Well, I had a great week with my AGF who is fresh out of a 90 day in patient program. She is doing great, wish I could say the same for me.
It seemed like at least once a day, I would find myself clinging to feelings and actions that I had when she was in her worst moments in her disease. The good news is that I caught myself (progress) but it still took much longer than I would have liked to get back on the right track (not perfection). I found myself reading down my list of sayings trying to find one that would set my mind straight and return my lost serenity. Eventually something would click.
I hated that my failure to correct things, before they left the confines of my own head, threatened my recovery as well as her own. I do thank God that her progress in recovery has her in a much stronger state, so my backward slides did not send her to full relapse. In a relatively short amount of time we were calmly discussing our thoughts and feelings and back to enjoying our day together.
She recovered much faster than I, but her calming recovery certainly helped mine. I look forward to the day when the ghosts of feelings/actions past finds a new haunt and can live in the serene present!
shrnp said
Mar 26, 2017
Rick,
It sounds like things are going well, that is great. Recovery is a process for both you and your girlfriend. Some days it is an effort for me to leave the past in the past. It is just old thinking, or stinking thinking as they call it. You are lucky your girlfriend is willing to talk to you about it, and you can get past it.
Rickbrins said
Mar 26, 2017
I am lucky and the two of us working our individual recoveries yet still working together is a great feeling. It's only the first week, but I have hope, and faith in my hp to keep this process moving forward in a good way. I plan on taking this week to really work on me so that my weaknesses don't drag either one of us down a bad road.
2HP said
Mar 26, 2017
Good work, remembering we are powerless over the past, including how we reacted, etc. etc. Powerless meaning that not even God can change it. I personally dont believe my past was full of "mistakes" or "failures" when I didnt know any better. I prefer to think of them "valuable lessons" that allow me to stand in the light of this day. I develop the "wisdom to know" through experience.
Have you considered making a full list of your fears (a fear inventory?)
My first list was 3 pages long. I found the exercise to be extremely helpful in getting clarity. After making the list, my sponsor had asked me why I thought I had the fear......???
Wasnt it because I was relying on myself? Rather than reliance on God? I found that if I'm not letting God have anything, I'm probably not trusting Him. If I'm not letting go, I'm probably full of fear. Sometimes I had to pray, God help me to trust you more.
You seem afraid of causing your GF to relapse. Have you considered that you do not have that kind of power? Well perhaps you do if she's making you her higher power but hopefully that is not the case, it would be building a shaky foundation. Hopefully she has come to believe in a power GREATER than human power. The 3 C's apply to everyone. Seeking OUTSIDE of myself for true happiness failed for me.... and it had to fail because only God can fill that God-shaped hole.... in all of us.
I don't know about you but when I base my value as a human being on how people are treating me, I am miserable. When I realize that right inside of me, I already have everything I will ever want or need..... I taste freedom.
The Wizard of Oz said it best, "it was right here all along."
(((big hugs)))
-- Edited by 2HP on Sunday 26th of March 2017 02:07:47 PM
el-cee said
Mar 26, 2017
I suggest working the steps one at a time. Step 1 your powerless over her sobriety or any relapse if it happens. It sounds like your tiptoeing a little. I understand that because I did too but it came from the belief that his sobriety was dependant on me. I thought I had the power
hotrod said
Mar 26, 2017
Hi Rick, thanks for the update. Having lived with and coped with the disease of alcoholism many of us find it difficult to let go of the past and our old behaviors. That is the reason that meetings, the steps, slogans and the sponsor are recommended . They all help us to walk through this maze of feelings and former disappointments and arrive a t the present moment .
. Please know that you're not alone and that you are doing fine. Just keep showing up and keeping the focus on yourself and your recovery. As LC has pointed out we are powerless over people places and things and her recovery is her business and your recovery is yours. You cannot cause her to relapse .
I am happy things are going so well
Rickbrins said
Mar 26, 2017
Tiptoing is exactly what I am doing. Not because I want to, but because I am still not as strong as I'd like to be...
A list of fears is also a great idea as is truly giving into my higher power.
And yes, I am powerless over her success or failure...
All of this I know, and have admitted to, many times over, yet I still have yet to consistently find the energy or wisdom to beat the stinking thinking.
Thanks for all your great words. I still have a long way to go. I am desperately seeking a sponsor, but do not have a very large pool to choose from in my area. I am trying to get to more meetings and reach further for options.
Iamhere said
Mar 27, 2017
(((Rick))) - so glad to hear that you both are open and willing. That gives much more room for progress vs. our desired perfection at times. I always did tiptoe walking when 'they' came home from treatment....nobody asked me to - it was just a pattern from before and as El-Cee pointed out, I was still in denial about my powerlessness at times. I believed the words deeply - but entrenching them into my daily patterns of living took a bit of time.
Try not to compare where you are to where she is - that also set me backwards as it began this negative thinking cycle of why am I not there? What is wrong with me? These negative thinking patterns just cycle downward and waste my energy, time and serenity!!
You got this - use your program tools always and it will become more natural as time goes on. Congrats to you both...
Junenine said
Mar 27, 2017
sounds good and glad to hear, Rick! i am finding all of this to be a long learning process. i'm also trying to find a sponsor. never been through relapse/recovery with anyone before now. new territory. one day at a time and trying to fight my sporadic review of events that catapults me into the past.
-- Edited by Junenine on Monday 27th of March 2017 06:44:07 PM
It sounds like things are going well, that is great. Recovery is a process for both you and your girlfriend. Some days it is an effort for me to leave the past in the past. It is just old thinking, or stinking thinking as they call it. You are lucky your girlfriend is willing to talk to you about it, and you can get past it.
Good work, remembering we are powerless over the past, including how we reacted, etc. etc. Powerless meaning that not even God can change it. I personally dont believe my past was full of "mistakes" or "failures" when I didnt know any better. I prefer to think of them "valuable lessons" that allow me to stand in the light of this day. I develop the "wisdom to know" through experience.
Have you considered making a full list of your fears (a fear inventory?)
My first list was 3 pages long. I found the exercise to be extremely helpful in getting clarity. After making the list, my sponsor had asked me why I thought I had the fear......???
Wasnt it because I was relying on myself? Rather than reliance on God? I found that if I'm not letting God have anything, I'm probably not trusting Him. If I'm not letting go, I'm probably full of fear. Sometimes I had to pray, God help me to trust you more.
You seem afraid of causing your GF to relapse. Have you considered that you do not have that kind of power? Well perhaps you do if she's making you her higher power but hopefully that is not the case, it would be building a shaky foundation. Hopefully she has come to believe in a power GREATER than human power. The 3 C's apply to everyone. Seeking OUTSIDE of myself for true happiness failed for me.... and it had to fail because only God can fill that God-shaped hole.... in all of us.
I don't know about you but when I base my value as a human being on how people are treating me, I am miserable. When I realize that right inside of me, I already have everything I will ever want or need..... I taste freedom.
The Wizard of Oz said it best, "it was right here all along."
(((big hugs)))
-- Edited by 2HP on Sunday 26th of March 2017 02:07:47 PM
Hi Rick, thanks for the update. Having lived with and coped with the disease of alcoholism many of us find it difficult to let go of the past and our old behaviors. That is the reason that meetings, the steps, slogans and the sponsor are recommended . They all help us to walk through this maze of feelings and former disappointments and arrive a t the present moment .
. Please know that you're not alone and that you are doing fine. Just keep showing up and keeping the focus on yourself and your recovery. As LC has pointed out we are powerless over people places and things and her recovery is her business and your recovery is yours. You cannot cause her to relapse .
I am happy things are going so well
Try not to compare where you are to where she is - that also set me backwards as it began this negative thinking cycle of why am I not there? What is wrong with me? These negative thinking patterns just cycle downward and waste my energy, time and serenity!!
You got this - use your program tools always and it will become more natural as time goes on. Congrats to you both...
sounds good and glad to hear, Rick! i am finding all of this to be a long learning process. i'm also trying to find a sponsor. never been through relapse/recovery with anyone before now. new territory. one day at a time and trying to fight my sporadic review of events that catapults me into the past.
-- Edited by Junenine on Monday 27th of March 2017 06:44:07 PM