I find it really difficult to detach from my AH and then reattach and then detach and try and remain open hearted. I just find myself feeling indifferent about our marriage and kind of dead inside. I mentioned before, my AH is still very active with his addiction. He doesn't come home from work at least a few nights a week (always at the last minute and he doesn't tell me until later in the night, when I have obviously figured it out) and he stays up alone drinking a few nights at home too, I end up looking after our two year old alone a lot. I wake up early with her, and I put her to bed alone most nights too, and he sleeps a large chunk of the weekend away.
I have found a lot of serenity from detaching from his drinking and overall I'm pretty happy with life aside from my marriage. When he doesn't come home I don't get angry and text him and waste all my energy, I just move on and do things I enjoy and I have come to love the time to myself. The problem is when he comes home the next night for example and he wants a night of our "normal marriage" I'm just not feeling it. I know deep down I'm angry at him, but I can't just flip my feelings on an off. I try and remember to be compassionate, and that he has a problem, but compassion isn't the same as romantic love. He complains I'm not affectionate, or loving towards him, but I just don't have it in me anymore, I feel worn down. I used to be SO in love with him. Any suggestions? I think it's fair to feel the way I do. I have a hard time finding the line between compassion and not being a doormat. I know he doesn't stand me up because of a character flaw, but I have a hard time moving on when it happens over and over again.
hotrod said
Mar 30, 2017
Hi Vikki I can so identify. I gave myself permission to stay as detached as I needed in order to maintain my serenity and marriage. I explained to hubby how I felt(not able to bounce back after not connecting with him as often as before). We worked on it by going away on weekends and getting a baby sitter. It really did not repalce the romance because alcohol was still a factor . Accepting life on life's terms , trusting HP and learning to say what I mean while taking care of myself, meant that being intimate would take time and effort and woulld not be a given in the relationship . Letting go of expectations on both sides helped.
Living with this dreadful disease is a challenge. Keep coming back
SerenityRUS said
Mar 30, 2017
Hugs Vicki,
I'm just curious what do you do to fill your own cup?
I find I deal better with people in my life when I am doing things to take care of my own needs first and then give what I can vs what I think I should.
There was no way when my XAH was drinking that I could have a sexual relationship with him in a "normal marriage" kind of way. Now we could have sex however it was very weird .. there was absolutely zero connection of intimacy. I stopped looking for my XAH to give me what he didn't have .. at that point I didn't know at the time he was completely checked out so really there was nothing going forward.
Someone else mentioned the book Dilemma of an Alcoholic Marriage and that is a really great read that has a lot of good information in it about dealing with an active spouse. LOL .. I will say read it with a grain of salt because of the era it was written in .. at the same time there is a lot of good insight regarding life with an active A.
Hugs S :)
VickiR said
Mar 30, 2017
Thanks for the response!
My dilemma isn't even as significant as a sexual relationship - that has definitely been on the backburner for god knows how long (yikes!) - he actually doesn't bother me about it, I don't think he's that interested, which is a relief to me these days. I just mean it's also hard to feel loving as husband and wife, reaching out, feeling in love, acting like everything is fine, acting like he isn't absent randomly whenever he feels like it.
It feels like the elasticity of my feelings is gone. I can't just snap back and forth. I will check out the book though! Thanks for the recommendation.
For taking care of myself, I'm not the best, but I try to work out, I have a lot of hobbies, I'm self employed and I love my profession, it gives me a lot of satisfaction as well as financial independence. I do feel tied down a bit, all the responsibility of life falling on my shoulders - I wish I could have more fun in my life like I used to before my daughter. She isn't the problem, it's not having a partner to count on so I can plan fun things. Babysitters are expensive (also I could hire one and he might just show up) and it's hard to recruit family without allowing them to know our problems.
Mattie said
Mar 30, 2017
I think letting family know your problems might be an option - it's hard to live a secret, and hard to live without help.
But also your heart is having a realistic response to the situation. Your husband has checked out of your marriage and put the devotion he should have for you into the bottle. It would be weird and not really a good sign if you kept being as devoted to and invested in him, when he is not really "there." It would be like being involved with a figment of your imagination.
Alcoholics really like us to pretend that nothing has changed, nothing is wrong. Then they can keep telling themselves that their drinking isn't any big deal. They try to enforce that pretense to everyone around them, especially their families. Living as if that's true can get our heads in a tangle. I think keeping some emotional distance from your husband might be your brain's way of sticking to the truth. Those are my thoughts.
2HP said
Mar 30, 2017
I remember too what it was like to be manipulated by him, being blamed for him doing what he did... the drinking, the absences, etc. etc.
Al-anon told me it would be a benefit for me to learn all I could about the disease of alcoholism. this helped me so much.
I learned it was normal for an alcoholic to lay blame on everyone but themselves. This serves to shield them from taking responsibility for their behavior and excuses them to drink. My husband blamed everyone around him. the world was so full of a**holes, according to him..... "why oh why are there so many a**holes in my life???" he would yell. to anyone who questioned his drinking he would say, "You'd drink too if you were on the receiving end of someone like you!"
Oy
So understanding alcoholism was very helpful. And then learning to stop playing my part, doing what I had always done - making him my higher power and BELIEVING the lies. I learned to stop looking to him for truth and to stop playing a martyr, sacrificing my life and happiness for his happiness. I did not know I didn't have the power to make him happy. I thought a "good wife" could and should.
I love your post because it reminds me of how difficult it was for me to understand detachment. Today, I don't simply detach without attaching simultaneously to God... opening my heart to God alone... to all that is Good... to harmony and peace and joy and whatever other definitions of God there are....!
I have betrayed myself many times because of my worry worry worry about what my husband and others may have thought of me. I denied my own feelings to become the Go-along to Get-along girl. my life before Al-anon was all about seeking love outside of myself....
and there was a price to pay for living such a dishonest life, ignoring my real feelings brought me to a very painful bottom.
Many of my F2F meetings use the topic of FEELINGS on a regular basis because we deny them for so long and the only way to begin recovery is to finally get honest with ourselves. There are numerous readings on FEELINGS in our literature.
thank you for sharing your journey here, nothing helps me more than when my fellows share how they take GOOD care of themselves ((hugs))
-- Edited by 2HP on Thursday 30th of March 2017 11:59:14 AM
VickiR said
Mar 30, 2017
Thank you for the response, sometimes I really want to let my family know. I know it is a lot to carry on my own, especially being alone so much as well. My brothers and sisters in law have some idea as I broke down one night quite a while ago, but I know they feel nervous asking. My parents don't know. My mum is a RA and we are close, I know she would be very supportive, but also concerned. I feel like I'm betraying my husband by telling everyone what's happening. I know this is the disease and the secrets are part of the problem, whenever I feel like I want to tell them, I worry that I will damage his relationship with my family. That once I say it it can't be unsaid.
SerenityRUS said
Mar 30, 2017
Vicki .. it's not about tattling on him ... it's just letting him show himself for who he is .. you do not have to share with everyone this includes family about what is going on .. if your mom is an RA it seems to be like yes she's going to be concerned .. she's a valuable source .. provided you all have a good relationship now .. of understanding what is happening and helping you take care of you. I mean that from the stand point of taking your young one .. and again .. if she's an RA .. I know that most RAs because of the principles of AA and Alanon are not going to blab to the rest of the family .. HOWEVER if that's the issue that's different and I understand your need to keep it to yourself.
Healthy parents want what is best for their kids and want to be there in support regardless of the situation .. even if it means showing up with duct tape and a shovel. :) I tease .. however you get my drift. That's why alanon is such a huge relief .. people here and in those meetings understand .. while we may have experienced or be experiencing different situations .. the feelings are very similar.
Sharing about something with a close family member or friend is way different than telling the local grocery clerk what is going on. Especially when you trust them implicitly. Going to my mother was not an option and a huge mistake on my part .. she had such a way with words in the situation I doubted myself .. I minimized certain things that were a big deal .. I could make a mountain out of a mole hill or turn a mole hill into a mountain, and I maximized others .. so I just encourage you to pray or meditate whatever works for you about do you have someone to talk to who is a confidant and isn't going to judge you. If not .. alanon would help a great deal. Keep coming back.
Hugs S :)
Iamhere said
Mar 31, 2017
I did share with family and it did not truly help - simply because they did pass judgement and offered advice that was not asked for. I also believe telling another's story even when it's woven into mind is gossip so ... had to get creative. I actually stopped talking to family but instead would just ask for what I want/need - without JADE - Justifying, Arguing, Defending or Explaining.
My sponsor helped me to use I statements, ask for help and not make mention of the disease, the diseased or them. It worked quite well - such as - I've been under a bunch of stress lately, can you possibly help me out by ________________________________?
It took me a while to wrap my head around asking for help without pleading, begging, blaming, shaming another. I felt shameful at times that I wanted to 'get away' - esp. as a mother. I never had anyone tell me they thought my request was out of line - each and every time without me explaining the depth of dysfunction in my life, most helped me as best they could - and were excited to do so.
Service is a huge part of recovery, but it's a huge part of the human existence. Find your courage to just ask for what you need - in the home and beyond. It gave me a whole new set of choices for self-care. (((Hugs)))
VickiR said
Apr 1, 2017
Thanks for all the advice everyone. I should mention my mum is a RA but she also went on to get a master's in psychotherapy and became an addictions counsellor (now retired), so I know she can handle it and is very well versed. She also went to and still goes to AA from time to time. I just feel like it gets awkward if I say things about how I don't want my daughter to have an alcoholic parent, which I obviously did, and i don't want those judgements to hurt her feelings. She already feels badly about it and has apologized.
I also am unsure if I will make a move to leave at some point - I'm definitely not there yet, but I don't want it to come out of left field, like "oh by the way, my husband has had a drinking problem for years and now I'm leaving"
This morning I went to the zoo with my brother and SIL and we brought our kids, we had planned for all of us to go for weeks. My AH dragged himself in the door at 6:30 am this morning, no idea where he was all night. Obviously he wasn't even awake when we got ready and I didn't make any attempt to get him up to come. My point is, pretty sure my brother and SIL know what's happening, and I really don't try to come up with elaborate excuses either because it's just lame and it makes me feel like a liar. I just said "he's not coming" and my SIL was like "Oh okay" in that "gotcha" kind of way.
I'm frustrated, we have had a bad week, three nights where he hasn't come home after work, and last night out all night, and he used our credit card to rack up some extra charges - which he isn't supposed to use. Another long story - but I have been slowly limiting his free-run access to our finances out of pure necessity, because enough is enough. He is still asleep now. Just feeling stuck. I find it really depressing to be in the house where someone sleeps all day and I feel badly for my daughter.
Iamhere said
Apr 1, 2017
Hang in there Vicki - I do understand how difficult it is to live with this disease and watch it in action. I also understand the 'left field' concern. There is really no right/wrong answer - rather a personal choice as to what works best for you and your situation. This is where it was so helpful for me to go to Al-Anon. I often only considered two choices - share or don't share. I learned many more choices from the experience of others.....it truly does help to know we are not alone nor are we expected to have all the answers for everything!
I find it really difficult to detach from my AH and then reattach and then detach and try and remain open hearted. I just find myself feeling indifferent about our marriage and kind of dead inside. I mentioned before, my AH is still very active with his addiction. He doesn't come home from work at least a few nights a week (always at the last minute and he doesn't tell me until later in the night, when I have obviously figured it out) and he stays up alone drinking a few nights at home too, I end up looking after our two year old alone a lot. I wake up early with her, and I put her to bed alone most nights too, and he sleeps a large chunk of the weekend away.
I have found a lot of serenity from detaching from his drinking and overall I'm pretty happy with life aside from my marriage. When he doesn't come home I don't get angry and text him and waste all my energy, I just move on and do things I enjoy and I have come to love the time to myself. The problem is when he comes home the next night for example and he wants a night of our "normal marriage" I'm just not feeling it. I know deep down I'm angry at him, but I can't just flip my feelings on an off. I try and remember to be compassionate, and that he has a problem, but compassion isn't the same as romantic love. He complains I'm not affectionate, or loving towards him, but I just don't have it in me anymore, I feel worn down. I used to be SO in love with him. Any suggestions? I think it's fair to feel the way I do. I have a hard time finding the line between compassion and not being a doormat. I know he doesn't stand me up because of a character flaw, but I have a hard time moving on when it happens over and over again.
Hi Vikki I can so identify. I gave myself permission to stay as detached as I needed in order to maintain my serenity and marriage. I explained to hubby how I felt(not able to bounce back after not connecting with him as often as before). We worked on it by going away on weekends and getting a baby sitter. It really did not repalce the romance because alcohol was still a factor . Accepting life on life's terms , trusting HP and learning to say what I mean while taking care of myself, meant that being intimate would take time and effort and woulld not be a given in the relationship . Letting go of expectations on both sides helped.
Living with this dreadful disease is a challenge. Keep coming back
I'm just curious what do you do to fill your own cup?
I find I deal better with people in my life when I am doing things to take care of my own needs first and then give what I can vs what I think I should.
There was no way when my XAH was drinking that I could have a sexual relationship with him in a "normal marriage" kind of way. Now we could have sex however it was very weird .. there was absolutely zero connection of intimacy. I stopped looking for my XAH to give me what he didn't have .. at that point I didn't know at the time he was completely checked out so really there was nothing going forward.
Someone else mentioned the book Dilemma of an Alcoholic Marriage and that is a really great read that has a lot of good information in it about dealing with an active spouse. LOL .. I will say read it with a grain of salt because of the era it was written in .. at the same time there is a lot of good insight regarding life with an active A.
Hugs S :)
Thanks for the response!
My dilemma isn't even as significant as a sexual relationship - that has definitely been on the backburner for god knows how long (yikes!) - he actually doesn't bother me about it, I don't think he's that interested, which is a relief to me these days. I just mean it's also hard to feel loving as husband and wife, reaching out, feeling in love, acting like everything is fine, acting like he isn't absent randomly whenever he feels like it.
It feels like the elasticity of my feelings is gone. I can't just snap back and forth. I will check out the book though! Thanks for the recommendation.
For taking care of myself, I'm not the best, but I try to work out, I have a lot of hobbies, I'm self employed and I love my profession, it gives me a lot of satisfaction as well as financial independence. I do feel tied down a bit, all the responsibility of life falling on my shoulders - I wish I could have more fun in my life like I used to before my daughter. She isn't the problem, it's not having a partner to count on so I can plan fun things. Babysitters are expensive (also I could hire one and he might just show up) and it's hard to recruit family without allowing them to know our problems.
I think letting family know your problems might be an option - it's hard to live a secret, and hard to live without help.
But also your heart is having a realistic response to the situation. Your husband has checked out of your marriage and put the devotion he should have for you into the bottle. It would be weird and not really a good sign if you kept being as devoted to and invested in him, when he is not really "there." It would be like being involved with a figment of your imagination.
Alcoholics really like us to pretend that nothing has changed, nothing is wrong. Then they can keep telling themselves that their drinking isn't any big deal. They try to enforce that pretense to everyone around them, especially their families. Living as if that's true can get our heads in a tangle. I think keeping some emotional distance from your husband might be your brain's way of sticking to the truth. Those are my thoughts.
I remember too what it was like to be manipulated by him, being blamed for him doing what he did... the drinking, the absences, etc. etc.
Al-anon told me it would be a benefit for me to learn all I could about the disease of alcoholism. this helped me so much.
I learned it was normal for an alcoholic to lay blame on everyone but themselves. This serves to shield them from taking responsibility for their behavior and excuses them to drink. My husband blamed everyone around him. the world was so full of a**holes, according to him..... "why oh why are there so many a**holes in my life???" he would yell. to anyone who questioned his drinking he would say, "You'd drink too if you were on the receiving end of someone like you!"
Oy
So understanding alcoholism was very helpful. And then learning to stop playing my part, doing what I had always done - making him my higher power and BELIEVING the lies. I learned to stop looking to him for truth and to stop playing a martyr, sacrificing my life and happiness for his happiness. I did not know I didn't have the power to make him happy. I thought a "good wife" could and should.
I love your post because it reminds me of how difficult it was for me to understand detachment. Today, I don't simply detach without attaching simultaneously to God... opening my heart to God alone... to all that is Good... to harmony and peace and joy and whatever other definitions of God there are....!
I have betrayed myself many times because of my worry worry worry about what my husband and others may have thought of me. I denied my own feelings to become the Go-along to Get-along girl. my life before Al-anon was all about seeking love outside of myself....
and there was a price to pay for living such a dishonest life, ignoring my real feelings brought me to a very painful bottom.
Many of my F2F meetings use the topic of FEELINGS on a regular basis because we deny them for so long and the only way to begin recovery is to finally get honest with ourselves. There are numerous readings on FEELINGS in our literature.
thank you for sharing your journey here, nothing helps me more than when my fellows share how they take GOOD care of themselves ((hugs))
-- Edited by 2HP on Thursday 30th of March 2017 11:59:14 AM
Thank you for the response, sometimes I really want to let my family know. I know it is a lot to carry on my own, especially being alone so much as well. My brothers and sisters in law have some idea as I broke down one night quite a while ago, but I know they feel nervous asking. My parents don't know. My mum is a RA and we are close, I know she would be very supportive, but also concerned. I feel like I'm betraying my husband by telling everyone what's happening. I know this is the disease and the secrets are part of the problem, whenever I feel like I want to tell them, I worry that I will damage his relationship with my family. That once I say it it can't be unsaid.
Healthy parents want what is best for their kids and want to be there in support regardless of the situation .. even if it means showing up with duct tape and a shovel. :) I tease .. however you get my drift. That's why alanon is such a huge relief .. people here and in those meetings understand .. while we may have experienced or be experiencing different situations .. the feelings are very similar.
Sharing about something with a close family member or friend is way different than telling the local grocery clerk what is going on. Especially when you trust them implicitly. Going to my mother was not an option and a huge mistake on my part .. she had such a way with words in the situation I doubted myself .. I minimized certain things that were a big deal .. I could make a mountain out of a mole hill or turn a mole hill into a mountain, and I maximized others .. so I just encourage you to pray or meditate whatever works for you about do you have someone to talk to who is a confidant and isn't going to judge you. If not .. alanon would help a great deal. Keep coming back.
Hugs S :)
My sponsor helped me to use I statements, ask for help and not make mention of the disease, the diseased or them. It worked quite well - such as - I've been under a bunch of stress lately, can you possibly help me out by ________________________________?
It took me a while to wrap my head around asking for help without pleading, begging, blaming, shaming another. I felt shameful at times that I wanted to 'get away' - esp. as a mother. I never had anyone tell me they thought my request was out of line - each and every time without me explaining the depth of dysfunction in my life, most helped me as best they could - and were excited to do so.
Service is a huge part of recovery, but it's a huge part of the human existence. Find your courage to just ask for what you need - in the home and beyond. It gave me a whole new set of choices for self-care. (((Hugs)))
Thanks for all the advice everyone. I should mention my mum is a RA but she also went on to get a master's in psychotherapy and became an addictions counsellor (now retired), so I know she can handle it and is very well versed. She also went to and still goes to AA from time to time. I just feel like it gets awkward if I say things about how I don't want my daughter to have an alcoholic parent, which I obviously did, and i don't want those judgements to hurt her feelings. She already feels badly about it and has apologized.
I also am unsure if I will make a move to leave at some point - I'm definitely not there yet, but I don't want it to come out of left field, like "oh by the way, my husband has had a drinking problem for years and now I'm leaving"
This morning I went to the zoo with my brother and SIL and we brought our kids, we had planned for all of us to go for weeks. My AH dragged himself in the door at 6:30 am this morning, no idea where he was all night. Obviously he wasn't even awake when we got ready and I didn't make any attempt to get him up to come. My point is, pretty sure my brother and SIL know what's happening, and I really don't try to come up with elaborate excuses either because it's just lame and it makes me feel like a liar. I just said "he's not coming" and my SIL was like "Oh okay" in that "gotcha" kind of way.
I'm frustrated, we have had a bad week, three nights where he hasn't come home after work, and last night out all night, and he used our credit card to rack up some extra charges - which he isn't supposed to use. Another long story - but I have been slowly limiting his free-run access to our finances out of pure necessity, because enough is enough. He is still asleep now. Just feeling stuck. I find it really depressing to be in the house where someone sleeps all day and I feel badly for my daughter.
(((Hugs)))