike. I'm trying not to enable but I think I do exhibit so many codependent behaviors. I know I'm supposed to be concentrating on myself but how do I d that with a toddler to worry about? It's been hard.

Are you attending meetings and reading lit it helps a great deal!! Keep coming back it makes a difference ..

Thanks for your feedback. I have gone to a support group several times at the rehab center that I really like. Not lately due to scheduling issues. I have gone to a few al-anon meetings. Not 6 yet. I have to admit I don't totally get it yet. I'm trying. The literature would probably help. What books do you recommend? Yes Jerry I am not quite sure if he's fully committed to recovery or going through some of the motions. Perhaps he hasnt hit his rock bottom yet.... seemed like he did to me. It's really hard to watch and not interject my feelings and opinions though I know I'm probably doing more harm than good for both of us.

There are a ton of great books .. One that is not considered Alanon lit is getting them sober by Toby rice dew .. Don't let the title fool you .. It's a lot of information that deals with Alanon issues of loving an addict. I haven't had coffee lol I can not remember if it's volume 1 or 2 that they are little books. I do mean packed with information. Melody beattie writes about codependency and those are really great as well. There are multiple Alanon lit books .. I encourage the how Alanon works it's 5$ plus shipping. The amount of healing in that book is huge .. There is a lot to choose from .. Big hugs .. Alanon speakers on pod casts are awesome too.

Hi Rhod, My personal favorite is Courage to Change. The Title alone really speaks to me and is a good constant reminder for me. If you have a smartphone or tablet, I like the Al Anon Workshops and Today's Hope apps. They are both free. In my community, I am able to find Al Anon books at the second hand shop or the used bookstore quite often. Some face-to-face groups also have lending libraries with different books you can check out.

My wife joked about being an alcoholic when I met her. I didn't realize she was serious. She had periods of drinking and not drinking, rehab and no rehab, meetings and no meetings. Not even totaling her car and being transported to the hospital to detox motivated her to stop. I still would say she is dry, and not sober. Primarily because she only goes to meetings upon prompting from AA friends, does not have a sponsor and refuses to work the steps. I don't find her "I can recover alone" mentality to be very realistic or healthy. And yet, there are major changes in her behavior. When she is no longer legally required to be sober, she says she plans to continue to not drink. I do not know if I believe her or not, but whether she drinks or not is her decision, and that is not something I can do anything about.

One boundary that I had to put in place was that I would no longer share a bank account with her. I was angry and resentful about how she spent her money, and her tendency to overdraft and pile up NSF fees. I felt like I was constantly staring from behind each pay day. At first, I thought I was angry because she was spending money on alcohol, but then I realized that we have very different priorities about spending money. I am a "pay the bills first" person, and she is a "have a bit of fun first" person. It didn't end up mattering to me what she was spending her money on, the problem was that we didn't have enough left to pay the rent, or we didn't have gas money, or we didn't have enough in the bank for me to go visit family or meet friends for lunch or coffee. I felt like I was sacrificing all the time, and she was throwing money around as though dollar bills were flowers in early spring. This boundary made her VERY angry and we argued about it for well over two years, but I am no longer worrying when she overdrafts her account, I always have enough money to pay the bills, and I can go visit family when I want to. That boundary might not work for you or be possible for you, but early in my AlAnon program, that is the boundary helped me to let go of my resentment and made me feel more secure.

I hope that you keep working on your program. It does work. One thing I am still learning is to be patient with myself and not expecting perfection from myself. Showing up and trying day after day really helps. (((hugs)))

Welcome Rhod to MIP - glad you found us and glad that you joined right in and shared. The disease is cunning, baffling and powerful and can be treated through abstinence and some type of recovery but never truly cured. I am glad to here you found some support in the meetings offered and that you've been to a few Al-Anon meetings. While I understand scheduling is a challenge, it is in the meetings I found local support and tons of help and hope - not for the diseased but for myself.

I too was angry, irritated, frustrated, anxious, sad and several other 'negative emotions' depending upon the day and the event. The continuous use of the meetings, the literature and working this program for me helped me understand that I am powerless over them and truly can find joy/peace/serenity if I can keep my focus on me. It's not an easy way to life but it's very possible and life-changing when we are able to just focus on our own recovery.

He is going to do what he is going to do - the program helps us determine what we can/should do that best serves our needs and wants. It's hard when there are children involved but most folks I know who work this program as best they can have found their way to a happy place in spite of the disease and the diseased.

Please keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery....