I am a mother of two adult addict sons, a sister to an addict and a daughter of two alcoholics. I struggle daily.
Today, I am really struggling with jealousy and resentment. I have been trying to see my sons as well as my sister - to spend a little time with them. It seems the only time they are able to make an effort to spend the time with me is if I can offer them something, otherwise the plans get broken. However, they are able to make and keep plans to spend time with my sister and each other. This hurts. I am trying to keep the focus on myself and learn to live for me. I'm making good strides toward this, but the last few days have been really hard.
shrnp said
Mar 29, 2017
Hello mheather,
Welcome to Miracles in Progress. Alcoholism and drug abuse are family disease. Jealousy is a very common feeling among Alanon members. The alcoholics in our lives seem to prefer to be with other people who share their addictions. They feel acceptance and spend time together using or drinking, and looking for drugs. I am a recovered drug addict. It is difficult to maintain normal relationships. It is great that you have become involved with Alanon. As an adult child of an alcoholic I have found that Alanon has taught me healthy ways to cope with life's problems, and to put the focus back on me. Keep coming back, glad you are with us.
Iamhere said
Mar 29, 2017
I send warm welcomes to you too Heather - glad you found us and glad that you joined right in....I also have 2 sons that qualify for the other side of this program and my AH is active....so - not only would my boys prefer to spend time with him - it's the guys against me - the gal.
I will share that the more I work my program, the fewer resentments I have over these types of choices. I have been dismissed as a mother, a parent, a friend, one with life experience, etc. and quite frankly - it does sting big time at times. Then, I lean into the program and remember they all have a disease - a disease that sucks the life out of them and me, changed them from kind, warm, loving boys into self-seeking, self-serving manipulation artists and a disease that is way more powerful then me, you, them and all of us combined.
I do not wish the disease on anyone and when I am centered, and see them through unconditional love, I know they are hurting. I try to understand and trust God in this process. You are not alone - keep working your program and trust the process/program....it does get better with time and there is so much we don't know but a power great than us does.
(((Hugs))) - I can so relate to where you are - sending positive thoughts and prayers your way!
2HP said
Mar 29, 2017
Welcome Heather! I'm so glad you reached out.
As an adult child, the feeling of being rejected or excluded can trigger tremendous anxiety and fear in me. Attending Al-anon adult children meetings and reading lots of books on the subject has helped a great deal.
My alcoholic husband and I divorced a few years ago and our children are adults now, living in different states. They tend to spend more holidays with their dad because their dad can afford to fly them all so they can be together. I can only afford to see them once a year.
I have spent years in recovery grieving this.
somewhere along the line, I remembered what it was REALLY like at holiday time. I recalled how I once dreaded the holidays because of all the excessive drinking. It occurred to me that I actually don't want to witness it. Birds of a feather flock together and truth be told, I do NOT want to be part of that flock.
For me, its more about grief. Grieving the loss of my dream..... of how my family was supposed to look but doesn't (just for today.)
I highly recommend the Al-anon book Opening Our Hearts, Transforming our Losses.
Remember, you never have to do this alone (((big hugs)))
-- Edited by 2HP on Wednesday 29th of March 2017 10:47:25 PM
el-cee said
Mar 30, 2017
This reminds me of going to the hardware store and running around looking for bread then when I can't find any getting upset. Your looking in the wrong places to .eat your needs. They can't for reasons deep within them. I found that once I let go of unrealistic expectations and went inside and up for the answersame this problem was gone.
Mandi2413 said
Apr 5, 2017
Hello
I am experiencing the same thing with my boyfriend. He is in intensive outpatient in another state and lately the only time he contacts me is if he needs me to do something for him...i understand your hurt especially since these are your children. Someone told me to date myself during this time and make sure once a day i am doing something for myself whether its as small as doing my nails or picking up my favorite meal and i have found that though it doesnt take away the pain it does help soothe me for a bit.
makebelieve11 said
Apr 5, 2017
Sorry to hear that you're struggling. Having that many As in your immediate family has to be tough. I imagine they are able to spend time with each other so easily because they're all active As and get together to feed each other's addictions. It's not that they're all great friends and they're trying to block you out for personal reasons. They're just addicts doing what addicts do. It's like if my kid was a crack addict and she spent all her time at the crack house instead of in my living room. It's because her life revolves around the drug - not because I'm a bad mother or because she just loves her drug dealer's personality. Maybe if you can "de-personalize" it a bit and just look at it as another manifestation of an all-consuming disease - not as a reflection on you - it will be easier to not be personally offended.
Best wishes.
-- Edited by makebelieve11 on Wednesday 5th of April 2017 01:40:27 PM
Hello -
I'm new to this board, but not new to Al-Anon.
I am a mother of two adult addict sons, a sister to an addict and a daughter of two alcoholics. I struggle daily.
Today, I am really struggling with jealousy and resentment. I have been trying to see my sons as well as my sister - to spend a little time with them. It seems the only time they are able to make an effort to spend the time with me is if I can offer them something, otherwise the plans get broken. However, they are able to make and keep plans to spend time with my sister and each other. This hurts. I am trying to keep the focus on myself and learn to live for me. I'm making good strides toward this, but the last few days have been really hard.
Welcome to Miracles in Progress. Alcoholism and drug abuse are family disease. Jealousy is a very common feeling among Alanon members. The alcoholics in our lives seem to prefer to be with other people who share their addictions. They feel acceptance and spend time together using or drinking, and looking for drugs. I am a recovered drug addict. It is difficult to maintain normal relationships. It is great that you have become involved with Alanon. As an adult child of an alcoholic I have found that Alanon has taught me healthy ways to cope with life's problems, and to put the focus back on me. Keep coming back, glad you are with us.
I will share that the more I work my program, the fewer resentments I have over these types of choices. I have been dismissed as a mother, a parent, a friend, one with life experience, etc. and quite frankly - it does sting big time at times. Then, I lean into the program and remember they all have a disease - a disease that sucks the life out of them and me, changed them from kind, warm, loving boys into self-seeking, self-serving manipulation artists and a disease that is way more powerful then me, you, them and all of us combined.
I do not wish the disease on anyone and when I am centered, and see them through unconditional love, I know they are hurting. I try to understand and trust God in this process. You are not alone - keep working your program and trust the process/program....it does get better with time and there is so much we don't know but a power great than us does.
(((Hugs))) - I can so relate to where you are - sending positive thoughts and prayers your way!
Welcome Heather! I'm so glad you reached out.
As an adult child, the feeling of being rejected or excluded can trigger tremendous anxiety and fear in me. Attending Al-anon adult children meetings and reading lots of books on the subject has helped a great deal.
My alcoholic husband and I divorced a few years ago and our children are adults now, living in different states. They tend to spend more holidays with their dad because their dad can afford to fly them all so they can be together. I can only afford to see them once a year.
I have spent years in recovery grieving this.
somewhere along the line, I remembered what it was REALLY like at holiday time. I recalled how I once dreaded the holidays because of all the excessive drinking. It occurred to me that I actually don't want to witness it. Birds of a feather flock together and truth be told, I do NOT want to be part of that flock.
For me, its more about grief. Grieving the loss of my dream..... of how my family was supposed to look but doesn't (just for today.)
I highly recommend the Al-anon book Opening Our Hearts, Transforming our Losses.
Remember, you never have to do this alone (((big hugs)))
-- Edited by 2HP on Wednesday 29th of March 2017 10:47:25 PM
Sorry to hear that you're struggling. Having that many As in your immediate family has to be tough. I imagine they are able to spend time with each other so easily because they're all active As and get together to feed each other's addictions. It's not that they're all great friends and they're trying to block you out for personal reasons. They're just addicts doing what addicts do. It's like if my kid was a crack addict and she spent all her time at the crack house instead of in my living room. It's because her life revolves around the drug - not because I'm a bad mother or because she just loves her drug dealer's personality. Maybe if you can "de-personalize" it a bit and just look at it as another manifestation of an all-consuming disease - not as a reflection on you - it will be easier to not be personally offended.
Best wishes.
-- Edited by makebelieve11 on Wednesday 5th of April 2017 01:40:27 PM