.....I have yet to figure out what I means though. I have learnt I no patience for "friends" who are alcoholics. I have a friend who will call me when they are drunk to have a visit. Once I realize that they have been drinking I end the conversation. Frustrated. Annoyed that they call only when drinking. Do i have sign on me somewhere! But then here I am living with a very active A! I know I have a lot to work through. And I can say for sure that I am very glad to have found this group.

Remember it is progress not perfection that we seek so please do keep coming back.

Hi Curlyblu-It's some kind of emotional thing, that attracts us to addicted people. I have only chosen addicted people to be in love with, and several platonic friendships as well. As I have almost 4 years in Alanon now, and yes I am with my current A 25 years, I am fairly certain I will not choose anymore addicts. I'm trying to cope with my spouse, and learn how to take care of myself in a better way. Alanon is showing me a healthier way to take care of me, and it is definately working. I found the slogans kind of silly at first, but now they make sense to me. I try to take One day at a time, detach with love, etc. Notice I said "try." Program takes a lot of serious focus but I plan to continue as I am reaping the benefits. Lyne

This whole journey is an emotional one. I'm trying so hard to learn if what I do is enabling, detaching...etc. Take tonight. Again come home from work....my A is in the process of making supper. He's drunk....he goes and sits on the couch. I can tell he's trying hard to "pretend". While the burgers on the bbq are burning. I simple said in a new calm voice go to bed I'll cook the burgers. Now maybe that was enabling, I don't know. What I did was for me and the kids. It got him out of the area. We could carry on the evening in peace. I can get them fed, and bathed. I can enjoy the rest of my night to myself. I will sleep on the couch because for my own peace I can't be near him tonight. I'm slowing learning what I need.

Hugs Curly,

I think you did some self care .. when I give my question to myself is am I giving to the detriment of myself in some way and that can be am I giving with the expectation of getting something in return.

As far as the friend/s issue .. I have a lovely friend I thought I was going to loose to secret drinking .. I was horrified when I heard she was literally dying and in possible need of a liver transplant .. she has made a recovery that is for the books. She's not attending AA however she has been going to counseling AND you can't hide blood work from a Dr .. her liver is in remission and she's off the transplant list .. she's also someone that the thought of dying over drinking was enough for her to say enough. She is very much in my life and I support her fully.

A former friend who was lying about drinking and recovery .. I had to let her go. I still speak with her from time to time when I see her during a visit. However as far as including her in my life .. she has her own albatross to deal with and it's not something I can handle. It's the issue of the lying and continuing to do the same thing. I pray for her daily and hope she finds her way clean and sober.

A recovery friend who slips about every 2 years however she's very honest and gets back to where she needs to be .. it's the honesty that is the reason we are still friends. I can respect that and she's honest about her time of recovery. She doesn't say I've been sober for 8 years when she's been sober for 6 months.

There are people I talk to I am aware that there are drinking issues attached you know what that's their business .. I do not socialize with them on a "friend" level. I am courteous and kind .. that's it. I don't listen when the drunk comes out.

For me I am very particular about who is in my inner circle. I think that is important to know the difference between my friends and acquaintances. I still am working on not over sharing .. LOL .. I want my inner circle to be cheering me on and working towards goals .. I have a lot of single friends who encourage me without being aware to be a better person.

Finding balance is huge.

Hugs S :)

I'm with others - I believe you practiced detaching with love and self-care. For me, it became easier with practice and time and with letting go of my preconceived ideas of what 'love' and 'marriage' is all about. I was one who came into adulthood believing in fairy-tales and then I too had a broken picker. I tend to attract those with the most issues - addiction, low self-esteem, drama queens, etc. When I began to find my sanity, I became more selective in my 'friends' base and it's like breathing fresh air.

It's taken time and tons of tools/practice. What works for you may not be what works for me - and that's how recovery works and why we avoid advice. We each have to determine what we need and then figure out how to work towards that with dignity, grace and compassion....keep working it - you're doing great!!

((Everyone)) I'm understanding the progress not perfection a little better. Although I had moments today where I was pretty angry...I found a journal. Wrote down everything I was feeling at that time. The rest of my day...I plugged along. I realize now that I didn't dwell on "him" as I normally do. Finally feeling I've got this....today at least lol.

All we can do sometimes is take things one day at a time. Or one hour at a time, I have had days like that.

So....I went to my first meeting last night.

It was a complete flop! I went into the building but could not go any further. I didn't know if I was in the right place. So I left, sat in my car and went back in only to leave again. I did that one more time before I finally drove away.

I cired that whole time I drove away. I thought I had everything in check. I couldn't believe I just froze that bad. I thought I was choking I couldn't breath. It was like I was not in control of my own body.

Feeling the let down, was really hard for me. Yet again I backed out of something due to fear and anixety.

Trying to get back control over my life is so much harder than I thought.